Thanks to the online world, we can connect with people from across the world. We can find our kinky soulmate, and they live so far away you wonder if you’ll ever meet them in real life. Purely online hookups to deep, meaningful long distance relationships are made from these circumstances every day.
My relationship began after a few blog comments turned to emails.
Thankfully, we lived in the same state, but distance is distance. If you can’t get to the other person without spending a lot of time or money, it’s a long-distance relationship.
Add a need for Dominance and submission (D/s) or kink, and a difficult relationship is that much harder.
Things to consider in long-distance BDSM
When you care about the person enough, sacrifices of time, sleep, and money are easy to make. The same is true in kink relationships. Don’t let anyone tell you long-distance BDSM isn’t possible.
You just have to know a few tricks, workarounds, and absolute truths.
A willingness to communicate
Any long-distance BDSM arrangement is going to require a willingness to communicate. But long-distance BDSM requires even more communication than you may realise. You’re not just learning each other’s likes, dislikes, and habits.
You’re discovering the most intimate details of each other to make your kink work. Phone calls, text messages, emails, instant messenger, snail mail, and hell, maybe even smoke signals might be required. Get used to talking all the time.
Trust and honesty is crucial in long-distance BDSM
You earn trust by being honest and having integrity. That’s just a rule of life. In kink, and especially when navigating long- distance BDSM it’s even more important. The wrong information, a white lie, or even a big fat whopper of a lie could lead to someone getting physically hurt.
Additionally, when you can’t see each other to watch facial expressions and body language, you only have words to build a trusting relationship. Trust is crucial to being willing to get your kink on with another person.
Doing what you say you’ll do
Long-distance BDSM, especially D/s, only works because one person believes the other person is doing what they said they would. If your Dominant tells you to get naked and touch yourself, do it. In my relationship, as a submissive, there were times I got in trouble for a missed task or bad attitude.
My Dominant told me to kneel in the corner for a certain amount of time as punishment. Yes, I could have said I did it and watched TV instead, but that’s not how kink should work. I took photos documenting the punishment – the corner, my knees after they were pressed against the carpet, whatever I could to show I’d done what I was told.
Ideas for kink in long distance BDSM relationships
Okay, so maybe you’ve already got the communication, trust, and integrity part down. You’re waiting for me to give you concrete ideas on how to make long-distance BDSM work, practically. Here are some kink ideas straight from my own relationship:
Masturbate for your partner over the phone. Let them deny or force the orgasms. You might be edged – stopping just before your orgasm. You might have to beg for permission. You may have to keep making yourself orgasm until it’s painful.
Masturbation in public places. Not completely public – the bathroom at work, a supply closet, sitting in your car. Either way, you may have your partner send pictures of their body or their wet, sticky hand.
Wearing an anal plug in public. Picture proof may be needed. Nipple clamps or rope harnesses are possible ideas, too. Anything that can be worn under clothing, so only you and your partner know.
Bedtime rituals. While my Dominant and I were still in long-distance BDSM, we spoke on the phone every night. Before hanging up, I asked permission to go to bed. Sometimes I was granted an orgasm or several – and sometimes not.
Spanking yourself, pinching nipples, clothespins on the skin. If you’re into pain (giving or receiving), it can be done long distance. Sure, the receiver of the pain has to do it for themselves, but pictures, phone calls, or Skype can make sure the giver gets to revel in it, too.
Lots and lots of sexting. My Dominant and I played out many a kinky sexual fantasy through text message while we were apart. Dick pics and pussy shots were also common messages we sent back and forth, too.
For those in power exchanges, you can get your kink on by creating/following non-sexual tasks like clothing choices, underwear options (to wear or not to wear, that is the question), what to eat, when to sleep.
If your kink is power and control, you can agree between the two of you where your partner will have/give up control over daily life. With trust and integrity, you don’t have to be together to make that work.
Long-distance relationships aren’t easy. Long-distance BDSM is even harder. But with a lot of trust and communication and some creative thinking, you can make it work until you’re able to be together again.
Choosing to have sex with a total stranger is not something everyone would do. It probably takes a certain type of person. Quite a bit of evidence suggests that, at least when it comes to eagerly having sex with strangers, it might also take being a man.
Let’s look at the evidence.
Over the last few decades almost all research studies have found that men are much more eager for casual sex than women are (Oliver & Hyde, 1993; Petersen & Hyde, 2010).
This is especially true when it comes to desires for short-term mating with many different sexual partners (Schmitt et al., 2003), and is even more true for wanting to have sex with complete and total strangers (Tappé et al., 2013).
In a classic social psychological experiment from the 1980s, Clark and Hatfield (1989) put the idea of sex differences in consenting to sex with strangers to a real-life test.
They had experimental confederates approach college students across various campuses and ask, “I’ve been noticing you around campus.
I find you to be very attractive. Would you go to bed with me tonight?”
Around 75 percent of men agreed to have sex with a complete stranger, whereas no women (0 percent) agreed. In terms of effect size, this is one of the largest sex differences ever discovered in psychological science (Hyde, 2005).
Twenty years later, Hald and Høgh-Olesen (2010) largely replicated these findings in Denmark, with 59 percent of single men and 0 percent of single women agreeing to a stranger’s proposition, “Would you go to bed with me?”
Interestingly, they also asked participants who were already in relationships, finding that 18 percent of men and 4 percent of women currently in a relationship responded positively to the request.
OK, but Why?
Several scholars have modified the experimental “ask for sex” method to see if they could tell why men, but not women, agreed to sex with strangers. Clark (1990) was among the first to address the issue of physical safety.
He had college-aged confederates call up a personal friend on the phone and say “I have a good friend, whom I have known since childhood, coming to Tallahassee.
Joan/John is a warm, sincere, trustworthy, and attractive person. Everybody likes Joan/John.
About four months ago, Joan/John’s five-year relationship with her/his high-school sweetheart dissolved. She/he was quite depressed for several months, but during the last month Joan/John has been going out and having fun again.
I promised Joan/John that she/he would have a good time here, because I have a friend who would readily like her/him. You two are just made for each other. Besides, she/he has a reputation as being a fantastic lover. Would you be willing to go to bed with her/him?”
Again, many more men (50 percent) than women (5 percent) were willing to have sex with this personally “vouched for” stranger.
When asked, not one of the 95 percent of women who declined sex reported that physical safety concerns were a reason.
Surbey and Conohan (2000) wondered whether worries of safety, pregnancy, stigma, or disease were holding women back from saying yes to sex with a stranger.
In a “safe sex” experimental condition, they asked people, “If the opportunity presented itself to have sexual intercourse with an anonymous member of the opposite sex who was as physically attractive as yourself but no more so (and who you overheard a friend describe as being a well-liked and trusted individual who would never hurt a fly), do you think that, if there was no chance of forming a more durable relationship, and no risk of pregnancy, discovery, or disease, that you would do so?”
On a scale of 1 (certainly not) to 4 (certainly would), very large sex differences still persisted with women (about 2.1) being much less likely to agree with a “safe sex” experience with a stranger compared to men (about 2.9).
So, sex differences in agreeing to sex with strangers are not just a matter of safety issues, pregnancy concerns, stigma, or disease avoidance. Controlling for all of that, researchers still find large sex differences in the willingness to have sex with a stranger.
Converging Lines of Evidence
In addition to these powerful experimental tests, a wide range of supportive evidence (literally hundreds of studies) confirms that men, on average, are more eager than women are for casual sex and tend to desire sex with more numerous partners, including complete strangers (Buss & Schmitt, 2011).
In terms of research on sexual attitudes, nearly all studies conducted have found that men have more positive attitudes toward casual sex than women, have more unrestricted sociosexuality than women, and generally relax their preferences in short-term mating contexts (whereas women increase selectivity, especially for physical attractiveness).
When considering attitudes toward mixed-sex threesomes, for instance, most people express very little interest, with the notable exception being men considering having sex with two women at the same time, even if they are strangers (Thompson & Byers, 2016).
Cognitively and emotionally, men are more likely than women to have sexual fantasies involving short-term sex and multiple opposite-sex partners; men perceive more sexual interest from strangers than women do; and men are less likely than women to regret short-term sex or “hook-ups.”
Considering sexual fantasies, men are much more likely than women to report having imagined sex with more than 1,000 partners in their lifetime (Ellis & Symons, 1990).
Behaviorally, men are more likely than women to be willing to pay for short-term sex with (male or female) prostitutes; men are more likely than women to enjoy sexual magazines and videos containing themes of short-term sex and sex with multiple partners; men are more likely than women to actually engage in extradyadic sex; men are more likely than women to be sexually unfaithful multiple times with differentsexual partners; men are more likely than women to seek one-night stands; and men are quicker than women to consent to having sex after a very brief period of time (for citations, see Buss & Schmitt, 2011).
Is Patriarchy to Blame?
Many of these sex differences are culturally universal, having been observed in dozens of samples around the world (Lippa, 2009; Schmitt, 2005).
One might claim universal features of “patriarchy” or “sex role socialization” are primarily responsible for this sex difference universality, and this is certainly partly true (though that doesn’t make these sex differences a “myth” and merely adds more to be explained).
Moreover, there are serious questions as to patriarchy and sex role socialization being the only explanations.
For instance, Schmitt (2015) found sex differences in the sociosexuality scale item, “I can imagine myself being comfortable and enjoying ‘casual’ sex with different partners,”were largest in nations with the most egalitariansex role socialization and the greatest sociopolitical gender equity (i.e., the least patriarchy, such as in Scandinavia).
This is exactly the opposite of what we would expect if patriarchy and sex role socialization are the prime culprits behind sex differences in consenting to sex with strangers.
How can this be?
Why are these sex differences larger in gender egalitarian Scandinavian nations? According to Sexual Strategies Theory (Buss & Schmitt 1993), among those who pursue a short-term sexual strategy, men are expected to seek larger numbers of partners than women (Schmitt et al., 2003).
When women engage in short-term mating, they are expected to be more selective than men, particularly over genetic quality (Thornhill & Gangestad, 2008).
As a result, when more egalitarian sex role socialization and greater sociopolitical gender equity “set free” or release men’s and women’s mating psychologies (which gendered freedom tends to do), the specific item “I enjoy casual sex with different partners” taps the release of men’s short-term mating psychology much more than it does women’s.
Hence, sex differences on “I enjoy casual sex with different partners” are largest in the most gender egalitarian nations.
Overall, when looking across cultures, reducing patriarchy doesn’t make these and most other psychological sex differences go away; it makes them larger (Schmitt, 2015). So much for blaming patriarchy and sex role socialization.
Despite this wealth of confirmatory evidence–as evidenced in real life experiments (controlling for many confounds and alternative explanations), numerous meta-analyses of sexual attitudes, and decades of work on sex differences in sexual cognition, fantasy, emotion, and behavior–some scholars have deemed the notion that men are more eager than women are for sex with complete strangers as a total “myth” (Rudman, 2017).
Like extreme climate change deniers, some of these scholars focus on a few contrived studies, torture the findings into a false narrative, and then claim that a few new empirical results completely refute a mountain of well-established evidence.
Below I explain why two particular studies commonly used in this manner do notrefute the mountain of evidence supporting sex differences in willingness to have sex with strangers. In fact, they are very much a part of the mountain.
Baranowski & Hecht (2015): Sex With Strangers at a Party and in a Lab
Baranowski and Hecht (2015) conducted two experiments relevant to assessing whether men and women differ in willingness to have sex with a stranger.
In Experiment 1, they had confederates approach participants at a “party” (at the bar, dance floor, or a smoking area at night).
Confederates were instructed to approach unknown members of the opposite sex who were without obvious company and say, “Hi, normally I don’t do anything like this, but I find you totally attractive. Would you like to have sex with me?”
In this “party” condition, Baranowski and Hecht found 50 percent of men (19 out of 38) agreed to sex with a total stranger (including 16 percent of men at the party who were already in a relationship—that’s a lot of willing male extra-pair copulators).
In contrast, only one woman (4 percent) agreed to have sex with a stranger (and she was not in a relationship). In a second “on campus” condition, 14 percent of men and 0 percent of women agreed to sex with a complete stranger.
Clearly requests at parties are more conducive to stranger sex than requests on campus (at least for men).
Also clear from this first experiment is that men are more receptive to requests for sex from total strangers.
In a second experiment, Baranowski and Hecht presented participants with a complex sequence of “dating study” experiences over time. Eventually, participants were brought into a university lab and were shown pictures of 10 people who presumably had previously reported they wanted to either “date” or “have sex” with the participant. If the participant then chose any of the pictures to date or have sex with in return, the researchers said they would then film an hour discussion between the interested individuals and then leave them to have a date or have sex in a safe laboratory environment. (This is legal in Germany where the study was conducted.)
What were the amazing “there are no sex differences in desires for having sex with a stranger” findings? From the original article: “Of all male subjects, 100 percent agreed to have a date or sex with at least one woman. This rate did not differ from the female consent rate (97 percent).” Did you notice that? Those results were for “date orsex.” Nowhere was it reported what the percentages were of men versus women specifically agreeing to have sex. As it stands, it might be that men agree to a date 1 percent of the time and to sex 100 percent of the time (unlikely, but possible), whereas women agree to a date 97 percent of the time and to sex 1 percent of the time. Because of this double-barreled reporting, we simply can’t know what the truth is about sex differences in wanting to have sex with strangers from the published Baranowski and Hecht (2015) percentage results.
It’s unbelievable that these results were published in this form, or that serious scholars would claim this published study is definitive proof that sex differences in consenting to sex with strangers are a “myth” (Rudman, 2017). Indeed, in order to do so they misinform readers about the findings, such as Rudman’s (2017) claim “100 percent of the men and 97 percent of the women agreed to potentially have sex with at least one stranger, which did not statistically differ.” Did you catch that? Rudman claimed the 100 percent versus 97 percent is just about sexwith a stranger. Well, the Baranowski and Hecht published data specifically cited by Rudman were about the “date or sex” with a stranger findings. There were nopercentage findings for just the sex condition in the published Baranowski and Hecht (2015) data.1
Most importantly, Baranowski and Hecht (2015) did report the raw number of strangers that men and women agreed to have sex with in their Experiment 2. These key data are actually relevant for evaluating Rudman’s (2017) claim that sex differences in consenting to sex with strangers are a “myth.” The findings? Men chose a larger number of strangers to have sex with (M = 3.57; SD = 1.16) than women did (M = 2.73; SD = 1.87), a moderately-sized sex difference, d = .56, even a little larger than the German sex difference in sociosexuality reported in the International Sexuality Description Project (d = .48; Schmitt, 2005).
So sex differences in consenting to sex with strangers did not disappear in this research study: Baranowski and Hecht (2015) clearly found sex differences in consenting to sex with strangers in both of their experiments. And in Experiment 2, the only reported data with which they precisely evaluated that question — which is number of strangers chosen for sex — there was a moderately-sized sex difference, d = .56. This is even larger than meta-analytic sex difference in attitudes to casual sex, d = .46 (Petersen & Hyde, 2010). And again, it’s also a little larger than the German sex difference in sociosexuality reported in the International Sexuality Description Project (d = .48; Schmitt, 2005). Converging lines of evidence, indeed.
Sex With Strangers vs. Sex With Celebrities
In 2011, Conley conducted an American version of the “ask for sex” methodology using hypothetical requests from unknown strangers and celebrities. (This study did not involve actual real-life requests.) Although her theoretical portrayal of evolutionary psychology was highly flawed (see Schmitt et al., 2012), her results were quite interesting (and again, supportive of the mountain of evidence that men and women differ in desires for sex with strangers).
Most importantly, Conley (2011) found in an “unknown stranger” condition there were very large sex differences in willingness to have sex with strangers. Using a rating scale, Conley found 74 percent of men would “entertain the possibility of the sexual offer” (rating between two and seven on a likelihood scale) whereas only 18 percent of women would. This is a key confirmation, of course, when it comes to directly testing whether there are sex differences in willingness to have sex with strangers.
But it is often missed given the study’s celebrity findings.
Within the highly attractive celebrities condition, Conley (2011) found women were much more likely to agree to a brief sexual encounter with a high-profile celebrity (e.g., Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp) compared with an unknown stranger, but men were relatively unaffected by a stranger’s celebrity status (men were hypothetically asked for sex by Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Lopez, but men were rather willing to have sex regardless of a woman’s celebrity status). As a result, sex differences in reactions within the celebrity requests for sex condition were minimal. However, these findings with celebrity requests for sex did not disconfirm or deem a “myth” that there are evolved sex differences in short-term mating psychology and desires for sex with strangers. In fact, these findings confirmed evolutionary perspectives on short-term mating psychology in several ways.
For instance, the celebrity findings confirm the view that women’s (but not men’s) short-term mating psychology is specially designed to obtain good genes from physically attractive partners (Thornhill & Gangestad, 2008).
Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp are extremely attractive, as are Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lopez, but as predicted by an evolutionary perspective, women’s short-term desires for sex with strangers were more profoundly affected by this extreme attractiveness.
The Conley (2011) study also used participants who were only 22 years old on average to consider sex with much older celebrities, celebrities who also were married. As evolutionary psychologists have pointed out, women in their 20s generally prefer older partners as short-term mates compared to men (Buunk, Dijkstra, Kenrick, & Warntjes, 2001), and women tend to find already-mated prospective partners especially attractive (Parker & Burkley, 2009). Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp (highly attractive, more than 10 years older, married) are among the most adaptively-potent designed humans when it comes to fulfilling women’s (but not men’s) evolved short-term mate preferences as outlined by Sexual Strategies Theory (Buss & Schmitt, 1993).
In short, the Conley (2011) research method was highly contrived to provide a special set of conditions within which men and women would appear not to differ in choosing to agree to casual sex (celebrities who are attractive, older, married, etc.). But the sex-similar results within this special condition are expected from an evolutionary perspective.
Indeed, given other findings on women’s evolved short-term psychology, such as women who are nearing ovulation and are already in relationships with asymmetrical and submissive partners being more likely to consent to sex with extremely attractive men (Pillsworth & Haselton, 2006), there may be certain contexts in which women are more likely than men to consent to short-term sex. That’s right, evolutionary psychologists argue that women are highly designed for short-term mating (Buss & Schmitt, 1993; Gangestad & Simpson, 2000; Kenrick et al., 1990). Just not designed in the same way as men.
So these special contextual factors utilized by Conley (2011) do not demonstrate that men and women have identical desires underlying their seemingly similar choices. The similar-looking choices result from a foundation of women (but not men) having specialized desires for short-term mating with highly attractive, older, and perhaps even married people; whereas men are interested in short-term mating regardless of these particular factors.
In the end, this is the key point of the Conley (2011) study: It takes Johnny Depp to get womento even consider agreeing to casual sex. For men, the difference between agreeing to sex with Jennifer Lopez versus a total stranger was minimal.
The Baranowski and Hecht (2015) study clearly found sex differences in consenting to sex with strangers in both of their experiments.
These facts should tell you a lot about the reality of sex differences in short-term mating psychology and willingness to have sex with strangers.
If you’ve been paying attention to the news, your grandparents, or society in general, you’ve likely been privy to the technology debate.
On the one hand, early tech adopters expound on the benefits of progress, of efficiency, of swiping right (or, left?).
On the other hand, luddites bemoan the loss of our planet, free-time, and conversation with strangers.
Advances in artificial intelligence, robotics, and the ability to build anatomically correct dolls have added some (sexy) fuel to the tech debate.
Specifically, should humans be harnessing our technological prowess to build sex-bots (a.k.a., pleasure-bots, service droids, R2-D2, etc.)?
Some argue that it’s only a matter of time before human-robot sex becomes as ubiquitous as other human-computer interactions, such as using an iPhone to order pizza [1, 2, 3].
Indeed, four companies are currently shipping sex-bots, and sex-bot brothels are now operating throughout Europe and Asia.
While the dawn of pleasure droids may seem inevitable (even for the decidedly low tech and low funded), it’s never too late to consider the opportunities and challenges that accompany advances in the $30 billion (!!!) sex-tech industry.
This post will provide a brief (and somewhat lighthearted) summary of the pros and cons of sex-bots.
TOP 5 ROBOTS CREATED IN THE WORLD FOR 2018
The following arguments have been made in favour of using robots for sex:
Sex robots could provide an alternative for people with socially unacceptable or harmful sexual preferences (i.e., paraphilias), such as pedophila or bestiality
Sex robots could take the place of prostitution and mitigate human trafficking.
According to the Foundation of Responsible Robotics, pleasure-bots could provide a sexual outlet and companionship for elderly individuals in long-term care homes , an argument reminiscent of using robo-pets in nursing homes
You could fulfill a lifelong dream of having sex with a robot that kind of looks like a creepy version of a celebrity, like this guy did.
Having routine robot sex could make instances of non-robot sex (in which you have sex with a real, live, sweaty human) seem more satisfying – a satisfaction akin to eating Vera Pizza Napoletana after months of eating frozen grocery store pizza.
So, if sex-bots have the potential to mitigate human suffering, fill a niche, and make sex between humans more satisfying, then what’s the big deal?
Before getting to the crux of this big deal (spoiler alert:
the current state of sex-bot affaires perpetuates harmful gendered ideals of sexuality), I’ll outline some cons of using robots for sex, which include the following:
Robots haven’t bought into the tinder hookup culture, so it’s pretty hard to meet robots for sex using dating apps.
Sex-bots could increase social isolation.
Some argue that sex robots used to treat paraphilias, such as a child sex-bot, could reinforce paraphilic orientations, such a pedophilia. This is similar to the argument made against child sex dolls, which are currently illegal in the UK and are being debated in Canadian courts.
Sex-bots are being created by (mostly) men with gendered ideas. This leads to robots being created with biased gender norms, which perpetuate preexisting stereotypes,
For example, sex-bots currently on the market have settings to reflect submissive (and even frigid) notions of female sexual companions.
Although the lack of robots on tinder and the risk of increased social isolation are scary, the last point gives the most cause for concern.
Indeed, the risk of perpetuating harmful gender stereotypes is at the heart of a position paper by Dr. Kathleen Richardson, a researcher in the Ethics of Robotics at the Centre for Computing and Social Responsibility.
In her paper, Richardson warns that the development of sex-bots may entrench gender relations that fail to respect the dignity of all parties involved in sexual exchanges.
Although I agree with many of the ideas advanced by Richardson, I recognize the march of technology as inevitable.
Thus, rather than joining Richardson’s campaign against sex robots, I feel it is more pragmatic to raise awareness of the pitfalls of human-robot sex and to provide people with the skills to foster meaningful and reciprocal human connections.
And finally, costing an average of $15,000.00 CAD, who the heck can afford a sex-bot anyway?!
SHOULD SOCIETY BE CONCERNED WITH SEX ROBOTS BEING SEX OBJECTS?
Why you’re having sex might be more important than how you’re having sex.
These days there are magazines and online posts telling us how to improve our sex-lives with promises that increased sexual functioning = increased overall well-being.
With all these posts telling us how to have sex and how much sex to have, we might forget about why we are having sex.
In fact, research has demonstrated that simply going through the motions might not be enough to achieve the benefits of having an active sex life.
So, it might be helpful to start thinking about why we are having sex instead of just having sex.
Self-determination theory is a motivation theory that classifies types of motivations along a continuum of autonomy, or in other words, the degree that you’re doing things truly for yourself.
Intrinsic motivations are the most autonomous motivations and extrinsic motivations are the least autonomous motivations.
Research has demonstrated that intrinsic motivations, or doing things truly for yourself, are associated with more positive outcomes than when you have extrinsic motivations.
This theory has also been applied to the sexual context.
Examples of intrinsic sexual motivations are having sex because it feels good, because it’s fun, or because you enjoy feeling close with your partner or if you may “others” that you wish to share experiences with.
On the other hand, extrinsic sexual motivations, might be having sex because you feel it’s the “normal” thing to do, or having sex to avoid conflict with a partner.
Compared sexual motivations between women with sexual difficulties and women without sexual difficulties.
They found that the women without sexual difficulties reported more intrinsic reasons for having sex and less extrinsic reasons than women with sexual difficulties.
The same study also found greater intrinsic sexual motivations to be associated with more positive outcomes such as greater sexual satisfaction, sexual arousal, lubrication, orgasm, sexual desire, and lower sexual distress.
The opposite pattern was found in extrinsic motivations.
When individuals had more extrinsic sexual motivations, they also had lower sexual satisfaction, sexual arousal, lubrication, orgasm, sexual desire, and greater sexual distress.
All in all, these findings tell us that sexual well-being might be about more than what you do or how you do-it might be about why you do it.
Sexual Contingent self-worth (CSW) is self-esteem that is dependent on maintaining what one perceives to be a successful sexual relationship .
When individuals with greater CSW experience positive events in the contingent domain, they have better well-being.
However, if they perceive failures in the contingent domain (sexual domain), they have poorer well-being. One study found that individuals who reported sexual problems, such as PVD, had greater sexual CSW than those without problems.
Individuals with greater sexual CSW may perceive a sexual problem, such as PVD, as a failure in the contingent domain, which could be associated with poorer psychological, sexual, and relational well-being.
Both women with PVD and their partners report feelings of failure in the sexual relationship.
However, couples affected by PVD report being just as satisfied with their overall relationship as the general population. Basing self-worth on the overall relationship (relationship CSW) may serve a protective function for couples coping with PVD.
In our study, we wanted to examine the associations between sexual and relationship CSW and the sexual satisfaction, sexual distress, relationship satisfaction, and depressive symptoms of women with PVD and their partners, as well as women’s pain.
What did we do?
We had 82 couples complete an online survey that included validated measures of sexual and relationship CSW and the sexual satisfaction, sexual distress, relationship satisfaction, depressive symptoms, and (for women) pain during intercourse.
What did we find?
When women with PVD reported greater sexual CSW, they experienced more sexual distress and pain.
When partners reported greater sexual CSW, they were less sexually and relationally satisfied and more sexually distressed, and women had greater depressive symptoms and lower relationship satisfaction.
When partners reported higher relationship CSW, they were more sexually and relationally satisfied and less sexually distressed, and women reported lower depressive symptoms and greater relationship satisfaction.
What do these findings mean?
Results suggest that couples’ greater sexual CSW is linked to poorer sexual, relational, and psychological well-being in couples affected by PVD, whereas partners’ greater relationship CSW is associated with better well-being.
Thus, when couples coping with PVD base their self-worth on their sexual relationship, they may be more likely to experience the negative consequences that are associated to this pain condition.
However, if partners are more focused on the overall romantic relationship, this may serve a protective function for both members of the couple.
Findings suggest that sexual and relationship CSW may be important targets for interventions aimed at improving the well-being of couples with PVD. The results also highlight the importance of including partners in research and treatment for PVD.
It is important to note that this study was cross-sectional.
Thus, all of the associations could have been in the other direction.
For example, it is possible that when couples coping with PVD have poorer psychological and sexual well-being, they are more likely to have greater sexual CSW.
Further research is needed to help determine the direction of these associations.
Come on now, kiddo
We’ll be alright
Me and you can count the lightning
In the middle of the night
Let them count the thunder
We’ll sit upon the roof
We can sit in silence
And pretend that we are bulletproof
Let them count the thunder
Tonight’s for you and I
Let’s sit and count the lightning as it tears across the sky
Let’s sit and count the lightning as it tears across the sky
As if we’ve been here always, you and I
You and I
You and I
You and I
Come on now kiddo
They’ll always call
We were always stronger
With our back against the wall
Let them count the thunder
Tonight’s for you and I
Let’s sit and count the lightning as it tears across the sky
Let’s sit and count the lightning as it tears across the sky
As if we’ve been here always, you and I
You and I
You and I
You and I
You and I
You and I
You and I
Let’s sit and count the lightning as it tears across the sky
As if we’ve been here always, you and I
You and I
You and I
You and I
Thank you all for those followers on this Blog, my facebook pages, and those who mean more to me than life itself..
My blog is FULL of lots of interesting and mainly disturbing things.. please don’t think I have lost the plot.. I did that a long time ago (well, last few months actually… not joking, but, joking)
Serious though these last 6-12 months have been difficult and great, and happy, sad and darn right upsetting but, you must understand that I had somethings I needed to stop, deal with, let go of and many other areas that is not necessary to share with you.
The reason is this.. we live a short and lovely life if we put our minds to it.. I am not that type of person that likes to be sad, depressed or inappropriate in a negative way.
I love to laugh my head off, smile when my cheeks hurt, I have a very “free loving spirit”and I enjoy beautiful open minded like minded people (crazy like me)
I have put harsh things on here and said, inappropriate things to some people that I truly care about, which isn’t right however, if you are my friend you will know that I do not mean anything by them.
Well, actually somethings I do mean (just saying)
I have in the last months been studying counselling and Let me tell you that is one thing I never thought.. was that I had the very symptoms that I was reading!!
Trauma, PTSD, all these things are very serious and can or will lead to your decline if you do not do something about it.
For me my past has been I would call it “a lesson that was learnt and moving forward it is just a memory of wisdom”.
If you have suffered anything for example like, abuse, rape, date rape, depression, anxiety, night swets, shaking, aggression, anger, any form of behavior changes you are best to seek medical help from your doctor and please, please seek a good counselor who deals with Trauma, PTSD.
In fact I have a recommendation see link below for his details please give him or your GP a call for help!
This will be placed on my blog site for others and thank you for your continued friendships and those who choose to stay on my facebook sites please visit 3wishes its a fun and inappropriate group with open minds and love life.
I write the above because I am also a survivor or each one of those experiences and I hope you understand you do NOT have to suffer YOU can get help and it will help you live a better life with allowing yourself to say… I am worth it and I am here to stay.
No-one should ever suffer abuse, and feel that they deserved it.. because you Didn’t … and those feelings and experiences.. I say this to the world, “You DID NOT TAKE My Spirit AWAY” I will live a life full of love, laugter and most of all I will LIVE it happy”
Blessing to you Franny x
Here below please go onto his facebook page and make a booking with Dave, he will provide you with the tools to live a happy life.
That made me start thinking about the psychology behind the celebration.
Halloween is actually an ancient Celtic holiday on which people believed they needed masks to protect themselves from bad spirits that roamed the earth on all Hallows eve. (if you are in America or in Australia depending on the high end of children around your neighbourhood!)
Thousands of years later, people are still wearing masks.
They hide behind anything from a false smile to headphones to my personal favorite:
People who wear dark glasses which tend to look a little creepy—and these people aren’t celebrities.
Then there are the emotional masks, the masks we hide behind because of fear.
For example, if we are insecure, we might hide behind the mask of name-dropping. If we are unsure of our power, we can hide behind mask of being a bully.
If we don’t think the world loves us, we can hide behind mask of anger.
We mask the debt we’ve incurred to pay for lifestyles we can’t afford;
we pretend things are fine at work, when our jobs are on the line;
we pretend things are okay in our marriages when there is distance.
What masks do you wear?
One of the most common reasons we wear masks is what I think of as Imposter Syndrome—the fear that the world is going to find us out.
One of our greatest fears is that if we show our true selves, the world will say, “Oh, it’s just you.”But being just you is actually the best and most perfect thing you could ever be.
As Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.”
Or if you are interested in the spiritual perspective, the psalmist wrote, d actress Fanny Brice explained,
“Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be because sooner or later, if you are posing, you are not being you.
The third reason is healing.
When we wear masks, we carve a piece of ourselves out— withholding parts of ourselves as unworthy.
But in relationships, especially in our spiritual relationships, we can’t be truly healed unless we offer up all the pieces.
It’s like handing someone a broken vase and asking him or her to fix it but holding back two or three of the broken pieces.
As one of the pastors of Hope City Church in Indianapolis, Indiana explained, “Masks make shallow what God has intended to be deep… (read this)
Everything in our lives get cheated when we choose to hide ourselves behind our masks.
We weren’t born with masks. We put them on, so we can take them off.
Start with this simple exercise:
Think about a negative messages you have held onto.
Why am I carrying that message?
Ask yourself whether it is true? More than likely, the answer is no.
And if it is not, then you have to ask these questions:
If I put it down, what would happen?
Probably nothing.
The main risk we face is the world’s reaction.
Opening yourself up threatens others; it invites them reevaluate their own lives. Many times, it forces them to realize that they too have the power to change, but they haven’t.
Don’t let that stop you.
Don’t pull your mask partially off then let the world scare you into putting it back on.
As the poet E. E. Cummings wrote,
“The greatest battle we face as human beings is the battle to protect our true selves from the self the world wants us to become.”
Think about the masks you wear and commit to taking them off.
Hold your gifts out to the world—no apology, no shame, no regrets.
As the old saying goes, every creature has its rightful place, and in that place it becomes beautiful.
George Bernard Shaw once said, “We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future”.
I had an amazing breakthrough recently when after a long journey of going through past experiences to resolve current conflicts or learnings, the noise, or haze stopped about my past, I felt that my life journey is not always dictated by otherse.g previous relationships, friends opinions, parents etc
Why do we need our past to justify and complete us to achieve that it is okay to understand, how much weight do we need to attach to the past to go forward?
The above was actually written by my talented husband and I have to say he has a point don’t you think?
We must, however, be honest with ourselves I believe that it all depends on the leverage of what a person has gone through Trauma, PTSD, whichever it lands under a tragic event or in my case events that did occur in my life was unfortunate and I wish it never occurred.
I think the sad part of trauma is that a small part of you is stolen or it slips away without you even being aware of how this will affect you in your current life if it does then you need to understand you’re going to have a life that will limit your lifetime of happiness.
We have no other choice but, to find help from others this is something you must understand when reading this post from me.
To be able to move forward and live a life full of love with “no regret” – these are the steps that I took before walking my path.
I have made a promise to myself:
I will learn to love myself and forgive myself for my past as I want to live a life of love going forward.
I will learn how to let go of my anger, resentment, guilt, hurt, pity and sadness it makes me feel about myself and those that I love
I will get up each day and try because I deserve a full life of love for me
I will thank those who have helped me because without them I could not be where I am today
I will embrace and thank each good day going forward with rewarding myself with a smile, laughter and effort that I enjoy because joy is a path to happiness.
I will learn how to deal with my trauma by whatever, is intended to be released from the events that made me be who I didnt want to be
I will learn to trust, love and give my best to those who are helping me live a better life
You must understand that GOALS, in moving forward with Trauma, PTSD is very important in your everyday life because frankly, we must set ourselves limits to achieve greatness in our working life it is no different than in our personal lives.
I am still learning and will continue to learn everyday going forward because even though I may feel better I still will have times I wont be but, that is okay with me because it is better to live a little happier than to exisit with a heart full of pain..
This is what I have learnt and will be using for the rest of my life moving forward
This is my life now as time goes by I will be writing about what really occurred in my life and how I managed to break through each moment of each day.. going forward.
I do this because I truly care about others and do not want to see anyone that has suffered what I have suffered in my past.
Here is the lastest books that I would suggest with raising your children with a Open Mind, without judgement, with love, a willingness to “Change Mindsets for a Beautiful Future”.
While there’s a growing awareness around the importance of prioritizing gender inclusivity in young kids, taking action on this topic is often tricky. There are now dolls that nurture boys’ empathy, and schools are working harder than ever to address gender inclusion in the classroom.
Another great way in is books. We already know that reading aloud to your kids has a myriad of benefits, so why not focus on books that center on gender inclusivity? Here are seven fantastic reads to start with:
Here is something I came across the internet – I especially love the last book below
Ivy Aberdeen’s Letter to the World
When a storm rips through 12-year-old Ivy’s town, she loses a book full of illustrations she’s drawn of two girls holding hands. The truth is, Ivy has feelings for another girl but doesn’t feel comfortable admitting it. Before she knows it, the drawings are appearing in her locker with mysterious notes encouraging her to open up about her identity. Order Ivy Aberdeen’s Letter to the Worldhere.
Neither
Whether your child doesn’t identify with one gender or another or has a gender-nonconforming friend or classmate, Neither is an excellent book to promote understanding and inclusivity. Neither is a creature that hatches in the Land of This and That, which only has two types of species: yellow birds and blue bunnies. Neither is part bird, part bunny, and struggles to fit in in a world where it seems every creature around it is one species or another. Order Neitherhere.
Marabel and the Book Of Fate
Think princes are the only ones who can save the day? Think again. In Marabel and the Book of Fate, Marabel is forced to fight trolls, giants, and fairies in a (s)heroic effort to save her brother, who has been kidnapped by an evil queen. Order Marabel and the Book of Fatehere.
Teddy’s Favorite Christmas Toy
Teddy’s favorite toy is his well-mannered, fierce, and stylish doll. But when he tragically loses her one day, his mom must go on a mission to save Teddy’s favorite toy—and she does everything in her power to reunite Teddy with his treasured doll. Order Teddy’s Favorite Christmas Toyhere.
Julián Is a Mermaid
While riding the subway with his grandmother one hot summer day, Julián notices three women dressed up as mermaids. He quickly begins daydreaming about working up his own mermaid costume but worries his grandmother won’t accept him if he does. This fun, colorful book grapples with big questions about identity and gender. Order Julián Is a Mermaidhere.
Jerome By Heart
Want a book that celebrates intimate closeness between two boys? Jerome By Heart tells the heartwarming story of a young boy named Raphael who deeply loves his friend Jerome. He talks about him so often, in fact, that it drives his parents crazy—but that doesn’t put a stop to his undying love for his companion. Order Jerome By Hearthere.
Pink Is for Boys
Blue is for boys and pink is for girls, right? Not in this empowering picture book, which encourages kids to express themselves with every color of the rainbow, not just the ones that have been assigned to them. Order Pink Is for Boyshere.
My star sign is Taurus, how true is mine today I seem to fall back into OLD patterns of my past self which is “When will I be betrayed, why do I feel like I am all alone”.
Those two statements above are so TOXIC…….
In moving forward if I don’t keep reminding myself that the above statement is NOT True I will potentially have a limited growth within myself and of course my amazing partner who I adore and if it wasnt for his strength I really feel that my life would or could potentially be very limited.
Without opening our eyes to the understanding that “Change”is such a beautiful emotional experience and this shift we so reluctatedly are afraid of doing can help you live a beautiful life.
Remember this though – We must be aware that change can happen within a instant look at your children they are always changing they never limit their minds.
Why is it so easy for our children that “Change” can happen so quickly?
TODAY’S HOROSCOPES – BY CANDII
Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)
You are a dreamer and usually have your head in the clouds. You are one of the most loyal signs of all the zodiac- as long as you have the freedom to be yourself. You struggle in relationships when partners try to manipulate or control you. Because you are so independent, you can come off as emotionally detached. You need a partner that proves themselves mentally before you can open up enough to give your partner your heart.
Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)
You are the most emotional of all the zodiac signs. This is a blessing and a curse in your relationships. You tend to shower your partners with affection and express all of your emotions (good and bad) with intensity. You struggle in relationships because you have a difficult time handling your emotional states. This can be extremely overwhelming for your partner.
Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
You are one of the best listeners out of all the zodiac signs. You love to shower your partner with love and affection. This is a great trait to have until it begins to feel suffocating for your partner. Once your partner begins to feel like you are “mothering” them, you’ll soon find your relationship hitting the rocks.
Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
One of the most loyal signs, you are devoted to your partner and committed to a long-term future. Your biggest struggle in relationships is learning to forgive and forget once you’ve been betrayed. You have a hard time forgetting past wrongdoings and love to hold on to a grudge. Your partner will quickly grow tired of trying to prove themselves over and over, even years after they’ve apologized.
Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)
You are the biggest flirt of the zodiac signs. You struggle with routine and consistency. You need a partner who is as adventurous and spontaneous as you are in order to commit. If you start to feel the monotony of everyday life, you will move on to a new conquest instantly. Your biggest struggle in relationships is learning to live with the boring routines that will inevitably happen throughout life.
Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)
Like a crab, you like to hide behind your tough shell exterior while being extremely soft and sensitive on the inside. Once you finally open up and trust someone, you commit yourself to them for the long-term. Your struggle is continuing to cling on to them after the relationship is over. You tend to hold on to past relationships for years, blocking any chance of allowing a new relationship to enter your life.
Leo
(July 23 – August 22)
You are known for your inflated ego and refusal to compromise. You really only struggle at the beginning of your relationships, when you’re trying to appear overconfident. This is a mask to cover up your own insecurities. Once you trust your partner, you open up easily. If you can get past your initial fears of being manipulated or betrayed, you develop fiercely loyal long-term relationships.
Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)
You are the perfectionist of the zodiac and your prospects are lucky if they make it past the first date with you. This serves as a benefit to your relationships, allowing you to weed out any potential losers upfront. On the flip side, no one likes their every move analyzed under the Virgo microscope.
Libra
(September 23 – October 22)
You rule the zodiac when it comes to successful relationships. Known for your giving and loving nature, you love maintaining many close relationships. Your biggest struggle in relationships is being too giving. You must learn to have boundaries or you will continue to get steamrolled in your relationships.
Scorpio
(October 23 – November 21)
Known as one of the most intense signs of the zodiac, your steamy nature is also your biggest lure. You may get a bad rap for having an explosive mood, but what really holds you back is the inability to forgive. Once someone has done you wrong, they stand little chance of ever making it back into your good graces. Ever.
Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)
Lust rules for you, Sagittarius and it will quickly blind you even faster than love. You are the zodiac’s most generous sign, which becomes a problem when you’re wearing your rose-colored glasses with the wrong person. Once you’ve fallen for someone, you give them the world. Don’t let the wrong person take advantage of you, without giving anything in return.
Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)
You struggle in relationships because you are so determined to get married and have a family that you do not spend enough time making sure the person is right for you first. You are very status driven and have to keep up appearances in order to be satisfied. This means you worry more about how your relationship looks outwardly to others versus
Do our children have the cure for Mental Health issues?
Why is it so easy for our children that “Change” can happen so quickly?
Have a view you will notice that I have pretty much argued the point with this lovely person who allowed me to use his post because I found it interesting..
I noticed most people stayed within the either A or B answers and explained themselves the reasons why.. then you have Me, a very irritating, annoying and most of all opinionated female that seems (rolling my eyes typing this) to make it her business to argue and decide to look outside the box by challenging these two answers.
So, I am hoping that some of you or at least a few of you will answer this questions he posted however, I am going to put a few “other” answers to his original post.
Question Challenge – think about it for a while, and then answer. Stare at the picture if you need to. This is purely hypothetical, of course, so give a hypothetical answer.
A real, genuine hypothetical answer.
Would you rather be married to or exclusive with
A) someone who doesn’t love you?
OR
B) someone who you do not love?
C) Explain why you could not do either of the above?
D) My want is just SEX so, I do NOT NEED to love a person to do so, if you answer this one you must explain why you answered this..
In other words, is it more important to love or be loved?
What do you think is the difference between loving someone and being in love?
And do you think it would be harder to tell someone you love them when you don’t know if they love you, or to tell someone who loves you that you don’t love them?
So, above is his question to his blogging mates… what is your thoughts on the above?
I would loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to hear from you on these questions via comments
I created this Blog to get a better understanding about myself to learn about my real self so I can finally help those who have suffered the same life experiences that I have endured from for all these years.
My journey has been a “Blessing in Disguise” it has taken me a very long time to finally live my life without regret and live it with a true idea of understanding.
I have to say from the bottom of my “True Self”, “without those that have supported me throughout my journey thus far”, I would not be where I am today!
My lifes journey has been a lesson and has provided me with the understanding that “Living a Life full of Love & Laughter“ is the only way to live it!
If you would like to ask us a question to help you live a forfilling loving life please forward your questions below and we will be happy to answer or help you grow..
We have created “Dear Candii,”for those that wish to ask her about anything in relation to love, life, depression, partner help, gardening if you wish, if you would like any advise for her to answer send it below or to our Emailthecandiiclub@hotmail.com
If you are not familiar with Redhotpie then I will tell you a bit about this amazing kinky and definitely Horney dating site that a lot of open-minded people love to go and meet new kinky-minded people and it seems to work wonders.
I love the forums you will notice some are dated and are a little old but very interesting to say the least I have learned a great deal and although you do have to put yourself as an available couple, it is interesting of how open minded you can become if you allow yourself that kinky option.
This lady which I will not name put a bit of a winged about a man she met to hook up for sex this is what she said for advice…
I just had a fella over for some Friday night fun (I’ve been messaging him for a bit, and he apparently loves eating girls out so I was keen to meet him) and it went the usual way again.
Started kissing, then I move down to give him head for about 10 minutes, then he gets me to hop on while I’m dry!
He didn’t touch my breast or butt, or anything during kissing or oral sex so it feels like I had no stimulation what so ever!
In the end, he couldn’t keep it hard so I just said let’s stop and I got dressed, He got so shitty he spat his gum out on my floor when he left! I’m puzzled!?!?
I’m a little overweight but he’s seen my pictures and it’s the first thing listed in my description.
I have good hygiene, I shave my pubic hair and I just had a shower before he came over.
I don’t understand why they say they love to give Oral sex and then don’t do it!?!?
I guess this is a little bit of a rant (I’m so angry about this guy spitting his gum out on my floor! Like what a dick!)
But, I’ve been wondering for a long time if I’m the only one this is happening too? Where you give and don’t get back.
Here were my thoughts and responses to the above angry unsatisfied young female
So this content is very interesting because firstly the girl is very young so her young bouncy ideas are if I do you, then I expect you to do me.
So, her anger was that she found that because she did him, well, then my opinion as she is extremely naïve with her sexual understanding is that “or you could use the old term of “Do unto others as one would do onto you”.
But, in fact I was a little alarmed about the poor fellow and his obvious uneasy awkward and guilty behaviour I would have noticed alarm bells pretty much straight away I would not have made any suggestion or apparent no attending to his nether regions now I do say this because I am much older, wiser and very much the foot is in my mouth before you can say hello..
Call this behaviour (mine) what you want but provoking his already uncomfortable demeanour wasn’t going to raise the post anytime soon by his lack of sexual chemistry or more not happy being here and I refuse to take part of any type of emotion.
So, what I said to her to use this as a experience if it had affected her slightly or more than that she should go seek help and then leave this alone because at the end of the day his business is his and his manner was definitely something that “triggered” his anger towards her in such a rude and how dare you manner.
When we don’t truly understand ourselves and those episodes occur often this is an alarm for yourself to know that not everything is all well inside yourselves especially the “mind”, now this powerhouse of a gift that we all have is very powerful indeed because it does store your past, your present and until the day you die.
You really need to understand that triggering an episode of this type being anger and unresponsive behaviour is about perhaps therapy and understanding your path of where your walked so basically if this occurs ongoing then this is definitely a defining moment that your mind is surely trying to protect you or tell you something this probably is best known as the Subconscious that loves to protect you, and sometime is quite the little bastard that makes you go Warning, memories are in your vicinity.. so back away from the smallish lady that is demanding sexual needs to be filled.
So, because we are only taught what we know we don’t ever think further of our own needs as humans in that kind of environment she was simply going I swap spit with you, then please do the same back.. AMEN ha!!
My thoughts are some young naïve learning she was very lucky that things didn’t go pair shaped further and he left and all she is left with the anger of him not closing the deal.
However, not so easy for him and his needs as he probably is aware but, as a man rather than ask which is valued as a weakness he will probably shelf this experience and do the same as her .. blame her for his behaviour.
Because what you don’t know is what you don’t know right……and that is sad because as I know how difficult it was for me when I had triggers, I went into a very deep hole of guilt, self blame and basically total mayhem of confusion because I never was given those beautiful gifts that can help thousands of people live a wonderful, sassy, smart-mouthed life like me now.. (mind I need to perhaps learn to tone that mouthy sassy, smarty pants behaviour down)
So, if this story ever triggers a healthy memory please use it and recognise that they could need help.
Hope I explained this story to you.. would like to hear from you if you enjoyed it or not.
Normally, I love Friday’s but, today I felt a little off and then I felt a lot off!!
The doctor yesterday said that I would have these up’s, downs, sideways, he then said which internally I thought “oh Shit”, that this is only the beginning!!
Fuck, that pissed me off, I was a little confused how I got here so damn quickly!!
I still cannot believe that I will be 50, trust me it isn’t the age, it’s that feeling of NOOOOOOO, this is so unkind I am only just starting to understand and that Is the Hot tipper, that is the upsetting part!!
I have been feeling very raw with my total sense of being, it’s like the Earth wants to swallow me up and I want to go (not a bad thing) its more of a grounded or like my senses are all so tender and my eyes are so damn open a little bit of me wants to squint them shut!
Everything, seems so cereal, like I have said, many times I felt like Movie, where he is the STAR and discovers that everything was fake!
“THE TRUMAN SHOW”
I recall his last words, even though he used humour to try and covered it up however, his eyes gave the hurt and that feeling of betrayal staring right at you!
When you start to enjoy your journey, your strength starts to open up like a flower on a hot Summers day, it seems like “perfect”, then sometimes as my hormones have been chaotic with my brain (some would say she isn’t so different) but, I am, my feelings are more pure, without fear, judgement, but, then with this feeling I can also feel the people around me and I went from smiling to frowning deep inside myself.
A part of me was worried and a little of me feared that “once again” I have to do my shorter journey on my own.. and that just upset me and made me feel very insecure let me tell you that feeling of being open to feel that emotion isn’t fun!
I told my sister-in-law that it took me such a long time to build those walls, it wasn’t that I want them up it was that they where not up and that made me scared that those who I had thought was walking with me.. kind of stopped still and I was still walking looking up happy, then suddenly I looked back and saw their faces of fright or that there feet were stuck to the floor like they could not walk or in fact that they didn’t want too!!
Being Single isn’t the scary part for me.. that is the easiest part
However, Walking a Journey SOLO, now that is like you might as well slit my wrists and check me into the next cemetery vacancy.. CUZ, I am not going down this path again by myself
Alone is fine… for example sitting alone reading a book…
Not walking a beautiful path solo with no one to share it with. NOW??
I have always walked solo, and for the first time in my entire life as a person I had others walking with me and I felt amazing, I still do but, today I did have these “cold moments that perhaps I was wrong and I was walking alone once again”.
Insecurity, doesn’t work well with me, at all, in my past it was like everyday of my young life, I had to work at altering my entire personality to be someone that I was not born to be and that was HARD!!
I literately, created or invented a separate person that had strength and this emptiness that I cannot even describe to you who this girl “thing” was!
With each hurting experience I changed, I became harsh, harder, until “nothing” !!
I have this ability (sounds really stupid) If I allow myself to bond with another its like I can see their soul, it’s weird, I get these feelings of chilled moments, then I will see something not so good in someone, and that isn’t something easy to witness.
There is a lot of reasons for people to be who and how they walked their path and I try not to judge because I have seen this within me, the best way I can describe this picture is kind people will always be kind people.
Those traits that kind people have are never erased from their selves, then for a moment in their body language, or speech or even a turning glance I go “there, OH, No”. It takes my breath away sometimes, because that “PURE PAIN”, that is “PURE AGONY” that appears so quickly like the wind because they have created this part of them down to a perfect tea of their own Protection!!
These people are beautiful souls, but, some, will NEVER LET YOU IN!!!!!
I get that feeling of self hate, of never wanting to trust someone with your heart again because you know that they will cut it up and put it in a wheelie bin…
They are my people, I am their people, however, it is the most hardest journey in the WORLD for us to believe each other not because we don’t like one another but, because we are the SAME as one another..
Hurt, beautiful, kind, Nasty, patient, cruel, selfless, selfish, do you see or understand that you, me, us are exactly the same… Why keep hurting each other and STOP for 1 damn moment and STOP for a minute!!
Stop for a minute!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP FOR A BLOODY MINUTE SO I CAN TELL YOU WE ARE ALL THE SAME LIKE MINDED BEAUTIFUL SOULS..
Who need to give one another a break and allow ourselves that chance to live… and have a happy life open, to a endless possibility of being happy, laughing loudly and live your life free from stress, fear, all those revolting anchors that hold us all down and say to us on a constant basis YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH
I say BULLSHIT, we ARE…. and we WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are not those people who hurt others… stop going forward to them.. and start loving yourself and those that love you…
This is a very short life we are alive…. Please, don’t make it even shorter… cuz, that to me isnt living that is something entirely different.. its called being BLIND
If you understand what I said above I would love to hear from you.. both if you wish or others that have felt that above…
Albert Einstein said, “You cannot solve a problem with the mind that created it.”
That’s why we all sometimes need a coach, or mentor, or someone that will be able to help others like both men and women who love their kinks and take them seriously, passionately and darn right naughty right!!
Someone who has our highest good always in sight and has the ability to open their minds curiously in a safe environment for you.
A small group of individuals who sees and believes in our capacity for pleasure, joy and fulfillment.
Those Mentors that have gone on their own sexual journey can help you with yours and who has had to walk their own talk to enjoy a sensually gratified life and can guide us all.
Our Vision in the next two years is about mapping out the best Adventous with the most Professional manner that we will provide you all with the right tools as “Couples”, Singles, people who might need a little help in moving forward in a safe place that we will create for you all or those that tempt to attend our Workshops..
My role will be to provide couples with a Male Mentor by my side who has the same vision as that I hope we all will and help others form an amazing Community of Like-Minded, grounded, real people who have a high level of respect, and loyality to make this the most amazing experience those that attend our Retreats and of course learn how to become the best sexual empowered people that we will make you.
So stay tuned and as time gets shorter “always moving forward” you will see other Mentors that will their expertise on this Blog and you can interact and build your own rapport with them.
So, until next time Kinksters, be kind to yourself.. Peace out Fx
Sometimes, one of the best ways of making things interesting in the bedroom can be as simple as a game of make-believe with your partner.
Make-believe only works however when all participants understand that if the girl felt like she ended up as the 3rd wheel and was really never given the benefit that her honesty and loyalty and heaven forbid her love was never validated ever… I really have to say why on earth did you even include her in your life?
Had no idea that TRUST is still an issue!!!
THAT felt like someone drives a dagger into her heart and laughed!!!
So much for pipe dreams… so yes kids do play with toys.. pity they made her out of clay because they didn’t trust enough to play.
As they say you can drag an Asshole to water but if the Dom refuses to Drink then it wasnt meant to be.
Always offer, ask, and with luck, love, trust, honesty and kindness.. they would be your best friend and love you to bits of you cared enough about her..
This kind of erotic role-playing can really bring some creative life into your sexual explorations and create an outlet for expression that is unique in its nature.
There are literally infinite variations of erotic role-playing scenarios;
the only limit to what can be done with this kind of activity is the limit of one’s own abstract desires and fantasies.
People have come up with a great variety of different role-playing variations, but there are certainly still the traditional favourites such as police officer, school girl, and school teacher role-playing fantasies.
When preparing to engage in an erotic role-playing scenario, all participants should have a thorough discussion with each other about what is going to happen and what to expect with a given role-playing experience.
This kind of effective communication can help to ensure that everyone involved in an erotic role-playing endeavour will feel safe and secure during the event. For the benefit of erotic role-playing enthusiasts, as well as those individuals who feel compelled to try this type of exceptional role-playing, some of the basics of this enjoyable erotic practice will be briefly discussed.
Equipment Used in Erotic Role Playing
Many times in an erotic role-playing situation, having different types of props or sex toys available for use can be an enjoyable variable to have in the mix. Some people tend to believe that all sex toys and erotic role-playing props are created equal, but this is not always true.
This is to say that some sex toys can actually be made out of materials not suitable for penetration or other sexual acts; these models should be avoided at all cost.
The problem is that many erotic props and sex toys are manufactured and sold under the pretext that they are merely novelty items, and this way, manufacturing companies can use whichever cheap and potentially hazardous materials they want to in their items, and not be held accountable if someone gets hurt by their product.
For this reason, always make sure to research the different vibrators, plugs, massagers, and other sexual props and toy items before making a purchase. Always make sure that all of the toys and props that will be used for penetration related erotic activities are 100% able to be sterilised.
This can ensure that all of your sex toys and props will be able to stay safe and clean even after being used many times. Also, sexual lubricants can be an important component of any safe and healthy erotic role-playing adventure.
I came across this title this morning over the internet and I only write about the things I have gone through myself especially if I can relate to it and I have to say this definitely took my interest.
Firstly, I will begin by saying that being alone is not scary, or dangerous, or a curse, or any other bullshit thing that people (society) make it out to be.
Being alone is also not lonely unless you make it lonely.
Being alone is better than settling for a bunch of shitty dates that get you feel horrible about yourself or waking up next to some dude who thinks your name is Whitney when it’s not even close.
Being alone is the time you have to get comfortable with yourself and that time is so valuable.
This is a time for you to re-charge, re-invest and re-think the last so many years you may have either been married prior or in a long-term relationship. You have to give yourself a break from time to time because we seem to think that “Oh, my god!, this feeling of loneliness is actually a gift from God himself or herself whichever or whoever he/she maybe.
You see everything that occurs (excluding murder, you know what I mean) happens for a reason and for whatever reason this decision or the decision that was made for you to separate is what the universe has given you as a test in your life.
In other words, the universe has given this to you to learn, reflect and look back to teach you something that may have been hasty of you to make or for whatever reason it is what it is a test to do something for yourself or whatever your reasons may have been at the time.
I remember when I made my decision to leave my first husband (I know sounds like I am Elizabeth Taylor aka 11 ex-husbands Ha!)
I was 20 years old I was very young my family circumstances at the time with a family member made me feel like I had no choice. I had a lot of rules as young girl I worked full-time, and I felt the walls at home was coming in and when this kind of stress creeps in you end up making decisions based on emotion.
As I look back and reflect on my past, I can allow myself to have a little giggle about what makes people get so stressed and worked up about being alone when there is no reason for it at all because being alone is as good or as bad as you make it.
For me, it was like someone had taken this heavy weight on my shoulders off and suddenly I felt lighter and happier I had been in an 8-year marriage and by this time I was a mother of a beautiful son who was 5 years old.
By this period I was 27 years old, and finally, it felt like I had left my home to discover life for the “very first time”, and I embraced this feeling with all of my might. Don’t think I didn’t get my ASS kicked for being a failure, single mother, my family being Italian gave me such a hard time about divorce being the first person in the family that has ever done this to “THEM”.
I have to laugh because looking back at that point I knew that everyone seemed to have an opinion ab0ut my life!! Go Figure!
I lost all my friends because I was a single mother (average looking) and a definite threat to any husband within a 10 k radius hahaha! I kid you not!
What occurred after divorcing was a slippery slide of being free for the first time, my thoughts were mine which felt amazing but strange at the time this was mainly because I had never felt this sense of “me time” however, I was a single mother, so it really wasn’t just my time.
The most tremendous thing I came across was everyone had their own opinion on my new status, and it was funny. (not funny really) Everyone went into “panic mode” it was like, Oh, my God, she is alone a single mother, suddenly I was thrown into old friends trying to hitch me up with someone new or old in my case.
I swear it felt like everyone was thinking or at least this is what occurred to me, “She must have someone in her life to be complete” HA!
They would try and set me up in an roundabout way by inviting me over to their house with a new friend coming over at the same time. Yuk, what on earth, I swear my face must have had this creased up, screwed up terminate look on it staring at them and thinking to myself, “for crying out loud, people are you serious!!!”
For example, I would be invited to dinner while not knowing I was invited because they had a friend what apparently was perfect for me???
Oh, not to mention the ex-husband advising me who I should date??
Seriously, who I should date? Ex-husband? Oh, My GOD!!!
Anyway, this is how I saw it.. being alone meant that I for the first time in my entire life was free to make my own decisions and it felt GOOD!
There was NO WAY I was going into another relationship because my friends, family, ex-husband or even society thought was best for ME!!
This is what being alone meant to me
Being alone was hard. However, nothing in life is or would be ever easy but, it was the most liberating feeling that I had ever made. I would never change this feeling for the world it was the best decision of my life and my son’s life at the time.
I believe this – when making any decision in life you make sure you do this because it is right for you, yes, Society it means being “selfish”.
You are changing your environment because it wasn’t working, you felt what you felt, you made a decision because it was yours to make!!!
Once you are ready then you can do the below things according to your rules, my husband says (current one) set behaviours.. or they will be set for you, and this isn’t good.
So to be ‘being alone” means many things;
Be alone until you find someone who talks about you and who talks you up to their friends, or family, or co-workers, or the homeless dude on the street corner – literally anyone.
Be alone until you find someone who is proud as hell to show you off because and visa verse, anything less than that is bullshit.
Be alone until you find someone who can’t wait to see you but not in an overbearing, pushy, controlling manner but in an “I care about you” way because yes, there is a difference between the two. And no, being with someone who controls you is not cool.
Be alone until you find someone you actually want to spend your free time with not someone you’re convincing yourself you like or worse – someone you have to convince to like you. Someone whose attention you have to beg for is not someone who is worth your time. If someone likes you, you will know. Otherwise it’s time to let them go and focus more on yourself.
Be alone until you find someone who misses you when you’re not around, not someone who forgets you exist on the weekends unless they’re drunk and lonely.
Be alone until you find someone who actually gives a shit about the way you feel. Not someone who says “oh well, you’ll forgive me later” or just expects you to get over it.
Be alone until you find someone who doesn’t ghost you or leave you hanging more often than not.
Be alone until you find someone who is proud of you, who inspires you, who wants you to be better and trying to help you get there.
Be alone until you find someone who erases your insecurities and makes you feel good in your own skin.
Be alone until you find someone who puts you first and makes you feel like a priority because you don’t have time to be an option.
Be alone until you find someone who actually gives a shit about you. So many people settle for mediocre relationships with lame ass people – don’t be one of those people. Love is the one thing you should never, ever settle for.
Until then – be alone and grow and become the best you can become then do the above find someone who is your equal and live life FULLY.
