Tag Archive for ‘ptsd’

I had a bit of a Blowout today…

thYou see I am trying my hardest to recover from my past Trauma of many, many events that I had seemed to overlooked or I had no idea just how harsh they really made me tear up without me even being aware of why.

Funny, isn’t it how something that hurt you, lamed you and hindered you over many years had such an invisible pull on this girl of 5ft’4 ratbag Italian/Irish chick of 50 years.

I was such a girl full of wild all eyes wide open so to speak, I still do by the way I have this appetite of nothing bothers me kinda spirit, however, it does, but, I only want to experience things with decent people who are similar to my like.

I will explain why…I have always been very social I adore people I mean no harm towards anyone really I don’t I am a big softy but, I will defend my dear loved ones even if I have to throw myself under a bus to protect them.  I guess the reason is they my husband a  few very (poor things) gorgeous human beings that I love and I have seen bend over backwards to help, another person and that my friends is enough for me to say hep, however, there is so many other reasons why…

It stems back to having a brother who I still adore and cherish, he does have a disability but, he will go up to the biggest bully and at least try to friend him… I love that about him, annoying but, I do say to myself, fair enough I will raise my eyebrows and go woah.. gutsy…39352800_287197282071199_6664480631281418240_n

However, as my life grew away from our local area his sister (me) could have done with a bit of a bully boy to help me through my path of life as a Single mother as you girls will know that is a tough gig and there are arse holes out there willing and waiting for something like us to mosey on by… right?

Anyway, enough of that I survived with many bruises and I had thought I dealt with many which I had.. so pat, pat for me..but, as my curiosity and my wild spirit of wanting to experience things with my husband well, it has been taxing on both of us if not others.. very sorry but, I had no idea..

I knew I had a very deep low feeling that sometimes I would sit and all of a sudden tears would pour out of my eyes and I was suddenly feeling sad, upset and heavy like someone had sat on my head… Another trigger was this “tunnel vision” I could not for the life of me as time went by the turnaround or go around my own home just in case…. I guess..

However, I found out it was a little different really it was more about a very clever and respectful subconscious that decided to peer its little sassy head into my head (me) and say you’re not ready and neither is your husband…1521830997_life-quotes-inspiration-30-inspirational-quotes-for-the-women-who-are-strong-at-heart-trend-to-wear

Shhh, well, he may not agree with him being put in that sentence but, Now I am angry at him because he’s annoying and a pest because he knows how easy it is… but, the smart alec won’t help ….. asshole…love him but, still grrrrr…

Anyway, I have been a tad overbearing with my dogs… sorry Bella and Chino, oh yes and my husband… and other… lol… woops… well, until he says anything I am stuck so take it out on him….No means No… and I get that…   (oh, yes that was Trauma that is seeping into my membrane) it will be out soon.. I guarantee.. even if I have to implant my Minions myself…. into my nose …. that is stupid.. but, that is what PTSD is people…

Bloody hell, indeed, however, I get his point more than he knows and to be perfectly honest putting my thoughts, feelings (new neurons are forming) damn it… I am now dealing with being a smuck… of a feeling mother of god…

So, at the moment I will do my best to deal… and I guess feel … joking ..sort of and I will explain to my husband and those that are close to us … well, actually that isn’t many anymore… which is a problem our circle is slightly off centre…

I am trying to be the best person I can be walking forward and that is okay…. I am extremely happy however, I am also trying to rid a cancerous malignant enemy that hurt me so I will update you all about that another time..

It is amazing that being hurt, fearing something that was so long ago shouldn’t make you disabled.. but, unfortunately, lovely people it will if you don’t deal with you…

Many blessings… Franny xx



What…………. triggers Me?

It is a double edge sword talking and typing about the above…”Triggers”, because potentially I could actually trigger myself by putting down these points which I am and will show you…. what triggers trigger me…


So, let’s explain what this means for someone who has passed trauma….. let’s start off with explaining this below

What are Triggers.. well they are simply…

A trigger is anything that causes your PTSD symptoms to occur. Triggers are detected by your senses (sight, sound, touch, taste and smell). A trigger may involve only one sense or it may involve many of your senses. Triggers can remind you directly or indirectly of some aspect of the trauma.

My Triggers are based on my past which means simply – even though things that “did” occurs doesn’t matter “now” (notice I am using a different language by saying .. did and now?)  they can potentially depending on my mood presently “could trigger a subconscious thought”, does that make sense?


My triggers that seem to do this are below

  • Silence is a NO, NO, with me! 
  • Anger by another or even myself!
  • Drugs that alter my thoughts 
  • Sadness – despair is a trigger that can bring me down
  • Abusive behaviour
  • Yelling, screaming, anger, hostility
  • argument with a loved one
  • Fear of being taken advantage of
  • Fear of betrayal
  • Secrets that people keep that I care about – it makes me feel that I am not important to them so I decline very quickly
  • Being Ignored by someone I care about – this makes me feel like I have done something wrong.. which makes me want to fix it..by being a little over baring…
  • Hostile – if someone acts angry towards me I tend to go into my own protective shield by either going quite which only lasts a few moments to hostile anger… which can potentially be sole destroying for me.
  • Isolation is good and bad for me…. it makes me feel like I am worthless to anyone so I can isolate myself by being busy…
  • Lying… people who lie

Never try and hurt those that have already been there as it is a possibility for that person (me) to take longer to return back to a normal reasoning…

That was difficult to type those things above with time and more understanding about me I will share with you that could help those that have the same as what I suffer from…

What helps me recover or calms me?

  • kindness
  • calmness
  • being loved which makes me love and understand better
  • never use anger towards me
  • laughing a lot, I love to laugh, hard…. just do…hehehe
  • Joking I adore it
  • People that make me smile I loveeeeee so much
  • Tell me how much you life me or love me.. or hate me.. if you wish
  • DON’T lie


Just be a kind person and you will have me for a life time… sounds a bit selfish of me..

But, that is a new feeling so please don’t think I am doing this to be selfish..it’s an emotion that is rather new to me to understand..

Lying reminds me of my childhood.. so please we all lie to a point… just try to be kinder to one another.. because when you add too much to something it really isn’t being authentic.. is it???

Later gater… Franny xxx


What are your TRIGGERS?

Why do they Trigger you?

Do you agree with what I said about about triggers?

Relationships MindSets…STOP the Bullshit and Start the GOOD SHIT!!

Disconnecting yourself by denying that it is possible to allow yourself to be Free of Fear…

This is about being present, talking about ones self by only using honesty and trusting your self firstly by letting go of past issues and trusting those chosen few that have been beside you still now.. bella, chino, the homeless person down the street… 

I believe in many, many things recently however, I wanted to share with you what I mean by letting go and trusting yourself and those who you allow to be in your life.

This post is about letting go of experiences that hurt you, that really truly tested your soul and could have made you do or perhaps stop you from living a life without regret.

I hope and with time I know as everyday my life is either struggling with issues or perhaps it is like a clear sunny day, I will not lie to you as I believe in being honest about me and how I see things going forward of course everything in life is never that set so I will say it better nothing has been mapped out so I am very aware that the future is much more open to experiences.

Imagine being Free of Fear.. Imagine trusting others is possible…

We repeat because new wiring is being planted into your brain and you are opening up areas that make you see life with a more free, loving, trusting nature… and that is amazingly brave of anyone to even think, feel or do such things…

Trauma, is a major problem in our society and will always be present unfortunately, however, we all are survivors and never, ever victims this is important for you to understand…

Without help some trauma victims never regain from that black pit of ourselves because our negative heaviness is so massive our minds cannot feel, see it , understand it or even put the damn thing in a sentence all because of this moment in your life that hurt you, made you feel betrayed and ashamed it was such a negitive drain that it wired it like lead into your mind and to remove it is like someone getting a saw and hacking at your thoughts and feelings just to help you see differently…

Your life is prescious, so DO NOT, allow your attackers to disable your future going forward…

For the last few years I have to say I have a mixed bag of emotions, mainly because that as a married couple with no children however, we do have these two gorgeous 4 legged hounds.. Bella and Chino, who reflects both personalities..of myself and my husband… however, he is definitely their favourite!

Anyway, our journey has taken us many beautiful shifting moments and many extremely emotional ones, it has tested us both as a couple, our values, how we work together as a couple, its made me start to have fears this was brought out while we would heat up after a discussion or you could say debate of the passive aggressive….

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However, it seemed to be mainly focused on a few area of my own mortality and this means going back and without me even understanding why to revisit my past… Yipes, many conversations some very funny, which is what I do when I talk about me or anything to do with me really I turn to humour to lighten the mood.. just incase the Volcano of a hidden Country at our home erupts and imploded the neighbours.

No-one is amune to Trauma, Depression, Anxiety even being Fearful…not even you MEN!!!

