Archive for ‘THIS IS MY STORY’

Why do I Blog …What is the reason?


Well, to be honest I do blogs to get to understand those that are on here and this is for many reasons I have a very interesting past and I believe everything happens for a reason.

We tend to take our lives for granted and we never believe our lives are worth much which is sad because I myself have thought that many times in my own life.

I am not on here to be perfect nor am I on here to preach anything that isn’t the truth however, we do tend to have a bit of fun and poke fun at myself mostly or how I actually feel.

But, to be perfectly honest I do this to understand myself express how I feel about my eccentric life which really isn’t however, I have had life that most people would not be aware of and because I so want to complete my studying this may take me sometime as it can be difficult even for me to do.

It means I have to be present, honest, true to myself, those who read some of my piffle but, when I do write about my past sometimes it is easy and sometimes I will write it and I will delete it mainly because it scares the shit out of me for many reasons.

I don’t believe in wanting to dwell on my past but, what I do believe is our paths in our lives is very important and I so want to help those that have similar understandings and most of all help those that I know I can understand those that have walked a simular path as I have.

You see if it wasnt for some wonderful persons that need I say have helped me open my eyes to a lot of things which I thank them even though they may not think I have … So, thank you and I do love you all very much there may not be many that do know about my path but, I do wish for them to know that I do love them and I hold them very close to my heart and soul.. So, to my closest, dearest, imaginary, invisibly, visible and gorgeous souls always know that without those that held my hand and hugged my soul when I wept I thank you so very much with all of my heart and soul…

So, this is why I do this and want to help those that have been hurt through loosing a child through either divorce or wrongly accused for disgraceful ruling due to unfairly being accused or losing their child to suicide, death, tragic and even to those moms that had to let go of children due to rape, drugs, being hurt my others that should never occurred, have nearly hurt themselves due to their own despair and many other reasons that I wish to hold on further for my own growth and understanding.

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So, this is a little to why I want to be here and do what I do because I truly care for others that have been treated unfairly, truly hurtful and devastating occurrences that only those will understand inside themselves…

It is never easy nor is it something that anyone can do.. but, for me I have to do this because I want too and it is inside my own soul, self and most of all my heart cannot .. Not do it.. if that makes any sense..

So, yes, that is why I get on here rant and rave, do funny things and some really odd things it is never difficult it is frustrating because it can be hard to understand myself..

We all learn differently none of us are stupid nor are we psycho nor do we do this because someone else wants us too.. I do it because that is what I want to do… so as I grow and understand myself more I will share with you more as I grow..

Thank you, Franny xxx

Friends with Benefits aka (F’Buddy)


Hey naughty people it’s me Candii,

So, this is my favorite subject or it used to be when I was “Single”, kinda miss it actually, it’s like having this male friend with no ties, and feeling so free to talk about anything with and know all the cards are on the table!!

I like this.. why?

Well, a lot of reasons, I guess it was back in those days before I met my husband I had a place to hang out, be myself, know that the person enjoyed my company as well.  We would listen to music, discuss our problems, turn to each other when we had things on our minds and laugh and laugh and laugh.

However, the Friend with Benefits can be a little tricky, as you do form a bond with them and without you even being aware it is possible that it could become more than just F’ buddy I guess, I cannot lie!

I dunno, anyone you end up in the sack with and become in-termite with is potentially going to get close, even me, I have to curb my jealous streak, as it is in my nature to be that way inclined, however, through my years I have curbed it to a “shrug – whatever – attitude”, mainly because if you even want to make each other jealous than, that is just immature and darn right rude in my book!

Once this occurs in any relationship, friendship, marriage then it is time to leave and say give me what is mine you grommet heehaw.. in other words never treat one another with the I dont care about you attitude because that is just crap!

