I FREEZE … because I lost my Spirit when I lost my sons love………

All my tears have been used up!

This is how I feel….. I feel lonely, sad, happy not often, I feel like my life has been wasted by false promises and I have felt let down, trodden on, I lost my soulchild 15 years ago, I found out over the weekend that my risks ran out when I lost my son love.download (9)

I found out that my spirit was broken after I lost his love and how I felt I betrayed him and after that I froze to everything and anything that could possibly hurt me again!

I freeze because I can’t lose anything else… anyone else… so I dont acknowledge those I adore because I cannot allow my heart to break one more time…

I will die…. I will trully feel that if I allowed myself to open just one more time I will break into two pieces and die….

that is how I feel… and that is what I found out last weekend….


With my moment of realisation over the weekend I realised that was pretty much correct after loosing my son I never risked myself in anything however, my blinkers where very apparent and I could not shift.

I believe that I ran out of risks after Jordan, which makes sense that was the biggest, saddest risk ever taken for me and I think if I was really truthful that I felt that losing any part of me futher would really hinder my soul.

So, I closed my mind and tried with all my might that nothing would hurt me again and this is probably why risks and chances of hope and love limits me.

Mainly because to be hurt however, after my son I really didnt think I could be hurt further than that so I closed my eyes and shut my soul just in case that what I could see would never hurt me again.

Interesting to say the least this really isn’t me is it?

So, perhaps I have hurt myself futher by not allowing myself to grow or open up my mind but, for what reason would I…?

You take all these risks for nothing in return and that is what I see now.. I take risks for nothing in return.. so why would I do this?

For what reason would I ever want to risk myself again?

Answer to that is Love… so far I am still waiting for that selfless act

I want to see what Love looks like….. I have no idea what that even feels like anymore...

Or am I being selfish and having that is too much expectation.. or am I just putting letters on a blog to sound like I understand it???  Perhaps too many what if’s and not enough real things…. who knows…. only time and openess will make my blindness go away..

Lyrics of the above song…

images (3)

Turn the magic on
to me she said…
everything you want it’s a dream away
we are legends
that’s what she told me
Turn the magic on
to me she said…
everything you want it’s a dream away
under this pressure
under this way
we are diamonds
i feel my heart beating
i feel my heart under my skyn
i feel my heart beating…
cause you make me feel
make me feel
like i’m alive again…
like i’m alive again uh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
(imma dream ada)
(imma dream ada that day)
(imma dream ada)
(imma dream ada life)
(imma dream ada)
(imma dream ada that day)
(imma dream ada)
(imma dream ada that day)
(imma dream ada)
(imma dream ada life)
(imma dream ada)
(imma dream ada that day)
Said I can’t go on
not in this way
Imma dream about that day
I’m gonnaaffirmation-for-y-letting-go-today-i-embrace-the-memory-18661654

Categories: Owner of The Candii Club
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