Tag Archive for ‘MENTAL HEALTH’

My PTSD Episode that Exploded today… I would like to share this with you…

Today was my toughest day I have had in a very long time and it is a very harsh reality when you recognize that you have a problem with your Mind like I do.

I have made a decision based on a lot of reasons which to be perfectly honest I don’t have enough energy to type why I made this decision however, I have decided to seek professional help for my PTSD and with luck I may be able to do other things than medicine to help ease the pain that comes up in rages now.

The rages are based on my belief of being hurt and abandoned I realize this came from my past and I have dealt with the understanding of how…I got this illness if you like to call it that.  I had to re-invent myself many times to remove severe trauma that I suffered from those many years ago  my marriage is definitely not in good shape and that really hurts my soul that it has come to this moment for me to realize that there could be a possibility that our marriage may not survive any further blasts that seem to start from me because “something triggered it” in a silly conversation.10606288_10152609163248863_6048585255215557283_n.jpg

However, this isn’t about a sentence of what we talk about it is more of how this affected me those years ago I had thought I would have dealt better these days but, this weekend it was taken to a place that hindered both of us and my husband is feeling the stress himself and I do believe he did today.

My mind seems to go into flight mode where I believe for some reason when I started this journey to fix areas of my past something terribly went wrong and it brought up years of pain and agony that I had forgotten about and I remember how much effort it took me to make sure that pain would never arise again.

You see some of us are very strong people but, as a child I was not a strong and dominant girl I was very submissive natured where I only wanted to smile, laugh and please my parents but, as my mother was so invested in my brothers disability she seemed to be angry, hostile, she had huge fights with my dad because he was never present to help her and she felt abandoned herself.

Our relationship seemed to always be volatile, I was always in the bad books never in her good books and always got into trouble so this normally was fine but, I also had a severe complex problem with never being good enough and feeling that I had to beg for my love and that has been forever in a day… Even though as an adult now it doesn’t bother me it didn’t help going back and re-visiting that area because for some reason those heavy, loaded weights came back with me this time and so did some memories that I had forgotten.

I wish in a way I didn’t visit my past because it has brought so many areas of insecurity, hostility, hurt beyond belief, betrayal, a denial of being good enough to love and many other areas that at times comes back like lightning and even though I can feel myself changing I cannot stop it as yet.

What does that mean, stop it?

I am not aware that it comes over me what occurred last night my present state is very aware of my surroundings and that is a really weird feeling it means I can read body language so damn well, that I can see how and why people react to others the way they do.

Sounds weird right? well, to be perfectly well, it is weird and odd and many other emotions I cannot even explain.  Call it what you like it isn’t a bad thing, however, it comes with other areas of my personality also emerges.

I end up saying what I am thinking, I said, to my husband, wow, never saw that before but, your very magnetic when you enter a room I had thought it was a compliment because I meant no harm by saying it.

But,  my husband did not agree and he was a little confusing to understand for me which made me freak out that I had done something wrong again and what this seemed to do to me was it made me become annoyed, uncomfortable, definitely wanted to leave and go home.

The more he spoke about this comment the more I seemed to get annoyed about how he interpreted it and I found myse4f saying to him, I didn’t mean it that way… the more I had to explain this the more it seemed to bring out something other than an annoyed wife.

It was like he was doing it to me on purpose, like he got off on me being upset, in fear, it felt like thqt he was doing this to me on purpose just so he can take my power away from me and that made me feel like he hated me and wanted to punish me..

The best way I can explain this it is like having a cruel person who seemed to enjoy my pain and the more it was increased the more angry and hostile I would get or I would do the polla opposite of this and that was to get upset and then I would cry and I can get to the point of wanting to leave and I pack and his anger becuase he is not coping with my shift in personality he also gets annoyed and pissed off … who wouldnt!

Today was the day of all days… dont think I dont eventually see it which then makes me aware and then if all goes well it will come down sometimes slowly however, if my husband is over me and is pissed off with getting to this stage we are both going hammer and tongs and both cannot calm down.

So, as you can see this can and has been quite an adventure of swings and roundabouts but, it isnt a fun exercise it wears you out you have regret and a total hangover of hurt lingering over your relationship like a heavy ton of weight landed on your head.

It makes me very sad and then that place isnt a good place.. to be as I tend to think that he is better off without the drama of me being this wet blanket of shit and misery which in fact isnt me.

Sigh, WTF, seems so unfair and has dented alot our relationship to be honest and it kills me seeing him like this because I find myself very selfish and misunderstood and totally embarrised and demoralised because when he says, I hurt him well, he is right by saying it…

Because I did.. and that isnt a very proud moment in my life because I do adore him and love him sometimes I wish I wasnt his wife because I feel so guilty these days and very confused about my own thoughts, feelings and actions towards him.  It isnt his fault and it isnt my fault it is just a place my mind goes and with time, patienc and hopefully  him sticking around to see me happier will hopefully sooner than later.

I have a problem it is PTSD, and it comes from areas of my past that hurt me, took parts of my inner self away of choice and made me feel worthless and disposable to say the least.

ALthough, when I was young I had no voice this time as an adult I do and I express it loudly, aggresively and with hostility even I take a glimpse of it and wonder who that was..

Anyway, I am sharing this with you because I know someone one day will understand what they are going through is real and to not feel alone because you do with this illness, mind manic behavior.

Time will heal me I know it will, so each day I am taking it and I will get healthier because I need to stop treating myself like I hate myself by abusing and killing myself by this mind state and of course other areas of my life that will require indeed alot of patience and strength which i know I can achieve this.

Thank you for reading and I hope your day was better than mine..41747442_1919368788369101_9051061277520196259_n.jpg

Franny xxx

Time for a little Change…

Hello lovelies,


As you are aware I chat on here about reflection, experiences of others and a little of myself and my past as we all do.

So, I wanted to do something different moving forward now this will be based on my Studies in the next few years for Counselling which is still pending for completion in August and of course sexologist next year.915e1ee238ac17f4e8cb103699b30392

Now, what is it that I would love you to share with me?

Well, this is completely up to you I know for some it seems difficult to open up and talk in normal circumstances however, this is a blog and blogs are used for chatting about themselves or perhaps experiences or even the main topic that the writer provides you with.

So, what topics interest you in being part of?

  • Lets look at what you would like to see more on a blog or at least what topic would interest you and make you chat about?
  • Do you like talking about issues or thoughts about sex?
  • Have you got a question that is in the back of your mind and you would like me to do some research on it for you?
  • Do you have anything that you would like to discuss with others that your stuck with?
  • Is there anything in your life that you would like me to help solve for you?
  • If you are an expert in a field what is it that you do?

Why am I asking the above?

Well, because I do have a huge heart, and I believe in sharing my thoughts this is why I share so much and hide so much so I don’t feel alone myself.  And at times more than I would like I do feel very isolated and very much alone and if you knew me, that is like caging a wild alley cat that wouldn’t be kind at all 🙂

39352800_287197282071199_6664480631281418240_n.jpgThe questions are just random however, I would love to see if we can get others that have perhaps questions, ideas, expert in fields that can help others?  I find it very important to talk about subjects of either the heart, soul, how to help one another in need or even just say your bit because that is what our mouths are for. to share ideas and help one another for all of us to grow.

Life is what you make of it.. if you don’t say your bit how are those that cannot open their mouths going to know that they are not alone in this world!giphy

We need people who help one another we do not need ostriches that put their head in the sand and say nothing…

How would that help anyone? lets face it, right!

So, if you can please add something or at least answer a few of those questions above and lets see if we can at least help 1 person.images (50)

Love and hugs Franny x

So, can you help me, help you?


A trip into the unknown LSD….

LSD and magic mushrooms can help with mental health — and may have profound things to teach us about how the mind works.

To anyone who lived through the 1960s, the proposition that psychedelic drugs might have a positive contribution to make to our mental health must sound absurd. Along with hallucinogens such as mescaline and psilocybin (that is, magic mushrooms), LSD was often blamed for bad trips that sent people to the psych ward.

These drugs could make you crazy, REALLY, WHAT MORE CRAZY THAN DOING NOTHING AT ALL!!!


  • So how is it possible, 50 years later, that researchers working at institutions such as New York University, Johns Hopkins, University of California at Los Angeles and Imperial College in London are discovering that psychedelics, when administered in a supportive therapeutic setting, can make you sane?
  • Or that they may have profound things to teach us about how the mind works and why it sometimes fails to work?

Recent trials of psilocybin, a pharmacological cousin to LSD, have demonstrated that a single guided psychedelic session can alleviate depression when drugs such as Prozac have failed; can help alcoholics and smokers to break a lifelong habit; and can help cancer patients deal with their “existential distress” at the prospect of dying. At the same time, studies im­aging the brains of people on psychedelics have opened a window on to the study of consciousness, as well as the nature of the self and spiritual experience. The 60s platitude that psychedelics would help unlock the secrets of consciousness may turn out to be not so preposterous after all.

The value of psychedelic therapy was first recognised nearly 70 years ago, only to be forgotten when what had been a promising era of research ran headlong into a nationwide moral panic in the US about LSD, beginning around 1965. With a powerful assist from Timothy Leary, the flamboyant Harvard psychology professor, psychedelics had escaped the laboratory, falling into the eager arms of the counterculture.

Timothy Leary, LSD guru who encouraged the '60s generation to "turn on, tune in, drop out”. Picture: AP
Timothy Leary, LSD guru who encouraged the ’60s generation to “turn on, tune in, drop out”. Picture: AP

Yet in the decade before that there had been 1000 published studies of LSD, involving 40,000 experimental subjects, and no fewer than six international conferences devoted to what many in the psychiatric community regarded as a wonder drug.

Compared with other psychoactive compounds, these powerful and mysterious molecules were regarded as safe — it’s virtually impossible to overdose on a psychedelic — and non-addictive. Rats in a cage presented with a lever to administer drugs such as cocaine and heroin will press it repeatedly, unto death. LSD?

That lever they press only once.

This is not to say that “bad trips” don’t happen;

  • they do, especially when the drugs are used carelessly. People at risk for schizophrenia sometimes have psychotic breaks on psychedelics, and people surely do stupid things under the influence that can get them killed. But the more extreme claims about LSD — that it scrambled users’ chromosomes or induced them to stare at the sun until blind — were debunked long ago.

It wasn’t until the 90s that a small band of researchers began to unearth what an NYU psychiatrist describes as “a buried body of knowledge” about the therapeutic potential of psychedelics. Perhaps the most promising application of the new drugs was in the treatment of alcoholism.

Few people in Alcoholics Anonymous realise that founder Bill Wilson first got sober after a mystical experience he had on a psychedelic administered to him in 1934, or that in the 50s he sought unsuccessfully to introduce LSD therapy to AA.

Moral panic in the US about LSD began around 1965. Picture: Adam Voorhes
Moral panic in the US about LSD began around 1965. Picture: Adam Voorhes

In parts of Canada during the 50s, psychedelic therapy became a standard treatment for alcoholism, and a 2012 meta-analysis of the six best-controlled trials of LSD therapy for alcohol addiction during that period found a “significant beneficial effect on alcohol misuse”.

Early studies of psychedelics for the treatment of several other indications, notably including depression and anxiety in cancer patients, also showed promise.

These first-wave studies were, by contemporary standards, poorly controlled.

That’s why many of the early experiments are being reprised using more rigorous modern methods.

The early results are preliminary but encouraging: A pilot study of psilocybin for alcohol dependence conducted at the University of New Mexico found a strong enough effect to warrant a much larger phase 2 trial now under way at NYU.

Another recent pilot study, at Johns Hopkins, looked at the potential of psilocybin to help people quit smoking, one of the hardest addictions to break.

The study was tiny and not randomised — all 15 volunteers received two or three doses of psilocybin and knew it. Following what has become the standard protocol in psychedelic therapy, volunteers stretch out on a couch in a room decorated to look like a cosy den, with spiritual knick-knacks lining the bookshelves.

They wear eyeshades and headphones (playlists typically include classical and modern instrumental works) to encourage an inward journey.

Two therapists, a man and a woman, are present for the duration.

Typically these “guides” say very little, allowing the journey to take its course, but if the experience turns frightening they will offer a comforting hand or bit of advice (“trust and let go” is a common refrain).

‘The cancer is something completely out of my control, but the fear, I realised, is not’.

  • Participant in phase 2 trials of cancer patients

The results of the pilot study were eye-popping: six months after their psychedelic session, 80 per cent of the volunteers were confirmed to have quit smoking. At the one-year mark, that figure had fallen to 67 per cent, which is still a better rate of success than the best treatment now available.

A much larger study at Hopkins is under way.

When I asked volunteers how a psilocybin trip had given them the wherewithal to quit smoking, several described an experience that pulled back the camera on the scene of their lives further than ever, giving them a new, more encompassing perspective on their behaviour.

“The universe was so great, and there were so many things you could do and see in it, that killing yourself seemed like a dumb idea,” a woman in her 60s told me. During her journey she grew feathers and flew back in time to witness various scenes in European history;

  • she also died three times, watched her soul rise from her body on a funeral pyre on the Ganges, and found herself “standing on the edge of the universe, witnessing the dawn of creation”.

“It put smoking in a whole new context,” she said. It “seemed very unimportant; it seemed kind of stupid, to be honest”.

Matthew Johnson, the psychologist who directed the study at Hopkins, says these sorts of “duh moments” are common among his volunteers.

Smokers know perfectly well that their habit is unhealthy, disgusting, expensive and unnecessary, but under the influence of psilocybin that knowledge becomes an unshakeable conviction — “something they feel in the gut and the heart”.

As Johnson puts it, “These sessions deprive people of the luxury of mindlessness” — our default state and one in which addictions flourish.