Let me tell you a story, I remember hanging out with this amazing tall man, let’s call him Johnny Depp, now he lived in this BIG house, I swear it was haunted, brilliant artist, and slacker in finishing anything.  Anyway, here we are upstairs listening to music, taking rude pictures, mucking around, innocently, he,he and having a fun time, then morning comes and I stroll down to his computer to do some work.

Knock, Knock, of the door, and a lovely small Asian girl, asked where is J Depp, I said, he is upstairs, go up and see him, off she goes, have no idea who she is and SMASH of something I had no idea what it was… 

Now she’s upset, see’s me and asks to speak to me, here I am, still oblivious of what has occurred and I said, with a grin, yup what’s up! (cut a long story short)

I discover J Depp, is seeing here, which I had no idea, didn’t really care, or had that oh my god, which I didn’t, cuz to me I was single and cared less whether she was …

However, still, I did feel for her, as I did say that he and I were just friends, I had forgotten about the naked poloroids upstairs, but, oh well, oops…

And it turned out Mr J Depp, had some further details that I wont mention that perhaps was more to the story, which I wont mention either, geez, Mr J Depp, naughty, naughty, boy for being greedy.

Oh, well, life is life, I do have many more other stories about others that I called F buddies, but perhaps another time to tell them..

Ps… BTW.. I never use real names and I may make it a bit more not the above though… the above is correct except a few things… just for you JW.

OOps… Cheers, Franny (aka Candii) xx

 

https://thecandiiclub.com/2018/06/24/to-a-dear-friend-and-loved-ones/

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A letter I wrote 3 years ago…


Today I was going through my papers to tidy up and I came across this which I wrote to my husband over 3 years ago.

We chattered about many things and trust me when you get a little bit older you also will chat about alot of things especially if you have both been together for a many years.

I listened very carefully to his words and I also thought with an open heart and I wrote this to him to remind him that when you marry someone or are in a relationship with someone you must understand that those underlining words are so important in any friendship, marriage that you are in or it means nothing…

So, have a read and you tell me what you think?

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Fran’s thought for today.. Embrace your Life… and Live it…. xxx


Imagine a life that you are so loved and appreciated for who you are it would be perfect right!

Alot of us including me have said alot on here but, I am going to share some fact about what I am about, I love people, love them to bits, I cannot and will not ever understand why people want to be something they are not!

We start our journey when we are born and sometimes it’s bumpy, horrid, happy, amazing, funny, and sometimes there are alot of our past that means so much with amazing memories.

 

However, I seem to see us all dwell on those times that have given us grief but, we seem to forget those other times that makes us “smile, laugh, giggle, roll around on the ground with fits of laughter”, those precious moments with your family, friends, those moments that where amazing, rediculous and darn right shocking!

I believe this, sometimes we see beauty, love, great amazing moments with loved ones but, those times when we feel so damn sad it breaks our hearts, and stops you in your tracks with dispair.

I should know I felt every, bit of them these last few months however, that noise that once was so loud, horrible that made me want to crawl into fetal position on the ground seem like a dim memory thank god!

As time goes on for me I believe that this feeling I used to feel will pass and hopefully with beautiful thoughts of walking forward will be the best times, well that is what I am hoping for.. and why the Hell not!

I wish I could fix everyone and hopefully with time and understanding maybe those few that I come across I will do my best to help them of course we cannot fix the world even though I once thought in my tiny “big ideas franny” head.

I am just a very simple chick with an open heart that cares alot about people and I share things not to shock you more to open your eyes to possibilities that you may never have thought possible or even thought before about.

It’s not that I want you all to go out there and do all those things I write about its more about awareness of what is out there, what could be something possible without those darn labels, rude remarks and slandours comments some people use when they don’t understand something or are afraid to even possibly think is possible.

We all have a right to live our lives the way we want to.. if that means that I like hanging naked upside down with a pink bikini then I will and if I want to share with you pictures I will…

Laughing, which I don’t and probably more likely wont, but, you get what I am saying I hope..hehe, just live your short beautiful life and a happy, smiling, loving and open mind.

