Before I start this I am using my name and my husbands name in some senario’s cuz atm… I am a little upset with my husband for yelling at me to get a point across which he didnt have to do…
If a point needs to be communicated you are best to NOT use Volume to tell it.. so let me begin… gritted teeth and all…..
“Woooosa…. Calm… myself… think of happy places…. ok let us begin..”
In cognitive therapy we focus on the way that you think about things. (which is one of many that I am studying)
When we are distressed, we have automatic thoughts — that is, thoughts that come to us spontaneously, seem true and generally go unexamined. (at this present time while I type this in a positive frame)
Sometimes your thoughts are accurate and sometimes they are biased.
But the first thing to do is to identify what you are thinking.
- Look at the list of typical thoughts that distressed couples have and ask yourself if any of these are true for you.
You can also consider alternative ways to view what is going on — as I suggest below.
Sometimes we get stuck in the way we think and then withdraw, attack or give up.
- The first question to ask is, “Is there a different way to think about this?”
You attribute a negative personality trait to your partner, leading you to believe that he or she can never change:
- “He’s passive-aggressive” twit head and I wish he would go for a flying leap!!
- “She’s neurotic,crazy, fcukwit (hate that word but, yes we use it towards each other let’s be honest now).”
- “Why doesnt he just go away and never return (never say this out loud plus I do not like saying this EVER)
As an alternative, rather than label your partner, you can look for “variability” in his behavior.
- “Sometimes he withdraws and sometimes he interacts with me.
- Let me ask him what might lead him to withdraw.”
Think about what you say to each other to make each other withdraw… we tend to trigger each other by using sentences that we so, know is either going to hurt, hinder and make sure he or she gets how angry you are when you say them!!!
Telling someones Future by putting them down.. isnt the answer but, have a glance at this below:
You forecast the future and predict that things will never get better, leaving you feeling helpless and hopeless the below we all USE it be honest…..we say this to each other:
- “He’ll never change”;
- “I’ll always be unhappy in my marriage.”
- See, exactly, it, your behaviour is not tollerated (what does this one sound like????? Seriously, your speaking to each other not a child you are raising)
- I told ya so, I knew you would say that remark!
- You never have my back, you never support me ever!!
- You like him better than me!!
- I knew you had the hots for her scrawny ASS
- I had a feeling that you are cheating on me and NOW I KNOW!!!!!
An alternative to this is to focus on specific things that you can say or do now — such as the exercises described in this piece.
Another good option is to look back at positive experiences that you have to challenge your idea that nothing will improve.
You can also play a little game called“Catch Your Partner Being Good.” Just list every positive every day and then share it with each other.
So, just in case after the above you forgot those words of positive affimations I will help you hehehe:
- Your beautiful baby thank you for getting me the Champas
- Did you do that for me, your just lovely,
- Simply this, I love you!
- Hello Handsome (I love this one)
- Your beautiful honey
- Thank you sweetheat
You might be surprised what you are doing that is working already — if you only noticed.
What is Mind_her_reading (made that up)
Mindreading is the actual word 🙂
You interpret your partner’s motivations as hostile or selfish on the basis of very little evidence:
- “You don’t care how I feel”;
- “You’re saying that because you’re trying to get back at me.”
- “Why is it that you always hurt my feelings”
- “I tell you my pain and you use it against me!!! WHY (I have used that one before)
Rather than engaging in mind-reading, you can ask your partner what he meant or how she is feeling.
Sometimes it’s beneficial to give your partner the benefit of the doubt:
- “She’s simply taking a little time to unwind or remove that broom that is shoved up her ass or his ass depending hehehe” is a better interpretation than
- “He doesn’t find me interesting, boring, sexy, pretty, intellegent.”
- He or she is boring,sexless,etc…
- I have lost that loving feeling with her/him
Then all of a sudden the goodlooking male/female neighbour down the street looks better than your own partner (what are you thinking??)
Manic or Conflict Thinking
You treat conflict or problems as if they indicate that the world has ended or that your marriage is a disaster:
- “I can’t stand her nagging”
- “It’s awful that we haven’t had sex recently.” (both havent, not just one persons fault)
- He hates me everyday
- She isnt the person I married (heard that before once or twice let me give you the hot tip)
- I hate you for calling me my mothers name!!!!! You know how I feel about that women!! (this can be directed to either sex man or women)
A better way of looking at this is that all couples face problems — some of them quite upsetting.
Rather than look at an obstacle or a problem as “terrible,” you might validate that it is difficult for both of you but that it is also an opportunity to learn new skills in communicating and interacting.
Problems can be learning experiences and can provide some new ways to grow.
You feel depressed and anxious, and you conclude that your emotions indicate that your marriage is a failure.
- “We must have a terrible marriage because I’m unhappy”;
- “I don’t have the same feelings toward him that I used to; therefore, we’re no longer in love.”
- We have grown apart that is why we have separated
- She/He doesnt get me.. but, I still love him/her so much
A better way of looking at your emotions is that your feelings may go up and down, depending on what you and your partner are doing.
Emotions are changeable and don’t always tell you about how good things can be. It’s also important to ask yourself,
“What are we doing when we feel better together?” Then do more of those positives.
You focus on the few negative experiences in your relationship and fail to recognize or recall the positives.
- You probably bring up past history in a series of complaints that sounds like you’re putting your partner on trial:
- “You were rude to me last week”;
- “You talked to that other person and ignored me entirely.”
- This is where “Catch Your Partner Doing Good” is so helpful — it allows you to look at things without the dark lens on.
- You can also keep a list of positives about your partner to remind you to put the “negatives” in perspective.
We all do dumb things at times, but it’s useful to take off the negative filter and remind ourselves of the positives.