Here I am again being drawn to my Angel Cards for Guidence again, so, I asked this question
Will I live a Happy, Forfilling Life full of Love?
Cupid and Daydreamerwas exactly the same as before the next card being Release and Surrender ( excellent card) …. Then the next card drawn was Family!!
As I am reading each card…. having nearly a heart attack it state alot around my father being sick and “Release and Surrender” .. but when the Family Card was drawn this was the double meaning!!!
It mentioned Blue, Red, Green, wavey beautil lights above this was Arch Angel Micheal, who is actually Kates Brother which I spoke with her yesterday about him.
That Michael is going to be around my father to take him into Heaven safely, the lights are those above (which I will put up later they represent waves of water like movement)
Then the Family card was drawn and this was around my own family and old friends that are coming back into our lives to stay… because they also want to live a more forfilling life to “Live, Laugh and Love”.
And these where the cards that was drawn….
I draw the same two.. Cupid and Day Dream…
Card: Cupid – from the Daily Guidance from Your Angels Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue.
Message from The Faeries: Some of you are experiencing a particularly challenging time in your life. Nothing seems to be working out the way you want it to. It’s like there is a dark cloud above you at all times. In some cases this is literally so – the weather is getting you down. For others, it just feels like a long dark teatime of the soul.
Here is the heart of the matter: it’s the heart! You need more love in your life. It doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship or not, you need love. As we have said many times now: self- love is the key to receiving and having loving relationships in your life. If you don’t love yourself, how are you going to be able to recieve the love of others?
While it is true that others can inspire you to love, a full and wholesome love can only be achieved with the love of self. If you don’t know how to take care of yourself and love yourself, any expression of love with another person will have more challenges and runs the risk of unhealthy codependency.
For all of you single people out there who have lost hope of ever having romance in their life, please do not despair. All the work you have put towards yourself has not been in vain. If you’ve been spending lots of time learning to love yourself, appreciate the fact that it might take some time to meet someone who has also done this work. Have faith that you will meet an equal love exactly when you are meant to.
We would also like to say that if you are having a tough time in the romance department, take the time to do another scan of your attitude towards yourself.
Daydream
Message from your Angels: “You will more easily hear and receive our messages if you daydream regularly. Relax and open your mind to receiving, without directing our thoughts. Just notice any feelings, visions, or ideas as if you were watching a movie. This is the seat of creativity.”
The angels sent you this card because they wish you to be open and receptive to new ideas. It’s important for you to engage in daydreaming now as a way to receive inspiration and wonderful ideas. Don’t try to make anything happen. Just follow the trail of your thoughts naturally, as they flow into new ways of looking at things. Write your ideas in a special journal and ask your angels for guidance on which action steps to take to enact these dreams. Take action without delay where you’re guided.
The Family Angel Car
The Reflection
This situation is rooted in an emotional experience with a family member, which we can help you to understand and heal. In your mind and heart, surround this person, yourself, and the experience with calming blue light and many angels. Be open to the gifts within the situation, and allow yourself to feel peace.
The Image
Two winged angels and four children commune in a tone of joy, comfort and acceptance. The little ones are lifted and cared for; the older children equally present but in different ways. Each plays a role in conveying the message of Family. Look closer and find trails of brilliant white light encircling them. Even at first glance, one gets the sense that the angels are “present” for the children. Although this may not appear to be a traditional family, it is Family nonetheless.
As a young girl I was head strong, stubborn (still am actually) pig headed, I knew it all…
However, I “hated anyone knowing I needed someone to HELP ME”
It doesn’t matter how old you get or weather you are a young girl, a young teenager or a young women or even my age we all have the same trait…
This goes also for men and it is even harder for them to ask and say, if you don’t mind I would really love you to “listen to me” without your saying a thing!!!
I even forgot to listen to my friend Katie, when she was talking we somehow without us even being aware that we are doing this we tend to share our feelings when we hear certain things that a person is saying to you.
But, what we forget is to “Stop, wait, listen and hear those words by watching their body language and face and so many, many things we all forget to do..
Luckly, Katie, knows me so well, and said, Francesca, which I then went oh crap I did it again… however, since I have started this counselling I am learning.. and will keep learning until the day I die.. because I love it and I love to help others the difference is now I am starting to “get it” I am starting to understand what that spoken word is and I can do this because I have done alot of soul searching on myself with help of course.
Did you notice something I just said, WITH HELP…. OMG…
So you see my lovly viewers we all need to listen but, most of all we need someone that understands us and will hopefully guild us to a better place within ourselves to live on tis beautiful world called Earth.
Anyway, I wanted to share this again..“IT is the hardest thing to ask…. to allow ourselves to open up and share our feelings, to trust that person that is standing in front of us saying to you I am here and I am not going anywhere…”
And that is my promise…. I will never go away, I will always try and help you that is within my reach or I will definately guild you to someone that can help you better..
So, my lovely friends, minions, aquaintences and may other labels we love to slot into our Zone.
Well, as you know I am hitting the age of “Being Nifty and Bloody well 50”, So, will all due respect it is my turn to Fell and be Real.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years this year, I adore this guy, he is handsome, very intellegent, he has helped many of his friend (well at least the ones that are true to him) and I believe that his loyalty towards one and not two or more is brilliant and admiral and every bloody great validating word I could use I would use for this beautiful soul.
I have met many beautiful souls in my life and I have also met some Ass souls as well (pardon the pun) however, bit my lip, soldiered on and allow people to walk, trod, stamp and fuck me over.. and even though my husband would not admit this I can actually take his rath and say you didnt deserve any of it…
We live as kids even though I must admit to have a great childhood you have to be totally honest with yourself… you take the good, bad and the damn well ugly things that we did but, our Monkey you which was 1968 was a bloody great year of shocking music of the 80’s, Amazing bands of the 80’s and the pubs from a Friday to a Sunday and even those thursday nights where full to the brim of the same lacokin raskals and most of us had a ball..
My husband has the most amazing photos of his mates with smiles from ear to ear and so he should do, he also has some love letters that I adore him having and when needed or triggered they do come out… however, I do have to push him to do this..
Why?
Because it’s part of his life and I love watching him talk about his past with his mates, exgirl friends, Rotto, Triatholons, working for his father the ups and downs and moments of sexual 80’s moments..
I embrace those chilled out funny, so bloody funny moments that he can actually laugh, smile and feel relaxed without feeling guilty for anything he has done in his life.
We all live to the best of our ability and those old sayings which I will go into in a moment are sacred and so true for example:
Will you go out with me?
Your dropped?
Ask her if she will be my girlfriend?
Whatever!
Cool!
Oh Derrr
Your such a nerd!
Excellent!
Kiss my ASS
FcuK OFF WILL YA!
Only Dags smoke Fags!
You Scuk Ass HOLE
Save Ferris
Get out of town
Spunk
Sllut
Your so gay!
Crikey Moses
Hairy Bunt (work that one out)
ACDC (Accca Daccca)
And those games we played as kids:
Doctors and Nurses
Murder in the Dark
Spot Light
Kiss Chasey
Your it
What’s the time Mr Wolf
there are more…
And our games we played (board games)
Snakes and Ladders
Twister
Monopoly
Scrabble
Tic, Tac, Toe, (knorts and Crosses)
Marbles (swap ya for a bolder)
Stickes (girls played)
ElASTICS
Roller Skating (speed skate
I could keep going and going and going…. as you got older you then played strip poker, naked twister (some did not me) so many and I am sure you will remember..
So, the innocents of children, playgrounds where full, no mobile phones, to have a bike was the best thing since Tom Cruise came for a Roast Dinner, after TOP GUN!
Nite clubbing with your girl friends and driving home early (well I had too) god damn it it really was a great time in our lives I loved it for the little that I really had as a girl growing up in those times.. you see it was “The thing to be married before you could walk) joking well it was something to brag about..
Parents back in those days where harsh to some of us.. girls couldnt move out until they got married (me) and a few other friends of mine.. Boys, who actually had a bit of grunt and to the “Old Moldies” to go Fcuk themselves as the gave them the forks and met up with their mates to end up at the strippers or clubs or pubs..
Boys learning very quickly to be Men and Girls learning quickly to be long term girlfriends and eventually wives to their HOT SPUNKY Boyfriends.
Friends back in those days cherished every moment with you .. they loved your presents, some did and some didnt but, those who really adored giving you shit those mates you could say anything too and they would still love you for it…
Guess what…?
Well times change us we divorse we leave with our bitterness and baggage and we slander those who once loved us… some cannot continue and they leave this earth because some people are very cruel..
Sometimes after many years of perhaps being solo you become a little cinicle of others so what occurs is you feel that they lack “authentisicity”, perhaps they do, perhaps we have no idea what their real life is behind those doors that we close at night!
It’s interesting isnt it.. you start reading this and its about courage, its about loyality, its about friendships that are bonded from being young…
When you get to lets say 45-50 you finally realise they gone.. no longer available, you have a few that still hold onto calls and text messages or perhaps occationally give you a few moments of their time.. which you hold so dearly too because its rare right!
We are all guilty of this … ALL OF US….
Sometimes we get tired of playing the same song and finally you wake up and realised your playing it solo and no-ones listening…
MY CHALLENGE TO YOU ALL……. IS THIS
So, my point is to you instead of texting… insteading of facebook….. do yourself a favour in the next few weeks and pick up that phone and talk to someone you miss.. or you would like to hear from…
Put in a bit of effort .. STOP BEING LAZY, PIG HEADED AND GOD DAMN YOUR PARENTS…. AND bring a little back to what you all where once….upon a time…
Ladies and Gents.. because our time on this earth isnt LONG
Well, Wow, Women really get the lot don’t they we get to the young age well some do of let’s say 11 years old and bleed until we are at least 50 years old… Then because we are just legends we have our babies, then give birth out a “tiny” hole called the Vir-jay-jay … Then after we squeeze out those puppies well some I didn’t I had my stomach ripped open.. lucky me!!
We then rear them up to young standing people of Society or Criminals and Chefs (joking about the Chefs personal joke) We then still bleed until we are like I said 50 then us lucky bitches go through a roller coaster of hot swets, insecurity about pretty much everything the sun came out to day (crying saying why haven’t I noticed the sun before .. you know what I mean)
We then think no one loves us, no one cares.. and then our Verjay jay dries up!!!
Terrific…..Anything else I need to know???
Now that is really all I have to say today…. I need to now prepare myself for Death.. cus I am nearly OUT TO PASTURE…
Sigh…. Signing out FRannny the Granny… heheheheh
Peri-Menopause
Although perimenopause is clearly the most noticeable stage of the menopause process, most women fail to realize what perimenopause really is.
Perimenopause, as its own name suggest, is the time in women’s lives near menopause. Symptoms such as hot flashes and mood swings appear, causing women to feel uncertain about their own bodies, as they go toward the end of their reproductive lives.
Perimenopause, the second menopausal stage, is not something to be dreaded. Armed with sufficient and accurate information, the storm of perimenopause can be weathered with grace and relative ease.
About Perimenopause
What is Perimenopause?
Perimenopause can be a somewhat uncomfortable and even frightening time for women who are unprepared for the changes that accompany it. It is the second stage of the menopause process, and it can be recognized as the stage that signals the start of the end of the reproductive years.
Although all women are different, they usually enter perimenopause in their late thirties or early forties. During this time, the female body prepares for the total cessation of reproductive functions, causing myriad changes and feelings.
Causes of Perimenopause
At the most fundamental level, perimenopause is caused by a sudden increase in hormone fluctuations.
There are two major reasons for these to happen:
Hormonal Causes: They result in the visible signs and symptoms of perimenopause. This involves the natural hormonal fluctuations that accompany aging and eventually lead to an end of the reproductive years.
External Causes: These involve things like stress and medical procedures that can trigger hormone changes.
Perimenopause Symptoms
Probably the most recognizable feature of perimenopause, symptoms is the way women’s bodies respond to the erratic hormonal changes taking place. Perimenopause symptoms often begin at a mild level of intensity and may come and go unpredictably for months or even years. Some of the most common perimenopause symptoms are:
Although the symptoms mentioned above are the most common, there is a whole array of perimenopause symptoms.
Many women might discover that their perimenopause symptoms are significantly disrupting their lives. These women might readily seek out treatments for perimenopause.
This isnt my work but, I can never stop myself from posting GOOD quality information
Personally, I love SQUIRTING only really started last year.. go figure.. or was that the year after last year. never mind… you can go with that in your HEADS..
AGAIN NOT MY WORK.. APART FROM THE ABOVE THAT IS MINE…
Introduction
During sexual stimulation, some women report the discharge of a noticeable amount of fluid from the urethra, a phenomenon also called “squirting.” To date, both the nature and the origin of squirting remain controversial. In this investigation, we not only analyzed the biochemical nature of the emitted fluid, but also explored the presence of any pelvic liquid collection that could result from sexual arousal and explain a massive fluid emission.
Methods
Seven women, without gynecologic abnormalities and who reported recurrent and massive fluid emission during sexual stimulation, underwent provoked sexual arousal. Pelvic ultrasound scans were performed after voluntary urination (US1), and during sexual stimulation just before (US2) and after (US3) squirting. Urea, creatinine, uric acid, and prostatic‐specific antigen (PSA) concentrations were assessed in urinary samples before sexual stimulation (BSU) and after squirting (ASU), and squirting sample itself (S).
Results
In all participants, US1 confirmed thorough bladder emptiness. After a variable time of sexual excitation, US2 (just before squirting) showed noticeable bladder filling, and US3 (just after squirting) demonstrated that the bladder had been emptied again. Biochemical analysis of BSU, S, and ASU showed comparable urea, creatinine, and uric acid concentrations in all participants. Yet, whereas PSA was not detected in BSU in six out of seven participants, this antigen was present in S and ASU in five out of seven participants.
Conclusions
The present data based on ultrasonographic bladder monitoring and biochemical analyses indicate that squirting is essentially the involuntary emission of urine during sexual activity, although a marginal contribution of prostatic secretions to the emitted fluid often exists. Salama S, Boitrelle F, Gauquelin A, Malagrida L, Thiounn N, and Desvaux P. Nature and origin of “squirting” in female sexuality. J Sex Med 2015;12:661–666.
Having a month’s free rent is a godsend when you need to work at top speed to get a shop ready for business. Before we moved in, the shop had been a hydroponics store (haha) and there were little partitions everywhere and a low ceiling with cables running all over the place. The bones of the place were good though and we could see our vision unfolding.
I’m not much of an interior designer but I do like to pour over magazines and I’m a mad Pinterest fan. But Pinterest didn’t exist in 1998 and there were no types of stores like the one I was envisaging in existence. When I did speak to designers (who I couldn’t afford) they always came up with the same old story of red velvet, lots of cushions and draping fabrics. ‘No, that’s a French bordello’ I always thought. It’s not that simple to re-frame an age-old construct, even for a professional. How do I come up with an interior that’s not intimidating on a very small budget?
The only stores that were inspiring me back in the 90’s were the revamped (but soon to fail) George’s on Collins and the newly opened Husk store in Armadale. Both stores had a wonderfully original, creative flair and heralded the beginning, for me anyway, of shopping as an experience. Husk was a gift/clothing shop that served coffee in a divine Moroccan style garden and had a fire crackling in the store over Winter. Shopping for earrings and a new jacket had never been this much fun.
That’s what I wanted Passionfruit to be. An experience. Sex shops had always been the antithesis of fashionable, welcoming, fun and warm. I wanted a place where all of the senses were ignited. The ‘natural’ look was all the rage at the time and I decided that more than anything, the store should feel homey and comforting rather than glamorous or frou-frou and maybe alienating.
When, with the help of my partner, parents, brothers and sister, we gutted the shop and pulled out the fake ceiling (much to my dad’s insistence that it was ‘fine’), we uncovered a beautiful building with a 15 foot soaring, timber ceiling. The sisal carpet went in, stone shelving bolted to the wall, a beautiful iron and sandstone ‘toy table’ installed and stock merchandised.
Merchandising was something that I had never seen in traditional sex stores. After all, how can you merchandise ‘Beaver Eaters’ and ‘Ron Jeremy’ dildos? This was a problem I had been pondering for quite some time. There was actually no nice packaging in the entire industry in those days. You can’t have a nice store filled with ugly, pornographic blister packs so I had to repackage everything to streamline my merchandise.
All the packaging went in the bin and the toys put in our own satin bags and renamed. ‘Beaver Eater’ became ‘White Knight’, ‘Ron Jeremy Dildo’ became ‘Sensei’ and so on. We still get asked for ‘Seven Deadly Sins’ which was our name for the ‘Pussy and Arse Egg’. They have then stored in their own velvet lined drawers in the toy room and a wholly unique sex store was born
(It’s a bit mortifying now but at the time I thought it was pretty good)!
After four exhausting weeks of my partner finishing NEIS in Geelong, me running around managing a work site and moving house (we moved into the upstairs rooms to save money), it was finally time to open the door. I’d been up all night creating a window display but was ready for my first big day.
I unlocked the door, stood behind the counter and waited. And waited. And waited. After all that frantic activity, this was a huge disappointment. Nothing. We did get a few customers that day and I sold my first strap on harness! ‘What the hell am I doing?’ I thought. I still think that sometimes, especially when business isn’t going great guns, but the philosophy of the store as well as my mission have always been the same.
We did make $63.00!!
My mission at the time was
“To re-invent the sex shop – With fun, love and passion” and my philosophy is still on the website as it was written back then. From that first day in June 1998 it has been one hell of a ride and it has always been full of fun, love and passion.
PhilosophyIt was only after years of contemplation and lively discussion on the nature of sex and society that Passionfruit The Sensuality Shop finally opened its doors in June 1998. It began when I started to question why a foray into a sex shop or a desire to more openly explore sexuality made me feel so downright devious. If sex was so good, why were sex shops so bad? After all, sex is the most universal of acts, and most importantly, an act that in its purest form, is an expression of love. I began asking myself more questions and what I discovered and learned along the way shaped the principles and philosophy of PASSIONFRUIT.
Michelle Temminghoff founded Passionfruit in 1998
First and foremost, a healthy attitude to sex can only have positive effects. Physically, pleasure improves circulation and increases energy. The emotional effects include greater self-esteem, increased self-confidence, and a generally sharper mind. Spiritually, pleasure enhances appreciation of our blessings and contributes to a brighter outlook. When we feel positive about our sexuality and our selves in general, we can contribute to a more nourishing society.
Although we might feel confident about sexuality within ourselves, our outward expression of it has become distorted. Religion, modern culture and censorship have all played a part in this distortion. Christianity taught us to separate body from soul, to deprive our bodies of pleasure. Abstinence was pure and sex considered a tool for reproduction only. When we’re taught to divorce sex from emotion and soul, we separate it from love also. The result is a corrupted expression of our natural sexual self.
This separation of sex and self has become evident in the way it is portrayed in the media and the marketplace. Sex has become a commodity – a thing outside of ourselves – used to creatively sell cars and ice-creams, but never for the purpose of sex in its own right. Selling vibrators, condoms or lubricants is a no-no. Traditional sex shops perfectly reflect this disparity of sex and soul. They rarely market sexuality in a way that hints of emotion, intellect, humor or love.
For many women and those who identify as women, the disabled, the senior, the shy and the queer (just to name a few), the overwhelming expanse of explicit videos and magazines is confronting and non-arousing. If walking into a sex shop inhibits our sexuality rather than expanding it, then the effects can only be negative. Diminishing our capacity for pleasure, love and well-being ensures a less vibrant, compassionate and inquisitive society.
We’re so used to seeing sex objectified that we don’t really expect anything more of our adult stores. We haven’t openly embraced the creative force that is inherent in sexuality or expressed it in a marketable way. When we do object to the darker or more shallow expressions of sexuality, we seek to censor and ban, resulting in a further distortion of truth. Porno’s fine, its just not all there is.
Passionfruit The Sensuality Shop has grown from a need to understand the nature of sex in our culture and a desire to express it more truthfully. I wanted a shop that would have me feeling so delicious that the thought of trying new things would be exciting rather than devious. I wanted a sex shop that would uplift, inspire and assure me. When we feel confident within ourselves, we become a part of a greater whole.
These thoughts underlie the purpose and direction of Passionfruit and have become the basis of our philosophy.
“Our mission is to reinvent the sex shop and enrich our sexual culture with fun, love and passion”
History
One day when one of my most outrageous friends lamented about having to go into “one of THOSE shops” to get herself a new vibrator, I thought, “Well if she can’t go into one, what hope have the rest of us girls got”?
I began talking to more and more women and found an overwhelming interest in sexual and sensual products but an underwhelming response to the shops that sold them. What an odd society we must be, I thought, if we can use sex to sell everything from cars to ice-creams, but when it comes to selling sex itself, we put up black windows, flash neon lights and get relegated to the Industrial Zone!
