What has changed for me?

I am the one on the left in Black I think I believe I was 18 years old



Since discovering alot about myself and who I am now I believe I have changed or you could say I am changing within how I feel about alot of things.

I feel very delicate to the point of “those days of me standing up for myself”, I am tired of doing now, I really don’t want to argue or even hear someone shouting and that scares the shit out of me to be perfectly honest!

I have and cannot tell you how many years I have been around people who yell, scream, shout, tell others how disappointed they are in them, and how disappointed they are of you as a person.

I feel like I am walking on ice, it’s quite strange to be honest, and as I was in my own world when my husband came home tonight, I switched off, didn’t mean it I guess, it is because I am trying to search for my own place in this world.

Sounds morbid, sorry I really don’t mean to sound that way I am typing this as I am feeling it so don’t be surprised if you re-read it or not!  That it might change again! and stupid enough again!

I seem to type stuff and sometimes I think I have got it, then I find that I have lost it again, is this ever going to STOP?

That is my question .. can and when is my life going to mean something?  Am I ever going to feel like I mean something to someone?

I know my husband loves me however, why do I feel so like I never seem to come up to someones standards, which in fact is something I have come to understand that is what my life was and hopefully not will be continueing going forward..

It is like he will never allow me close to him, it is like he has his own scares that I had hoped he would share but, the more I grow the more he retracts  and denies himself of trusting me..

What do I have to do to help him know I am here for him.. just like he has been for me..




So, if anyone that wishes to comment or help me understand that I am not the only one out there that feels this way.. I would love to hear your comments… please


  1. The New Renaissance Mindset

    You are not alone in these feelings.
    We may express it differently at times, but the search for self-worth is a very common one.
    The message many friends and my wonderful wife keep repeating to me is that I must stop seeking external validation and start… well, patting myself on the back.

    Right now, it is mixed together with understanding gratitude for what I have, appreciating who I am and what I have accomplished, and finding a way to FEEL that everything will turn out all right.
    So, faith, gratitude, letting go or fear, and self-trust.
    I can honestly say I feel a overwhelmed most of the time and often feel like giving up.

    I really don’t know what is holding me back from giving up, because I hear a voice in my heart/head telling me giving up is exactly what God/the universe is trying to tell me.
    Have faith and give it all up to the universe. Let go of fear/control.
    Let go of worry/judgement.
    Let go of the need for external validation.

    Well, I’m not sure if this helps, but I felt a brief release while writing it and for that I am very grateful.

    I’m very grateful to you for sharing your feelings and bless you for sharing your journey.
    You are helping people in ways only the universe will reveal in its own way.

    Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thecandiiclub

      Oh, wow, thank you for sharing your feelings, I understand what external validation means.. however, that my dear friend isn’ t what I wanted.

      I am sharing this for others to know that they are not alone.. you are not alone and I am not alone.

      So thank you, so much for your comments and thank you for caring about me who you do not know that my friend is the loveliest feeling reading your comments xxx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. The New Renaissance Mindset

        That is the million dollar question!
        It may be different from situation to situation.
        However, it may be a simple & complex as wanting people to recognize that I know what I’m talking about in the specific situations where I feel the need for validation and trust my knowledge. And I realize that this is probably impossible, because I’m emoting some insecurity that influences the reactions of those who’s validation I’m seeking.

        I guess I’m trying to figure out why I’m not listening to the inner voice of reason and change my patterns.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. thecandiiclub

    I think that blogs like mine, yours, anyones really is exactly external validation to a point . However, each person has a slight or huge difference M where I don’t feel expressing our internal private pain is something that requires rewarding ourselves with someone who suffers the same pain.
    Be careful when ppl use words like.. your asking ppl yo feel sorry for you.
    That isnt what I’m after not you!!

    Let’s face it do you want others to suffer like you have?
    Customers I dont M xx

    Liked by 1 person

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