Today was my toughest day I have had in a very long time and it is a very harsh reality when you recognize that you have a problem with your Mind like I do.
I have made a decision based on a lot of reasons which to be perfectly honest I don’t have enough energy to type why I made this decision however, I have decided to seek professional help for my PTSD and with luck I may be able to do other things than medicine to help ease the pain that comes up in rages now.
The rages are based on my belief of being hurt and abandoned I realize this came from my past and I have dealt with the understanding of how…I got this illness if you like to call it that. I had to re-invent myself many times to remove severe trauma that I suffered from those many years ago my marriage is definitely not in good shape and that really hurts my soul that it has come to this moment for me to realize that there could be a possibility that our marriage may not survive any further blasts that seem to start from me because “something triggered it” in a silly conversation.
However, this isn’t about a sentence of what we talk about it is more of how this affected me those years ago I had thought I would have dealt better these days but, this weekend it was taken to a place that hindered both of us and my husband is feeling the stress himself and I do believe he did today.
My mind seems to go into flight mode where I believe for some reason when I started this journey to fix areas of my past something terribly went wrong and it brought up years of pain and agony that I had forgotten about and I remember how much effort it took me to make sure that pain would never arise again.
You see some of us are very strong people but, as a child I was not a strong and dominant girl I was very submissive natured where I only wanted to smile, laugh and please my parents but, as my mother was so invested in my brothers disability she seemed to be angry, hostile, she had huge fights with my dad because he was never present to help her and she felt abandoned herself.
Our relationship seemed to always be volatile, I was always in the bad books never in her good books and always got into trouble so this normally was fine but, I also had a severe complex problem with never being good enough and feeling that I had to beg for my love and that has been forever in a day… Even though as an adult now it doesn’t bother me it didn’t help going back and re-visiting that area because for some reason those heavy, loaded weights came back with me this time and so did some memories that I had forgotten.
I wish in a way I didn’t visit my past because it has brought so many areas of insecurity, hostility, hurt beyond belief, betrayal, a denial of being good enough to love and many other areas that at times comes back like lightning and even though I can feel myself changing I cannot stop it as yet.
What does that mean, stop it?
I am not aware that it comes over me what occurred last night my present state is very aware of my surroundings and that is a really weird feeling it means I can read body language so damn well, that I can see how and why people react to others the way they do.
Sounds weird right? well, to be perfectly well, it is weird and odd and many other emotions I cannot even explain. Call it what you like it isn’t a bad thing, however, it comes with other areas of my personality also emerges.
I end up saying what I am thinking, I said, to my husband, wow, never saw that before but, your very magnetic when you enter a room I had thought it was a compliment because I meant no harm by saying it.
But, my husband did not agree and he was a little confusing to understand for me which made me freak out that I had done something wrong again and what this seemed to do to me was it made me become annoyed, uncomfortable, definitely wanted to leave and go home.
The more he spoke about this comment the more I seemed to get annoyed about how he interpreted it and I found myse4f saying to him, I didn’t mean it that way… the more I had to explain this the more it seemed to bring out something other than an annoyed wife.
It was like he was doing it to me on purpose, like he got off on me being upset, in fear, it felt like thqt he was doing this to me on purpose just so he can take my power away from me and that made me feel like he hated me and wanted to punish me..
The best way I can explain this it is like having a cruel person who seemed to enjoy my pain and the more it was increased the more angry and hostile I would get or I would do the polla opposite of this and that was to get upset and then I would cry and I can get to the point of wanting to leave and I pack and his anger becuase he is not coping with my shift in personality he also gets annoyed and pissed off … who wouldnt!
Today was the day of all days… dont think I dont eventually see it which then makes me aware and then if all goes well it will come down sometimes slowly however, if my husband is over me and is pissed off with getting to this stage we are both going hammer and tongs and both cannot calm down.
So, as you can see this can and has been quite an adventure of swings and roundabouts but, it isnt a fun exercise it wears you out you have regret and a total hangover of hurt lingering over your relationship like a heavy ton of weight landed on your head.
It makes me very sad and then that place isnt a good place.. to be as I tend to think that he is better off without the drama of me being this wet blanket of shit and misery which in fact isnt me.
Sigh, WTF, seems so unfair and has dented alot our relationship to be honest and it kills me seeing him like this because I find myself very selfish and misunderstood and totally embarrised and demoralised because when he says, I hurt him well, he is right by saying it…
Because I did.. and that isnt a very proud moment in my life because I do adore him and love him sometimes I wish I wasnt his wife because I feel so guilty these days and very confused about my own thoughts, feelings and actions towards him. It isnt his fault and it isnt my fault it is just a place my mind goes and with time, patienc and hopefully him sticking around to see me happier will hopefully sooner than later.
I have a problem it is PTSD, and it comes from areas of my past that hurt me, took parts of my inner self away of choice and made me feel worthless and disposable to say the least.
ALthough, when I was young I had no voice this time as an adult I do and I express it loudly, aggresively and with hostility even I take a glimpse of it and wonder who that was..
Anyway, I am sharing this with you because I know someone one day will understand what they are going through is real and to not feel alone because you do with this illness, mind manic behavior.
Time will heal me I know it will, so each day I am taking it and I will get healthier because I need to stop treating myself like I hate myself by abusing and killing myself by this mind state and of course other areas of my life that will require indeed alot of patience and strength which i know I can achieve this.
Thank you for reading and I hope your day was better than mine..