We are haunted more by regrets about not becoming the person we wanted to be, than not becoming the person we were expected to be


Before I paste the above let’s firstly discuss “what if’s”, we all have this converstation in our lives at one stage of it we end up remonissing about what we could have done better!

By all means have the converstation but, remember this what happened a did happen and you did well, and if you didnt do well you going forward in your life will do well.

We self humilliate ourselves and others by regrets of if he didnt do this I would have done it better… or if this business did as I suggested then they would be still open and productive.

Okay, well, yes, maybe, possibly but NO!! we have to becareful with what we say to ourselves we have this BAD habbit of saying we are bad or they are bad or he/she is bad.

And let’s not discount our heart and how we could have been a better partner, so how do we alter our thinking pattern because thats the key.. Language, self blame, negitive affermations, finger point to deflect ourselves as perfect and telling everyone else is the enermy and should be killed..

Seriously people, next time your mindset is about to hang one of your loved ones out and beat them with a stick ask yourself…

  • Why are you so Negitive?
  • What happened to this discussion that turned out to be world war 3 of deflecting your blame onto someone else?
  • What made your shit stink lesser than the average bears shit?

The answer is usualy, well, because if it wasnt for them I would be a happy, how about saying this.. stop being such a sook and look around you and love yourself, then you will be set free.

I spent a beautiful night last night loving and talking about positive what if’s, the next day I get up happy and I get in return a person that is angry, why because we never seem to believe in anything that is good.. for longer than 12 hours.

We allow ourselves to fall back into feeling sorry and sad for ourselves and never patting ourselves on the backs and telling ourselves that we deserve to be happy, in a loving marriage and open to great possibilities…

Why is it so difficult to allow that simple wonderful beautiful feeling of positive love???

If it was food I would eat it up whole because I adore positive energy but, after years of what you cannot feel and you allow yourself a few years of growth and those walls start disintergrating then we end up vunrable (which is beautiful) and some reason our insecurities start to appear because our eyes and hearts are very alert and at times we then listen but we hear an old trigger of memory and that is, YOUR NOT WORTH IT!

Growth is important in living a full life but, we must do this everyday with those around you that you spend your life with.. because if you both dont then you both will go back to that security of negivate happiness of self blame and it’s your fault I am like this..

Remember you are loved and your are valued Stop allowing others to devalue your worth because at the end of the day to have a happy life we must validate ourselves as being worth it and stop this idea of denying that we are not deserving.

If your lucky enough and mature enough to accept love then it will be easier to see those who do the same about themselves.. they presence are intoxicating and very adictive but, once you allow a negitve thought to grow then you are disempowering self believe and then those that you drew in with go and those that feel neglected will be in your light… and then your inner worth will decline to nothing but, a empty vessel…

So, Make a choice …. positive energy with beautiful people or Negitive Nelly with the same mindset as you…… I know what I want more……..

Franny xx

Now here is some intersting facts…

6c2014e54ff7f2a59bd0200d8dbff41d.jpg

In research published in the 1990s, psychologists asked people to list their biggest regrets in life and found that they tended to mention things they hadn’t done, rather than things they had.

Now, one of the psychologists behind that seminal research – Thomas Gilovich at Cornell University – together with his colleague Shai Davidai at The New School for Social Research – have looked into the content of people’s regrets, as opposed to how they were brought about (by action or inaction).

Across six studies, the pair present new evidence, published in Emotion, that our most enduring regrets concern not living up to our ideal selves (i.e. not becoming the person we wanted to be), as opposed to not living according to our “ought selves” (the person we should have been based on our duties and responsibilities).

The researchers surveyed hundreds of participants, including students, but mostly members of the public recruited on Amazon’s survey website.

For most of the studies, the researchers started out telling their recruits the difference between regrets concerning the “ideal self” (not achieving goals they had set for themselves, their dreams and ambitions) and “the ought self” (not meeting the norms and rules they had for themselves or fulfilling their obligations to others), before asking them to list, name and categorise their regrets.

Across the different studies, the participants said they experienced regrets concerning their ideal self more often (72 per cent vs. 28 per cent); they mentioned more ideal-self regrets than ought-self regrets when asked to list their regrets in life so far (57 per cent vs. 43 per cent); and when asked to name their single biggest regret in life, participants were more likely to mention a regret about not fulfilling their ideal self (76 per cent vs. 24 per cent mentioning an ought-self regret).

Gilovich and Davidai next tested their belief that a key reason why ideal-self regrets are more enduring is that we are less likely to take practical and psychological action at the time to repair these regrets, compared with ought-self regrets.

For instance, presented with hypothetical ideal-self regrets (such as forsaken dreams or romantic interests not pursued) and hypothetical ought-self regrets (like failing to visit a dying relative or infidelity), participants said a typical person was more likely to take action, psychological and practical, to repair the ought-self regrets, such as by finding a silver lining or doing something to dampen the regret, than to repair ideal-self regrets.

In a follow-up study, participants described actual regrets they had, either ideal-self related or ought-self related, and said what they’d done to cope with them. Those asked to describe ought-self regrets rated them as having been more urgent and said they’d taken more steps to cope, including changing their behaviour, rectifying the situation or undoing it entirely.

Finally, the researchers switched things up and asked 157 more participants to recall a resolved regret or an unresolved regret (“unfinished business”) – they found those asked to write about the former were more likely to describe an ought-self regret, while those asked to write about the latter were more likely to describe an ideal-self regret.

Gilovich and Davidai and are not saying that the only reason that ideal-self regrets are more enduring is because we are less likely to attend to them and resolve them, but they think this is a key factor in why they are generally more bothersome and come more readily to mind. Other possible reasons (not tested in the current research) are that our ideal selves are simply less obtainable than our ought selves, more abstract, and less context dependent, meaning regrets pertaining to them are triggered more often.

“Our work is the first to show that people’s most prominent life regrets more often involve failures to live up to their ideal self than their ought self,” the researchers concluded. And they added the work “… is the first to document the role played by behavioural and psychological coping mechanisms in people’s tendency to regret their failures to live up to their ideal selves.”

The new results are backed up by anecdotal accounts from patients nearing the end of their lives, described in a book by palliative nurse Bronnie Ware in 2013: “When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled,” she wrote. “Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices that they had made, or not made.”

Can we take any practical insights from the latest findings? Gilovich and Davidai urge caution, suggesting that the most advisable way to live will depend on how much weight you place on your ought self vs. your ideal self.

If you place a premium on your ought self, you “would be wise to minimise [your] regrets by thinking twice before forging ahead [and seizing the moment]” they suggest. On the other hand, “if one is an adventurous soul guided by her ideal self, she might indeed end up happier by seizing the day and not looking back. As we have shown in this research, a person focused on her ideal self is more likely to lose sleep over her ‘wouldas’ and ‘couldas’ than her ‘shouldas’.”

download (8)

Categories: Owner of The Candii Club, STOP HATING EACH OTHERTags:
%d bloggers like this: