Glimpses of your past…Traumas, and present rages of yesterday…

What is PTSD…. this is what it really looks like

When something severe occurs to a person that they have no control over the worst thing anyone can do is repeat the same behaviour.love_on_mac_wallpapers_making_happy_people_770793_jpeg-1280x800.jpeg

Let me explain – it is difficult for me at times to turn down the rage or anger when ignited by a loved one – if you’re in a state of being tired, worn out after perhaps a weekend of negative behaviour with your partner or someone you care about you must be very careful of not igniting rage on a repeating behaviour.

I say this because I just realised something about myself and my partner I believe we both have area that need to be recognised or we will part our ways..712b70ec7f426d8dadeb24ab9b632c2f.jpg

It is a given fact mainly because I know I will grow to detest the same thing over and over in a stranger danger company.. I cannot ever do this again or I will go to an area of my brain where I have been before that my trust, love and respect for someone will be gone forever and never will it return.

I lived a life where I was blamed, accused, told I was nothing and it hurt like a burning iron that scorches your skin so severely that it lingered for weeks.

I have to be in a calm environment to get better within myself this is because it potentially will hurt me and I think if there is areas of my partner within himself he needs help however, I cannot help him because I am so raw myself.29eca8a91a94e4c7d29ccb246e469e5f--childhood-memories-quotes-deep-depression-quotes.jpg

Hostility is my enemy at this moment I cannot be close to anyone that  makes me feel less worthy, makes me feel that I am not worth anything, this is where I am right now.

It is no-ones fault nor do I blame anyone it just means people have their own issues and with time and hopefully the right environment they will be around people who can help them.

I can’t!

I am still very hurt, hindered and scared by parts of my life that was so traumatic it seems so unfair and so damn tragic that even I have shed so many tears, crying my eyes out on the floor of a laundry all because I was so tragically sad and full of fear and anxiety, trembling like a little girl thinking I have done something so bad.


PTSD, is the saddest most devastating, crippling, and most of all it occurs to really beautiful people who are so caring, loving and nurting, it just saddens me to tears that it is still so damn common and unfortunately, it wont go away with time.

So, how does one heal, well, both partners must understand that if it is one person that has had it .. you must look at the other persons behaviour as perhaps their past has been slighty damaged.


Peoples patterns, the same language, the same behaviour, the same temperament, the same hostility, this isn’t something that just is in them it is however, something that happened to them and if both are damaged well, that isn’t  a good combination.

So, what am I to do?



Good question, I have to really think very hard at my life, either change it or seek help to control it however, the problem that is apparent is the other persons own self.. I cannot control I wish I could but, I know now I can’t, and that is the devastating part of being with someone you adore, love.

So, I guess if I can’t change it… I need to remove myself from this environment and change it for me… and hopefully it will dwindle which I know within myself it will however, I am more worried about my partner who I adore.

That is his journey to discover within himself, I do think and I know that we cannot change something in a toxic environment when so much noise is occurring with such toxicity it kills both of us..

We do love each other more than I can even put on this blog post I just know in my heart that atm, we can’t help each other our rages are high and it hurts us both so much that we will end up hurting one another or even worse ourselves solely.

8939308.jpgHe will never think he is the problem… why do I know?

Because a few years ago neither did I

So, now I know I have my own demons to kill … he isn’t one of them.. I have too many inside me most have gone but, hostility, anger and blame along with shame, and many other negative emotions I cannot even tell you.

Trauma, events that change you – well, it is the cancer of todays society that is rampant and malignant, and at this moment right now, I have no cure of how to fix this problem that is running in my veins… and apparently his too..

I hope some of you read this.. because it is the hardest and the most sole destroying emotion that I have ever felt to this day.. and god I hope one day it stops.. hopefully, before I am too old to enjoy a life full of love, respect, and peace..images (56).jpg

Further to this example – mainly because it is coming to me now – What is it that can help, recognise, stop, understand .. for others to see if they also see a similar behavior????

If anyone that is reading this and has or witness this can you please share on this post for research purposes..

Please read what I have just learnt within less than an hour…

I am writing this as I am experiencing it.. so I now understand the area of where it comes from and how it is triggered…

What is the triggers for me:

  • For me it is the tone of another’s voice (stern, leading up to anger that tone)
  • This tone was leading to blame, fault, error, worthless (this part is really the end)
  • Same or similar behaviour pattern of talk…. if something is wrong or out-of-place the person will point the blame onto the only other person who is in the building or at home… so in this case it was me about pillows (sounds stupid but, keep following)

As you have already noted I can hear a tone, that leads to anger, frustration and body language which is interesting because body language is very easy for me to read mainly because of my past childhood understandings and frustrations of what us kids sometimes goes through as normal behaviour and extreme bad behaviour (no-ones fault) just very apparent and very repetitive over and over and over)

What occurs when this happens

Both seem to have similar traits.. as I am not sure it is just me and it could be enhanced by my own emotional state but, I will admit my partners patterns and of course same language of never, ever seeing him as being any blame.. I do have to say he could have a slight trauma due to what could be the blame factor.. his tolerance seems very low to high simular to me to extreme which would be because mine goes so quick.. to ignite..

How interesting, and as you are aware going through this now how massively destructive and that saddens me because we are all so different in our own lives as human beings.

Now, my concern is my character is or must be quite resilient, or perhaps actually is stubborn natured, however, I have noticed this didn’t occur over night I did have to re-invent my whole self when I was very young to be able to be amine to a high level of stress that was very apparent as a child.

So, you could say I created another me but with better armour that could either block out negativity anger, hostility, abusive behaviour of another which of course would end up with me coping it with the damn belt, wooden spoon.. Now I am not saying most days I didn’t deserve it I am just saying the constant hostility in the house between parents and their own personal issues was loud and angry on a ongoing basis.

I believe this tends to raise levels tolerance to a normal peaceful existence to a medium home environment then you have the areas of different levels of other family environments which of course each child would either fight within them selves to self medicate by re-invention to hurting themselves because they didn’t have that type of character that could.

Imagine, some children that do not have that resilience to be able to protect themselves – to me that is so very sad and so very dangerous and in many cases this end up with a child killing themselves because of course children end up blaming themselves for mum and dad yelling because they love them so much…

How so very sad…

images (57)

This is my personal opinion on how to help those that suffer from PTSD, you must be present within their lives, you must listen to their story, this can take days, weeks, years and decades it all depends on their trauma that they went through.

images (58)

You will know when it doesn’t hurt

Now, please listen very carefully on how to mend this souls (me included) the only way I can feel calmer, happier, softer and see better is my environment must be clear of anger, blame, abuse, accusations, any form of symptoms that represent my trauma, I am not really talking about silly beltings… of a child being naughty.. I get that understanding.

I mean the actual rape of being drugged, made to feel worthless, naked, helpless, scared, that feeling of never having a choice of what I wanted to do..

I didn’t know him very well, my lack of knowledge of stranger danger, let’s face it takes us a long time some of us to have sex or perhaps it doesn’t, for me I knew that night I wasnt interested in the young man.. perhaps he knew and took it as a given or perhaps he didnt .

The other part was a friend who should have known better so because he took and didn’t ask after a trauma like I went through of course my home was my safe place and he didnt just take that he took my trust and my future however, thankfully, now I know no one can take anything you are not willing to take back that was yours…

So, please understand… you must try to understand we are all innocent as we skip and think life is so easy, it is until it isn’t… and it isnt until you take back what is yours..

A important Message to read

No-one can take away anything… the only way they can take if you allow them the right.. after the event .. if you do .. this will potentially destroy your entire life experience and come on, do you think some stupid little creep will ever do that to you all because of his lack of his own pathetic existence is… So, take it back by sticking it back at him or them if you wish.. and once you get that factor, put your shoulders back slip on those stiletto’s, tight little black number and walk down that street like you own it with confidence.. why?

Why the Hell not!!!!


Just Love me and I will love you

Further to this part we are a unique and interesting species some of us are naturals at being self assured and some of us are not.. I guess what I am trying to say is some make good lawyers, pollies and some of us should be on a deserted Island where those have no idea how to live with society this is all about their in build born identities.

After trauma of each persons traits if you did put some thought behind my last paragraph you will understand if a person has that ability to kill you prior to extreme trauma.. my god what would that person become after a trauma event… I know I took it a bit out of scope for a moment.. just over thinking people s different types of what they call is normal behaviour.

Something to think about… hope I have helped someone at least think about symptoms and how and perhaps what could potentially turn them into the 10 most wanted.. oh, god my poor neighbours….



Anyway, thank you for those that did end up reading my post, I hope my gramma wasnt that bad, cuz I do know it is most of the time, and remember to be kind to those that have felt this and understand each person in our society is different and we all deserve respect, love, soft understanding, those moments are not traumatic behaviour they are felt by touch, and energy that I can tell you is made up of pure love and compassion.

A person’s manner can be felt by their presences.. a nasty bastard is smelt, and is very obvious to most people especially me… rotten is straight to the bone……

How have a look at what those of us have gone through and still can do…

Positive Affimations….



Categories: Owner of The Candii Club

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