A pattern of understanding…


Ever feel that even though my strength within myself is getting stronger, just not my belief however?  Perhaps, I am over thinking or not really or perhaps I expect a negitive and I am trying to apply one, I really don’t know…

If all was correct what does that look like?

Is that right?

I ask these questions because I cannot answer them it requires another mind ..  I said, to my husband yesterday, I could always make this easier.. but, perhaps because of how many layers there are it isnt ever going to be earier… let’s face it people you care about deeply you can never say anything that involves emotions is ever easy right?

Or am I over processing…? I am a women and yes, I do over process that isnt a negitive it is just me…

After I had this realisation late yesterday I was a little staggered, overwelmed with a moment of pease and it felt so bloody good I just wanted to go to sleep and enjoy it and for that little moment I wanted to fade away into a peaceful abis and I was a little annoyed because I felt very suffocated and I felt bad for feeling such a feeling..

I wanted to say just leave me alone for a moment… stop suffocating my understanding and allow me to feel something really amazing… it was so sereal and overwelming, many layers of positive It felt like a had a natural high and it felt holted because I dunno..

I felt a little let down within myself like I have this silly idea that everyone will be okay and I think that I must be in a stupid fairy tale that seems very deja vu at times..

I guess there is a part of me still a little unsure and that is okay, I guess I feel a little selfish and a little stupid because I know that it wont be okay.. and my life was for someone elses needs not mine…

It isnt anyones fault it is a pattern that I am hoping isnt true.. however could be very true.. that is okay, but, I would rather know.. and at least feel free to make decsions based on being civil rather than what all go to which is anger and hurt…

I might be incorrect but, behaviours are strong within the forse of our environment, or it could just be that we are both sick with the flu…11breathingin11

However, it is nice to be real without the bullshit… 🙂

Calmness, is a beautiful thing.. and I believe I can say all the above without negitive anger, hosility and say, I will be okay going forward if whatever comes my way…

Thank god….. ANd….. I know the above sounds confusing… that is because of how I feel atm…. real emotions can make you feel a little scrambled at times.

I think that I could be a little dilerious due to lack of sleep, mental problems and most of all I believe that I create brick throwing moments of trying to sabotage anything that could and will be perfectly fine…

So, this is my new outlook… in life.. I will try to do my best to stop this crazy belief that I will be led astray…lol which is exactly what I had hoped…AMEN

Categories: Owner of The Candii Club

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