I was getting depressed and thinking of moving to Brazil. But the more I thought about it, the more my anger and passion rose. I felt it was about time we all – men, women, trans, queer, gay, straight, young, old, abled, disabled – ALL OF US – celebrated our sensual and sexual selves in a more succulent, wild, passionate and natural way.
About UsPassionfruit The Sensuality Shop embraces sensuality, empowering and connecting us to our most intimate, creative and sensual selves. Our Sensuality Boutique offers a luxurious range of products to enhance sexuality within a beautiful and positive environment.
We offer professional and discreet service where your care, health and well being are our priority. All our personal products are of the highest quality and we endeavour to stock only a certified organic, allergy free range. At Passionfruit, you can shop in a boutique environment with a select and extensive collection of quality and range to browse.
Our Products
Passionfruit’s premium selection includes lingerie and hosiery for the boudoir, catering to all shapes from the most petite to the most voluptuous. Luxury labels include Hopeless Lingerie, Bordelle, Something Wicked, La Fille d’O, SJLingerie, Marlies Dekkers, KissKill, Fraulein Kink, Only Hearts, Mimi Holliday, Ludique, Creepyyeha, Erica M NYC, Chromat and Vex Latex.
Our BDSM accessories include the finest silk and velvet blindfolds as well as the most decadent leather paddles and floggers. Passionfruit’s lubricants, oils, body chocolates and powders are of the most divine certified quality because we aim to treat our customers to the very best.
We stock a carefully selected range of adult toys including JimmyJane, Fun Factory, JeJoue, L’Amourose, We-Vibe, NJoy, Tenga and Tantus. Our products are chosen to help all of us connect, bond and elevate our lives and relationships.
At Passionfruit, we work within our community. We support and work with sexual health services, health professionals and related community groups around Melbourne. Your health, well being and and the quality of your relationships with yourself and others are our priority. We can provide you with the right information, whether it is regarding sexuality, health, workshops or services.
I am currently on a Conference Call listening to this as a New Opportunity for Disabilities – Which sounds really good for people who are disabled and could require assistance with perhaps going to the shops for shopping or perhaps help around the house.
This DOES NOT EFFECT their Allowance via the Government so this is separate from their payment so don’t be worried about this part of this new process.
However, here is my quarm about this NEW process – apparently if your child or teenager or even a young adult has AUTISM, apparently this is NOT considered as Disabled ENOUGH!!!!
NOT GOOD ENOUGH …… NOT GOOD ENOUGH.. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND THAT IS MY BIT TO THIS GOVERNMENT THAT NEEDS A GOOD SHOVE IN THE AREAS OF HELPING.. families with disability…… Shocked and horrorified..
Autism can still get Austudy.. which means they get little each fortnight.. not enough to live on if their families die (sorry to say)
I find this NOT good enough .. NOT good Enough!!!!
What is the NDIS?
The National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) is the new way of providing support for people with disability, their families and carers in Australia.
The NDIS will provide about 460,000 Australians under the age of 65 with a permanent and significant disability with the reasonable and necessary supports they need to live an ordinary life.
Reasonable and necessary supports help people with disability achieve their goals, including independence, community involvement, employment and wellbeing.
Supports may include personal care and support, access to the community, therapy services and essential equipment.
The NDIS also provides people with disability, their families and carers with information and referrals to existing support services in the community.
The roll out of the NDIS began on 1 July 2016 and is being introduced in stages around the country over the next three years to ensure it is successful and sustainable.
We understand that everyone’s needs, preferences and aspirations are different. We provide a range of personalised services and supports to help people with disability, their families and carers connect with their community and live an ordinary life.
If you are a person with disability and you meet the access requirements you can become a participant in the scheme.
Information and referral
For many people with disability, support starts with having easier access to information. This means knowing where to find out about supports and how to tap into supports already available in the community.
Anyone with or affected by disability can approach us for advice, information and referral services, including families and carers. We provide:
easier and better access to information about the most effective support options
referral to relevant disability, mainstream, crisis intervention and community services and supports
help to build individual capacity through support such as diagnosis advice, peer support and skills development
links to local support groups, clubs, associations, initiatives or programs.
An example of how we might provide information and referral support is Mario’s story.
Support to access community services and activities
Some people may need support to access available supports or join in local community activities such as social, study, sporting or other interests. Our local area coordinators can help make these connections.
An example of how we might provide support to access community services is Kim’s story.
Individualised plans and supports
If you are eligible, we work with you to develop your individualised plan. You can receive assistance through the planning process.
Goals and aspirations – Your plan is based on your goals and aspirations, now and for the future. It also covers your functional support needs for daily living and participation, the support you need to pursue your goals, and how you want to manage your plan overtime.
Lifetime commitment – Importantly, we provide a lifetime commitment to supports for the people who need it the most, that is people with a permanent and significant disability who need help with everyday life. In providing these supports, we recognise that support needs may change over a lifetime.
Families and carers – We understand the critical importance of the support provided by families and carers, and also work with them as part of the planning to make sure their valuable role can be sustained. For more information, see Families and carers.
Managing your plan – You decide how you want to manage your plan. For example, you may choose to manage it yourself, nominate someone to help you or ask us to manage all or part of your plan on your behalf. We provide information to help you make these choices.
An example of how we might provide a personal plan and supports over a lifetime is Sarah’s story.
Early intervention
We recognise the importance of early intervention, and support people when there is good evidence that this will improve an area of functioning, or delay or lessen a decline in functioning.
An example of how we might provide early intervention support is Hussein’s story.
Funded supports
Depending on your goals, aspirations, needs and informal supports, your approved plan may include funded supports. You can choose support providers, how this support is delivered and how much control you want in managing your plan.
This could involve choosing support providers, including existing or new disability, community and mainstream supports, to supplement the informal support provided by family, friends and other carers.
Support may be one–off, such as to buy a new wheelchair or communication device. We can make sure support happens, when it’s needed. An example of how we might provide funded supports is Don’s story.
Assistive Technology
Assistive technology, as defined by the World Health Organisation, is ‘any device or system that allows individuals to perform tasks they would otherwise be unable to do or increases the ease and safety with which tasks can be performed’.
If you have a disability that is likely to be permanent and significant you can receive funding from the NDIS. The NDIS funds reasonable and necessary supports to help you reach your goals and aspirations, and take part in activities to increase your social and economic participation.
Some examples of Assistive Technology that an NDIS participant may be eligible to receive funding for includes (but is not limited to):
a mobility cane,
nonslip bathmat,
non-electronic magnifiers,
talking watch,
long-handled or adapted grip equipment,
shower stool/chair,
bath seat,
over-toilet frame,
video magnifier,
bed rails,
wheelchair,
hoist,
hearing aids, and
many more.
Assistive Technology under the NDIS does not include:
items for treatment or rehabilitation
built environment that is used by the public – for example, ramps, pathways and lifts
mainstream technology that does not overcome a functional limitation but modifications to this technology could be Assistive Technology – for example, a car would not be AT, but modifications to the car could be AT
something that does not include a device – for example, medicine or training
Auslan
The NDIS provides funding for support for participants with hearing loss and use of Auslan to access interpreting and translation services in activities of daily life. The Scheme provides choice and control for participants over how they use those services. This can include the provision of Auslan interpreting for medical appointments. Auslan users cannot access both the NDIS and the National Auslan Booking and Payment System (NABS) – once a NABS client joins the NDIS, their interpreting needs will be covered as part of their plan. Participants can choose the provider they prefer, including Wesley Mission Brisbane, which delivers the Commonwealth’s NABS. People can continue to use the NABS until their NDIS plan is in place. The NABS remains funded to deliver a full range of Auslan interpreting services at medical appointments until clients move into the NDIS. The NDIA is working hard to ensure NDIS plans include appropriate allocations for interpreting and translation supports. The NDIA is developing a fact sheet and has commissioned work to translate key videos about the NDIS into Auslan.
Housing
Housing is an important issue for the National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS). Affordable, stable housing is needed to support people with disability in achieving their life goals and aspirations. The NDIS will provide ongoing supports for daily living but has not been designed to take responsibility for the housing needs of participants. The NDIA recognises that housing policy is a matter for governments.
The NDIS (delivered by the NDIA) is currently available in the following Western Australia Local Government Authorities (LGAs):
Mundaring, Kalamunda and Swan in the Perth Hills region
Bassendean and Bayswater, and
Toodyay, Chittering, Northam and York.
People living in these LGAs who would like to find out if they are eligible for the NDIS can make an access request by phoning 1800 800 110 or by visiting the NDIA’s Midland office.
The NDIS (delivered by the WA State Government – known as WA NDIS and formerly known as My Way) is currently available in the following Western Australian LGAs:
Ashburton, Broome, Derby-West Kimberley, East Pilbara, Halls Creek, Port Hedland, Wyndham-East Kimberley and Karratha
Mandurah and Rockingham
Augusta-Margaret River, Boyup Brook, Bridgetown-Greenbushes, Busselton, Donnybrook-Balingup, Manjimup, Nannup, Cockburn, Kwinana, Armadale, Murray and Serpentine-Jarrahdale
How will the NDIS roll out in Western Australia?
People already taking part in the WA NDIS will transfer to the nationally delivered Scheme in a phased approach from April 2018. The transfer of people from the WA NDIS will conclude by December 2018.
People transferring from the WA NDIS to the nationally delivered scheme will be contacted by the Western Australian Government to advise them of the next steps they need to take. Information about the transfer process will be added to this page and the NDIS Western Australia – Questions and answersover the coming months.
From 1 July 2018, the National Disability Insurance Agency will assume responsibility for the delivery of the NDIS in WA. The NDIS will continue to roll out on a geographic basis and will be fully rolled out across Western Australia by 2020.
From 1 July 2018, the nationally-delivered NDIS will begin to be available to new participants in the Wheatbelt and Central South Metro regions.
From 1 October 2018, the nationally-delivered NDIS will begin to be available in the Goldfields-Esperance, North Metro regions and to new participants in the South West region.
From 1 July 2019, the nationally-delivered NDIS will begin to be available in the Midwest Gascoyne, Great Southern, Central North Metro and South East Metro regions.
From 1 July 2020, the nationally-delivered NDIS will begin to be available in Christmas Island and the Cocos (Keeling) Islands.
People currently receiving disability services from the Western Australian Government or other Commonwealth programs will transition to the NDIS at different times, depending on where they live the type of support they are receiving. The NDIA will contact people currently receiving disability services when it is their time to transition.
Existing Commonwealth and State based supports will continue until you are covered by the NDIS.
All people currently receiving disability support from the Western Australian Government will transition to the NDIS by July 2020.
By 2023, all eligible people across Western Australia will be able to join the nationally-delivered Scheme.
The Central North Metro region covers the local government areas of Cambridge, Claremont, Cottesloe, Mosman Park, Nedlands, Peppermint Grove, Perth, Stirling, Subiaco and Vincent.
Central South Metro
The Central South Metro region covers the local government areas of Cockburn, East Fremantle, Fremantle, Kwinana, Melville and South Perth.
North Metro
The North Metro region covers the local government areas of Joondalup and Wanneroo.
South East Metro
The South East Metro region covers the local government areas of Belmont, Canning, Gosnells and Victoria Park.
The Goldfields-Esperance region covers the local government areas of Coolgardie, Dundas, Esperance, Kalgoorlie-Boulder, Laverton, Leonora, Menzies, Ngaanyatjarraku and Ravensthorpe.
Great Southern
The Great Southern region covers the local government areas of Albany, Broomehill-Tambellup, Cranbrook, Denmark, Gnowangerup, Jerramungup, Katanning, Kent, Kojonup, Plantagenet and Woodanilling.
Midwest-Gascoyne
The Midwest-Gascoyne region covers the local government areas of Carnamah, Carnarvon, Chapman Valley, Coorow, Cue, Exmouth, Greater Geraldton, Irwin, Meekatharra, Mingenew, Morawa, Mount Magnet, Mullewa, Murchison, Northampton, Perenjori, Sandstone, Shark Bay, Three Springs, Upper Gascoyne, Wiluna and Yalgoo.
South West
The South West region covers the local government areas of Augusta-Margaret River, Boyup Brook, Bridgetown-Greenbushes, Bunbury, Busselton, Capel, Collie, Dardanup, Donnybrook-Balingup, Harvey, Manjimup, Nannup and Waroona.
Wheatbelt
The Wheatbelt region covers the local government areas Beverley, Boddington, Brookton, Bruce Rock, Chittering, Corrigin, Cuballing, Cunderdin, Dalwallinu, Dandaragan, Dowerin, Dumbleyung, Gingin, Goomalling, Kellerberrin, Kulin, Kondinin Koorda, Lake Grace, Merredin, Moora, Mount Marshall, Mukinbudin, Narembeen, Narrogin, Northam, Nungarin, Pingelly, Quairading, Tammin, Toodyay Trayning, Victoria Plains, Wagin, Wandering, West Arthur, Westonia, Wickepin, Williams, Wongan-Ballidu, Wyalkatchem, Yilgarn and York.
Getting started
For people with disability, their families and carers, the My NDIS Pathway page is the best starting point for information about the NDIS, how to access the NDIS and about the planning process.
For service providers who have not already registered with the NDIS the Provider Toolkit is a user-friendly online tool that takes providers through the seven steps of the Provider Pathway and includes step-by-step guides, videos, FAQs and interactive e-learning activities.
His beanie or hat hoards a mass of dreadlocks; his beard is a mixture of silver and blonde hairs.
Magnus Walker is not what you’d call a typical-looking Porsche enthusiast. Sit him outside Kings Cross, and you’d be excused for handing him your spare change.
Yet the self-proclaimed Urban Outlaw has shot to fame as one of the world’s most prolific Porsche collectors and something of an underground hero for anti-establishment tuning of vintage Porsche products.
So how exactly does a scruffy lad from Sheffield wind up nestled in Los Angeles as an aficionado of Stuttgart’s finest?
The story begins back in 1977. England was an exciting place to be as a young ‘un – the Sex Pistols kicked off the punk rock movement, and a little film called Star Wars was about to spawn a whole generation of geeks.
But, for Magnus, aged 10 years old, 1977 signalled a very different kind of obsession. “It was the Earl’s Court motor show,” he explains in his strange amalgam of US twang and Yorkshire vowels.
“I travelled there with my dad, and as we reached the Porsche stand, I laid eyes on a 911 painted in Martini red and blue stripes.
The engine plaque read turbo, the spoiler was as tall as my head. I knew right then the Porsche 911 was my dream car.”
So, here is my views on why I do alot of posting… and here it is..
So, the motto to this story is simple… when I have millions and you all are sitting there wondering what the hell she is doing.. let me give you the hot tip.. everything happens when you least expect it to happen…
So, ladies and gents.. we all do things, we all look odd, sound weird and even to the point when we least expect it.. I am not saying I will be a millionaire fat chance.. but, inner peace is within and someone that wants to help you.. never tell them NO… because that to me is a rarety… indeed.. and NO Money in the world will ever replace human compassion, love and need to help others..
Why would you EVER walk passed a child that is HOMELESS, I feel so selfish sometimes when I think about my past..
I think it is because when I see a child that requires help like this video I always, always think about my OWN NEEDS… which reflects to my SON’S NEEDS..
This gets me upset.. mainly because I know deep down that my own Story always comes up… I wonder what that means????
So, perhaps even though I am going on a Tangent… right now… let’s address this…. However, Let’s NOT.. just yet…..
Not yet…….. My own story will be said ONCE I define what My own story is.. but, for now.. I am learning with you ALL… so let’s begin to learn something that will HELP, each other Learn…
I want you too meet LIZZIE, so lovely and so humble… and so damn well BEAUTIFUL!!!
My husband Courtney, told me about Maslow and his theory of NEEDS he say this:
What does this mean for our mental and emotional wellness?
If we accept the premise that each of us is equipped to meet our inherent needs, we can begin to apply a problem-solving mentality to the struggles we all face.
Think about it: According to Maslow, if you’re dealing with a condition such as depression, anxiety, or addiction, it’s because one of your fundamental needs is not being met.
So, solving these problems starts with identifying which of your needs are not being met. We’ll dig into each of these needs in a bit, but these are the nine emotional needs we’re talking about: security, volition, attention, emotional connection, connection to the community, privacy, a sense of status, a sense of achievement, and meaning.
For instance, if someone is depressed after losing their job, it may be because they have lost status, autonomy, and possibly connection toothers.
These are vital emotional needs, which no amount of “talking it out”will restore.
Meeting these needs is the most effective route back to good mental health. The Human Givens Institute says that mental health struggles are inevitable if these needs are not met, and mental wellness is inevitable if they are.
This is an exciting development in the field of personal development because it empowers us to make ourselves happy.
We can look at the imbalances in our jobs, relationships, and environments from a unique perspective.
Instead of thinking there is something “wrong” with us, we can be solution-focused and ask,
“What emotional needs are not being met?”
In order to determine whether your emotional needs are being met, you need to understand what each of these needs really comprises.
Here’s a brief summary of each:
1. Security:
We need a safe place—an environment that enables us to lead our lives without experiencing undue fear and that allows us to develop our potential.
2. Volition:
In order to feel fulfilled, we need to feel like we have the power to exist autonomously and direct our own lives.
3. Attention:
We need to receive attention from others we care about and also give them attention in return.
4. Emotional connection:
To be emotionally fulfilled, we need to feel connected to other people. We need to experience friendship, love, and intimacy.
5. Connection to the wider community:
We are social creatures, and our brain is a social organ. We need to feel connected to something greater than ourselves.
6. Privacy:
Mental and emotional well-being require that we have time and space enough to reflect on and learn from our experiences.
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7. A sense of status:
It’s not enough to have a group. We need to have a sense of our value within the group dynamics we’re part of.
8. A sense of achievement:
In order to maintain our self-esteem, we need to have a sense that we are accomplishing things of value.
9. Meaning:
In the same vein of feeling that we’re accomplishing things of value, we all need to have the sense that we’re part of something greater than ourselves, having a coherent set of beliefs about life and what’s it all for.
Which of your emotional needs could use some TLC?
It’s time to do an emotional needs audit on your life.
Look at the needs above. On a scale of 1 to 7, how well do you feel you are meeting each one?
If you score 3 or under, that need isn’t being sufficiently met.
This might result in feelings ranging from a bad mood to stress, anxiety, or a feeling that something’s just “off.”
This is normal: It’s your brain telling you something is wrong. It’s just a sign that one or two of your emotional needs are due for a little nourishing. Remember, we all have the innate resources to meet our needs. For example, we have the ability to build a rapport with others, to empathize, to connect with people; we have the imagination required to plan and we have a rational mind. We just need to take some intelligent action.
Here’s how to start meeting each of these needs more effectively:
1. Security:
If you find your need for security isn’t being fully met, make a list of things in your environment that make you feel insecure, then identify action steps you can take to change that. Perhaps you would feel more secure if you equipped your home with burglar alarms and new locks or set up a neighborhood watch group.
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2. Volition:
Have a frank conversation with your boss or partner or family about where you need to have more control or clearer boundaries. It’s time to be lovingly assertive about this.
3. Attention:
Prioritize quality time with your partner and friends. Set aside time for it in your calendar. Just because we have friends or partners doesn’t mean we are meeting their needs for attention or that they are meeting ours. It takes effort.
4. Emotional connection:
Make it a priority to make friends. Where do the kinds of people you want to bond with hang out? Hunt them down in clubs, forums, introduction agencies. Make time for it. This is essential emotional nourishment.
5. Connection to the wider community:
Arrange a regular coffee get-together in your home. Can you mentor someone in your field or do volunteer work for people less fortunate than yourself? Can you check in on an elderly neighbor?
6. Privacy:
Block out half an hour a day, just for you. Have a long bath or take a walk to digest the events of the day and mentally rehearse for what’s coming up. More sensitive people often require more time to fully digest the stimulation (or overstimulation) of the modern world.
7. A sense of status:
Can you gain a special position in the organization you belong to? Can you be the go-to guy for specific information or specialize in an area of your profession? Perhaps you can be the captain of a quiz or sports team.
8. A sense of our own competence and achievements:
Make a list of all your achievements—awards, qualifications, languages, promotions, giving up smoking, losing weight, or even all the rough periods you’ve survived. You must have skills and strengths that got you through those periods. Remind yourself regularly of these. What more can you achieve? What new goals can you set?
9. Meaning:
You can find meaning in starting a family, supporting a cause, finding a philosophy/belief system or a political ideology that resonates with you.
Somebody once said that the greatest thing about life is that it is meaningless—which gives you the huge opportunity to give it any meaning you want.
