ARE YOU READY??
That’s right. It’s going to be a sexy, sexy year. Everyone’s going to be at it and while the set menu will get a look in – the set menu refers to the combination of missionary, cowgirl and doggy, not necessarily in that order. Also known as the big three – people really will be pulling some moves out of the bag for 2018.
So what can we expect?
Knowing me and the way I conduct myself, I can’t be expecting anything, but you know, I’ll give guessing a go…
1. Sam Sparro-ing
Don’t ask me how I know, but the 2008 hit song ‘Black and Gold’ by Sam Sparro is going to make a huge comeback this year. With that in mind, people are going to want to ingratiate it into every aspect of their lives.
The bedroom isn’t safe, as before you know it, every couple who have access to the internet will be ‘Sam Sparro-ing’.
What’s Sam Sparro-ing? Good question.
Sam Sparro-ing involves a couple engaged in either missionary or cowgirl at first.
Whoever is on top will then start to pour salted caramel and chocolate sauce on their partner (granted, this would make more sense for Golden Brown by The Stranglers, but that’s not coming back until 2034).
From there, they will lick it off, only to stop at one minute intervals to quote lyrics from the song, such as “the fish swam out of the ocean and grew legs and they started walking”, “now I’m filled to the top with fear that it’s all just a bunch of matter”, and “black and gold, black and gold, black and gold, black and gold, black and gold”.
This trend can only be achieved through the mediums of cowgirl and doggy, which may be bad new for some; though I’m unsure as to why.
If riding cowgirl, the person on top will be able to use their free hand to either strum on a guitar, hold a wind instrument to their face, or even use their partner’s chest as a prop for their keyboard. For people opting for doggy, the same things can be done, but you would use your partner’s back for the prop for you keyboard.
You would then begin to serenade your partner, whilst having sex with them – hence ‘serenailing’. (GET IT..)
For the pros amongst you, the people on the bottom during cowgirl would be able to sport a smaller instrument, such as a lute, ukulele, or other wind instrument. Those receiving during doggy could really only go for a panpipe.
You can also mix this with ‘Sam Sparro-ing’
Photoshopping is my passion.
This is an actual serious one. Look me, being a hang on that isnt me.. how rude….
Rather handily I badly drew a picture for pegging early last year – I can just use that again…
Pegging gained popularity that nobody saw coming back in 2017, but I have a feeling that it’s going to reach full swing during the summer of 2018.
People are going to be hot and not want to have too much bodily contact.
Team that with the fact that everyone’s experimental now more than ever and equality means that women can now fuck their boyfriends up the arse…
You’ve got pegging, brother.
I say all of that, I’m not sure it’s for me. It’s not just because I’m single and pegging isn’t really something you’d break out in a one night stand, but it just doesn’t seem like something I’d enjoy.
Obviously a very clever play on the words ‘shag’ and ‘admin’. Like I say, I’m a bloody genius (true story, I just wrote it “genious” before the red line came up).
People in 2018 are busy. They’ve got their professional lives to attend to as well as the innate need to satisfy their sexual desires. It’s hard work being a sexy, working person this year, but the crafty millennials amongst you will be able to work around these hurdles as if they weren’t there.
By simply performing sex acts whilst attending to your admin, you’ll be able to increase productivity to no end.
How? How about instead of using a chair at your desk, take your kit off and use your equally naked fella to perch on? Like so…
You see that is just silly….. I mean to say… look at them…god..
Or for people in manual labour jobs…
I’m sure that’s safe.
5. Proper Lovin’
There’s a lot to be said for proper lovin’.
There’s loads of different types of sex, when you think about it, and I’m not just talking about positions.
The heat and mood of the moment can change a lot about the actual act itself, and for whatever reason, the general tone of late has been “man we fucked so hard” or “I’m going to destroy her tonight” or “lol we went so hard that it hurt after”. That’s fine sometimes, sure, but it more or less detracts from any romance present.
2018’s a year for tenderness and intimacy, where people have sex to enjoy each other, instead of themselves.
Cosy sex. What’s not to love?
6. Fucking five-somes or something.. cuz these guys below prolly know how to set one up…. lol
Just, like, four girls and one girl and they’re all pounding and wrecking her lolololol. Enough sex in one go to put you off sex for life. That’s what 2018’s about for me!
Imagine this but a lot more grotesque, and one of the women is a man…
And that’s it. They’re the sex trends of 2018 and if you don’t like them, you can more or less show me something better?????