- All-or-Nothing Thinking
You describe your interactions as being all good or all bad without examining the possibility that some experiences with your partner are positive:
- “You’re never kind toward me”
- “You never show affection”
- “You’re always negative.”
- “It’s always your fault”
- Stop Blaming me, it’s not me it’s you
Whenever you use the words “always” and “never,” try assuming that you are wrong.
For example, when Franny began looking for positives from Courtney, she realized that he was affectionate at times and that he was rewarding to her as well.
The best way to test out your distorted and biased negative thinking is to look at the facts.
Maybe the facts aren’t as terrible as they seem to be.
Discounting the Positive – putting doubt within yourself…
You may recognize the positive things in your relationship but disregard them:
- “That’s what a wife or husband, couples should do”,
- “Well, so what that he did that? It means nothing?”;
- “These are trivial things that you’re talking about.”
Every positive should be counted — it’s the only way to build up good will. In fact, if you start counting the positives rather than discounting them, they will no longer seem trivial to both of you.
Courtney, was happy to learn that the very little things that he was doing, like complimenting Franny, made a big difference to her.
This in turn made him less critical. And Courtney began keeping track of Franny positives, which helped him recognize that an occasional negative — which was probably due to depression — was outweighed by the many good things in their relationship.
You have a list of “commandments” about your relationship (when you’re depressed, upset, angry) or your partner (does also feel the same way at times) for not living up to your “best of’s.”
There is no end to these nagging negative thoughts feelings when we feel this way (we must remember to be mindful of each other)
- “My partner should always know what I want without my asking.”
- “If my partner doesn’t do what I want her to do, I should punish her.”
- “I shouldn’t ever be unhappy (bored, angry, etc.) with my partner.”
- “I shouldn’t have to work at a relationship; it should come naturally.”
- “I shouldn’t have to wait for change; it should come immediately.”
- “My partner should change first.”
- “It’s all his fault, so why should I change?”
- “If I don’t get my way, I should complain (pout, withdraw, give up, etc.).”
- “Our sex life should always be fantastic.”
- “If I’m attracted to other people, it means that I shouldn’t stay in this marriage.”
- “I should try to win in all our conflicts.”
- “My partner should accept me just the way I am.”
- “If we’re having problems it means we have an awful relationship.”
Now, be honest with yourself.
Are these “the best ofs” helping or hurting you and your relationship?
I guarantee that if you have a lot of them, you are pretty unhappy.
Rather than talk about the way things “should” be, you might consider how you can make things better.
- Replace your shoulds with “how to” and “let’s try.”
- Rather than “We should have a better sex life,” (I must admit I say this all the time in my head) you might try action statements such as
- “We can give each other a massage” or you can tie me up and spank me if I am bad (joking or am I??)
- “We can set up a time to be affectionate.”
You won’t make progress by “doing” on each other. (sounds rather rude it is suppose to be rude god help me)
Personalizing (in case you are lost this means being nice to each other)
You attribute your partner’s moods and behavior to something about yourself, or you take all the blame for the problems:
- “He’s in a bad mood because of me”;
- “If it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t have any of these problems.”
- It’s my fault he is acting like this
- I left and wanted out of the marriage!!!
- He’s a nice guy, it’s my fault this didn’t work out
- I tried and he didn’t try
It’s almost never all about one person REMEMBER THIS ONE!!
it takes two to tango and two to be miserable.
Franny was doing a lot of personalizing, thinking that Courtney wanted to be alone because he found her boring.
But really Courtney was so burned out at the end of the day that he needed a little while to cool down.
- It wasn’t about Fran’s THOUGHTS OF NEGITIVE
- It was about Courtney’s day, and how it affected him and him alone (nothing to do with me)
Remember ladies and Gents we meaning Men and Women on this wonderful Earth we are different and we do think differently and here is the HOT TIP… if you DONOT communicate this…. then your little silly mind will do it for you… so STOP thinking and start TALKING to each other (rolling the eyes at you including myself..ok, ok)
Perfectionism (using our names in this one)
You hold up a standard for a relationship that is unrealistically high and then measure your relationship by this standard. “It’s not like it was in the first year, so it’s not worth it”; “We have problems, so our relationship can’t work out.”
The problem with perfectionism is that it is bound to make you miserable.
You may think that you are holding up your ideals, but you are really putting you and your partner down.
No relationship is perfect — and no relationship needs to be perfect.
Once Courtney and Franny recognized how futile and depressing perfectionism was, they were able to work constructively on their relationship.
“I realized that we would never have exactly what we wanted from each other, but we could still get a lot our needs met,” Courtney, finally said.
It was a breakthrough to give up on having to be perfect and demanding the same from Franny.
Blaming (my favourate)
You believe that all the problems in the relationship are caused by your partner: “If it weren’t for her, we wouldn’t have these problems”; “He argues with me; that’s why we can’t get along.”
Again, there is a grain of truth in almost any negative thought, but blaming your partner will make you feel helpless and trapped.
A better way of approaching this is to take a “Let’s fix it together” approach.
You can validate each other, share responsibility for the problems, plan to catch each other being good, reward each other, plan positives together, and accept some differences.
It sure beats blaming each other and becoming victims.
Hate that word Victims…. Why did they blame me….. winge moan, winge moan, I am a Nice person….. if you are a nice person guess what…. It is none of your beez wax…
We think we help others but, what we do.. is we give the other person reasons to use what you say in an arguement and then that good news you gave them.. Guess what, they used it and they are now at each others necks with … I hate you ever after crap…
Use nice words, Try and be the best you can be… we are only human so be mindful of each other and BE NICE…
The End Franny xx
I will leave you with my new saying:
I change the World I see by first changing it with me!!
Thank you and please leave a thumbs up or down.. please comment and tell me if you agree or disagree… thank you and may you be happy within yourself first.. and foremost xxx