Hey Candii here, HERE is a little of my story and what I did to heal….
True Story I am 50 years old and to be honest I have my good days and my shit days.. but, in most my days are better than they have been in a very long time…
A very long time ago (before I met my husband) this as taken me a long time to be “out” about this as it took me a very long time to understand what Once I thought I had dealt with I really didn’t at all.
I too am a survivor of rape, sexual assault and I have to say yes, sex, love, trust, happiness, strength about yourself more importantly and those that you wish to exchange your trust with or just your husband or partner this is up to you..
I must explain further about your sexual understanding and how to overcome some ASSHOLE that took something from you all because he may have slipped a mickey in your food, drink or cracked it up while swirling it around in your Esspresso Martini???!?!?!
These seven tips may not be for everyone, but they’re methods that I found to be indispensable in helping to make sex a fun, positive experience again.
Take as Much “Time to Heal” as you want
Prior to my attacks, I prided myself on being sex positive and adventurous a little odd, crazy, some would say stupid I grant you this however, why on earth would I give some fool that much intent of taking away my life?
Well, some did take away my life for a very long time indeed but, is it right?
Should they take away your beautiful nature?
Why on earth would we allow anyone to rip our hearts out and shit all over it … all because they or him or them are too smaller man to ever allow themselves a place in your heart, soul and dont think for one moment I don’t get it… I do…
So, In fact you do (when your ready) NEED to tell someone police if you wish, a therapist, doctor, a close dear friend becaue your life does matter.. and what they did or he did whoever it was NEVER allow anyone to destroy your inner spirit.
It took me a very long time to be present I was so used to sweeping my bad memories under the carpet like it was nothing but, just another day that made me feel like it was my fault..
That feeling “my fault” wow, sad hey!
Jesus, how many times I heard myself say that to me was countless, it was like me saying to god, are you punishing me, again?
So, I would think to myself alone mostly I would say, “there must be something I have to learn about me”?
Shite …. I had many moments (let’s call them that) that I said that about saying to god over and over, of course god had nothing to do with my feeling of despair about myself I was more harder on me than any person on this planet could be…
So, I guess what I am trying to say “YOUR NOT ALONE, Ladies, Men and yes, men too…”
How to heal your own body after sexual abuse
Everyone heals differently, I found that healing was removing it from my brain however, because I did this I never seemed to understand or see “dangers” it was a given that it would occur again and again until I was present to understanding or at least recognising moments of terror or anxiety or even those horrid moments of “Triggered them”.
Healing was in fact understanding how to recogise events that did not suit my needs and gave me alarm bells of being more present within myself, my surroundings and those I hung out with.. this took me years upon years to even notice them!
Being fun, crazy, bubbly isnt about being any of those great emotions it’s about opening your eyes to surroundings, behaviours, language and everything that you should do but, a didnt this means your alert, it means you are not being present within your ownself and you are putting your needs above all others.
And this is called growth, understanding, awareness, and finally self worth of you, so please understand you cannot heal until your worth is more important to you than any person on this planet…
Without you being worthy then you will not heal and you will repeat all those terrible things because frankly your self worth, of you isnt your priority and you MUST be present by loving yourself first..
Don’t Be Afraid to be sexual…. it is your right!!!
While many people might find solace in entering a trusting, monogamous relationship with a person who can help them explore their sexuality in a safe and patient environment, others can find that to be too big of a step to take at this stage. Making yourself open to consensual sexual experiences and being in complete control of them can be liberating as a coping method. It can also help to restore your faith and trust in sexual contact and relationships.
However, this is allowing your thoughts be free and then your trust in yourself on what you want to do either as a single girl, partnered, or experimental all these things are your life right to be a female.
Now be safe when picking a potential partner, fuck buddy, gal play mate, male play mate all the above whichever floats your boat…
Use a trusted friend that has your back or a system for yourself and even if you do meet someone make sure your with a mate that has your back or at least do it during the day in public and of course always have a back up plan if it ever goes sour…
Be Vocal About What You want, desire
Whether you’re having sex with a long term partner, a buddy, or a fun fling, you should never be afraid to speak up about what you’re enjoying and what you’re not. Take control over your body, your pleasure, and the moment by telling your lover what to do and where to do it. Tell them to stop if something feels wrong. Being demanding and domineering during sex can be insanely sexy for the person you’re doing it with. Most importantly, it gives you the chance to direct the experience in a way that’s healthy, positive and pleasurable.
DO NOT – Apologize (still working on this one)
The process of recovering from a sexually traumatic experience can be longer than we expect. Although we may think that we’re completely over it, sometimes the smallest thing can trigger a response that can restrict our enjoyment or desire for sex.
Personally, I’ve had entire months where I’ve not been comfortable enough to want sex, which must be tough on my long-term partner who has been nothing but patient and supportive for over 20 years that we’ve been a monogamous couple.
Our relationship from the beginning I must admit was head scratching however, kinky as it might sound (which is another post one day) there where times now looking back I must admit I should have thought twice..(get it twice – oh, never mind)
The outcome for me was me sobbing in the shower crying thinking I was a bad person and deserved the way I was being treated.. however, it wasnt bad to me I liked it I may not have understood alot about myself but, I would never had stayed if I didnt.
I am a very open honest and a little bit odd female what I like others wont.. so I can only be true to me.. and that is exactly what I love about myself..
Remember ladies, gents… we all have the freedom and the power to say no.
If they care about you then they’ll respect and understand the nuances of the word without requiring your desire for absolution from it.
This is especially important for those in a monogamous, long-term relationship with someone.
Negotiate, talk with each other, even do a contract like “50 Shades” if you wish together a list of fun, naughty, what you would do and wouldnt do and always remember to have loads of fun…..
Make sure you heal, be present and always, always put yourself first….this can open the doors to exploring their comfort zones and to enjoying the provision of pleasure for someone else without immediate gratification for yourself.
Be open honest and love yourself ladies, men, young women…. LOVE YOURSELF first…
Follow your instincts and you’ll be one step closer to understanding and achieving your own comfortable pleasure on a regular basis.