If you find yourself feeling apathetic, existentially confused, like nothing has any point, focus on the little things—to see the world in a grain of sand.
These moments are as meaningful as you want them to be.
The pleasure of sipping tea; breathing fresh air; walking and living on a beautiful planet—drink in those moments and let them nourish your soul.
As humans, we seek emotional nourishment as much as food and water. It is your birthright to be emotionally nourished. Instead of pointing the finger at our upbringing or spending hours analyzing our every quirk, we can now ask a more valid question:
Which of my emotional needs am I not meeting?
Once you meet these needs in balance, you realize there is nothing wrong with you and that the journey to meeting these needs and helping others to meet theirs in your relationships, occupations, and communities can itself be very fulfilling.
Not everything above was written by me… see link below:
Communication can come into conflict when needs are unfulfilled we tend to feel like we are on a isolated Island and no-one seems to care or want us around them. Unmet needs can lead to feelings that we consider negative like:
anger,
confusion,
disappointment,
frustration,
hopelessness,
irritation,
sadness,
loneliness and even embarrassment
And many, many other emotions feelings that we are experience in our lives it is a need that requires to be forfilled within ourselves.
Now don’t get me wron there are alot of people who DONT require that loving feeling that seems to be lacking in some peoples lives and they can exisit fine without this however, really this isnt true we end up with the same result.
anger,
confusion,
disappointment,
frustration,
hopelessness,
irritation,
sadness,
loneliness and even embarrassment
So, sometimes we look for other area’s of our lives to forfill them which can lead to us sleeping around, finding someone else that will or could possibly forfill them or even we tend to make work our priority instead of those who love us but, find it difficult to express their feelings towards us.
We are only human and we must understand we have human needs which is to be loved, cared about, someone that we can turn to and express our feelings, emotions and yes even have sex with…
Many of us forget that we are not ANIMALS we are actually HUMAN beings that want love, we want someone to care about us and we live for others that just understand us..
People think these feelings above are negitives within a human being it really isnt we are nurturing, beautiful idividuals and we want others to like us especially our other halves or those that we are fond of..
I could talk about this subject all day… which I might actually because even I need to remember this that my needs are important and so are those we love.
Appologies, to those that I love I feel sometimes I am just starting my life again and I am just beginning to understand how to walk… so thank you for opening up my eyes.. and I will try my upmost hardest to remember my NEEDS and YOUR NEEDS.
I will devise my own shape, form, and funniness of weekly horror scopes….
In the next few weeks I will look up to the Angels and then Down to the Devils and devise my own hand with the Horror Scope of “Frannies Horror Scoopes”
So stay tuned… if any of you know of any funny websites that may help me devise a new aged way of looking into this UNIVERSE let me know by sending me comments…
So, what do you want Mystic Franny to find out for you?
Send me a comment or your question with your star sign and date of birth year… and of course name… or name you wish to use.. with your question….
Could not help myself… just wondering if I am annoying or being ignored??
So I did some research on reasons why I am getting ignored.. or oops I should say why people are ignoring me.. I mean you know what I mean..hehehe
You know what they say… TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT!!
Hehehehehe
As a psychiatrist I find that one of the commonest reasons for patients to have depression and anxiety is being ignored by someone important in their life.
The silent treatment or cold shoulder as its more popularly is when someone stops talking, starts ignoring and avoids social interactions with you.
Its one of the most ancient forms of psychological techniques used to express discontent against someone not listening or full-filling your expectations.
One of the most common uses of the same is a parent ignoring a naughty kid.
In modern day, it has transformed from a simple psychological technique to a form of “psychological manipulation”.
Why is Silent treatment so important?
The success and happiness of most human being depends on society. How they are treated by their parents, spouses, relatives, friends, boss, fellow employees, etc.
The more importance a particular relationship has, the more the power of the silent treatment.
For example – when the ambani brothers were giving each other a cold shoulder during social gatherings it became instant national news.
Or
Actors who dislike each other, decide to ignore the presence of the other.
Why is silent treatment done?
Why do people tend to ignore others –
a. its a way to hurt other person without indulging in aggressive behavior. b. one gets an excuse to avoid caring, respect or value of the other person. c. Sensitive personalities are easily hurt and its the worst form of emotional abuse they are subjected to.. it instantly shows in their behavior. d. The perpetrator can easily see the depression, restlessness, anger and low self-esteem it causes in the victim.
How to Dealing with it?
From my personal experience of counseling patients regarding how to deal with silent treatment, here are few tips
Initial reaction – the initial reaction of most people is frustration, anger, gossip, spreading bad words about the perpetrator.
This eventually leads the mind into a state of negativity, and creates an ego battle that cannot be resolved soon.
First step is too cool yourself.
Don’t try to read the mind of the perpetrator – don’t spend hours thinking why it is happening.
If you know the cause, then its great.
If you don’t know the cause, then keep quiet.
Don’t give the silent treatment back.
Lower your ego – in this ego game, people spend years not talking to each other. Its not worth it. Its not about who won or who lost.
Be the first to extend you arm – ask why is the other person behaving in such a way with you.
– tell them you care about them, and if they want some space of their own.. you will be more than happy to give to them.
– tell them that all communication lines are open with you, and encourage them to talk to you.
– if they still don’t want to talk to you – then accept that they are being childish.
– try and let go as best as you can.
Focus the least you can on him/her.
I see……. okay I will… when they decide to stop ignoring me… I care… . however, oh never mind.. keep on ignorning me.. I am better at this GAME…
See what occurrs childish games… go and listen to the bloody music.. dumb ass
MIND MANTRA – IGNORING SOMEONE IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL GAME- if you stop playing your part of the game by not focusing on him/her and not getting angry, you might not be able to change their behavior, but you can detach yourself from the negative effects of the same.
written by –
Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
Watch the dynamic blue ocean waves on your ceiling and walls. The Ocean Night Light Projector gives you the best relaxing feeling while also plays your favorite songs for a cozy night!
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Creates a relaxing, comforting, soothing feeling and helps to sleep
Auto shuts down after 1 hour
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Feeling a little low so I did my Angel cards and came up with these cards
I asked if I am loved?
Perhaps what I am asking is “what does it feel like”?
The reason I ask this question is because it’s a question that I have struggled with for many reasons.. I have struggled with it because I have not really believed that I could be loved or that I could understand it..
To many of you that might sound strange but for me it’s not strange it’s something that I lack deep inside of what that actually truly feels like.
Love is the ultimate emotion that we all must experience when i say i love you i truly mean those words..
But i now am more driven to discovering exactually what that beautiful emotional word of expression really is for me!!!
I tend to go onto my facebook page and I then write my emotions, feelings, ups, downs and sideways.. I express it out loud because something my tiny brain holds so many emotions that it can be a little busy upstairs and at times my brain gets rattled and it feels like … someone has picked me up and shook me so harshly that I get very upset with so much confusion on what is deeply inside me..
Sounds very shangrilar.. but, perhaps that is just how I am wired ?
Your comments would be fantastice for my own clarity about who and why I am here on this beautiful Island in the Universe??
One of those silly questions one asks mainly becuause when love is a little distorted by birth then you feel that why we do the things we do in life.. I guess that is mainly why I ask because for me it was a little different growing up..
The love was there I guess but, the kissing, hugs, and I love you’s did lack alot growing up and I feel a little short changed…
Maybe we attract the same kind of people because in our own lives we lacked the love we should have recieved as children.. I really don’t mean to sound stupid in saying it like this but, I guess I feel like I ask this question because I feel like I missed out a bit.
Anyway, not to worry, some of us meaning me tend to ask these questions later in life gees.. at least I am not 80 years old.. only 50 next month..
Thank you and I would really love you to comment …. thanks again..
My beautiful man who listens to my sob stories, hears me winging about stupid stuff that does not exisit anymore!!
Who supports my crazy ass, who at times only thinks of herself..(trying my best not too) I trully am grateful for you for everything we do together..
I want to tell you this..
I am grateful for your love, support, honesty, loyality, sexual aura that I cannot get enough of..
I want you to know that you are my Everything and Anything that I hold dear to my heart and soul!
I want you to know that I will be your loving and loyal wife that I love being and I hold so dear to my heart
I want you to know that you before anyone in my life you are the “only one” that I truly care and love why?
Because you are Sexy, hot, imaginative, you allow me to think, feel and be whoever we Want to be together and as a person.
You are a Unique and Gorgeous soul and I will always have your back forever going forward (unless you hit me with a brick then I may not be that happy – unless I deserve it lol)
When I look at you I see a man that is loyal to his true friends, family and those he loves and I applaud your capasitiy of how you do this with each person you meet. Your mind amazes me and I am in the company of a man that has a vision beyond anyone that I have ever met in my entire life.
The energy forse within you is astounding and without a doubt you astound the hell out of me of the chosen and not so chosen words you use, I love your humour (some people probably would cringe however, I adore his sense of Monte Python is his Forse within)
Well, I will tell you why, you my have been by my side for over 20 years this year in fact we have gone through the worst and the best and I thank you with every emotional part of my being. I have never met such a beautiful, kind, generous, soul like your’s and I am so privledged to be your wife.
I want you to know even when I speak about my past it’s nothing compared to my present with you the last 2 years you have shown me compassion, love, growth beyond I could ever could ever imagine and I truly love and are devoted to you.
I am not the best person in this world and I have to pinch myself that you chose me (although at times I must admit I trully have to say your CRAZY to be with me, but, I am so thankful for you that you are with me)
Now I will talk about how I will try and be the best I can be walking forward in this life…
Sometimes us ladies don’t give our BIG GUYS credit enough we tend to discount them and think.. well they know we love them.. however, as I just realised then that they don’t hear us say it enough!!
I love you dearly Courtney,
I love your Energy, humour, your amazing aura of strength and I applaud your kindness and I thank you with every inch of my soul that we are sharing our life together as husband and wife!
So, ladies, tell your husband that he’s hot, sexy, beautiful and amazing everyday, even those days that we think the opposite because men most men are trully beautiful souls for being our mates in life… Soul mates come in many shapes and forms and reasons and there are many couples, singles and we must be humble and thankful that we have them..
I love you today, tomorrow and forever,
Your wife that can be a little crazy, selfish, critical, insain, that tends to blame you for everthing however, I will stop being so negitive and start being more proactive and supporting towards your needs and feelings…
Please note we all do this to our loved ones… even when we think we don’t we do..
Love your wife.. Franny xxxx
However, Karma can be and will always be a needle in your foot… becareful what you do in life as you could possibly stand on a tack … teach ya for being an ASS
People often think rapists are sketchy guys popping out from dark alleys to violently force themselves upon victims. Statistics tell a different story. More often, it’s someone the victim knows very well ― a coworker, a boyfriend, a husband, a friend ― taking advantage of someone in a vulnerable moment.
During an interview on Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations podcast, actress and comedian Amy Schumer, who made her name as a deeply personal stand-up comic, revealed to Oprah Winfrey that a former boyfriend sexually assaulted her in her sleep. It was Schumer’s first time having sex, and for years she wasn’t quite sure how to classify the experience.
Initially, Schumer said, she used the term “grape” (short for “gray-area rape”) on stage as a way to discuss a troubling, all-too-common phenomenon. “When that happens to you, you say, ‘OK, well, this isn’t someone I want to see rotting in a jail cell, but what he did to me was wrong, and I didn’t consent,’” Schumer told Oprah. “For me, I lost my virginity while I was asleep, and that’s not OK.”
Oprah pointed out that victims often feel conflicted after being assaulted by someone they care about because the perpetrator seems to show remorse, in turn making the victim feel bad. “He was my boyfriend. I loved him. I had to comfort him,” Schumer explained. However, she added, “I also felt really angry.”
The anger never went away, but Schumer said she didn’t feel comfortable expressing it. “As women, we’re really trained not to get angry because that makes people dismiss you right away,” Schumer said. “There’s sort of no place for that anger.”
Schumer no longer feels the term “gray-area” accurately describes her then-boyfriend’s betrayal. “I feel like I lost my virginity through rape,” Schumer said. “I didn’t consent. We hadn’t discussed it. We weren’t there in our relationship.”
Unfortunately, this seems to be okay in some mindsets.. Well, It isnt in fact I have a friend who wasnt a virgin when this occurred and the same thing happened to her..
And me too.. so Ladies what some people think is okay isn’t be mindful to others that are going through a tough time.. we tend to become complacent and unfortunately we also become with time numb…due to our own experiences in our live time..
So, please help others to do the right thing for them…
If you wish to speak to someone that the same thing happened to you please call beyond blue on https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ or call 1300 22 4636 or call you local police if in Australia 000
I did not write this piece found it on huffing post…
Before I start this I am using my name and my husbands name in some senario’s cuz atm… I am a little upset with my husband for yelling at me to get a point across which he didnt have to do…
If a point needs to be communicated you are best to NOT use Volume to tell it.. so let me begin… gritted teeth and all…..
“Woooosa…. Calm… myself… think of happy places…. ok let us begin..”
In cognitive therapy we focus on the way that you think about things. (which is one of many that I am studying)
When we are distressed, we have automatic thoughts — that is, thoughts that come to us spontaneously, seem true and generally go unexamined. (at this present time while I type this in a positive frame)
Sometimes your thoughts are accurate and sometimes they are biased.
But the first thing to do is to identify what you are thinking.
Look at the list of typical thoughts that distressed couples have and ask yourself if any of these are true for you.
You can also consider alternative ways to view what is going on — as I suggest below.
Sometimes we get stuck in the way we think and then withdraw, attack or give up.
The first question to ask is, “Is there a different way to think about this?”
Labeling
You attribute a negative personality trait to your partner, leading you to believe that he or she can never change:
“He’s passive-aggressive” twit head and I wish he would go for a flying leap!!
“She’s neurotic,crazy, fcukwit (hate that word but, yes we use it towards each other let’s be honest now).”
“Why doesnt he just go away and never return (never say this out loud plus I do not like saying this EVER)
As an alternative, rather than label your partner, you can look for “variability” in his behavior.
“Sometimes he withdraws and sometimes he interacts with me.
Let me ask him what might lead him to withdraw.”
Think about what you say to each other to make each other withdraw… we tend to trigger each other by using sentences that we so, know is either going to hurt, hinder and make sure he or she gets how angry you are when you say them!!!
Right????
Telling someones Future by putting them down.. isnt the answer but, have a glance at this below:
You forecast the future and predict that things will never get better, leaving you feeling helpless and hopeless the below we all USE it be honest…..we say this to each other:
“He’ll never change”;
“I’ll always be unhappy in my marriage.”
See, exactly, it, your behaviour is not tollerated (what does this one sound like????? Seriously, your speaking to each other not a child you are raising)
I told ya so, I knew you would say that remark!
You never have my back, you never support me ever!!
You like him better than me!!
I knew you had the hots for her scrawny ASS
I had a feeling that you are cheating on me and NOW I KNOW!!!!!
An alternative to this is to focus on specific things that you can say or do now — such as the exercises described in this piece.
Another good option is to look back at positive experiences that you have to challenge your idea that nothing will improve.
You can also play a little game called“Catch Your Partner Being Good.” Just list every positive every day and then share it with each other.
So, just in case after the above you forgot those words of positive affimations I will help you hehehe:
Your beautiful baby thank you for getting me the Champas
Did you do that for me, your just lovely,
Simply this, I love you!
Hello Handsome (I love this one)
Your beautiful honey
Thank you sweetheat
You might be surprised what you are doing that is working already — if you only noticed.
What is Mind_her_reading (made that up)
Mindreading is the actual word 🙂
You interpret your partner’s motivations as hostile or selfish on the basis of very little evidence:
“You don’t care how I feel”;
“You’re saying that because you’re trying to get back at me.”
“Why is it that you always hurt my feelings”
“I tell you my pain and you use it against me!!! WHY (I have used that one before)
Rather than engaging in mind-reading, you can ask your partner what he meant or how she is feeling.
Sometimes it’s beneficial to give your partner the benefit of the doubt:
“She’s simply taking a little time to unwind or remove that broom that is shoved up her ass or his ass depending hehehe”is a better interpretation than
“He doesn’t find me interesting, boring, sexy, pretty, intellegent.”
He or she is boring,sexless,etc…
I have lost that loving feeling with her/him
Then all of a sudden the goodlooking male/female neighbour down the street looks better than your own partner (what are you thinking??)
Manic or Conflict Thinking
You treat conflict or problems as if they indicate that the world has ended or that your marriage is a disaster:
“I can’t stand her nagging”
“It’s awful that we haven’t had sex recently.” (both havent, not just one persons fault)
He hates me everyday
She isnt the person I married (heard that before once or twice let me give you the hot tip)
I hate you for calling me my mothers name!!!!! You know how I feel about that women!! (this can be directed to either sex man or women)
A better way of looking at this is that all couples face problems — some of them quite upsetting.
Rather than look at an obstacle or a problem as “terrible,” you might validate that it is difficult for both of you but that it is also an opportunity to learn new skills in communicating and interacting.
Problems can be learning experiences and can provide some new ways to grow.
Emotional Reasoning
You feel depressed and anxious, and you conclude that your emotions indicate that your marriage is a failure.
“We must have a terrible marriage because I’m unhappy”;
“I don’t have the same feelings toward him that I used to; therefore, we’re no longer in love.”
We have grown apart that is why we have separated
She/He doesnt get me.. but, I still love him/her so much
A better way of looking at your emotions is that your feelings may go up and down, depending on what you and your partner are doing.
Emotions are changeable and don’t always tell you about how good things can be. It’s also important to ask yourself,
“What are we doing when we feel better together?” Then do more of those positives.
Negative Filter
You focus on the few negative experiences in your relationship and fail to recognize or recall the positives.
You probably bring up past history in a series of complaints that sounds like you’re putting your partner on trial:
“You were rude to me last week”;
“You talked to that other person and ignored me entirely.”
This is where “Catch Your Partner Doing Good” is so helpful — it allows you to look at things without the dark lens on.
You can also keep a list of positives about your partner to remind you to put the “negatives” in perspective.
We all do dumb things at times, but it’s useful to take off the negative filter and remind ourselves of the positives.
All-or-Nothing Thinking
You describe your interactions as being all good or all bad without examining the possibility that some experiences with your partner are positive:
“You’re never kind toward me”
“You never show affection”
“You’re always negative.”
“It’s always your fault”
Stop Blaming me, it’s not me it’s you
Whenever you use the words “always” and “never,” try assuming that you are wrong.
For example, when Franny began looking for positives from Courtney, she realized that he was affectionate at times and that he was rewarding to her as well.
The best way to test out your distorted and biased negative thinking is to look at the facts.
Maybe the facts aren’t as terrible as they seem to be.
Discounting the Positive – putting doubt within yourself…
You may recognize the positive things in your relationship but disregard them:
“That’s what a wife or husband, couples should do”,
“Well, so what that he did that? It means nothing?”;
“These are trivial things that you’re talking about.”
Every positive should be counted — it’s the only way to build up good will. In fact, if you start counting the positives rather than discounting them, they will no longer seem trivial to both of you.
Courtney, was happy to learn that the very little things that he was doing, like complimenting Franny, made a big difference to her.
This in turn made him less critical. And Courtney began keeping track of Franny positives, which helped him recognize that an occasional negative — which was probably due to depression — was outweighed by the many good things in their relationship.
Best of’s???
You have a list of “commandments”about your relationship (when you’re depressed, upset, angry) or your partner (does also feel the same way at times) for not living up to your “best of’s.”
There is no end to these nagging negative thoughts feelings when we feel this way (we must remember to be mindful of each other)
Examples are:
“My partner should always know what I want without my asking.”
“If my partner doesn’t do what I want her to do, I should punish her.”
“I shouldn’t ever be unhappy (bored, angry, etc.) with my partner.”
“I shouldn’t have to work at a relationship; it should come naturally.”
“I shouldn’t have to wait for change; it should come immediately.”
“My partner should change first.”
“It’s all his fault, so why should I change?”
“If I don’t get my way, I should complain (pout, withdraw, give up, etc.).”
“Our sex life should always be fantastic.”
“If I’m attracted to other people, it means that I shouldn’t stay in this marriage.”
“I should try to win in all our conflicts.”
“My partner should accept me just the way I am.”
“If we’re having problems it means we have an awful relationship.”
Now, be honest with yourself.
Are these “the best ofs” helping or hurting you and your relationship?
I guarantee that if you have a lot of them, you are pretty unhappy.
Rather than talk about the way things “should” be, you might consider how you can make things better.
Replace your shoulds with “how to” and “let’s try.”
Rather than “We should have a better sex life,” (I must admit I say this all the time in my head) you might try action statements such as
“We can give each other a massage” or you can tie me up and spank me if I am bad (joking or am I??)
