Today has been the best day of my entire Journey xxx

A little bit of clarity and a great conversation can open hearts and ease pains that in the past prior to my husbands and my relationship I have struggled with Trauma.

Imagine not being aware that you have Trauma and on your journey you discover areas that had not been really dealt with.. then suddenly your dealing with shit you had thought was gone and it was still lingering in the back of your subconcious like a cancer ready to destroy your free loving spirit.

Yesterday and today was beautiful a beautiful sunny day with calm and peace it made my heart beat a little slower and for a very long time I let alot of my past go and I am so damn happy.

I told a few hidden thoughts that lingered in a passive nature that was in the back of my mind however, I never told my husband because I didnt want to believe such horrible things about him so I would try and deal with this sickness that was tearing me apart.

He was so confused at my hostile behaviour and to be honest so was I.. it really did my head in.. you see a sexual trauma like rape and drugging is a very toxic experience to deal with and without understanding or at least communicating with him exactly what I felt and those triggers that I gave me in my madness .. Well it wasnt pleasant to say the least..

I was sexually abused many times however, this occation was severe to say the least this person drugged me and I blacked out totally however, I had forgotten about this part when I woke I was standing in a lounge room naked and I went into shock within a millisecond I cannot recall getting into the car I can recall driving home on the wrong side of the road.. I recalled being in bed and waking up to my flat mate in my bed uninvited having his way.. by this time I lost my mind and lost my soul which I wont go into detail of the whats, and the hows, you have to be very careful with someone that has had such a traumatic rape like I did..

My mind and thoughts are very vivid and my pride is very proud.. so most sentences will not come out of my lips because I refuse to give it attention because it can be very cruel what I do to myself…

I say to my husband that I am my worst critic.. and I am however, this occation was my worst that I had created in my head.. and I just told my husband even though I never believed my own thoughts it was the main blocker that hindered my growth and I told him today this is my thoughts that I had in my head..

He had no idea.. and I said, that is because I didnt want to ever allow it out of my lips it made me sick, it made me fear my privacy with him and it made me doubt that I could shift anymore.. and all I wanted to do is pack my bag and leave so he can meet someone that was sain..

So be very careful when you talk to someone that has had rapes like I did.. it isnt what comes out of their mouth that should scare you .. it is what may never come out and because I am just a very open and I love to talk I said, in a happy tone and a peaceful tone that this was my biggest stopper.

Always leave communication open.. try to look out of the box rather than stopping conversation that could possibly help rather than hinder..

I thank you with all my heart today and moving forward is going to be much more calmer and clearer.. thank god…xxx

5 Comments

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.