I wanted to write about my experiences then I hesitated because it means stripping myself bare and exposing myself to the world of blogging, friends, family, partners, so I would rather talk about something similar but, separate to this sentence..
I am sorry, this is a song for my son….
Makes no sense right!
Well, that is my life most of it makes no sense but, what do you do!
Last night I couldn’t sleep I was up most of the night with night swets, feeling of shame, sadness, anger and regret I guess, nothing really motivating, encouraging, transforming, nor was it anything but, reflecting on one’s self by only feeling regret and negative.
My husband got up said, if I was okay, and I was I guess, I felt a little sad though for those I feel that should have been treated better, my son, especially.
I really never talk about this mainly because its difficult, I felt I abandoned him, no matter how I really justify this part …I did do that!
His life now is from what I see outstanding, probably very stressful, rewarding, generous in compliments, gifted, thankful, loving, abundance of greatness, happy, loving life to the extreme, well, that is what I can see sitting here in Perth, looking over to Melbourne and presuming from afar.
A lot of people must want to understand why I don’t get on a plane and tell him I am sorry, I will one day I guess, that really isn’t the reason why I don’t… Not really sure why I don’t, perhaps I don’t because of fear, rejection, a feeling of not being worthy or perhaps just all the above… or is it … why would I put him through this pain…. or is that my way saying… too hard…?
However, that isn’t why I don’t …. I will tell it him one day… not on here though, I am sorry I was wrong!
So, with that I thought of Aerosmith, songs that make you go arghhhhhh, love you forever baby boy…. miss you with all my heart and soul…
Never, ever think I don’t……