Hi, Candii here,
I have a theory that you create a scene you better make sure you do have a caring factor later on the reason for this is in case trauma was created before 50 shades, to think a virgin who was assigned to this role is absolutely ridiculous.
You must make sure your submissive isn’t harmed by telling her, reassuring her and making sure all aspects of this roleplay are handled or you will get repercussions from her if she feels that she has been used, abused and taken for granted.
People take up this lifestyle for many reasons sometimes it’s an area of being controlled, why that is I guess you have to ask each person who is the submissive I am not here to tell each one of you the why people do the things they do..
Empowerment for both is foremost in roles like these both have to have a life filled with experiences that is what I believe not a virgin bride who has nothing but, innocent kisses, hugs, mainly because it is such a harsh way of experiencing a sexual kink, desire, well, that is how I look at it.
Anyone else think the same?
No matter what scene you put together never forget the aftercare. Aftercare isn’t always needed, but if it is needed, you must respect it as a key part of your emotional and physical safety for those involved. If you are unwilling or unable to wholeheartedly provide it, you must be upfront about this to the person you are playing with because failing to give needed aftercare is paramount to emotional abuse or neglect.
Consent, Consent, Consent
The first item of critical importance is to have unequivocal and clear consent to do everything you and your playmate are going to do together.
If you haven’t played before, it’s even more essential to both be 100% in agreement. If there’s any doubt or confusion, work it out until things are crystal clear.
If putting things in writing makes it easier, do it.
I personally know of many dominants who have exhaustive forms for their playmates to fill out before they do anything.
Safety, Safety, Safety
The second BDSM maxim: hope for the best and plan for the worst. This means that you should have whatever tools you need in case something goes wrong. Emergency scissors if you are doing bondage, any medications that might be needed, a phone to call an ambulance in an emergency, a friend who will check in on both of you to make sure all went well, water to drink, and – most of all – a total willingness of everyone involved to slow things down, or end the scene completely, without a moment’s hesitation.
Safety, like consent, is the most important part of any scene.
So, we have our tools and toys, we have clear consent, and we have every type of safety gear that might be needed. So, what now? How does a dominant put together a good scene?
Surprise Isn’t Your Friend
This might come as a shocker, but one thing that should not be on your mind is to surprise your playmate. I know, I know. I can hear you loud and clear: where’s the fun in that? Or, even more common, especially for people in the scene, “But my Dominant did this [unexpected thing] and it was hot, hot, hot.”
Let me clarify: there is a big difference between a surprise that is off-the-books versus one that might be pulled from an unexpected page. Let me clarify further: let’s say you have negotiated a flogging followed by a caning. Then, between the flogging and the caning, the dom lights a candle and dribbles some hot wax on the submissive.
This is a bad surprise if the submissive did not indicate that this would be OK to do. Actually, the term “bad surprise” is the wrong way to put it – this borders on sexual assault.
Putting Together a Composition
A key part of creating a scene is knowing the notes, to use a music metaphor, to the composition you will perform. A lot of this will come through experience, both giving as well as receiving. Give yourself some time to learn before trying anything overly complicated.
Because of this, keep it simple – especially if you are relatively new to BDSM or are playing with someone you are still getting to know.
A good place to start is generally called a warm-up (though what this involves will always vary from person to person). For the sake of example, let’s say our scene was negotiated once again to include a flogging followed by a caning. A warm-up could be something like a flogging with a lighter toy, something on the low-intensity range. This way, the submissive can get in the zone, so to speak, and the dom can get a feel for the submissive’s physical reactions.
After this, the dom can switch to a heavier toy, thus steadily revving up the intensity. A check between toys, or after a good length of time, is not just a great idea, but another essential one.
You have to maintain those lines of communication. If you are unsure, call a break, talk to the sub, and proceed (or not) from there.
As you get more familiar with your submissive, you can get to know what other toys and techniques you can bring to the scene, adding notes and melodies of sensation to your composition, but always maintaining those clear lines of communication.
Letting Go of Expectations
There’s a tendency, especially with people new to BDSM, that they have to plan out every single detail of the scene, like a kinky invasion of Normandy.
The problem with this is that the scene can sometimes become more important than the person being played with. As a result, the dom ends up getting disappointed or frustrated that things aren’t going to plan. Sure, you can have a basic idea of what you want to do, but be prepared to change or stop without getting a bruised ego.
Fantasies Aren’t Reality
While it might be tempting for a dom to try and make a submissive’s fantasies into reality, it takes great communication and some extensive experience, both in being a dom as well as playing with the person involved, to be able to pull it off.
While your heart (and other body parts) might be in the right place, there’s a huge difference between, say, fantasizing about being bound up in barbed wire and actually having that done in real life.
Apologies if I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but before you decide to try to make your playmate’s dreams into reality, be sure you talk it out before moving to action. Many fantasies, after all, are that for a reason.
Playing Your Composition
Music metaphor again: you have your instruments, you have your notes (the list of what your submissive needs to have happened, might be open to experiencing depending on their mood, and what they never/ever want to have happened), and you have your emergency exits all in clear sight. Now it’s time begin your performance.
There’s some room to improvise, but always within the framework of communication and consent. You both knowingly consented and clearly stated what you want out of the experience. You know what your toys do and how to get them to flow with each other, light going to heavy then maybe back to light before moving more into heavier and, in the end, you have your aftercare all set.
Yes, there’s a lot to manage, much to pay attention to, and a lot of things can go very wrong. That’s what education, experience, and thoughtfulness are for: to help you not just make things go well, but also give you tools for when they don’t.
And remember that when it comes to building a hot scene, there’s really only one overriding goal: that you both have a great time.