You will notice my repeating a sentence in some lines here this is because I was a little scattered, worried about my anxiety, and everything else that seemed to come up last night… I will go over this later to make a bit more sense but, this was my first attempt in explaining how I felt yesterday… it was not a good day at all enjoy xx
I often wonder what is a good person and what is a bad person really means?
I believe that we are all the same however, perhaps sometimes we bit off more than we can chew or perhaps we do the best we can when we can.
So, what does that mean, really?
I guess it all depends on the path that you have walked, simply, really?
Too be honest I believe there must be something in me that must make others react.. or am I reacting? Recently I have been struggling with myself.. I think that my past has become very present and it seems that I may not be a nice person?
The danger part for me is that I think that it’s time for me to see a therapist mainly because I have a freeze factor that is odd and very fustrating and to be honest wtf???
I am over this continual feeling of never being loved enough, trusted enough or even my words I seem to speak I feel like I am not believed,.
Where did that all come from?? This is not normally ME???
And that I have to continually, repeat the same thing over and over, which adds to my stress.. it hurts and I often think I have lost that husband that we once was… It is just a guess.. not his fault, Mine for being a pigheaded foolish person.
I had a bit of a shock Saturday, visiting a friend the person who was there broke my trust, he stole from me, lied, and eventually it cose me my home.
It did frighten me I was rattled and with having to see this guy, it pretty much made me on edge all weekend…
I suppose menopause had a bit of a play in hand with me over this week and it came to visit me at the wrong time in my life adding a new flavour of hostility, rage, incecurity, and so much more I cant even tell you.. My vision to be perfectly honest is suffering and I hate that blurring feeling when I am looking at people, this is very new and terrifying to me.
I want to stop this right now!!!
I do not want to feel likes this anymore, I have every moment of this feeling and to be perfectly honest, I believe my dear husband has checked out long ago.. and only says he is fine because of a sense of time, his patience, is wafer thin, and frankly, I think at times he would love to see the ASS end of me.. and that isnt funny nor a joke!
That isnt something you want to hear of feel at my age, however, if our time together has done it’s time, then that is what I would do.. I never ever wanted to hurt, blame, nor make him feel that my emotional state is me.. and unfortunately, when you both have been together for as long as we have.. perhaps our journey could come to an end …
Hopefully, not, but, I would not be surprised..
These are old emotions that I am feeling and I have the tools but, just had enough of me and my ups, downs, winging, and whatever comes next, FCK it… I am totally over my state of mind… and it is drving me MAD!!
THere was a moment where we met this person and he said, Your husband has a beautiful soul, he said that he hasnt worked me out yet…
WTF, I did giggle and think well, at least your honest, you might be a doosh but, lets call that even, do you think?
However, that did playon my mind.. thought it was actually quite rude, he tried to be nice, but, frankly, I am sorry to say this… he certainly didnt like me!!
ANd that is okay… he doesnt have too… I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy and a tad feared his rude, immature, tact of what he called was idle chit chat.. I call it, bad bloody manners…
Back to ………. ever played that stupid kids game…. I should have asked that bloke above.. i am sure he knew a few kids games… musical FREEZE, it is a bit like that… shocked into a stance of frozen??
So, what or why am I freezing?
Is it wise to revisit your trauma?
To be honest, I do feel a little, lost and a little lonely as it seems that when this extreme emotion comes over me it is exactly that I feel… all those things I felt as a kid… and more.. terrible feeling.
SIGH, so my decision to see someone to help me has been on my mind mainly because, I cannot keep feeling so helpless, I feel like a failure and that rips my heart apart especially how I can see my husband struggling with my what seems to be ‘Never ending, and that kills me.
I hope that this isn’t the case but, I feel that our relationship is being pushed to our limits.
I am not on meds however, I believe perhaps it’s time to see a ‘Mental Health Doctor, and I hope these fears and my anxiety will with time be managed and hopefully I won’t keep having these fears..
My frozen patterns are concerning it is like I block out areas mainly because I fear that my existence isn’t healthy, that total panic of even thinking it scares the shot out of me and I wish that I didn’t feel this.
My past has been somewhat a concern To me that even though I have better days it’s that fear of.. ‘what if my fear is real?’
If I am bad person I just need to understand what I have done, so I can try and mend that.. I often use humor, a strength with a touch of sarcasm, that there, is my mechanism to put up a false wall so it tends to come out saying … ‘I am strong I dont fear you,” I feel my tongue is my weakness, to try to prolong a sense of…. I hate showing my weaknesses, it scares me, makes me feel very fragile, and it took me so long to create it… to protect me.
However, I am getting tired, and extremely run down self medication, isn’t working and I am trully sorry for my behavior that is causing fustration and a detachment that I never thought would happen.
It is my issue and no ones in my current life is at fault… so, please understand that I adore my family, husband and friends, that it is me who has these moments, I wish THAT my passed was a little easier but, my endless yearning to understand others could be a problem.
Why understand, that’s the part I love about me to be open, honest, approachable, non judgmental but, for some reason I feel I am not believed, and that hurts me deeply.
Panic crosses my face, disappointment, and our journey becomes a circus ride according to me..
I am trying to study, understand, in between trying to read those minds that I feel test me so much I am empty at the end of a weekend.
How do I gain the trust without others thinking that I am just another person that’s going to hinder them,?
Which so isn’t what I am trying to do???
Please help me???
What would you do?
Am I ever going to feel normal?
My blockers? Why do I fear facing things?
I would really like some advice from those who can help me see clearer?