How Some Trauma Survivors Find Healing Through BDSM…


Looking up at my title I have been researching a lot lately on this subject probably the reason why at times my brain goes out of whack with both of these beautiful and respectful titles.

PTSD and BDSM

A sexual act is a healthy exercise that we all do and should be very proud of it let me tell you sex isn’t just about having children with your partner it is also so much more than we all really know.

It is a form of intimacy that both should do together as much as you both want and do it again, and again and again it will bond your relationship if you do it often and most of all enjoy it .. don’t be embarrassed about it.. we have those areas to use and at times abuse..fb3aab30cd90066cf6a6a7441f4c9ed7

Like they say, if you do not use it… well you will loose it!

I have many reasons why I want to be a Sex therapist or Sexologist I believe in loving yourself in a healthy manner and empowering yourself to be strong and able and of course most removal of terms, labels, judgment of one another.

We are sexual beings and we should embrace ourselves and those that we wish to engage in sex or have a beautiful healthy and strong life together.

Let me explain my own beliefs

As a survivor of sexual violence, I’ve found that exploring my kinks with partners I trust is a truly cathartic experience. It gives me a chance to reclaim my body as a source of pleasure—instead of anxiety or depression or trauma.

In fact, I fell into it after I left an exhausting marriage that I have to say nearly killed me why?

Wow, why? Many reasons, more than I can put on this post but the main one was it altered my real authentic self and I was tired, worn out, numb, I had become someone I didn’t even know I had altered my true self which was a natural submissive to a dominant female that did everything in my life and I had no breath left in my body!

Our marriage was a disaster and I carried him for years and I was totally spent with no energy and feeling nothing but, numb, helpless, and very angry and a little bit hostile.

Which in fact is the polla opposite of who I really was…

41747442_1919368788369101_9051061277520196259_n

A little after my divorce I was a little lost in a world that was new to me and many things changed in my world mainly me…

Through this, I’ve learned how to better communicate for myself and understand my desires… to be frank, I had thought that I was non-sexual, which means not interested in sex at all… What I didn’t know was many things about myself that time only discovered, however, what I know now about the sexual self-was I seemed to be drawn to strong men, tall men, and men that challenged me, what I didn’t know was that I made a lot of mistakes as time past but, I also learned and defined what I really desired in what type of a male that ticks my box!

As time past defining the type was interesting, to say the least – my type had to tick a lot of boxes for me to be satisfied with who I desired or who would fit the mold for me.

You have to understand that my search at times put me in a lot of danger, to be honest, and even though I was not aware of this I was after I was drugged and many other things that I would not want another to endure throughout their life.

So, now, I do understand my levels of what I like and what I know deep down the dominant level of one’s personality, however, the tricky part is this… I desire more.. and it isn’t as simple nor easy as one would expect in a woman.

I get my kinky desire now but, how could this occur?

It all depends on the persons trauma how long it affected me, how it affected me, how it changed me, and most of all I understand that my personality is a little tainted in choice and why I seem to be drawn to the “absolutely wrong”, to the WTF, and then how did that occur, not to mention is the best part…

No, way, I had not a clue she meaning me was into that type of person, to even that type of sexual activity and the levels it contained… I could go on and one.. but, I won’t in this post!43fc795ea6c745ebf42cd34bd5efb623--figure-me-out-funny-shit.jpg

However, I do enjoy selecting those that … “if you put those together that isn’t wise”, that to me is superb!  It seems my realisations and choices are exactly what I like and it works like a dream…

One day I may tell you but, at this time I am discovering why and the hows and I would rather experience them both before I explain it or if I ever do I may never!!

But, for now, let me explain how a trauma survivor could be drawn to this lifestyle and how good it could be for that person.

What is BDSM

BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism) is a powerful act that’s practiced for many different reasons. It can be a sexual practice, about power dynamics, or experiencing pain as pleasure. Play can even be used as a tool to help process trauma. BDSM is interdisciplinary, and therefore the actual practice varies for everyone in the community. That’s because kinks come in many forms—suspension play, role play, physical restriction, power exchange, administration of pain, spanking and age play just to list a few.86436ce525d7573e104227324d3d5d50--closed-doors-fifty-shades

And while there’s a lot of debate around the topic of BDSM in general, people get especially up in arms when they hear that some trauma survivors have found healing through their kinks. Though psychologists have historically pathologized kinky behavior as “Sexual Sadism and Sexual Masochism Disorders”—there is research that shows people who practice BDSM are actually less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive and have higher subjective well-being than non-kinky people. A similar U.S. study found BDSM-identified couples reported less stress as well as increased intimacy following play.

This is all to say that BDSM is a healthy and consensual form of expression—in fact, the current BDSM 4C Consent Model is based around caring, communication, consent, and caution. “Fully engaged kink insists on full presence without pretense and the willingness to connect your raw humanity to another’s raw humanity,” says sex writer Midori.

While not every trauma survivor will find BDSM healing, it has been proven to work for some because of the direct correlation between trauma work and a BDSM “scene” (the scene refers to the act of play people are practicing). “BDSM taught me to use my voice and speak out when lines had been crossed,”

Angie, a trauma survivor, tells GO. This most often works for people who are already kinky and want to use this as a tool to assist their healing.

The goal of trauma work is empowerment for the survivor.

Psychologists use a specific three-step process to work through traumatic events with their clients.

This three-step process closely mimics the three stages of a BDSM scene.

However, it’s important to remember that there’s a difference between trauma reenactment and trauma mastery.

A scene could go wrong and re-traumatize someone if they’re seeking to reenact their trauma with no boundaries or safe words. beasts.jpg

That’s basically like allowing the trauma to be in the driver’s seat of a car while barreling 100 miles per hour down the freeway in the opposite direction.

Practicing BDSM as a modality to work through trauma should be about mastering the trauma.

You should be in the driver’s seat the whole time while occasionally looking over at your trauma tucked in its booster seat.

Phase one

  • of trauma work with a psychologist is all about skills building. You work on creating stable coping mechanisms and boundaries for yourself around triggers. Which ties to the first step of a kink scene—it’s all about negotiation. You figure out with your partner(s) what everyone’s hard no’s are, what kind of play you want to participate in, what your safe words or actions are. All of this is integral for the scene to be safe and consensual.

The second step

  • for working through trauma is about mindful and controlled exposure. The therapist usually exposes their client to talking about and remembering details of the trauma in a safer space to be able to process through it. This allows the trauma to exist in a container, separate to rest of everyday life.

In a BDSM scene, the second aspect is the play.

BDSM play is a chance to experience pain, fear, excitement, arousal, and adrenalin in a safe and contained way.id-love-to-be-completely-dominated-in-bed-kinky-quotes.jpg

You get to decide what type of scene you want to do—whether the suspension, needle play or role play—and if you’re the submissive, you’re allowed to safeword out if you begin to feel triggered.

Which makes it a safer place to explore trauma.

This is very interesting because both these roles are respectful, to each other, they are drawn to the same kinky and must have this in this relationship which is – respect, safety, loyalty, consensual, the communication between these two must at all times be very present it is the highest of the BDSM reals as the most desired roleplay act two people can do and to me that is beautiful!

“Safe, sane and consensual, in this case, also means the Dom isn’t just in control, it means you are responsible for watching your subs every reaction. If the lights go out, assume the worst, not sub space*,”

* An altered state of consciousness that the BDSM community refers to as sub-space is a pleasurable and timeless, almost floating feeling due to the temporary reduction in prefrontal-cortex brain activity.

The final process for trauma work is integration. The therapist works with the client to integrate back into daily life and use the skills from step one in case of triggers. It’s basically like the savasana pose in Yoga.

If you skip that pose after a Yoga practice, you’ll feel all weird and incomplete when you leave the class.

This is all similar to the last aspect of a BDSM scene which is aftercare.

You check in with each other on how the scene was, what worked and what didn’t, and what you want to try at higher intensity next time.

This check-in can continue for a week after the experience since the way you process an experience isn’t always immediate.

After experiencing a traumatic event, where you felt utterly powerless, hopeless, feared death would result or felt invaded—taking back control over your body can be extremely empowering. It’s an act of reclamation in the face of fear.

Your body becomes a medium of healing through these cathartic scenes. Some rape survivors even choose to play out a scene similar to their rape—but with a different end result.

They walk feeling a huge sense of release and healing.

Which makes so much sense, because trauma can play in a loop in your brain until you break that cycle with different or new information.

The power of a visceral experience has been studied in psychology—mainly in a negative sense related to PTSD.

There is actually growing evidence that the reverse is true.

Scientists are now studying psychedelic therapy and how induced mystical states of intense visceral experiences can positively impact (sometimes even cure) conditions like depressionPTSD and anxiety.

This is what Angie says about herself

“When I first started exploring BDSM it definitely had nothing to do with healing.

I just wanted to explore my sexuality and BDSM seemed like a logical road to go down,” Angie tells GO. “I learned that I could establish hard boundaries during play that ended up helping me to learn to fully relax and enjoy being in the moment with my partner. I wasn’t focused on protecting myself or waiting for the other shoe to drop. After play I’ve experienced sub drop that was pretty shame intense. But because we, my partners and I, had established a relationship of trust before hand, it helped to navigate that moment.”

Angie’s experience mirrors many survivors who have felt lost in their attempts to re-navigate their sexuality after trauma. Knowing that it’s okay to experience pleasure again—especially if your trauma has somehow informed your sexual experiences—looks like something different for everyone. But you deserve pleasure.

And if BDSM can help you heal, cum and explore your trauma in a safe environment, why not allow yourself that freedom?


In conclusion of this post I believe there are many good and valuable areas of this lifestyle, however, in selecting this I suggest you really think about it and do your research on this lifestyle before entering it because it isn’t for those that think that 50 shades of bullshit is what that movie represented and not at all this lifestyle.

Me personally, I am only in the last 12 months have started to understand my own reasons to who I am and the why I do what I do… it is very important however, that you do alot of inner soul searching and find a good theraphist to understand or at least help you understand yourself .

That is the tricky part lovely ones it will be difficult to locate those that get it.. so do your research and if you do find anyone let me know because I would love to pick their brain about their thoughts on this possible theraphy that I do believe could help those that have been abused.

Love and best wishes Candii xx

 

 

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can seek help by calling the Australian Sexual Hotline is:  (08) 9227 6177

https://shq.org.au/services/sexual-health-helpline/

http://www.kinkabuse.com/physical-abuse/ptsd-and-bdsm/

Categories: Owner of The Candii Club

2 comments

  1. Thank you for this interesting, revealing, sexual post. 💖💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: