Coming out as a Cross Dresser

Hey, Candii here,

Here are a few truths about crossdressers, my first callers in selling lingerie especially bodystockings, many heterosexual men seem to adore it the problem that I see is that many wives are not aware of this which brings me to asking why?

Is it because the man is scared of his wife finding out about his kink in case she accuses him of being gay, bisexual, weird, freak?

What do you think it is?

I think we all are in a bubble at times and we are so damn hard wired to thinking in such an old traditional and unconventional manner as being stuck in a bubble and our society seems stale, inadequate, homophobic, and simply simple-minded.

Wake up Society we seem to overlook Religious Catholic priest who get away with molesting children, however, we still go to church?

Go figure..!! 

Our wiring is so disabled and so old fashioned and so closed minded even us as partners are unaware of each others needs…

we really need to open our minds and be alot more nicer and modern with the times we are creating robots female to have sex with humans.. and that seems normal to you?

Seriously, dont you think our behaviours for 2018, seems closed up to moving forward but, still we move forward but, we seem to side step the real issues…

How about our homeless?

How about our ages care?

How about our kids whose both parents are working and we still ask ourselves why our kids have mental health issues?

People who hide habits or parts of their personality from their partner often do so out of fear of being judged or losing love or respect. Sometimes, if they own up, they do risk ruining their relationships, however being real about who we are can also force us to face the fallacies of our own assumptions.

Take, for instance, the call I received some months ago from a woman who arrived home unexpectedly one afternoon to discover her husband dressed in women’s clothes, wearing a wig and make-up. She was devastated because they have been married for several years and she was totally unaware of his habit.

When she confronted him he told her that he was too scared to tell her for fear of rejection and he thought he might just hide it from her. She could not cope and called me in total despair. Cross-dressers are usually heterosexual men who like to dress up in women’s clothes. They discover their need to cross-dress during childhood starting out by dressing up in their sister’s or mother’s clothes. They soon find out that it is not accepted and are told to stop it. They feel ashamed, become secretive and try to suppress their feelings and their desire to cross-dress.

Later in life the issue can cause a lot of distress because often they are not sure how to cope. A lot of questions and worries persist and for each person it is a different story.

There are also many misconceptions about men who cross-dress, such as:

1. They are gay.

Cross-dressers are not necessarily gay. The incidence of homosexuality or bisexuality among cross-dressers is same as in the population in general.

  1. They don’t like women.

They do. Most men who cross-dress are married.

  1. They do it for sexual gratification.

Although cross-dressing is a sexual fetish for some, the vast majority of men do not experience any arousal as a result of cross-dressing. It is simply the exploration of feminine self-expression. Some men find that cross-dressing makes them feel relaxed and helps them with stress.

4. They always wear women’s clothes.

Not true. Most may only dress up occasionally — some men often wear women’s underwear under their clothes.

5. They can be “cured”.

There is no cure as it is not an illness but a “state of being”.

For both the cross-dresser and his family, it is not an easy thing to deal with and it is very common to experience a sense of despair.

My client loves her husband and does not want to leave him. After some counselling sessions with both of them they have reached a level of compromise. For now, he will only cross-dress occasionally when she is not home and she needs some time to adjust to this newfound knowledge about her husband.

It is essential for a family member to become informed and educated by reading relevant literature to understand and come to terms with such a challenging situation. Professional counselling is a valid consideration but there are also more cost-effective options.

There are several support and social groups for cross-dressers and their family. The Seahorse Society has branches in NSW, Queensland and Victoria, The Chameleon Society in WA and the Carousel Club in SA.

The members are familiar with the issues that arise and can share their experience and offer practical advice.

Cross-dressing should not be mixed up with being transsexual or transgender, i.e. a person who is an individual with a gender identity which is not consistent with his or hers assigned gender.

It is my job as a counsellor to normalise the situation for each individual and work with them to find out what it means to them and why it is causing difficulties in their life and relationships.





Coming out as a cross-dresser to your partner can be both an exciting and terrifying moment at the same time. Whatever your specific case is, there is one thing that is true no matter the situation: the relationship dynamics will change. That is why it’s so important for you two to work things out and figure how to cope and how to keep a healthy relationship. The first thing, as usual, is my number one recommendation: be as honest as possible and be in constant communication with each other. I promise is possible to have a healthy and great heterosexual relationship as a crossdresser!

In can be somewhat challenging balancing work, kids (if you have them), chores, errands, and time to have sex and crossdress. So a little planning will be key. Don’t ever take your relationship for granted! Make sure that each of you takes time and effort into the relationship so it can continue to grow and evolve. Keep in mind trust is one of the most important things in a relationship, so if you can’t trust them or talk to them freely, it may be time to reconsider some things, if you know what I mean. And remember, if one of you, or you both are having trouble with the coming out part, go to therapy! It’s healthy, worth the investment and better in the long term, pinky swear. Remember we are not perfect and we need guidance plenty of times in our lives in order to be the best version of us and live a happy and successful life (ok, pep talk over, you can go on now)

You know how I’m always saying honesty it’s important? If your feelings or sexuality are changing over time, you need to let your partner know about them. This can range from wanting to explore other things, increase your boundaries or even thinking about transitioning, talk about it with your partner. As for the woman, consider and think if you are having any concerns or even pent-up jealousy or resentment towards your partner to ensure you don’t blow up one day because your husband has better dresses than you. Both deserve to be in the best relationship you can! Consider the other person’s feelings, be open and remember they love you and care for you. And don’t forget to breathe, it will make things easier.

Try to have at least one night a week reserved to explore each other, either sexually and/or personally (talk about your feelings). That is why it is a good idea to have one day a week reserved for a date night. If you guys don’t have much time, you can make one day a week designed to explore physically and keep notes during the week for the other to read. Kind of like a diary where you are writing about your feelings, desires, concerns, expectations, etc. This can also make things easier if you are somewhat afraid or intimated of expressing things out loud; sometimes it’s easier to write down things on paper (or a text, or an e-mail,…) than voicing them, right? Scheduling ahead will also be key in order not to miss the opportunity, so write it down on your calendars or make it “Tuesday dates” or whatever works for you. Remember this whole process is about finding out what works for both of you and your particular relationship. Good luck.

Categories: Owner of The Candii Club

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