Archive for August 13th, 2018

A young child with long hair pushes open window of rundown blue houseWindow of tolerance is a term used to describe the zone of arousal in which a person is able to function most effectively. When people are within this zone, they are typically able to readily receive, process, and integrate information and otherwise respond to the demands of everyday life without much difficulty. This optimal window was first named as such by Dan Siegel.

WHAT IS THE WINDOW OF TOLERANCE?

When a person is within their window of tolerance, it is generally the case that the brain is functioning well and can effectively process stimuli. That person is likely to be able to reflect, think rationally, and make decisions calmly without feeling either overwhelmed or withdrawn.

During times of extreme stress, people often experience periods of either hyper- or hypo-arousal.

  • Hyper-arousal, otherwise known as the fight/flight response, is often characterized by hypervigilance, feelings of anxiety and/or panic, and racing thoughts.
  • Hypo-arousal, or a freeze response, may cause feelings of emotional numbness, emptiness, or paralysis.

In either of these states, an individual may become unable to process stimuli effectively. The prefrontal cortex region of the brain shuts down, in a manner of speaking, affecting the ability to think rationally and often leading to the development of feelings of dysregulation, which may take the form of chaotic responses or overly rigid ones. In these periods, a person can be said to be outside the window of tolerance.

Each individual’s window of tolerance is different. Those who have a narrow window of tolerance may often feel as if their emotions are intense and difficult to manage. Others with a wider window of tolerance may be able to handle intense emotions or situations without feeling like their ability to function has been significantly impacted.

The window of tolerance can also be affected by environment: people are generally more able to remain within the window when they feel safe and supported.

Most people move between these varying states of arousal from time to time. Trauma and/or extreme stress often make it more likely a person will become either hyper- or hypo-aroused.

THE WINDOW OF TOLERANCE IN RELATION TO MENTAL HEALTH

The stress of a traumatic or otherwise negative event may have the effect of “pushing” a person out of their window of tolerance. People who have experienced a traumatic event may respond to stressors, even minor ones, with extreme hyper- or hypo-arousal. As a result of their experiences, they may come to believe the world is unsafe and may operate with a window of tolerance that has become more narrow or inflexible as a result. A narrowed window of tolerance may cause people to perceive danger more readily and react to real and imagined threats with either a fight/flight response or a freeze response.

People who frequently operate outside of their window of tolerance may experience mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety.

A person who is often in a state of hyper-arousal may develop symptoms of posttraumatic stress, such as flashbacks, nightmares, and derealization. A person who is often in a state of hypo-arousal may dissociate, have memory issues, and experience feelings of depersonalization.

MANAGING THE WINDOW OF TOLERANCE

It is possible for individuals who have become dysregulated to use techniques to return to their window of tolerance. Grounding and mindfulness skills, techniques considered beneficial by many mental health experts, can often help people remain in the present moment. By focusing on the physical sensations currently being experienced, for example, people are often able to remain in the present, calming and soothing themselves enough to effectively manage extreme arousal. These techniques, and others, can be learned in therapy.

Many individuals are able to widen their window of tolerance and, by doing so, increase their sense of calm and become able to deal with stress in more adaptive ways. Therapy, which provides a safe space for people to process painful memories and emotions, can be a helpful step for many. With the help of a mental health professional, individuals are often able to make contact with their emotions without becoming so dysregulated that they cannot integrate them. Increasing emotional regulation capabilities in this way can lead to a wider window of tolerance and prevent dysregulation.

Go figure…..ha!

Sexy stories…how do you write them?


Once upon a sexual dream, I had this moment that took my breath away and challenged my existance… Some write fantasies for many reasons however for me it was to understand my own journey and it exploded into words.  However, I did struggle with why this was so adicitive.. I get it now.. but for me back then it was different because I could not see it as being real…. but it was…. sigh!!!

 

Perhaps as I think about myself all those years ago, I have to say my voice was not really present, my bubbly self was but, not my real voice, so I wrote what I wanted to say and it spelt something that really took me time to understand why I wrote some and why I wrote more specific ones that I struggled with getting to the sex bit!!

haha, laughing at this present time…

After I think if I remember 52 pages of dribble painting a picture, set and settings, I was trying to understand my curious nature on white typing virtual paper, in those days which would have been maybe 19 years ago, I wrote it to see if I understood my actions.

The more I wrote the better I got.. and let me say that shocked the shit out of me, it wasnt that I could not paint the damn picture, oh I could paint it with new colours never invented.. once I saw that.. I sprung away from my seat in total disgust.

I was in total denial, what the hell, and what am I thinking…..that moment of OMG…

Or was it? heheh

However, I was shocked at my writing efforts because it was very vivid, very detailed and very imaginative or was it?

Wow, that is all I can say!

Once I read my writing I was a bit embarrised, not ashamed at all, was a little confused and could not understand how and why I wrote it… well, I guess I could but, to really understand something you really need to invest alot of time and effort in the why’s and I didn’t do that because I wasnt quite sure what that looked like…. it was definately dirty, different, hot, and adicitive as hell, but, I am using my words now.. back then… had nothing……. if that makes sense but, what I did feel was the giggles of my dirty mind and that was a bit of a shock.

It felt like two worlds and never connecting the dots because your still experiencing the need of those times back then… I so have been such a girl of politeness, very understanding of other peoples privacy and mostly I guess it was a time of fun and having friends over for dinner and to be perfectly honest that was separate to my own life.

As time passed and experiences became more present however, never present, it was such a long time ago, and it was our life I guess, I like my privacy to be kept private I do love to tease words like blogs here with little inuendoes of openess, and understanding of myself.

I get more now then I ever did back then however, still was exciting and respectful, go figure, where does that come from… I would say that is your best quality within yourself and for those that knew well, we had our own take on life back in those days..

Blame it on something… but, never ourselves lol

All women should try should try and do a sexy, hot story, it makes your cheeks blush and gets that heart beating hot and heavy plus, it also makes your mind exercise an area that most people do not talk about.. women especially!

So, ladies get your “word out” and give it a go and type a fantasy that you would never think to do in real life.. it will definately, get your mind sexersising and that is healthy!

Then talk to your partner, husband and tell him that you have been busy expanding your mind and he will say with a bit of …okay, what? as his stare is at the footy on the TV, however this is until you mention, that you typed your sexual fantasy and let me tell you his gaze will be off that telly and onto what you just told him!!!

Men are very keen on their partners opening up a sexual fantasy that they hope they are in and let me say, remember this, you have to tell the truth or your version of the truth always type what you could see yourself doing.. or you will lead him to disappointment!

No lie!

So, how do you do that, well, you know everyone on this planet has a sexual mind, it might be a little fuzzy, or ignored or even “don’t go there” attitude but, you will put something on paper I say this with no lie!

Mine started with many short stories, I think I have at least 10 somewhere, as I wrote them I got better and better, this is because your mind gets opened to new possibilities, which i just like living life really.

With experiences your mind expands, same thing, with sexual understanding, your mind gets more sexual and your confidences gets more hungry.

Healthy, beautiful, freeing openness, never ignore that part of your creatitivity, and if your partner doesnt like it, well, rethink who you are with then!

Simple right?

Nothing is ever simple or we would be all doing it… however, those that are clever may do it but, reseaves the right to keep it to themselves…

For me, well I am selective, as hell and you better believe it, I required that taste through experience and understanding and I thank the lord for clear visions to come…

hehehehehe

So, lets talk dirty … that is coming up next…. naughty naughty! Oh brother!

End of a Journey… or Is it?


So, how does a Journey End, well, normaly,  I guess it would sound a bit like this, it is with love, respect, fabulous chemistry, trust, definately, communication that I will ever know in my life.

Then I would perhaps thank those who we had multiple times in the sack with and I would go into many experiences and even probably a sex hot story or two…right!

However, I cannot really tell a lie, it’s been close due to our minds thinking it.. is that an experience or is it a story in your head?

Hmm???

I am not an expert on the art of Sexual Taboos love to tell you a different story but, alas I would be lying, and that well, isnt me.

I guess we all have limitations and at times mostly fears mainly because we don’t tend to focus more on the positive side of life… It seems that people gravitate to a negivate picture of life rather than the positive which in fact is a damn shame.

I have a very limited sexual past damn it, that could be because I was married young, and it could also be those choices that we make in life well, end up being experiences that we need to work on further. “SHIT REALLY? NO”

For men though that old saying, “The World is my Oyster”, bless them for having that beautiful, birth right, as a man, you have the ability to do pretty much anything without even being slammed really.  I suppose that is the best part of being a male, they can sleep with as many women as they want, because let’s face it they are legends, and you know what why the “hell” not, really.best-sex-songs-of-all-time-kiiroo_2048x

So, I heard a funny news heading, the other day it was, “women have two choices, they can either be a “good girl or a “whore” unfortunately, there is no other choice for us girls.

Well, you could pick other sexual likes if you wish however, it really isnt the same is it!

So, ending of a era perhaps, it is, who really knows, no expectations ever was really set in stone, I guess if you “wave a magic wond” and the girl will turn into a slut for the evening without any repacutions, then that would be ideal, right?

Slut, what a word, jesus, that is the most horrid name a girl could be called, however, it all depends on how that is constructed in a story really, lol

I thought I was open, honest enough, I thought I did my best at connecting, loving, being a loving wife, however, I do believe, that perhaps, I was a little “wilfill”, perhaps a little “outspoken”, maybe a little “Rebellious” if you wish.

I have used bad language, but, I cannot seem to be able to cheat on any of my past partners, and definately my husband Courtney, I have loved that man since the day I met the blue eyed, long sandy, haired beach bum, that I remember walking into my home in Mt Hawthorn.

Talk about a journey of two willfill, outspoken, hugely loud individuals that we where and always have been, we have loved hard, we have fought hard but, we did both work very hard to making it to 21 years in October the 16th.

Does everything last forever, I had hoped so, who knows, it could, maybe, however, who knows what happens tomorrow perhaps if you have a crystal ball, you could tell me what our outcome will be that would be nice.

I had visioned many, many experiences of openness, honesty, trust that only those who worked hard for it could possibly master that title of a beautiful word..

Trust, true, loving, devoted, honoring, they are beautiful words that make you swoon right?, however, as we all yearn for Connection, finding that like-minded partner, we tend to walk our path which we talk about a lot..

concentrate on the path, stop looking for that damn squirrel, it will bite you, I am telling you, both of us always tend to get a bit bored on our path of life or perhaps frustrated in trying our asses off in getting there.  Suddenly, you find reasons not to walk the path and your then both with each other on the same damn path but, I always laugh about that squirrels we would always have in front of us or back of us.. all depends. (that was a joke)

friendshipsfirst

The Squirrel, is basically a term for a different route to life because I guess that is just a human aspect of our characters we all get a little stuck on something and before you know it our sight is forming on a different route because it entertains our minds.

I got a bit side tracked there, I am a little upset tonight, I guess, I am having a bit of a shit evening thinking of my future of being a counsellor and a sexologist, why? well, I guess it’s because perhaps I may not be as open-minded as I thought I could be.

I had this vision of helping those who needed our help forming a team of great minds with huge experiences, by empowering couples, singles, young adults in giving them “tools” to live a life better, happier, sexier, open with each other.
In doing this though of course I had to be open, honest, and probably think out of the box by putting ourselves in boxes that normal everyday couples don’t or wouldn’t dare.

Why? Funny, well that is how you experience life, you’re a better counsellor or sexologist by talking to couples who are out there swinging, saying and doing things that other couples wouldn’t do because well, its taboo of course.

Not just Taboo, risky, too hot for us kinda, I really didn’t get that far, nor would have maybe that’s my problem, who really knows, I listened very well, I struggled with us both having behaviour (mostly me).

