I would like you to meet my subconscious, her name is “Wanda”, I called her that because, I Wanda, when she will let me live my life without regret!
#PTSD #DEPRESSION #UNDERSTANDING #GROWTH #NEWBEGINNINGS #JOY #FRIENDSHIPS #FAMILY #PARTNERS #SUBCONSCIOUS
………………by the way, before you read this it needs a bit of polish which means my grammar is shocking in this post (just warning you)
It is such a funny odd title isn’t it… but, somehow it really isn’t that odd actually!
What it means is I somehow constructed or perhaps my subconscious did this to protect me by making me a little blind and perhaps a little numb with a splash of an “I was lost in my own self with my subconscious protecting me I guess”.
My subconscious created a total blindness, numbness, tunnel vision if you want to put it in such words where I would only acknowledge what appeared in front of me… and not what was the energies around me.
You’re probably wondering what I mean by the above sentence?!
Trauma lives events, realization, childhood events or just maybe unfortunate and occasional mishaps lets just leave it at that, shall we!
Well, you are probably wondering if this is even possible, not seeing everything around you let’s face it sometimes we don’t however, this I have never felt before nor have I even tried to make it clear to me and that was a definite shock, and fear that I did not understand within myself at all.
What I mean by blindness, it just basically means my brain saw something and said to my subconscious, let’s just put that on ice for a bit and let this girl process life a little slower this time!
However, I trusted that (the conscious state I mean when I say this) I would come out of this okay, and I will be able to open my eyes and see life with a better view and with a better trust within myself and those who I love and who loves me I hope!
I still haven’t totally understood why she did this.. my subconscious which I call now “Wanda”, and perhaps with time, she will allow me to break that stone mason wall she created so thick that even the person living in my own body could not break her bond with me.. beautiful but, tragic all the same.
Wow, what I journey, sometimes I feel like “come on, more drama?” Give me a break already!
Then other times, I go, “Far out this is starting to tire me out and I just want to scream and hit a wall or something”, similar to a disability or a sickness, not really sure I just know that it depletes my insides and I just want to scream into a pillow with all of my might”.
However, this isn’t how I feel anymore, I now feel a lot stronger, calmer, a tad, drawn out like you need a nice beach, umbrella and a nice tree to sit under while relaxing as I sip on a coconut loving that taste of beautiful fresh squeezed orange juice.
Or a Pina Colada, which everyone can relate too.
The Beautiful Mind is an amazing membrane, and I must say it can and will keep you on your toes if you don’t understand it, or at least give your brain a bit of “validation” or it will get a little pissed off with you and make you think that you are crazy.
And like most of us suffering from thoughts and feelings that shouldn’t really be existing in normal minds especially in a good environment. Maybe, in a little way, we feel this after years of never being able to speak or say anything we end up having a few areas of our lives with quirks that perhaps the normal individual wouldn’t have in their normal life if “normal” is?
What is Normal? Good Bloody question?!
That was the scary part of understanding myself.. finding out I was making myself sick, and even perhaps feeling that people didn’t care enough, didn’t want me around.
And most of all I felt lost and isolated all because of my thoughts that lead straight to my membrane and it seemed to preach to my subconscious, that I was not worthy of people’s friendships.
More about this later I guess, battles some people have are real let me give you the hot tip!
Another thing some of you probably noticed my very bad grammar well, that is another reason why most people don’t put pen to paper because they get embarrassed about the lack of education they were taught or their brain could register at school another story to tell.
Anyway, this story about me is about the very long blindness that I had has been a good blessing and I will trust that part of me and every other after this story I am writing and sharing with others.
Why do I do this?
Because maybe someone or others may understand that they are not alone in this big wide world of judgment, labels, nasty criticisms, and frankly the reason I do this is that I can!
Mental illness in some isn’t an illness as such more a victim of other peoples bad behavior I know it sounds like I am blaming someone else for this right!
In a way, I am because if it wasn’t for another area that needed to be helped then I would be “what society calls so lovely, NORMAL, right!
Just before I finish this post I want to say this “I am not a victim”, I would basically call myself a normal girl living in a world that needs a reality check!
I don’t blame anyone, I blame myself for being a little girl living in a world full of dramatic bullshit, and what society calls normal, well, I call it out, by saying, how on earth did I get myself into this shit!
Love Franny (aka Candii) xx