“We can set up a time to be affectionate.”
You won’t make progress by “doing” on each other. (sounds rather rude it is suppose to be rude god help me)
Personalizing (in case you are lost this means being nice to each other)
You attribute your partner’s moods and behavior to something about yourself, or you take all the blame for the problems:
“He’s in a bad mood because of me”;
“If it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t have any of these problems.”
It’s my fault he is acting like this
I left and wanted out of the marriage!!!
He’s a nice guy, it’s my fault this didn’t work out
I tried and he didn’t try
It’s almost never all about one person REMEMBER THIS ONE!!
it takes two to tango and two to be miserable.
Franny was doing a lot of personalizing, thinking that Courtney wanted to be alone because he found her boring.
But really Courtney was so burned out at the end of the day that he needed a little while to cool down.
It wasn’t about Fran’s THOUGHTS OF NEGITIVE
It was about Courtney’s day, and how it affected him and him alone (nothing to do with me)
Remember ladies and Gents we meaning Men and Women on this wonderful Earth we are different and we do think differently and here is the HOT TIP… if you DONOT communicate this…. then your little silly mind will do it for you… so STOP thinking and start TALKING to each other (rolling the eyes at you including myself..ok, ok)
Perfectionism (using our names in this one)
You hold up a standard for a relationship that is unrealistically high and then measure your relationship by this standard. “It’s not like it was in the first year, so it’s not worth it”; “We have problems, so our relationship can’t work out.”
The problem with perfectionism is that it is bound to make you miserable.
You may think that you are holding up your ideals, but you are really putting you and your partner down.
No relationship is perfect — and no relationship needs to be perfect.
Once Courtney and Franny recognized how futile and depressing perfectionism was, they were able to work constructively on their relationship.
“I realized that we would never have exactly what we wanted from each other, but we could still get a lot our needs met,” Courtney, finally said.
It was a breakthrough to give up on having to be perfect and demanding the same from Franny.
Blaming (my favourate)
You believe that all the problems in the relationship are caused by your partner: “If it weren’t for her, we wouldn’t have these problems”; “He argues with me; that’s why we can’t get along.”
Again, there is a grain of truth in almost any negative thought, but blaming your partner will make you feel helpless and trapped.
A better way of approaching this is to take a “Let’s fix it together”approach.
You can validate each other, share responsibility for the problems, plan to catch each other being good, reward each other, plan positives together, and accept some differences.
It sure beats blaming each other and becoming victims.
Hate that word Victims…. Why did they blame me….. winge moan, winge moan, I am a Nice person….. if you are a nice person guess what…. It is none of your beez wax…
We think we help others but, what we do.. is we give the other person reasons to use what you say in an arguement and then that good news you gave them.. Guess what, they used it and they are now at each others necks with … I hate you ever after crap…
Use nice words, Try and be the best you can be… we are only human so be mindful of each other and BE NICE…
The End Franny xx
I will leave you with my new saying:
I change the World I see by first changing it with me!!
Thank you and please leave a thumbs up or down.. please comment and tell me if you agree or disagree… thank you and may you be happy within yourself first.. and foremost xxx
I like myself because… we tend to tell the world how sad we feel and how bad we feel what we should say is what we are good at and how we really feel about people, ourselves and what we want to bring to our own lives firstly and of course what we want to bring to those who come into our lives.. this is me and I am proud of how I feel..
A wired person… ever heard a person being wired a little different..
Well I guess I am one… My mind is an open book, I have a curious mind , I love deep conversations about how we can change peoples broken minds to make them beautiful again.
We tend to forget how beautiful our spirits are and what we bring to the table of life.. we must love ourselves not in a selfish way but, more in a innerselfless way… so we can give out affimations of love and openess and all those wonderful things that life gave us..
We must give back everything that we want to back.. it’s our birth right to be the best we can by loving oneself and others and helping those love themselves… We are here because life gave us this gift.. don’t waste it lovlies… give it out with an open heart.. and trust me it will come back in other ways… Do something selfless
I love how ppl can grow and be the best they can be I hate seeing ppl sad, unhappy, hurt, broken, alone and many other feelings of sadness and grief.
This is how I am wired I love to help, laugh, hug, kiss, and do the best I can do for others.
This is who I am… I am happy with those I choose… in my life… if u want to be part of it.. open your heart and believe in something good.
Dont try and change yourself be you…that is what i am trying to be…
REAL….THAT IS ME…I cannot be anything other than me take it or leave it… I am not an ANIMAL 😉 hehe
Seriously, be the best damn person you can be…. and tell others who are nasty to go fcuk themselves… nicely but with sassy pants on… (okay perhaps that isn’t kind to say that… beacause at times we can only do the best we can if I didn’t say that then I am not being true to myself…now am I)
We meet good, bad and darn right ugly people who cannot see the tree’s within the beautiful forest and that is because no-one showed them their truth self so what we could do is help them see it.. then it is up to them to open their hearts and minds and see what beautiful gift life is..
If your real then let yourself be you and live it
I am not interested in fake I am not interested in money, nor ppl who have significance within themselves by using others I am only me..
I am only ME
We should tell ourselves about what our best attributes are instead of saying how low we feel about oneself..!
Remember your inner child… and love yourself because if you cannot do a simple thing like that … then how can you get better… or even help others…
‘You could say it’s cheating, but it’s cheating while your partner is in the same room having sex with someone else. So it’s cheating together. It’s a freedom we give each other and that’s very liberating”.
So says the thirtysomething female swinger.
“Watching your girlfriend having sex with someone else gives you an adrenaline rush, it’s very erotic. This might sound odd, but it’s like having a really great car and watching yourself in the mirror as you drive down the street,” so says the swinger’s boyfriend.
“It’s not about showing off what you have, it’s about getting a different perspective on what you have. Swinging gives you a different perspective of your partner, of sex. The sex we have together after a party is great.”
The couple met in New York, have been dating for a year and are currently exploring Ireland’s swinging scene.
He’s a successful 37-year-old businessman with a penthouse apartment in south Dublin and a robust social life.
She’s a good-looking, high-end auctioneer who is so interested in swinging that she’s taken ‘threesome negotiation’ classes in New York.
They talk about high sex drives in the same way that the rest of us talk about high calorie counts, and they consider themselves to be sexually liberated.
Not liberated enough to use their real names in an article, but they say that’s down to the stigma that still exists around swinging Ireland, not their own conservatism.
Swinging — where couples and singles play with or have sex with other people at private parties — is a burgeoning scene in all corners of the country.
It’s still a highly secretive scene, but it’s also now considered by many to be a simple fact of Irish life, a relatively cheap hobby for recessionary times and a common lifestyle choice.
While dinner parties that develop into sex parties are still a major feature, the 1970s suburban custom of throwing your keys into a bowl and pairing off with whoever’s keys you pick — whether you fancy them or not — isn’t.
In particular, women treat swinging parties as they do a day at the races; a special occasion to dress up in their finest or most outrageous heels and lingerie.
These days, aficionados develop networks of swinging friends by going into chatrooms on websites and introducing themselves to other couples or single men and women.
Once they’ve posted photos of themselves (which ideally should show their faces) and have been ‘verified’ as serious about swinging, they start attending ‘meet and greets’ — social preambles that are often held in mainstream hotels in Dublin and are attended by hundreds of people, sometimes in aid of charity.
Next, they’re invited to a small party where other swingers will suss them out. As newbies, they won’t be obliged to join in sex games but are welcome to just wander around and watch.
Parties are held in hotel suites, suburban houses, manor houses, isolated farmhouses, loft apartments or on boats.
‘Destination parties’, which are often held in warehouses in industrial estates on the outskirts of towns, are also a growing trend, with a new dedicated swinging club, The Venue, recently opened in Blanchardstown in Dublin and another two clubs reportedly due to open in the coming months.
For single men, it’s almost impossible to get an invite to a swinger’s party without a female companion.
Single women are always welcome, as are couples.
Many of the women who attend parties will either be bisexual or bi-curious, but straight couples, bisexual couples and couples that are a mixture of straight and bi are among the norm.
Spanking parties are becoming popular and more women are getting into having male slaves, whom they parade at fetish/swinger parties.
“My first ever swinging experience was pretty horrendous,” says businessman Ian (not his real name). “We went to a sweaty club in Manhattan that was full of overweight men and women — you know, the mafia-moll types; all bad skin and too much make-up.
“Ourselves and another couple were jumped on from all sides. We ran out of the place and said to each other afterwards, ‘Did that really just happen?'”
Ian later discovered there were other clubs with stricter entry.
“But then we found the more exclusive clubs, membership-only clubs like Taste Experience, where you’re vetted before you can join and pay a couple of hundred dollars to attend each party.
“The parties are generally quite spectacular, with Cirque-du-Soleil type performers and lots of very good looking couples. They’re also very secretive — you won’t find any information about them online; it’s about knowing and talking to the right people.”
Ian has found differences between the Irish and US swinging scenes.
“In Ireland, unfortunately, a large part of the scene consists of jaded couples who’ve been together for a long time and want to spice up their sex lives.
“We try to avoid those couples because it’s obvious that they’re sick of each other and want to do a straight swap — to have sex with anyone other than their partner, they don’t actually want to swing.
“We’re a young couple that wants to have fun with other sexually liberated couples. For us, it’s not about desperation,” he explains.
nd then there are the drawbacks of the scene generally.
“There is also a seedy sub-culture to swinging that we’re very conscious of,” Ian says.
“Older guys hire prostitutes to bring to parties. If we see that going on, we don’t play — that’s not a good scene in our view.
“We might go to a party and not fancy anyone or we might go to a party and have sex with five or six different people,” he adds.
Twentysomethings also represent a growing presence at swinging parties.
“They may be sexually inexperienced and literally go to the parties to get educated or they may just be very confident sexually, far more than we were at that age,” says Ian.
“Swinging will become much more mainstream for their generation — social networking is their thing and they’re the first generation of Irish people not to have the Catholic sexual hang-ups that we did.”
For the same reason, Ian and his girlfriend tend to hang out with swingers from Northern Ireland.
“They’re better looking and they have fewer hang-ups,” he says bluntly.
Getting into swinging in Ireland takes time, he says. “You’ve got to be patient because there are a lot of messers online or people who think they want to try swinging but don’t ultimately have the nerve.
“For the first while, no one would even talk to us online because they didn’t know us, so there was a catch 22. Then we started going to meet- and-greets and getting to know people.
“The scene is quite cliquey; people form their own groups of swinging friends that they don’t move outside of,” he continues.
“All the usual suspects are there — the solicitors, barristers, high-court judges, media types, entertainment types, the middle and upper-middle classes.
“There’s a very secretive, higher level of swinging that we haven’t accessed yet: the hardcore who don’t bother with meet-and-greets; the ones who host very exclusive mansion parties,” Ian adds.
The next time you’re out, Ian reckons you might even be able to spot a swinging couple.
“If you go to a wine bar or restaurant in town and see two couples having what seems to be like an awkward first date, then the likelihood is that they’re swinging couples meeting for the first time to test the water, to see if there’s any chemistry between them,” he explains.
Ian calls swinging a “social set with benefits”.
“You go to these dinner parties in quite luxurious homes where the guests are well-educated and worldly wise.
“The level of conversation will generally be very high. Everyone has a few drinks and after dinner, the clothes come off and it turns into a full-blown orgy.
“We went to one party in a farmhouse in the midlands, a group of us banged each other senseless that night, then went out and helped to milk the cows the next morning,” Ian says.
So how did his interest in swinging come about?
“I’m not the possessive type,” Ian says. “And I wanted to try swinging for years. I don’t mean to sound trite, but I don’t believe one person can own another person.
“I went to a university in England that was just a shag fest from start to finish. Those aristocratic, toffee-nosed types are very sexually liberal. That’s probably where my interest in swinging first began.”
As a rule, he says, his swinging friends and his real friends don’t mix.
“A basic rule is that your legacy friends (old friends) don’t meet your swinging friends. We did introduce a swinging couple to our friends once and it was awful. My male friends were all over the woman who was into swinging and the wives were seriously unimpressed,” he says.
For most people, the idea of having sex with someone other than your partner while he or she is doing the same thing in the same room or in a room nearby is a step too far.
For many women, swingers’ parties conjure up the idea of having to have sex with someone you don’t fancy — ie, the bald fat man in the corner.
Then there are all the status anxieties: am I good-looking enough, am I too fat to strip off in front of a party full of strangers, am I good enough in bed, can I keep an erection long enough to have sex with more than one woman?
Is it safe — will I have to have full-blown sex with someone if I don’t really fancy it?
Do I trust my partner not to leave me for someone he or she has sex with at a party, can I really be sure that I won’t get jealous of my partner playing with someone else? And so on…
“You do have to dig deep for confidence to go to a swinger’s party,” says Ian. “Everyone is nervous at the beginning and has a few drinks, but not too much because you’re there to have sex and too much drink and sex don’t really go together.
“There is the whole issue of performance anxiety, but you just have to learn to be really zen about that.
“I’m straight but in the heat of the moment, I will play with a man, I just think, ‘to hell with it, it’s about new experiences and living’,” he adds.
Swinging couples turn the issue of trust in relationships on its head. “The rule is,” says Ian, “that we always play together. We don’t contact people we’ve had sex with separately, we don’t go to parties separately.
“I can live with that rule — for me it’s a no-brainer. We do it together as a couple and, as such, there’s a lot of trust involved.
“Not that our relationship needs to be re-affirmed, but that’s the effect — after a party we spend hours talking about what we got up to the previous night. It’s great fun,” he says.
Interestingly, both Ian and his girlfriend Maria agree that swinging is driven in part by its female participants.
“Most men will basically shag anything,” says Ian, “so it’s up to the women to set the ground rules. If a woman doesn’t really want to swing, you’re in for a pretty horrible experience.”
Maria, who’s American, took ‘threesome negotiation’ classes in New York, which taught her that in threesomes or foursomes, women are the ones who do the negotiating and set the rules of play.
“The classes teach you how to negotiate, how to please more than one lover at a time, how to get rid of fears or anxieties,” she explains.
“A couple can’t go swinging if the woman isn’t into it so, for that reason, women usually negotiate the terms.”
Maria began swinging before she and Ian started dating. “The first few clubs I went to, I went as a single woman,” she says. “But I went online first and chatted to women to see who would go with me,” she says.
“A buddy system is very important. Going to a swingers’ party alone as a woman is risky because you don’t know what’s going to happen at the end of the night — you’re opening yourself to new and sometimes weird experiences and you want to know there’s someone watching your back.
“The first party I ever went to, this guy kind of followed us around. he was respectful but kind of creepy,” Maria adds.
So what are the rules?
“The rules in swinging are clear,” Maria says. “It’s the ladies’ choice and no means no. Don’t be offended if someone doesn’t want to have sex with you at a party — move on.
“You do have to be self-assured to swing,” she adds. “I’m very slender, but the first few times, I stood there holding my tummy in. You do learn to chill out about taking your clothes off as time goes by.”
For Maria, there are rarely awkward moments when it comes to turning down a potential swinging partner.
“The idea of having sex with someone you fancy doesn’t arise. I’ll sometimes go to a party and not fancy anyone, so I either don’t have sex with anyone or just play a little with someone to take part and make it nice for everyone else — it’s not the worst thing in the world,” she says.
“You can say no. I’m bisexual, but some women who swing are straight or bi-curious, so they’ll kiss other women but nothing more.
“Everything goes — you can say no if you’re not comfortable or move on to the next level if you are,” she adds.
If you’re new to swinging, Maria has words of reassurance.
“You don’t walk into a party and get jumped on straight away,” she says, “although that has been known to happen.
“If you walk in and people are sprawled out on a bed, it’s your choice as to whether you want to be turned over and sprawled out on the bed with them.”
Maria explains how swinging has added to her relationship with Ian.
“Ian and I both find swinging very liberating. It’s a chance to try things that you might not otherwise; you feel dirty and sexy at the same time.
“But I have seen incidents at parties here where men have got aggressive with each other or someone has become jealous of what their partner is up to.
“That’s the one thing you don’t want to happen.”
Basic rules help to make swinging comfortable for both her and Ian, Maria says.
“One of our biggest rules is that we play in the same room. So I’m not standing there while Ian disappears off into another room with another woman.
“In some cases, parties will have a main bedroom and a number of other bedrooms, or just one big room with beds and couches.”
Trust and openness are other important elements, she explains.
“Swinging does involve a lot of trust and open communication. Although we’re playing in the same room, I can’t hear the conversation between Ian and other women, I have to trust him,” says Maria.
“We have joint access to our swinging accounts and I can pick up his mobile phone any time and look at it — we don’t hide anything from each other.
“There was one occasion where we were at a meet-and-greet. I was chatting to a girl, I turned around and Ian was kissing a woman,” she continues.
“I thought, ‘Dude, what are you doing?’ More because you’re not supposed to do that at meet-and- greets — they’re social occasions that you use to hook up with other couples.”
On this occasion, Maria did start to have brief doubts about swinging.
“You’re standing there thinking, ‘I’ve given him the freedom to do all of this stuff, but have I given too much freedom?’ I’m quite happy for him to go to a party and f**k her, but kissing at a meet-and-greet is not something you do,” she explains.
“Apart from that, I think swinging is a long-term lifestyle choice for us. We know one couple that have gone off the scene because they’re getting more serious in their relationship and want to have children.
“As I see it, that’s what nannies and babysitters are for. Why should having children stop you swinging?” Maria adds.
On some websites there are forums dedicated to dogging, a sexual hobby that many swingers are curious about at one stage or another.
Dogging involves the art of having sex in your car or outdoors while other people watch you or join in.
Dogging fans say it takes its name from the phrase ‘I’m just taking the dog for a walk, dear’, but it’s more likely to come from the act of doing it like dogs, in public.
It’s another scene that’s flourishing in this country, with dogging locations everywhere and anywhere you could possibly think of.
Think Phoenix Park, the old Airport road, Dollymount Strand sand dunes, Pigeon House, the Forty Foot, any supermarket forecourt in the country, Donabate, Brittas Bay, shopping centre toilets, the occasional graveyard, and so on.
Many meets take place at night, but some couples enjoy dogging in daylight, usually near beaches or in woods.
While some swingers consider dogging to be too commonplace and blue-collar to lower themselves to, it’s happening regularly at a location near you — you just don’t see it.
Like swinging, dogging has its own rules and etiquette. One woman who has tried both dogging and swinging is 29-year-old actress and singer Dawn (not her real name).
Dawn looks like a sweet little thing; she has the cheeky voice of a 16-year-old and Marilyn Monroe curves.
“But I’m like a dog,” she says. “Very curious and with a very high sex drive.
“I tried dogging a couple of times with an ex-boyfriend. I was just in a phase where I was very curious. We drove down to the Pigeon House and started getting kinky in the car.
“Basically, you turn your lights on in the car if you want to be watched. If you want someone to get into the car to watch, touch or join in, you flash your lights,” she explains.
As animalistic as it sounds, Dawn says that there is a strict code.
“People watching are supposed to stand a certain distance away. If they get too close without permission, couples will start their car up and drive away.”
Despite being used to being on stage for her job, Dawn discovered that this sort of performance wasn’t for her.
“There is an exhibitionist element for the couple having sex, obviously, and a voyeuristic element for those watching. But it wasn’t really for me,” she says.
“Although I’m an actress, I wasn’t altogether comfortable with guys standing outside our car masturbating while they watched us having sex.
“I actually felt sad for the men who watched us,” she continues. “They always seemed to be older guys who don’t have access to much sex, and they’re standing there wondering if you’ll let them in to get some that night. It was a bit pathetic.”
As with swinging, there is a darker side to dogging. “It could be quite risky,” says Dawn. “One night, there were five guys outside the car, knocking on the window saying, ‘Can we come in?'”
“You wouldn’t want to be easily intimidated. People set up dogging meets online but at the end of the day, how well can you vet someone who’s standing outside your car door in a dark place? How do you know that if you let someone into your car, they’re not going to pull a knife on you?
“Quite apart from the fact that having sex in a public place is illegal and you could be caught by the gardai. It wasn’t for me but I’m glad I tried it, and got it out of my system,” she adds.
Dawn has also been to a number of swinging parties.
“A male friend brought me after I had been through an illness, was depressed, had lost my confidence and wasn’t having any sex,” she says.
“I met some really nice people at swinging parties, a few guys who wanted to get into relationships with me, and I had sex with some really good-looking guys.
“On the other hand,” she continues, “I also saw couples fighting at parties when jealousy became an issue. They would have to be asked to leave by the organisers.”
As Dawn discovered, the swinging world is one that has few social boundaries.