Our minds and our hearts are the breath in our souls..

Remember that… our hearts beat, and our souls live forever….

Enjoy every moment… because before you know it .. it will be gone..

 

Everything Happens for a Reason…


This feeling of walking into YOUR own house at 11pm 6 months after you get married and after finishing a 11 long hours at a hotel at the age of 21 years of age. (Just turned)

This feeling of walking into YOUR own house at 11pm 6 months after you get married and after finishing a 11 long hours at a hotel at the age of 21 years of age. (Just turned)

This isnt a good start to any relationship at any age and after doing a long day/night at work.

Right!

We either deal with or we either ignore it or divorce it or allow it.

Sad but it does happen to some of us.

Life is as tough as you want it to be.

Or as beautiful as you want it to be.

So the motto of this story is to be honest, loving, truthful, and to love those who deserve your love and to remember just because he/she didn’t the first time it will happen one day.

So, enjoy your life because your worth it.

Just sharing mine with you xxx

What has changed for me?


I am the one on the left in Black I think I believe I was 18 years old

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Since discovering alot about myself and who I am now I believe I have changed or you could say I am changing within how I feel about alot of things.

I feel very delicate to the point of “those days of me standing up for myself”, I am tired of doing now, I really don’t want to argue or even hear someone shouting and that scares the shit out of me to be perfectly honest!

I have and cannot tell you how many years I have been around people who yell, scream, shout, tell others how disappointed they are in them, and how disappointed they are of you as a person.

I feel like I am walking on ice, it’s quite strange to be honest, and as I was in my own world when my husband came home tonight, I switched off, didn’t mean it I guess, it is because I am trying to search for my own place in this world.

Sounds morbid, sorry I really don’t mean to sound that way I am typing this as I am feeling it so don’t be surprised if you re-read it or not!  That it might change again! and stupid enough again!

I seem to type stuff and sometimes I think I have got it, then I find that I have lost it again, is this ever going to STOP?

That is my question .. can and when is my life going to mean something?  Am I ever going to feel like I mean something to someone?

I know my husband loves me however, why do I feel so like I never seem to come up to someones standards, which in fact is something I have come to understand that is what my life was and hopefully not will be continueing going forward..

It is like he will never allow me close to him, it is like he has his own scares that I had hoped he would share but, the more I grow the more he retracts  and denies himself of trusting me..

What do I have to do to help him know I am here for him.. just like he has been for me..

 

 

https://thecandiiclub.com/2018/05/30/what-has-changed-for-me/comment-page-1/

So, if anyone that wishes to comment or help me understand that I am not the only one out there that feels this way.. I would love to hear your comments… please

Life does not Come with a Road Map


Remember that your thoughts, feelings, emotions, your personal Trauma, will mean something to you, when and if you allow it too!!!

Life does not come with a Road Map now does it!!

So you have choices or do you?? and if you understand your journey in your own life you will understand that all Roads leads to ROME..

Not just 1 ROAD 🙂

Funny how all things turn out upside down, sideways, in life!

We take so long to work out our story we funnily find out that the story you work out is about who you really are.. let me sort of explain what I am trying to say…

When we live our lives and depending on the road surface, which means how bumpy it is or can be as we go through that journey we start if we are lucky enough to allow ourselves to see this.  We then start to chip away at the scenery of what is in front of you as we walk!

Our eyes start to open up and then what occurs is our vision going forward is clearer, I believe in every station has a story, however, never think that just because your past was a little rocky I guess as we walk it and this all depends of the leverage of how harsh it was to walk in the first place.

Remember that all Roads, Leads to Rome, which means, it’s okay, be a little gentle on yourself, don’t try to be so harsh and negative on how you got there.. look at where you are standing right now!

We tend to be drawn at giving ourselves such a hard time, we focus on stupid, crap, all the time, we never focus on the amazing qualities we bring to ourselves and those that are positive in our lives.

Our Earth and Our learnings are so very NEW we really an amazing miracle of life as human beings, we range in so many different levels of ourselves on this Earth and we never seem to focus on the “positives” and the “qualities” and those beautiful “ideas”, that we verbally converse with each other on a daily level.

We end up looking at levels of knowledge and education, rather than philosophy, which if you really think about it that is where we get our ideas from!

So, think back every idea we have as a human being is an idea that we either let go of or we are driven towards it because it means something to us.. Remember, knowledge is all based on a person’s idea, a persons curiosity, a persons spoken word, a persons stupid prank, a persons emotional desire to tell someone they love them and why, we hold onto those because they mean something that is important to them!

Then what we do when we like this sentence, joke, idea, strategy, we then share it to others that possibly would like it, or we share it and even though they don’t like it more than likely that person within another group will say it in jest but, without them even knowing it the like it!

Do you understand what I am trying to say?

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Everything in this world is based on our choices of “LIKE”, which either ends up on a Dictionary, Encyclapedia, or even GODS, words himself end up in the Bible, because someone said something that another person liked!

That is Knowledge!!!

That is Sexual Preference!!

That is life as simple as – Oh, I think that idea makes sense…

 

So, be kind to yourself and those that you love, words can and will matter!!

I leave you with the knowledgable and talented PINK!!

And my personal favourate “Beautiful Trauma”

 

Lyrics
We were on fire
I slashed your tires
It’s like we burned so bright we burned out
I made you chase me
I wasn’t that friendly
My love, my drug, we’re fucked up, oh
‘Cause I’ve been on the run so long they can’t find me
You waking up to remember I’m pretty
And when the chemicals leave my body
Yeah, they’re gonna find me in a hotel lobby ’cause
mm tough times they keep coming
All night laughing and fucking
Some days like I’m barely breathing
Then after we were high and the love dope died, it was you
The pill I keep taking
The nightmare I’m waking
There’s nothing, no nothing, nothing but you
My perfect rock bottom
My beautiful trauma
My love, my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my drug, we’re fucked up
You punched a hole in
The wall and I framed it
I wish I could feel things like you
Everyone’s chasing
That holy feeling
And if we don’t stay lit, we’ll blow out
Blow out
‘Cause we’ve been on the run so long they can’t find us
Who’s gonna have to die to remind us
That it feels like we chose this blindly
Now I’m gonna fuck up a hotel lobby ’cause
These tough times they keep coming
Last night I might have messed it up again
Some days like I’m barely breathing
Then after we were high and the love dope died, it was you
The pill I keep taking
The nightmare I’m waking
There’s nothing, no nothing, nothing but you
My perfect rock bottom
My beautiful trauma
My love (my love), my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my drug, we’re fucked up
Mmm tough times they keep coming
All night laughing and fucking
Some days like I’m barely breathing
Then after we were high and the love dope died, it was you
The pill I keep taking
The nightmare I’m waking
There’s nothing, no nothing, nothing but you
My perfect rock bottom
My beautiful trauma
My love, my love, my drug, oh

If you liked or agreed or disagreed with my comments above I would love to hear from you??

Good Will Hunting.. the Famous Robin Williams.. did this role beautifully!


Like I said, this tells a tail of alot of us and per say some of us, in all if we where subjected to abuse, trauma, etc, and recovered (when I say recovered i say this tongue in cheek) I will also say, with anything in life a CHILD who does survive such hideous, depending on this scale will and no doubt have a distorted outcome on their adult life.

This will vary in each of us and that level of abuse a child is subjected to.. we must understand sometimes, we unaware of our biggest Friend or Foe, the SUBCONSCIOUS MIND, this area of how we adapt is questionable!

Which means depending on what the abuse is.. if it is sexual then who can tell until the are older how they look at life sexually!!

For me well, As that famous commercial that sold alot of chicken.

