Sex, marriage, expectation, obligation and why compromise isn’t always the answer.
Hey, Candii here,
I found this post it was written a few years ago by someone else and there is much important and informative information about marriages, relationships, in fact, this is for everyone and I do believe it is valuable to read.
I believe we all have a journey independently as ourselves, our partners, friends, family so what we do as we grow older we do make … many mistakes, sometimes they are small, sometimes that could be severe, however, own yours and recognize your experiences and learn from them.
I say this because if you see a pattern that occurs don’t ignore it .. stop yourself and ponder over it… Ask yourself this… Is this a benefit of growth or is this something I need to address and alter it?
We must be aware that anything we do in our lives we must be accountable for our own actions and understand them so we can grow and decide better with a better thought process.
Let’s face it just because something feels so amazing may really not be, right!!
So, don’t beat yourselves up over it .. talk about it .. discuss it .. don’t be scared of what someone else says to you, that isn’t your business… will you get upset .. probably, so get upset, however, don’t deflect the blame that is just playing a silly game of cat and mouse, who is the responsible one that will take the blame…
Also, if you take the blame to make sure you understand completely why you’re taking the blame, I believe in each one of us having a clear voice again, it’s okay to be wrong, who said, who is wrong?
Explain why your opinion about it is valid .. try not to use I know best, maybe, it is time to use a different approach, recognize another person’s efforts in a positive manner rather telling them it is your fault and you are not getting it..
There isn’t a person on this planet that is that perfectly educated to understand everything, and if there was how damn well boring life would be if you thought so highly of your mightiness.
Let’s face it — someone saying how right based on their own assumptions is being a bit of a dumb ass, I believe using this wording isn’t going to land very well especially if someone is making them feel like a twat or stupid because they are not stupid just silly enough to listen and the energy that person or persons continual game plays all because of boredom, insecurity of the unknown and maybe just maybe you could be wrong well, at least this time..
When you listen to others and they try and help or perhaps advise we all need to be heard … We also need to be honest about our own feelings and how this looks and the only way we can do that is brave and say how you feel regardless of how it sounds..
So, every relationship, marriage, friendship that you form in your life make sure you do your best to be yourself and that is because those that care about you will give you grief or tell you to snap out of it.. or maybe just say nothing and listen because you could learn something that you didn’t know existed.
To me learning and listening are amazing and it is valuable but, with that new gift comes presents which means they can and will see your behaviors and of course your witty sense of humor that can at times including me be a little overbearing and very much hurtful and cruel.
Selfish behavior is lazy and easy to do we learn this type of silly nonsense when we are children but, we hope that we have enough understanding and enough maturity that we grow up and be the adults we should be and that is amazing to listen to someone that loves to create a world by being themselves.
Let’s face it .. life is about living not doing what everyone else does that is just too easy and well, why not praise yourself or trust yourself … we are lucky if we just allow ourselves one thing and that is….
We must always have hope and take a risk because that is allowing yourself to be a better kinder and wiser person when your open and honest enough to say… I may not know everything… and that is a good feeling because learning something every day makes you experience everything you may never have done before..
Trusting yourself and those you choose in your journey could be a positive experience!
Knowing everything is a little boring and dull plus, why on earth would anyone want to say that they are that clever???
Food for thought,
Fear of the unknown is exciting … it is better when you’re with good company…
Enjoy the read below and Good luck
“If you want him to respect your needs, then you’d better be ready to respect his in return.”
Communication and Compromise: Cornerstones of a Healthy Marriage
The article told the story of a decade-long, sexless marriage and the lack of compassion and communication afforded the sex-starved husband.
- He wanted sex.
- She didn’t.
This went on for ten years until, finally, unable to reconcile their differences — or even discuss them — he left her.
I’ve heard similar stories in the past.
Maybe not quite to the point of complete chastity, but certain relationships that involve a severe disparity of sex drives:
- he wants it twice a month, she wants it twice a day;
- he wants it once a week, she wants it once a year; etc. It happens. I can be tough to deal with.
This is where communication is important.
Now, with many conflicts and disagreements in a relationship, compromise can be an excellent way to deal with the problem.
Neither of us wants to do the dishes:
- we came to a compromise and agreed to switch off days… or I do the dishes in exchange for my partner taking care of vacuuming… or whatever might work for that particular couple.
Great! However, when it comes to disparities in sex drives, a compromise might not necessarily be the best option.
In fact, trying to compromise here may only be exchanging one problem for another!
This might mean an expectation of sex or combined finances, co-habitation or “traditional gender roles”, or any number of other things.
Some husbands are alarmed to find that their wives never intend to be mothers or home-makers.
- How will the holidays be handled?
- Are they expecting or expected to adopt each other’s family traditions?
There may be expectations surrounding all sorts of things!
Some might be easy to predict and discuss in advance, some not so much.
But the expectation is only half of the equation.
With expectation can come entitlement and obligation.
If a person expects a certain behavior or attitude from their partner, is that partner required to conform to their ideals?
- Of course not!
But could there be a sense of obligation — either implicit or explicit — tied up in all these expectations?
“If you want him to respect your needs, then you’d better be ready to respect his in return.”
Yes, respect is a two-way street and all that jazz. (Except when it isn’t, but that’s a topic for another day.)
But, what about when the needs are contradictory?
Whose needs win out?
The implication in the article seems to be that women should plan on having unwanted sex at least occasionally because that’s part of respecting his needs.
I guess it’s meant to work on a tit for tat system.
“I let you have sex with me last week so now you have to watch this chick flick with me even though you don’t want to.”
We’re respecting each other’s needs!
Well, in a way, yes, but it looks a lot like replacing one form of brokenness with another.
Let’s go back, for a moment, to the example of severely mismatched libidos.
- Why should a person be relegated to celibacy for the rest of their days just because their partner’s sex drive dried up?
- Conversely, why should a person be obligated to have unwanted things done to their body just because their desires no longer line up with their partner’s?
One option is to end the relationship.
If one or both partners have needs that are not being met, they may decide that the best thing is to leave the relationship and free themselves up for a new partner who will be more compatible.
Depending on the relationship, this might very well be the best option for all involved. It is probably one of the most common options chosen by couples with incompatible needs and desires.
It is not, however, the only option.
If they are in an otherwise loving and fulfilling relationship, there’s no reason why all that should be thrown out the window just because they have contradictory desires in one particular area.
First of all, it’s important to define the issue. If the problem is a sex drive disparity, try to work out the specifics.
- Does either partner think it’s likely that their libido will increase or decrease in the future?
- Is it just penetrative sex that’s off the table? What about other forms of intimacy?
Maybe some discussion will reveal that there is a viable compromise here.
Maybe there is a way that the more sexually active partner can have their need for intimacy met without forcing unwanted activities on the less active partner. Or maybe there aren’t.
Perhaps any form of physical intimacy would be too much for one or not enough for the other.
This does not mean that the relationship is doomed to fail!
Probably the easiest and most accessible alternative comes in the form of masturbation. Is this sufficient?
It certainly might be for some! Emotional intimacy with a partner and physical release (if not intimacy) achieved as a solo endeavor.
It may garner a raised eyebrow or strange look from outsiders, but non-monogamy could hold the key for some of these couples. Perhaps they could both find a way to have their needs met through cuckolding.
Or maybe an open marriage is the answer. Perhaps polyamory would be the best fit for this particular pair.
Any of these options could allow for one or both partners to have some subset of needs met outside of their relationship with each other.
Whether this means forming new relationships or merely ephemeral encounters is up to those involved.
Maybe the more libidinous partner could explore the world of Internet and telephone sex if that’s something both parties are comfortable with.
Again, this might not be enough intimacy for some, but for others, it might allow for a need to be filled and the rest of the relationship to function more smoothly.
This is why it’s important to define the problem and try to figure out what the parameters and requirements of the solution are.
Keep in mind that the most obvious solution may not necessarily be the right one.It may not even be a solution at all upon closer inspection!Compromise is often touted as the solution to relationship problems.And it can be… sometimes. It would probably even be fair to say that communication followed by some form of compromise is usually the best way to solve problems of disparate desires.I just feel it’s important to remember that this isn’t always the ideal path to take. And that “compromise” may not necessarily mean what we think it does, going in.
People are going to make their own choices.Sometimes these choices will conflict with the wants and needs of those they love.I feel that the challenge isn’t necessarily to avoid doing this, but to find the best possible way to deal with it when the situation does arise.Better to move forward with compassion, consideration, and creativity than to be forever paralyzed by apprehension, expectation, and obligation.