We noticed that even though I dealt with a lot of my past …. well, I really didn’t and I was a little upset about that I always without thinking give myself a hard time about how stupid, week, foolish, mouth, that I don’t ever make any sense and the language I used to use was too confusing and this made me think that I needed to find out why I had a few areas that annoyed me around speech and other things I noticed I could not face anything that could possibly in my mind hurt me..


I was frozen solid and fearful of being all those horrid words about by those that I cared about or really thought which was silly but, I do so understand my feelings more now to the why I felt this..

Sometimes life gives us journeys to teach us many factors that we many be struggling with and this follows our path with us as we grow up or get older, or marry, have children and so on…. a friend of mine said, “You know that old story Fifi, if you don’t deal with it head on it will keep reminding you, to do so!”

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Our weekly chats when I was struggling to understand myself and him for that matter it then reared yet again and it would be stronger with a fear factor touch to it and the anxiety, most of all which I really hated the fear of being hurt, unloved, rejected, and not important those words I know are just words but, to me I was scared.. totally petrified that this emotional revoltingness was going to remain and my life that I thought was fine was a mere lie and I was just a joke for someone or others to laugh at when bored.. (see how I worded it revolting that language i used reminding me of those days that I was hurt, so your subconscious mind is so strong it will creep up and bite you on your butt with sharp teeth and deny you of trusting again)

Your subconcious only knows what you told it to know….

This negativity that holds so tightly is only brought up because your subconscious is alarming you of that same feeling and how did that make you feel?

You got hurt, you got drugged, you were told by your best friends that you stole money from a business and your felt betrayed, hurt, they made you feel emotions that you never thought they would make you feel so your trust that you had once decreases until you have none for anyone else…


Even your wife, your friends, family members as well.. I did it.. I am still doing it.. but, you are doing it to you and your making me feel bad because you cannot allow yourself to trust me so you put this doubt in me… and then you are happy again because that feeling of negativity, fear is now passed onto that person you love.. not you…

Teach your subconcious another way to communitcate our Subconcious can be kind too so remember to be kind to you…

Before anyone says this…. it isn’t your fault, it is a wiring bonded emotional neuron that has been wired so solid inside your brain because once … you were hurt, you were betrayed by people who you once loved and held so highly…


So hopefully Honey, and those that care so much about us it is our turn to try to make sure with each time these emotions arise to recognise them and not get angry at another or fear that area that can bring your emotions down and affect you and those you would rather not affect..

STOP BLAMING others… and start training your brain to trust your positive thoughts…

Trauma and PSTN, both or even Rape are very soul-destroying emotions of deep darkness that I from time to time had and when they appeared they hurt like someone had stabbed me with a sharp knife and twisted it so harshly my gutts right then fell to the floor..

Sounds dramatic I know but, without a word of a lie that is exactly how I felt .. and I knew it wasnt real.. I just never could deal with it because frankly I didn’t have the understanding (tools) to deal with it.. So, I learned to understand them and it made me reflect about areas of my past childhood, young teen, young adult, wife, mother, ex-wife, single mother, and it was so life changing in many events and so damn life destroying in other events in my life..

Being nieve and honest people didn’t care about that amazing attribute of others or themselves, even back then when computers just came onto the market we had none of this nonsense about naked girlfriend pics, free naked cams, dating sites wanting to do gang bangs.. this whole world didnt exist yet and that was scared because to be honest we are only talking about 30 years ago maybe to some that alot but it really isnt many years.

Always be real, never lie or fluff up a story this isn’t healthy for you…

What we had been people who would lie to your face, have no remorse and do it again and again, then jealousy from girlfriends that thought you didn’t deserve a home because they could not think past themselves by saying that they did and I didnt…

Or Friends who promised the world and gave nothing but, decent, lies, dishonesty, and fraud and pulled you in with them because they wanted your money not YOU…

We should never deny ourselves of anything that will test your beliefs and test your boundaries because this my dear readers is the best parts of honesty..

It was such an enormous disappointment after disappointment I was shattered, I was just about done until I entered the twightlight zone of “How the fuck I ever got into bad situations over and over… anyway..  sorry went over board with this thought..


Get back on track…. So, my entire wiring was really not correct everything I believed in wasnt true and I felt guttered and alone… and even this made me feel these things it actually amazing to be able to have feelings after years of trauma that I went through..

Why would you say… the opposite of the truth just because of an insecurity of something that you have never felt before?

I said, Wow, that feeling of joy I was happy to feel… that felt truly happy and so thrilled that feeling that I had not felt in such a long time came back.. and I smiled..

So journeys are helped by your dearest partner mine is my hubby, and his dearest afar friend who was a bit of a wiz on PTSD, shhh even though he refused to admit that I heard him many times denying that factor.

Imagine, your life going forward with a better sunset this can be done… You can do it… If I can you can…

Why on earth would you deny yourself, your family, your loved ones of experiencing love or emotional calmness … just because you cannot understand another persons feelings..

If you do not have empathy of another and only yourself…then I am sorry.. this is not a good emotion to feel and you need to deal with this non emotion that your feeling but, denying yourself and those you care about by saying NO or I don’t understand you.. or your thoughts…

We all do it .. we protect ourselves so severe that we forget that … that is the Nasty illness you are allowing this illness to spread into your mind and beliefs by denying any thoughts of that make you feel insecure of yourself..

If you wish to live a happy life full of endless moments you need to let go of your doubts, and allow yourself to feel those feelings that made you feel hopeless, sad, fearful, suisidal.. there is another way to live your life healthier..


If you don’t let go..and spread this disease to those that you care about just because for that instant you doubted your existence or your ideal, power, alpha or even your ego that obviously is still very present at a later part of your life.. to make such a toxic aura around you…

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If you do not deal with your own past or the reasons why you felt that way and denied another to have feelings by stripping those traumatic episodes by using that language and understanding that crippled her I believe that this then turns into a thoughtless, heartless game play of using a powerful trigger by making another feel less that you feel about yourself…

The payback is devastating ….why you become a numb person and you do it and deny it over and over .. you are amune to seeing anything other than that perfect safe place you hold so closely all.. because it made you upset and it made you feel something you didn’t want to feel…

We fear things that we don’t understand,we fear those hurt moments as a child and crying alone by yourself asking what you did so wrong to those that you love..


We turn to people you trust and they lie and make you the BAD PERSON, and this negativity grows and so does your walls of denying yourself of a happy beautiful life all because of something, someone did to you once upon a time, many years ago and it made you feel worthless, this can eat your life up and it will destroy you and those souls that love you so very much!!


It did me, at times that feeling comes back by silly remarks of people who are in that same boat of denial… and it feeds like a disease that is so toxic it will kill you, it will make you want to kill yourself, isolate yourself, it will make you angry, make you say things that you normally would not say to one another…

Our brains only know what we believe in and what is surrounded by us…. so if we are around parents that fight, well, in time you will at one point use that same language and behaviour, or if a loved one broke your heart , stole money from you or you were accused by your friends, and those you trusted that you stole from them..well, what do you end up doing…..

Your wiring of your brain is corrupted with doubt, fear, denial, jealousy, trust, belief of the truth of others and you will only recall .. those moments that will drag you back to times when you could justify your wiring that is so damning to your soul that your life going forward..



Never give up… you deserve to live a full life no-one has the right to take this away from you… NO ONE!!!

1 time my darlings… 1 time… this is it………………for me if I cannot at least give myself a little bit of freedom of not feeling like someone is going to kill me, hate me, betray me, then I never, ever learned and I will be nothing but, unhappy and stuck in feeling a deep sadness of never believing in me and those that kill themselves to have you with them…

I felt a loss within myself for such a long time and I even wanted to fall asleep and never wake up..  Those emotions are unhealthy and can and will kill you … So let me help you… You are not alone, trust me…

We all are together… so let’s find a new wiring and trust those souls that we put all this effort and love and funny moments with bloody, swet and moans…

Give yourself a go.. and let this shit go…………………….and LIVE it ….. email me if you require help and I will be happy to find it for you….


Many thanks and much love to my husband Courtney, because without you my darling, our beautiful, tragic, uneven with moments of endless loving I could never live my life fully without you beside me..your wife xxx

If you Dangle a Carrot expect it to be eaten!!! PTSD comes to mind..

I was chatting to my sister-in-law this morning about PTSD, and other things at the end of our chat I brought up Robotic Women in the next 10 years…. what will we expect..?

So, I said, well, imagine, one day owe in a future coming sooner than you think!

We will have Men/Women Robots that look, feel and act just like us, to the point that we can purchase app that can simply be uploaded to that particular robot to act, do, simulate everything of our sweet desires.

Even for war, meaning they will be out soldiers that will be able to do what we do, interesting or is it scary? You tell me?


Let me paint you a scenario:  FFM

A couple wanting a 3some/4some – and here we are at the start of what could be possible without worry, guilt, perfect right? Now it is, yes!

So, you got this robot that can join you in a 3some and you both do it.. easy peasy…  may not be the real thing however, not bad for a good try.

