Tag Archive for ‘UNDERSTANDING’

Coming Out As Mature Gay Man


Hey Candii here,

I want to talk about a true story that happened to me a long time ago, I was newly divorced single mum with my son being around 6-7 years old my friends had changed a tad to me hanging around a lot of gay men!

Funny things happen when you’re single, however, it was the best thing I had ever done, to be honest, I remember a young boy forgot his name he was young like 17-18 years old. I was in my kitchen making sandwiches for about 30 young me “all gay” and this young man came up to me saying how great I was, he said, where is your girlfriend?

The laughter in my lounge room was roaring loudly and you heard someone say, she’s straight!  The shock on this boys face was epic, he said, but, you have a little boy?! and why are you so okay with all of us hanging out with you and your little boy?

Then my face was in shock!!

I said, to him, do I have to be gay? to hang around you all?

He then explained that he told his parents about himself being gay and how hard it was!

He then said, thank you for being so open and allowing us into your life!!

I said, don’t thank me I love being around strong people who have the guts to be what they want to be regardless of sexuality!  That takes guts and strength most straight people should learn about life!

Years later when working I saw him again in a lift and he remembered me, Franny, he had grown up a lot and he gave me another hug and said, you have always been in my heart and head girl thank you for you being you!!

I don’t really know the magnitude of what I did for him, but, I thought it was beautiful, to say the least, it meant a lot to him and that was enough for me.

True story 🙂


The Dangers Of Revealing Sexuality

Coming Out Later In Life

http://maturegay.com.au/

The divulging of your sexuality towards other people is commonly referred to as ‘coming out’.

This is a specific rite of passage for young gays whereby they not only acknowledge their sexuality, but they begin to tell other people such as their family and close friends, about their sexual orientation.

Coming out is an intensely personal process, and many people experience both positive and negative stories when it comes to their coming out.

In today’s society, particularly in Western Culture, coming out is often deemed to be not a big issue.

Though, try telling that to the person who is struggling with their sexuality and has conservative parents.

Coming out as a young person has unique and different challenges to coming out as an older person, and the experiences can be profoundly different.

People will ultimately come from a wide range of ethnic, religious, class and racial backgrounds which will directly influence their experiences as they come out.

These social standings can affect an individual’s safety, or even their family’s safety and coming out can risk the loss of friendships, relationships and family all because you are exploring your passionate nature.

Ignoring your passions towards relationships is not something that can be done, as ignoring your feelings will often cause great pain, fear, and anxiety.

It’s a different experience for everyone. Thus, coming out as a white, able-bodied young Australian will be a profoundly different experience than that of an African Immigrant living in a low socio-economic area of New York.

 

 

Aside from these challenges, there are many more challenges to coming out as an older male, especially if one has denied or repressed their sexuality in their youth and have begun to raise a family.

Older generations were raised in a society and grew up in a time of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell‘ and many people have successfully hidden and/or repressed their sexuality until much later in life.

The question then becomes; why did they hide it?

There’s a variety of reasons as to why people might choose to hide or ignore their sexuality.

Most teenagers, and arguably this is part of being part of a teenager, will naturally reach a point in their lives whereby they will test where the bounds of sex and sexuality sit, and they will explore these boundaries.

It can be an incredibly frustrating and confusing time especially when society expects that you will fall in love with someone of the opposite sex, have children and grow old together and you’re simply not sharing or feeling like that.

At this stage, some people might fundamentally reject their feelings on religious grounds, upbringing, or they might develop intense negative feelings surrounding the issue of sexuality and as a result, will push down on those feelings until they no longer exist.

 

coming out is distressing

Coming Out is Distressing

 

This can pose significant issues later in life, and ultimately they’re setting themselves up until they have reached a point when they can no longer deny their feelings.

They have given a lifestyle of heterosexuality their best shot and it’s simply no longer viable.

They have attempted to conform to societal expectations of getting married, having children, and it’s not until they get to later on in lives that they realise that there have been profoundly important things about themselves with which they have neglected, or not acknowledged.

Other people might simply not have the capacity to understand or interpret their feelings of attraction because they had deemed it to be as abnormal, or wrong. In that regard, is not surprising that a lot of baby boomers wait until later in life when they decide to come out, and it’s usually as a result of their lives becoming simply unbearable as a result of hiding who they truly are. Coming out when you’re young is difficult. Coming out when you’re older has significantly more challenges, and arguably, is a lot harder than coming out when young. We’ve compiled a short list of the difficulties that older people might face when they decide to come out later in life.

 

1. Being Gay And Married:-

Owing to the fact that many people try and repress their sexuality, they will conform to social, familial and religious pressures and decide to get married. Though it is important to note that not all religions have strong stances on homosexuality.

Taoism

For example:

  • does not have a single school of thought when it comes to homosexuality and is simply merely discouraged.

In any event, people might conform to the popular belief that it’s not accepted and continue on a heterosexual lifestyle.

They might do this in the hope that their homosexual feelings will go away, or they might find themselves in a deep state of denial, or they simply might feel that their feelings are nothing but a phase and representative of the feeling of ‘cold feet’ of getting married.