Perhaps the most significant new evidence for the therapeutic value of psychedelics arrived in a pair of phase 2 trials (conducted at Johns Hopkins and NYU and published in the Journal of Psychopharmacology in 2016) in which a single high dose of psilocybin was administered to cancer patients struggling with depression, anxiety and the fear of death or recurrence.

In these rigorous placebo-controlled trials, 80 volunteers embarked on a psychic journey that, in many cases, brought them face-to-face with their cancer, their fear and their death.

“I saw my fear … located under my rib cage,” a woman with ovarian cancer told me. “It wasn’t my tumour, it was this black mass. ‘Get the f..k out,’” she screamed aloud. “And you know what? It was gone!” Years later, her fear hasn’t returned. “The cancer is something completely out of my control, but the fear, I realised, is not.”

Eighty per cent of the Hopkins cancer patients who received psilocybin showed clinically significant reductions in standard measures of anxiety and depression, an effect that endured for at least six months after their session. Results at NYU were similar.

Curiously, the degree to which symptoms decreased in both trials correlated with the intensity of the “mystical experience” that volunteers reported, a common occurrence during a high-dose psyche­delic session.

Typically described as the dissolution of one’s ego followed by a merging of the self with nature or the universe, a mystical experience can permanently shift a person’s perspective and priorities.

The pivotal role of the mystical experience points to something novel about psychedelic therapy: it depends for its success not strictly on the action of a chemical but on the powerful psychological experience the chemical can occasion.

Few if any psychiatric interventions for anxiety and depression have demonstrated such dramatic and sustained results.

The trials were small and will have to be repeated on a larger scale before the government will consider approving the treatment. But when the researchers brought their data to the US Food and Drug Administration last year, regulators reportedly were sufficiently im­pressed to ask them to conduct a large phase 3 trial of psilocybin for depression, not only in cancer patients but also in the general population.

So how does psychedelic therapy work?

And why should the same treatment work for disorders as seemingly different as depression, addiction and anxiety?

When scientists at Imperial College began imaging the brains of people on psilocybin, they were surprised to find that the chemical, which they assumed would boost brain activity, actually reduced it, but in a specific area: the default mode network.

This is a brain network involved in “metacognitive” processes, including self-reflection, mental time travel, theory of mind (the ability to imagine mental states in others) and the generation of narratives about ourselves that help to create the sense of having a stable self over time.

The default mode network is most active when our minds are least engaged in a task — hence “default mode”.

It is where our minds go when they wander or ruminate.

The Imperial scientists found that when volunteers reported an experience of ego dissolution, magnetic resonance imag­ing scans of their brains showed a precipitous drop in activity in the default mode network, suggesting that this network may be the seat of the ego.

One way to think about the ego is as a mental construct that performs certain functions on our behalf. Chief among these are main­taining the boundary between the conscious and unconscious realms of the mind as well as the boundary between self and other.

So what happens when these boundaries fade or disappear under the influence of psychedelics?

  • Our ego defences relax, allowing unconscious material and emotions to enter our awareness and also for us to feel less separate and more connected — to other people, to nature or to the universe.
  • And in fact a renewed sense of connection is precisely what volunteers in the various trials for addiction, depression and cancer anxiety trials have all reported.

This points to what may be the most exciting reason to pursue the new science of psychedelics:

  • the possibility that it may yield a grand unified theory of mental illnesses, or at least of those common disorders that psychedelics show promise in alleviating: depression, ad­dic­tion, anxiety and obsession.

All these disorders involve uncontrollable and endlessly repeating loops of rumination that gradually shade out reality and fray our connections to other people and the natural world.

The ego becomes hyperactive, even tyrannical, enforcing rigid habits of thought and behaviour; habits that the psychedelic experience, by loosening the ego’s grip, could help us to break.

That power to disrupt mental habits and “lubricate cognition” is what Robin Carhart-Harris, the neuroscientist at Imperial College who scanned the brains of volunteers on psychedelics, sees as the key therapeutic value of the drugs.

The brain is a hierarchical system, with the default mode network at the top, serving as what he variously calls “the orchestra conductor” or “corporate executive” or “capital city”.

But as important as it is to keep order in such complex system, a brain can suffer from an excess of order too.

Depression, anxiety, obsession and the cravings of addiction could be how it feels to have a brain that has become excessively rigid or fixed in its pathways and linkages — a brain with more order than is good for it.

Carhart-Harris suggests that, by taking the default mode network offline for a time, psychedelics can, in effect, “reboot” the brain, jog it out of its accustomed grooves and open a space for new pathways to arise.

Who doesn’t sometimes feel stuck in destructive habits of thought? Or couldn’t benefit from the mental reboot that a powerful experience of awe can deliver?


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