However, if the wife comes home and finds hubby fcyking the doll while she’s at work, I think that would be a bit awkward and after she settled down both of you could laugh about it NOW!!!!!

Now let me paint you a different scenario:  MMF

10 years from now and those innocent dolls have a memory, are able to feel, get angry, moans when he/she has sex to the point of perfection and NEVER COMPLAIN!!

All because of our needs or those who think they can perfect it by using a simple downloaded app that enhances emotions ….. interesting and a little bit of a worry…

Then, they have the same scenario using this robot, male this time far more superior to the point of making his penis bigger, smaller and lasting longer for those women who like it long and hard…..

So, then what is hubby going to feel, do, when he see’s and hears his wife being fucked harder and unfortunately, as we all know human nature as it is… it would be a natural emotion to see that he will get very angry, hostile, and or even jealous..of a stupid robot being created by the creator who wanted it all for HIM…..

So, the motto of this story always think before you create or make anything in life and communicate how this new product could become something more than just a sex doll.

A message to the creator of these Sex dolls… below

Dear Sir,

What and for whom do you create this product for.. how is it going to affect us humans that seem to live in such a civilised world without war, without homeless people, without other areas you can use this product for .. so you chose a sex doll…first..wow, really!!!

Of course, I am going a little over board but, I do believe we made a Movie of what sci-fi robots could do just using our imaginations… right.. so, in saying that this is possible that robots in our near future could be a problem if they don’t think further about how this could affect us going forward…

We live in a society that has so much to fix .. why don’t we firstly fix what we have before we create something that could affect our people who are struggling now..

PTSD, comes to mind… why??

  • Because it seems that everytime we create something that seems so sweet, innocent, ends up hurting someone more…
  • Sounds stupid really, but is it that I am worried about nothing?
  • Or is it nothing “we” should be worried about?

Just saying what could occur not saying what may not occurr…. your thoughts would be cool to here…


Silly right? or is it?

Click onto this and see for yourself


click here to see what has been and what could be

Food for thought!

I am one for future stuff like this however, as long as we have a DELETE BUTTON… or the destroy button or another planet to live on.. we should be fine..hehehehehe


Imagine Robots having rights?

Below I leave you with some future thoughts that could possibly occur on the NEWS…

Artifical Intelligence, if you make it, it will come..

What a subconcious decision that creeps up and gets you when you least expect it..


“Police found what they thought was a human body floating head down in the water …was in fact a Robot, we where thankful, as this robots life was indeed used for unhuman reasons that we cannot describe to you that was examined by  forensics..

here is what has already hit our internet and is being used today (PLEASE DO NOT CLICK THIS MAY OFFEND SOME…. they are called realdolls

Not to mention what some of you are already thinking .. pedophila…



How about this thought ROBO RENTALS we deliver your Blonde Robot for only $80 for the night …with a bond of $1500 ( if we find that you have de-membered this particular robot will cost you $1500 plus legal fees for the full amount of this bot which will cost a further $25,000 because you ordered the Dulux Ass doll that vibrates your cock off)

BTW… if we take you to court we have the right to submit this on the front page of every newspaper with your picture age, state and address of where you live)


Because it isnt human… doosh bag!!!



Beautifully honest, she wrote, becareful of alone time this can potentially hinder you.. And I agree

Tragically shattered, her bravery alone is an inspiration of all of us!!

Hi Candii here,

Well, what amazing video of strength and honesty of herself!

I wonder how many times she has said the same story over and over to help others and let me add I bet there is a partial bit of release within herself, however, as I know how this feels in my own journey this all depends on her state of mind at the time she tells it..

Like Leslie, said, even after theraphy she relapsed and felt like her entire life and inner strength was shattered, I get it, that feeling of self loathing it sneaks up and frightens you with no regrets to make sure the pain was still present..

Her therapist told her this will occurr over and over again, horrified at that thought, which I recall a dear friend told me, my response, “Are you serious, that took everything out of me I don’t want it to come back, like Leslie’s therapist said the same response, Franny, it will come back over and over but, it will affect you less and less each time it comes back…

He was right! Was he right! 

My growth felt slow and quick and that realisation came and went out the back door before even saying, gidday, which made me have a massive relief and then a huge lul of sadness and self loathing.

Understanding yourself is a must to move forward for a full life of living on this Earth, so be brave like Lesley, your a beautiful human being who deserves to live in this life.

Her words are so beautiful and everything she said with her voice, heart, soul and even body language was honest to true.. worth every minute..

Be brave and live .. I am doing just this.. and it will be worth it.. I promise..

Franny (aka Candii) xxx

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