“I like it like that”, Finger licking good!” ha!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/compassion-matters/201805/it-s-not-your-fault-overcoming-trauma#=_

I do agree with the above and here is the link that states it very well.. have a read

There is a famous scene in the film Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams, playing a therapist, compassionately repeats the line “It’s not your fault” to Will, a troubled young man with self-destructive tendencies, who happens to be a genius.

The line is a response to the revelation of abuse Will endured as a child.

At first, Will is dismissive of the statement, but as his therapist steadily repeats “It’s not your fault,” he becomes increasingly agitated.

Finally, he erupts into emotion, tearfully allowing the meaning of the words to sink in. This scene is a powerful signification of what trauma can do to a human being.

It is also a testament to the importance of anyone who has experienced trauma embracing the irrefutable reality that it is not their fault.

The character Will may have been a victim of what’s often referred to as “big T trauma,” which can include serious abuse or a life-threatening event.

However, a person does not have to have experienced an explicitly existential event to experience trauma. “Little t trauma” comprises events that may not sound as dramatic as that of war, devastation, or extreme violence, but that significantly impact individuals by causing them distress, fear, or pain and, therefore, change the way they see themselves, other people, and the world around them.

Too often, people seek excuses to dismiss, bury, or overlook both big and little t trauma. They may tell themselves “it was not that bad,” “others had it worse,” or “remembering won’t do any good anyway.” Or they even say things like, “I deserved it,” “I was a bad/difficult kid,” “or “yes, it was hard at the time, but it made me the strong independent person I am today.”

sneeky peeky – As the Beautiful PINK says it so well, Beautiful Trauma,

They’re resistant to facing what they endured and what it’s done to them.

Whether we try to bury or ignore it or not, the impact of a person’s trauma remains. The American Psychological Association wrote that “traumaticevents challenge an individual’s view of the world as a just, safe and predictable place.”

Back to my thoughts see my link about my own life… https://thecandiiclub.com/2018/05/29/can-you-identify-who-is-more-driven-to-suicide/https://thecandiiclub.com/2018/05/29/can-you-identify-who-is-more-driven-to-suicide/

This shake-up to a person’s very worldview changes the course of their life.

“The effects of unresolved trauma can be devastating,” wrote Dr. Peter Levine, author of Healing Trauma.

Like I said, in my previous link on this page….. https://thecandiiclub.com/2018/05/29/can-you-identify-who-is-more-driven-to-suicide/

“It can affect our habits and outlook on life, leading to addictions and poor decision-making.

It can take a toll on our family life and interpersonal relationships. It can trigger real physical pain, symptoms, and disease. And it can lead to a range of self-destructive behaviors.”

The emotional or physical abuse and the pain people have experienced early in life bends them out of shape in many ways, most of which the person is unaware. The mistreatment of an individual within a family is something my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone(link is external), has described as a “human rights violation(link is external).” He’s written extensively about the toll interpersonal pain and traumatic childhood conditions can have on a person’s freedom and expression of individuality, including that they lead to the formation of powerful psychological defenses(link is external).

“No child is born bad or sinful; rather, the psychological defenses that children form early in life are appropriate to actual situations that threaten the emerging self,” wrote(link is external) Firestone.

“These defenses attempt to cope with and minimize painful experiences and emotions suffered in one’s developmental years; however, as noted, the defensive adaptation tends to become increasingly dysfunctional.”

People who have experienced trauma may form these defensive adaptations to protect themselves early in life, but these very adaptations can go on to limit them when danger is no longer present.

Young children who’ve experienced trauma tend to internalize much of their pain, blaming themselves for their suffering and struggling with feelings of guilt and shame.

This is especially true of trauma experienced at the hands of parents and trusted family members, as young children often find it too threatening to see the faults of their parents fully.

When a child is born, trusting their parents is a matter of survival, and seeing their parent as neglectful, uncaring, or even abusive can feel like a threat to that survival.

As a result, the child forms defenses to cope with painful circumstances, and they internalize their suffering, seeing it as a reflection of some deficiency in their own personality.

They distort their image of themselves to make sense of their maltreatment and believe themselves deserving of the pain they endure. It never fails to surprise me when children as young as 5-years-old reveal their “critical inner voice(link is external)s,” harsh, self-hating attacks that they think about themselves.

Where did these ideas come from and how do they influence the child’s formation of their self?

My Captain, My Captain

Please read this Message it is addressed to you ALL…. with all my love xx


Today I wanted to share with you my journey however, I have to say I would rather not go back into my past as I feel that I am done with that drama and nothing good comes from my past apart from those who I love family, friends and my husband, oh, sorry our two dogs Bella and Chino..

I believe in good people and when I say good people I mean “family”, you see not everyone has to be of the same blood line it can be great mates who made your life easier and you made theres and then you have wonderful memories of times that have past going overseas seeing beautiful places, having memories of weddings and lovely dinners with friends.

Not everything has to be dark and gloomy.. we all have a past that can or has effected us good, bad and ugly if you wish, you are not responsible for others hurting you, you are not responsible for being bullied, you are not responsible for adult treating children badly

You are only responsible for YOU being happy which can be many forms for play like, walking down the beach with your friends, watching a movie with a close friend or family, laughing at a funny joke, taking a beautiful trip overseas with a loved one.

You see the above are simple but, easy things we all have done or are doing so enjoy this time in your life and be happy for you..

No-one can take your spirit away from you, your mind is a powerful, beautiful thing you should use it and use it wisely in a good way..  in a loving way.. our mind and our hearts are simply full with love and understanding so read those books, watch those romantic movies, take your partners outside and tell them everyday that you love them.

Love is the Key you see, my biggest love in the world is my husband I hope he knows that, never met quite a character who loves, adores and will do pretty much anything for you.. and me.. (you btw means his friends and family..and me of course)

We walk a path each and everyone of us and my thoughts are try to do the best you possibly can because if you don’t the past experiences that has occurred with stop you and disable your entire life going forward.

So, my suggestion is this try and get help (I didn’t and that is probably why I had a few hitches) I came from a age where we didn’t talk such things we where told to brush your dirt off and stand up and start walking.. so I did and it did work.

Help is amazingly good for you, don’t be scared, don’t think badly of it, sometimes it is easier to talk to someone that you do not know so they can give you a more unbiast answer to help you going forward.

I do understand each day can be difficult, I do understand somedays you can hardly breath because something inside you is struggling with each and every breath, but, with help from a Professional it will get better.

They will help you with Mental Health Plans and this will help with talking to those wonderful caring people who devote their life to helping those who cannot help themselves, I have so noticed in the last 6 months there are so many of us, us yes again we who cannot help ourselves must go and get help (ME)

All I ever really wanted to be when I grew up was TWO things.. a Mother with at least 2 children, that was my first dream to be the best I could, I tried, but, obviously not hard enough my trauma of my past was too severe I didnt realise it at the time but, I did what was right.

The second thing was to be either a missionary (I know seriously gosh I so did, or a counsellor) which is exactly what I am aiming for so, let’s cross our or not fingers and I will keep you posted… oh deary me..(sorry had a bit of a giggle)

We cannot go back, re-write the past however, we can go forward and enjoy our lives with the best of our mights and live it with those who want you in their life, love them for all your might and laugh until you cannot laugh anymore..

 

I am writing this because we are all survivors of our past so please don’t let the past effort your future by being victims..

Love Franny xxx

Remember to do this below.. and live, love and laugh..

 

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Pps.. if you got down this far… the reason I didnt become a missionary I was made to watch a movie that all 3 women died.. it was quite something… I think I was 10 years old.. (trust me I am not giggling but, sounds a bit morbid, however, I do think my parents meant no harm) 🙂

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