“I’ve been to parties in very luxurious apartments and ordinary suburban homes,” she says.
“I met nice people, but in the end I lost touch with them. I got tired of young couples emailing me looking for threesomes. It was something I wanted to try but not a lifestyle choice for me”.
While swinging is something that many Irish couples talk about trying, it remains a fantasy for most — and with good reason.
“It starts out as a great idea,” says Tony, who’s well known on Dublin’s swinging and sex-club scene and used to organise parties himself.
“But in a lot of cases, one partner is more interested than the other, and it’s usually the girl who’s being dragged along by a boyfriend, who’s maybe a bit older and wants to try it. To me, that’s a kind of abuse.”
With this in mind, Tony tries to help people at parties who give the impression they don’t want to be there. “I help out at parties and often chat to couples as they arrive,” he explains.
“If I get the sense that a woman doesn’t really want to be there or isn’t ready for it, I’ll say to her, ‘this is not the place for you, go home’.
“On the other hand, more single women are now swinging because they feel it’s a more honest, simple way of having sex without the emotional abuse that they’ve received from men in the past.
“They go to a party, have great sex, then go home and forget about the people involved,” he adds.
And it’s not just curious young couples exploring the scene.
“Then you get the people who are getting a bit older and worried that they’re losing their looks,” Tony explains.
“They feel they need to spice up their sex life and think swinging is the way to do it. The thing is that if you’re not totally comfortable with your sexuality, swinging is a minefield.
“Some people can go to a party, have sex with lots of different people and think nothing of it but not everyone can,” he adds.
Far from being a thriving social event, Tony says that the lack of emotions involved can, ironically, make it harder for first-timers.
“There can be a coldness to the scene that doesn’t sit well with everyone. If you’re new to it, the rule is that you’re not obliged to take part in gang bangs or one-on-one sex, but of course the men just want to get the women into bed as fast as they can, so there can sometimes be pressure.
“I see what’s going on at parties and I’ll say to the women, ‘Go for that guy over there, he’ll take his time with you and give you what you want’.
“So many Irish men, even men in their 40s, are clueless about making love to a woman — they barely have the basic skills at a stage in their lives when their love-making skills should be finely honed,” Tony says.
Sexual health can also be an issue, with contraception not always to the fore in participants’ minds.
“Everyone talks about swinging being all about safe sex, but the reality is that after a few drinks and in the heat of the moment, people do silly things,” Tony says.
“Some people on the scene are particularly known for not using protection at parties — it would be wise to avoid them.”
So what are the biggest risks for swingers in Ireland? For Tony, familiarity is a problem that can ultimately spell a recipe for disaster for a couple’s relationship.
“On an emotional level, the biggest risk with swinging is that, as a couple, you have sex with the same person or couple more than once,” he says.
“Ireland is a small country, people get to know each other on the scene and the more times you have sex with someone on that scene, the greater the likelihood of emotional attachment because not everyone can separate the notion of love and sex.
“There are rules with swinging but rules are made to be broken, and, eventually, one partner goes off with a swinging friend without telling their partner, jealousy comes into the picture and, before you know it, the relationship is broken up.”
Well, I did say she said alot and this is a few years ago.. so I guess it’s up to me to find out
Actually it’s not……I am wired to be me….sorry FOLKS SWINGING ISNT MY THING….
and I will keep you posted … on my own opinion… so can’t wait to see what cums out of the next issue…(get it… hahhaha)
I’m a 30 year old professional woman, living in Melbourne, recently single, and I feel like my sex life has been a tad one dimensional. I keep falling into standard ‘sexual intercourse’ with guys. It feels based on ‘how quickly can I stick my thing in your thing’ and I want to know what else is available on the sexual menu.
So, I went to a sex party. I did this on behalf of the Passionfruit Tribe (thank you Passionfruit!) in search for something a bit more sensual… (taking one for the team, so to speak).
’Curiosity’ is the name of the party. It is run by workshop organisers ‘Curious Creatures’ out of a venue in Brunswick. It describes itself as:
‘a very unusual exploration of sexuality, self-development, and liberation… an experiment in community and self-development that uses sexuality as a starting point.’
It sounds like an orgy with a personality and a degree. I’m nervous, but, as the label advises, curious…
‘Curiosity’ is divided into three parts. Firstly, a pre-party consent workshop from 1pm to 6pm. This is compulsory to attend the party. Then the party itself from 8pm – Midnight. Finally, a debrief and integration session on Sunday, 11am – 2pm.
Note : they refund you for the party portion if you do the workshop and realise this isn’t for you. #ethical-orgy
PART ONE : THE CONSENT WORKSHOP
Well I was freaking nervous as I walked up to the venue (very non-descript from the outside on a quiet road off Lygon Street). My brain was spouting all the orgy stereotypes: ‘This will be so tacky… get ready for leather-clad older swingers and shower-averse hippies’ with a smattering of my own insecurities: ‘everyone will be so much more sexual and attractive than you… no one will want you… you’re going to look so out of place’.
Am I about to walk onto the set for Caligula…?
A lot of my myths were smashed by first impressions alone. Comfy cushions on the floor (as well as chairs for those that prefer them), bare walls, it has a yoga studio meets minimal living room vibe. And then there were the people attending (about 30 of them). It looked like the number 9 tram diverted and plopped a carriage of folks into the space; all body types, hair styles, clothes styles and ages (over 18 only of course). It did skew towards an older crowd, probably late-40s as an average age. A cross section of Melbourne and everyone looked, well, ‘normal’.
We started with conversation exercises in groups, asking each other why we were there, and if we were worried about feeling unwelcome in any way. It became clear we all had our own hangups and shame we were grappling with. We all had stories around why we would be unwelcome or invisible in a sexual space. Generally it felt like we were all there for similar reasons around two themes : permission to feel ok about sexy stuff, and to learn something new about ourselves.
Then we moved on to partnered exercises. Nothing sexual happens in the workshop. Instead the partner-based exercises are to learn consent through simple touch and employing the traffic light system : Green (keep going), Orange (change to something else), Red (stop everything). For example, asking your partner if you can hold their hand : if they say Green you hold it, Orange you would see if they wanted a shoulder massage instead, Red you stop everything and thank your partner for calling Red.
These exercises were more powerful than I thought they would be for two reasons. I loved having someone enthusiastically Thank me for saying No to something I didn’t want. I feel pretty strong around my boundaries and consent in sexual situations however there is often a nagging feeling that ‘thanks but no thanks’ will be met with a sulk or an inquisition. The touch-based exercises also got me thinking about the simplicity of nice touch on other parts of the body away from Genital Central. It feels like the workshop is designed like a dojo gym for consent and to move us past the idea of ‘sex’ being ‘genitals’.
It was a long workshop but also well facilitated so there was never a break too far away and a good mix of sitting versus moving about exercises.
Loved most :
The Consent Cards : A wallet-sized card with a series of questions to get you and your partner talking about the kind of experience you actually want to have together, sexual or otherwise (Do we want to dance? Do we want massage? Do you like your arms being squeezed?). It’s like foreplay to foreplay, or consent porn. Once you’ve gone through these questions with a partner you can’t help but feel very excited and relaxed – you are on totally the same page. (Luckily I was paired with someone for this exercise who I had a lot of connection with and this game was like pouring gasoline on that initial spark!)
Take-aways :
Always, always thank people when they say No. I want to make sure I go forward treating people like this in any situation. It removes your ego from the equation and gives the person holding up their boundaries a huge sense of relief and trust.
Even if you have no intention of going to a sex party, get a hold of the consent card and use it with a partner to instantly upgrade your sexual experiences.
If you would like one of the consent cards and to discover new sexuality events in Melbourne, please sign up here (we will keep your Consent Card behind the counter for you).
PART TWO : THE PARTY
After the workshop I felt a bit drained, it is a lot of information to take in at once, so I had a quick light dinner (a strategic salad) and grabbed my pre-arranged ‘sex party outfit’.
I felt the nerves once again approaching the venue, but ‘excited-nerves’ this time. It was easy to talk to people in the queue about these feelings. Everyone was a first timer at some point. There’s a room for getting changed and it struck me how many more people there were than I imagined. There’s about 80 people at the party and a real sense of community. Some people here have clearly felt at home in the space for years.
We gathered in the largest room where we’d had the workshop earlier. In an impressive turn-around the space was softly lit with more cushions than before and also, 100% more sex furniture and equipment. Every corner seemed to have an interesting something going on, it felt a bit like walking through an art exhibition titled ‘what even IS sex?’.
Roger (the main facilitator and driving force behind Curious Creatures) welcomed everyone to the space and pointed out Emotional Support crew for the night, two people with counselling backgrounds there to offer a chat, or answer any of your questions about the interesting furniture and activities around the place – the sex party fairy Godmothers.
And so it began…
My biggest misconception about the party was that it would be a whole load of fucking, like a big Roman orgy. There is every single sexual – and gender – expression under the sun in this space : lots of kink, threesomes, foursomes, a guy in a cage, floggings, spanking, there was even a Sybian for riding (imagine a lawn mower vibrator that you sit on), and yes, good old fashioned fucking, but that felt like just one bit of the buffet rather than the baseline. I started the night with some incredible open conversations with people about sexuality in general…… and then stumbled upon my consent-card partner from the earlier workshop. And by encounter, I mean Sexual Awakening. We agreed to not do anything with our genitals and just played with touching, breathing deeply, and kissing softly. My whole body was lit up like a Christmas tree. I got completely lost in a time warp with no sense of ‘rushing towards a goal’. It became a game in making every touch even more pleasurable, slow and playful.
I also had another misconception smashed during the night, the fear of the ‘creepy dudes’. There were clearly some guys who came alone in search for fun and play. But the workshop pointed out that this can be another type of sexual stigma to carry around, men worry about being seen as creepy perhaps as much as I worry about being creeped on. In the end I felt very sure of my ability to consent and that my ‘thanks but no thanks’ would be thanked back, so it wasn’t a problem.
The experience in true X-Rated Cinderella style ends at midnight. I emerged from my time warp shocked that the sensual touch paradise I was dissolved in had gone on for 2 hours! They lit up the room, pumped out some 80s music and everyone danced together to signify the end to the magic. Yes, the orgy finishes as a dance party. This is one well designed event by any standards.
Loved most :
The Museum of Sexual Possibility : the sheer variety of sexual acts on display makes the idea of ‘sex’ now much more fun, playful and creative. You see some intense stuff (depending on your version of ‘intense’) but it’s all consensual and clearly fun for the people involved. A memorable cry out of ‘GRREEEEN’ that I heard during a genital-cropping scene sums it up nicely.
The Safety. At no point did I feel unsafe or vulnerable. Amusingly, I felt safer here than at house parties and clubs where I am way more clothed! This is in large part to the culture of consent the space is built on, plus the extra (consensual) touches like the emotional support crew.
Weirdly, there was no feeling of obligation to have sex at the sex party. I could easily and happily have spent the night voyeuring different sexual ‘scenes’ (a kink lingo word I learnt to mean an intentionally thought out sexual/sensual experience).
PART THREE : ‘INTEGRATION’
At 11am the next day, we gathered back in the space (all the cock rings and cobwebs swept away from the night before). We split into groups of three and asked each other questions like “what did you most enjoy/find easiest about the experience? How did you feel you conducted yourself last night?’. This experience is as much a lesson in empathic listening, self-development and ‘skipping the small talk’ as much as it is about having a nice slap and a tickle.
The rest of the time was spent as a big group sharing stories and reflections on the night. They also asked for feedback about the event for general improvements. One piece of feedback I would agree with was to set up the workshop to prepare you better for the ‘intensity’ of the party. The workshop I would recommend for anybody, it’s all about sensuality and touch-based. The party is a Level 5 to that Level 1 in terms of the intensity of some acts (which of course you do not feel pressure to partake in and I found fascinating to observe. But it would have been good to have a heads up that you will see some eye-popping stuff! To emphasise again, these are all consensual, and hey- each to their own).
Loved Most :
There is a real sense of community and people are very respectful of each other. It is relieving to hear someone feels the same way as you do when we live in a world where what what we really think and feel during sex is rarely discussed.
My Type A personality really enjoyed getting the chance to debrief and hear what other people learnt and experienced. People voiced their experiences around shame, discomfort, dealing with rejection, dealing with the drops that can follow after having such an intensely pleasurable time. There’s a lot for the life long learners here.
This experience would suit…
– People who are nuts about self-development. The workshop and integration are perfect for reflectors. Even if you go to the party and do nothing but observe you leave with a fresh new perspective on sex.
Couples who want to break their sex routine.
People who know they have a pervy/slutty/kinky/sensual side to explore but are feeling nervous about attending a sex party for the first time.
People who want to try out a sex party alone but are nervous about creepy dudes or safety. Consent is the philosophy and language of the space, so that despite having some 800 people involved over the last three years, people’s behaviour has been near to impeccable.
People worrying that they are too ‘old’ to go to a play party.
This experience would not suit :
– People working through big hang-ups around sex, the workshop alone would be perfect if you know you’re carrying around a lot of narratives, bad experiences, cultural baggage to do with sexuality but the play space felt like a Level 5 in terms of visual intensity compared to the Level 1 touch’n’consent workshop.
People who do not want to be in a space with an older sexual crowd. There is diversity here but under 30s are the minority of attendees. There are a lot of regulars who are over 40, embracing and loving their sexuality. I personally wasn’t put off by this and didn’t feel the space wasn’t appropriate for me because of it, but if you know that would affect you then give this one a miss.
In summary, this is a very safe space to explore something new and observe some versions of ‘sexuality’ you may not have considered before. While I went in with no expectations, I knew I wanted to find a space for something outside of the mainstream but still very sensual and safe, so for me this was an A+ experience.
Those feeling nervous about sexuality might find some of the differences challenging but that can be rewarding to think about afterwards, and the integration section is there to help you process that. Otherwise attending the workshop alone is rewarding in itself. ‘Curiosity’ is definitely spot on branding for this event.
So this is one of the write up’s about a Melbourne Sex Party..
The best things in life are free. That said, if you slap an exorbitant price tag on anything, it automatically becomes more alluring — and that’s especially true when it comes to the world’s most expensive, exclusive sex parties.
In the past, sex parties had a seedy reputation. They traditionally evoked images of 1970s-style key swap parties that attracted a less-than-upscale clientele. (Think guys with hairy backs and gold chain necklaces.) But in recent years, that’s changed quite a bit. Many sex parties are elite affairs where entry can cost upwards of your annual salary. Many of them are also super woman-friendly (in most cases, guys need a female plus-one to gain entry).
In exchange for these golden tickets, you get entry to a glamorous, underground world of sex, where you’re rubbing elbows (not to mention other bits) with VIPs and wealthy partiers. Here are just a few of them.
1) Snctm.
SNCTM
Since 2013, Snctm has been a playground for the rich and famous. And by “rich and famous,” we mean really rich and famous: annual membership for this private sex society will set you back a cool $75,000, which guarantees attendance to all parties. Women are required to be dressed in either elegant evening wear or lingerie, while men must don a tux. Attendees are also required to wear masks, Eyes Wide Shut-style, and according to a 2016 Esquire profile, members include international models, New York City real estate moguls, and Moscow billionaires.
Fortunately for those who can’t afford to pay the $75K entrance fee, there are plenty of lower-level options. Single men pay $1,850 per party, or $1,500 if they come with a female partner. (Women don’t have to pay a thing, though both men and women do have to pass a strict application process, including submitting full-body photos.) But just because it’s a sex party does not necessarily mean that anything goes at Snctm: the club puts a premium on consent and mutual respect. In fact, earlier this year, a longtime, high-profile member of Snctm was stripped of his membership and publicly exposed for lewd and inappropriate behavior. A $75,000 price tag comes with significant responsibility.
If you thought sex parties exclusively stemmed from the recesses of the male mind, you would be dead wrong. Killing Kittens is one of the only woman-created and designed sex parties, and it also happens to be one of the world’s most exclusive. (Much like Snctm, Killing Kittens also puts a premium on consent: in fact, men at the event aren’t allowed to approach women for sex.)
Founded in 2005 by Emma Sayle, Killing Kittens was launched as a sexual play space for young, financially solvent single women and couples. The parties began in London, but today the community boasts more than 100,000 members worldwide, with private events regularly held in New York penthouses or on luxury yachts sailing the Caribbean. The price of entry is around $250 per couple (airfare to exotic locales not included).
3) Les Chandelles.
LES CHANDELLES/FACEBOOK
Paris might be the City of Love, but it’s also the city of some seriously expensive sex. While most tourists are taking selfies in front of the Louvre and Place de l’Opera, politicians, VIPs, and celebrities are reportedly having sex behind closed doors at a Les Chandelles event. The parties take place at a discreet location in the exclusive First Arrondissement. They’re lavish, Bacchanalian affairs complete with gourmet cuisine, top-shelf liquor, socializing, and, of course, sex.
But what sets Les Chandelles apart from other swanky sex soirées is the food: the menu includes steak tartar, caviar, and bream and mango ceviche. among other more substantial dishes. An evening (or brunch, if that’s what you’re into) at Les Chandelles is no cheap affair: entry fees start at about $373, and dinner is $323 per person. Zut alors.
A lovely night was spent however, while my brain seems to have “minions” going “hmm, why is it that your not hearing anything?”
What I should do is praise the lord but, instead hours later trying to thirst my quench (those ones who are having trouble in understanding me I am talking about sex)
I hear my husband coughing and I get up and go, that is it!! we need to stop for a while (STOP!!!! What the fuck was I thinking, stupid women!)
Anywho, again as I am out the front trying to rake the millions of leafs off the ground into the garden bin I started to hear my once silent mind start with you idiot!!
Then on top of that my mothers voice going are you stupid or something think about what your thinking (yes still talking about sex) your vivid mind is not what society wants you to act… SLUT!!
Then deep inside my vast mass of emptiness (well, it was sex i was thinking about and wanting desperately)
I then start this story of my stupid past and blah blah blah, anyhoo, cut a long story short or I could talk about what we where doing.. or we could of done or.. oh shut up women..!!
I swear some women should just shut the fuck up and get fucked.. literately!! ME
If you want to hear more or my version of dirty send me a comment.. and say.. well what did you end up doing last night???
Men, men, men … they are fun to be around, sometimes and yes, I will admit that they have an interesting side to them.
They’re creatures of this land that we just have to live with.
Men and women will never be able to understand one another – no matter how hard we try.
Uh oh! A man and a video camera – where is this going to go?
Well, normally I would say the video camera and something naked to video yes, that is something they would do or would it be that fish in the sea that they would prefer to video???
However, If your man has just got his hands on a video camera, for the first couple of months, you need to lock the bathroom door when you go in there.
You wouldn’t want the film to end with a scream with you on the toilet now would you. Yes, men and their video cameras.
Men like phones, but they don’t want just any phone! It has to be a phone with tons of buttons, even if he does not know what those buttons are for and does not plan on using them – all of those buttons make him feel more important.
They are definately SENSITIVE
Oh yes, men are sensitive, but they won’t let you se it. They have strange ways that they are sensitive.
For example, a man goes out and builds a fire.
The log does not burn.
Oh goodness, the log didn’t burn, now he is going to take it too personally.
They do so love CLOTHING
Men love clothing they are better at finding clothing and they are quicker at deciding what to wear..
They don’t take it as serious as we do.
I have yet to see a man walk through the doors of an event and say “Oh my gosh!
Do you see that guy over there?
He has the same exact tuxedo on as I do! I have got to change.”
OVERREACTING
No, I am not saying that guys overreact, but I am sure there are plenty out there that do. I am saying that guys hate those type of girls that overreact on everything.
MEN LOVE OUR BODIES…… THEY REALLY DO!!!
Men love, love, love our soft skin.
If you think that your skin is not one of the major things men love about our bodies, it’s simply not true!
Think about it, a man’s skin is typically rough, so they like being able to feel something soft around them when they are cuddling.
Keep your skin moisturized with a scented lotion and he won’t be able to keep his hands off you!
Go out and pick that slutty lingerie outfit and do yourself a favour.. buy, buy, buy and get your asses into gear ladies and put them on for them.. they adore your efforts… they really do love a chick that loves them.. and even more loves the effort she puts into showing them…
BACK OF THE NECK
They love to nuzzle there, love to kiss there and absolutely love to press against there.
It is a sexy and unique feature they even love to hold it in their hands as they grip harder and harder.. mainly because you piss them off but, perhaps they do love the kinkier type of foreplay..
And that brings me to the “end of Vanilla”.. with that last bit of a splash of not so vanilla… and that is another story another day… sorry ladies…
However, Karma can be and will always be a needle in your foot… becareful what you do in life as you could possibly stand on a tack … teach ya for being an ASS