Limitations due to disagreements of  little bumps  that can come up, and that worried me why? Well, because my hubby is important to me.. and I was trying to understand how this could ever work.. without drama, agruements, etc.. so you tend to watch each other and make decisions based on what you know.. and perhaps that is the wrong thing..   What you know, is what you know?

So, what if it worked out????????

That my friends is the BIG question… however, ego, pride, jealousy whichever, could get into a messy, messy moment so, perhaps we talked too much and never did it..

that isnt a bad thing.. its a loving thing.. respectful, but, not a spontanious thing… if there is no connection, understanding or even a mind that is like minded then why would you be that stupid for male on male or female oh you get my point…

Risks are BIG or NOT…. you need to work that little bugger out…. now dont you??

And many times I felt no fear and so wanted to open up turn around and see what I life I actually decided to slow it down to make sure this is what he wanted and of course I wanted as well.  Our marriage is important to us and so are our friends, family and people that we socially know and I am not one for liking that hurt factor especially, if I have never experienced a connection that we all could experience or together I really have no answer to things I don’t understand nor let alone experienced.

I did ponder and my husband did on Redhotpie, to see what was out there and many other sites, and I have written some of what I have seen and it is a bit of a difference of likes and kinks out there which is healthy and as most would call it Taboo..

voyeurisme

So, how do you know if you can do such things? GOOD question!

I guess behaviour, has alot to do with it, if your living life and enjoying your life together and growing and understanding and loving then you have no hick ups.  However, if you see hic ups, of anger, broodiness, and just not quite there yet, you tend to slow it down until you see those roses I guess.

It can possibly hinder your marriage, I have to say, it has pushed us both into a bit of disputes we seems so fustrated so you commuicate to understand why right?

Let’s face it Brave it is… it takes alot of trust, and love, and you must always, always, talk to each other especially those hard difficult talks.. you know, those talks of honesty, those are the ones that get you both hostile from time to time because you could both disagree or perhaps agree.. 

We are all different

This is good, to do, and if you can do this without a arguement then all lights are green it’s fine weather right!  Well, life isnt that simple, now is it we all have bills, fustrations, road blocks, we both have different personalities and ideas of how that looks and it is an interested talk but, at times can easily get lost in translation and a little insulting towards each other too.

This is normal though, just sometimes I guess your obsticles can get stuck a bit and we will then go into a different mindset called, “Ground hog day”, this is where we go over, and over the same talk until we are wanting the conversation STOPPED!

Sound familuar, yuppers, too familuar, but, of course it is healthy because you care and love one another and you both dont want to be misunderstood!

Well, I guess, even those taboo goers may talk about this with each other of course it would be much different because they live that life style and really it  is part of there lives so what they talk about isnt what we talk about..

I have limitations as a female, I have been in situations that you would call not good, and for me it was important to make sure that we both where safe so we spent alot of time talking and sometimes we wouldnt and those times where good times.

Life together as a couple is either easy, hard, difficult or no way, we have church on Sunday and we better eat the bread of christ so, there is no naughty naughty, right!

So, is it over?

Time will tell, and I guess, or hope it isn’t but, this isnt easy, wish at times it was, and funny enough the more you talk, the more you talk yourself out of a situation and then it turns into a spat a tac.

Fustration comes to mind, remember a good connection is all about being honest, open, trustworthy and loving if you find any of those emotions lacking then you need to refocus because it will tarnish and harm your beautiful marriage.

The yeses, become no’s and when they are questioned sometimes incequirities arise where they never rose before.. why? well, tabboo county comes to mind, and parts of your inner self does tend to get stuck on something that even a elephant may have trouble in explaining whys, could bes, of course and definately NO’s.

Just focus on your Communication, trust, openness, a want for both partners, never leave a partner back in the car park wondering which lane to park the damn car, this could take years and lots of tears..

And most definately Enjoy your lives because we only have 1 life so experienc it with openess and most of all love… very important..

man-person-taking-photo-photographer

Candii xx

%d bloggers like this: