Slowly we process our past as we have moments of reflection and frustration within our own minds mainly because everyone is different for me, however, I feel a little confused and a bit angry …
(ps, this may require re-writing so bare with the areas that need work in grammar)
I get angry of being treated like a stupid foolish insecure woman who shows her emotions and is always and utterly disappointed and after she feels this low she which is me I start to get angry at myself for showing too much emotion and not enough walls …
Sounds stupid right?
I share with you positivity because of its a bit of a share, share a thing for me.. I need it too I need it so much to keep myself “real”, “grounded”, “sain”, I do blogs to help others and I do them to help myself it’s a hard, hard path I have and I have to tell you I have time that I struggle and I have times that I just want to quit!!!
Leave, go and never return, all because of how I feel about “me as a person”.
So, yes, I am so angry and so frustrated and so isolated, and sooooo pissed off for me always feeling I lost everything, which I did and I never get anything back to say it is worth me fighting for…
That is the real hard part of me… I don’t expect a return but, because I have lost everything that was me I guess… this part of me is made up of many things but, mostly it is simply this.
When I lost my son and walked away – you see this is how my son sees this picture of me.. he thinks that I walked away and left him for good… abandonment I think that is what his father said..
What a load of Bullshit!
I never in my entire life met such a toxic, nastisitic, insecure, couple that had no regard for my son or his mother both of them slanderous, unforgiving, revolting, people that seemed to suck the living good out of others to make themselves feel better by saying nasty things about another person..
The worst part … they said it to my son.. they refused to let him go out to play unless he said, nasty things about me.. that is how nasty people can be to other people.. my son was 10 years old.
I don’t understand why people have this cruelty that seems to drive them or even each other into a negative space, how on earth do you paint this picture of justifying one’s self of making another person feel responsible for someone else’s bad behavior.
I look back and I try and understand.. and all I come up with is this… I didn’t want to be married to my son’s father … I didn’t want his grandfather visiting drunk and abusive, I didn’t want to be married to a man that cheated on me.. I didn’t want to be married to a man that never fought for me as his wife… I was tired, worn out …
I was tired that my ex allowed me to be the man in the relationship while he was a man in someone else’s life just not mine… his hate even to today and justification is so ridiculous that he met a like-minded weak minded women that had the same similar insecure emotions as he did and they lived happily ever after blaming others for their bad behavior and pointing the finger at me slandering me as a bad person.
Go figure.. what a load of shit… I have never put it down on paper just how I feel about those two people that took the most precious creature of my life and poisoned his heart to hate me… both of those people I forgive but, I cannot forget what they did to severe a mothers love and a child’s mind.
I remember that day like it was yesterday I recall my sons fear of leaving his eyes excited seeing his dad and the sadness that seemed to overwhelmed him .. how did I notice this well, he is my son and I remember that look in his eyes the same I had as a kid growing up.
His body language his trembling fearful expression of his emotion his words that he told me how daddy made him feel and the fear of losing his father by telling me how he felt about me…
How toxic is that… a child going through that much fear, all because of an adults insecurity of a wife who said, many years ago, I like you but, I am not in love with you, I have no chemistry, I didn’t even know if I liked sex, I was young, we both where young enough to start again and have our own children and that to me was worth more than holding onto a man all because of societies bullshit old ways of living a sad and unfulfilling life…
Funny right, to have a life you have to lose something dear to your heart why is that?
Why does life have to cost someone’s life?
Could there of been an easier way of doing it?
So, life moved on he remarried within a year blamed me for the earth I walked on all because of his wedding bullshit story, and a girl who said, I want you to find that person that will love you better than I can… and he did and had two children… of their own, destroyed my relationship with my son and it is now 16 years later.
How did if effect me… that is another sad story… so let’s cut it short.. I lost 10 years of my own life, never had children, my partner married me, however, deep down I felt he should have left me…
For years I blamed myself for being selfish, and my heart got heavier and sadder and I was so frightened that if I did contact my son that they would do something else to hinder my son’s mind so I waited for his contact.
Finally, .. a letter came stating many things it was loud and clear in fact it made me wake up from a pit of shit… he sent me a letter that was many things but, happy outcome… No!
He told me in no nice terms of how much I didn’t deserve to hold a title of Mother… deep down I guess he was right, it took me many years to work out that it wasn’t about that it was all about him..
In fact, I discovered that I had to sacrifice my title of Mother by standing back because I knew his beautiful nature was similar to mine and at his age, the whole “tackling mother dad issues was all too much for a little man like my son. He was strong but, strength isn’t about an 11-year-old boy taking on two adults.. bullshit.. and I refused to empower his father’s insecurity by being part of his toxic negative he bashes my name all because of me saying I want a divorce.. how pathetic his Ego is that important all because of rejection.
Wow, how sad, not all the money in the world nor two children and a wife that loves him seems to calm his nasty attitude of nothing all because of rejecting him!!
Once I saw my sons reaction on a little tiny boy who tried so hard to be strong I knew someone had to take the hit and frankly it wasn’t going to by my son..
I have a saying…. “Never use a child as a tool for your own bitterness”, that is the worst a parent can do in making the other parent less than what they are truly worth because what you forget is .. once they got married and had a beautiful little boy… named Jordan, who grew up to be a very capable, hardworking, dedicated, independent Chef and a very accomplished one from what I can see from Perth.
He definitely comes from my side of the family (ME)
Well done my little boy, you have nothing to prove but, to be happy and love yourself, and bloody well have a ball, you damn well deserve it and much, much more…
Love your happy, loving mum, Franny xxx
The link below is if you search for Jordan you will see his name and he is running again for top chef for Australia he got into the finals last year 2016-2017 top 10 and he is doing it all again god bless him, I do hope he wins his food looks outstanding and delicious, what a talented man he has become all because of his own efforts.
Simply the best that is all I can say.. well not all but, enough for now.. go check this fella out..