Handling different levels of openness in kink relationships can be a challenging dynamic;
- what we share with the world, where we share it, and with whom.
- As a self-producing performer and writer, Cameryn Moore is very open about her sex life, and over the past eight years, Cameryn’s partners have all had varying degrees of openness for different reasons.
- But, what questions do you need to ask?
First of all, remember there is no value or merit inherent in outness.
That being said, I’ve always been a super-loudmouth activist about things, especially in regions where the surrounding culture is conservative, but there are many legitimate reasons why someone may not be open in public spaces about being a kinkster.
Places of employment, for example, can be bad environments for “too much sharing”; ditto if you are in any domestic dispute involving child custody.
Conversely, there are also good reasons for openness, and partners who are more private should still make an effort to understand how keeping one’s private life under wraps can feel supremely disorienting and uncomfortable to someone who lives life more out on the table. Furthermore, the more open person in this situation might end up feeling like you’re trying to keep them and your relationship a secret.
- How can you resolve these seeming conflicts?
- What questions do you need to ask?
Sharing private information
Let’s start with what information goes out where.
This is especially a concern if either of you ever post stuff about your personal sex life on mainstream social media.
I frequently have drawn from real-life stories for my blog posts, for example, never mind passing references to things on Facebook.
Some things to discuss:
- How do you refer to your partners in social media, if at all? (Some of my lovers have gotten nicknames, which I let them agree to.)
- Do you tag them in a post? (Some of mine yes, others no.)
- Is your relationship status acknowledged by an official link, or is it “complicated”? (I have decided to leave my current status “complicated.”)
Until you have a good sense of what your partner is comfortable with, it’s a good idea to run your posts and status updates by them if you refer to them in it.
This same initial caution applies to pictures as well.
- Would you want to put pictures up on Facebook?
- On Fetlife?
- Here on fetish.com?
- Under what conditions? With mask?
- Not showing bits or only showing bits?
If you have doubts about privacy levels in your kink relationships, talk about it.
Who do you tell?
My kink is an essential part of my relationship; my closest friends know this.
I check with my partner:
what I can put out in the world about us?