I am the one on the left in Black I think I believe I was 18 years old
Since discovering alot about myself and who I am now I believe I have changed or you could say I am changing within how I feel about alot of things.
I feel very delicate to the point of “those days of me standing up for myself”, I am tired of doing now, I really don’t want to argue or even hear someone shouting and that scares the shit out of me to be perfectly honest!
I have and cannot tell you how many years I have been around people who yell, scream, shout, tell others how disappointed they are in them, and how disappointed they are of you as a person.
I feel like I am walking on ice, it’s quite strange to be honest, and as I was in my own world when my husband came home tonight, I switched off, didn’t mean it I guess, it is because I am trying to search for my own place in this world.
Sounds morbid, sorry I really don’t mean to sound that way I am typing this as I am feeling it so don’t be surprised if you re-read it or not! That it might change again! and stupid enough again!
I seem to type stuff and sometimes I think I have got it, then I find that I have lost it again, is this ever going to STOP?
That is my question .. can and when is my life going to mean something? Am I ever going to feel like I mean something to someone?
I know my husband loves me however, why do I feel so like I never seem to come up to someones standards, which in fact is something I have come to understand that is what my life was and hopefully not will be continueing going forward..
It is like he will never allow me close to him, it is like he has his own scares that I had hoped he would share but, the more I grow the more he retracts and denies himself of trusting me..
What do I have to do to help him know I am here for him.. just like he has been for me..
So, if anyone that wishes to comment or help me understand that I am not the only one out there that feels this way.. I would love to hear your comments… please