Many mature gay men have stated that the reason that they got married was that they’d hoped that the feelings would go away, they loved their wives, they considered their wives their best friends and soul mates but rather than happiness and bliss for their lifetime together, all they would feel was an overwhelming sense of infidelity and deceit as they discovered that the feelings wouldn’t go away.

They might try marriage counseling or some form of couples counseling, but inevitably it’s not going to work.

 

wife ca be devastating

Coming Out To Your Wife Can Be Devastating

 

Often they can hide and repress this for years, the distractions of life, and growing older play a great part in a person’s ability to ignore what’s underneath as they traverse life, climb the social/work ladder, buy a house, plan for a family and so on and so forth.

One of the worst aspects of being both married and gay is the understanding that the moment that you come out, that there is potentially going to be a lot of hurt, pain, and anger from his wife.

This can be devastating and cause chaos in people’s lives and is probably one of the most challenging aspects of coming out when you’re older.

Especially since he might love his wife, considers her his best friend and feels that coming out will ultimately hurt her.

For some, they simply cannot take this and will either resort to drastic measures or simply engage in infidelity until they get caught out.

 

2. Parenthood:-

Through trying to repress ones sexuality, they might decide to get married. From there, they might end up being parents.

Becoming a parent also serves as a distraction-like tool in the repression of sexuality and some might see the prospect of having children to be worth it in staying in the closet because it provides them with opportunities that they may not have been able to have as a gay male.

Today, however, there are many options for queer people to fulfill their dreams of becoming parents, and these technologies were simply not available 30 years ago.

Other people feel that being a parent is more important than their sexuality, as they fear that any decision to come out after having children, could negatively impact them.

As such, there are a lot of people who acknowledge being gay early on in their marriage but who have already had children, they decide to repress their sexuality until their children are old enough to understand.

To some people, the idea of providing a loving and nurturing environment for their children is a far more important endeavor.

 

loving family

 

3. The idea of Lost Youth:-

Being young is about making mistakes, it’s about embarking on life with the training wheels firmly attached and it is a state of learning and growing.

What about the idea though, that you start off life in the development of a particular lifestyle, only to discover that that’s not for you?

You essentially, in part have to start again.

This is a common train of thought for older people who have come out later in life and they might get the impression that they have to go out into the world and make up for lost time.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to make up for lost time, what’s past has already passed. Mature Gay Adults who have only recently come out, however, will often find themselves behaving and acting like the teen they never got to be in an effort to make up for lost time.

It’s almost considered to be in the same vein as having a mid-life crisis – even the most placid and calm of people might suddenly turn into a raging teen at the candy store lusting and drooling after all the new things in the world that they can experience.

It’s tricky. Others might feel such a sense of shame and inadequacy that it makes them vulnerable to forms of abuse, and they may be plagued with unhappiness regarding the sense that they’re supposed to be an adult, and all of a sudden they’re a child in a world that they didn’t know much about.

In either circumstance, however, there is cause for concern.

Not only in forms of abuse either from being sexually assaulted or financial as a result of this vulnerability, and in young people potentially seeking a sugar daddy where the older gay male is looking for love, but also in the sense that sex and dating conquests may not necessarily equate to a healthy sexual lifestyle.

 

4. Family Acceptance:-

One of the most important things that people yearn for when they decide to come out of the closet, is that it won’t adversely affect their relationship with their family.

It’s a fundamental need and desire to be loved and accepted by your family.

When people start coming out in their 30’s, 40’s or even beyond there are some families which will struggle with this new found status.

Some members of the family might be unable to accept the sudden change, in the sense that who you’ve been for the majority of your life has now suddenly changed.

They may not be able to transcend past the idea of how they remember or know who their child, brother, sister, the nephew was.

There’s really no way in telling if the experience is going to be a positive or negative experience.

Especially when some people support the idea of being gay, and they can’t get past the feeling that they had been deceived the majority of your life in regards to the gay person.

5. Family acceptance

 Will also extend to the in-laws.

It is highly unlikely that a young gay male will be married in his teens, and as such, will never have to deal with the prospect of telling his in-laws about his sexuality.

People in their 30’s and beyond may have found themselves married, and have acquired a set of in-laws through their partner.

Gay people who come out later in life might have to deal with telling the in-laws about their sexuality.

Though, in some respects, it should be very much considered to be similar to a divorce – whereby the in-laws will either accept you’re coming out, will struggle to remain civil and polite, or they might even be glad to see the back of you.

Having grandchildren involved in this situation is certainly going to complicate things and realistically you should speak to your partner privately first, and have a discussion about the in-laws.

 

myth and truth

 

6. Youth Vs Truth:-

This one is partly driven by the shallowness of the queer community and the ideals associated with beauty.

Whereas many people subscribe to the idea that you’re only as old as you feel, it can be quite apparent when someone is desperately trying to cling onto their youth by either wearing inappropriate clothes or embarking on a lifestyle that isn’t representative of their age.

Common problems with coming out later in life circle around an individual’s insecurities – they feel that they’re well beyond the age of getting into the gay scene, or that they’re not in good enough shape to be taken seriously.

From here, one of two things will generally happen. You will go into over-drive and desperately seek to become the most ideal and often stereotypical gay man that you could be.

Or, you might find yourself in a pit of despair and feel that you’re just never going to be good enough and settle for a relationship, or a particular circumstance that is far less than what you deserve.

Neither of these scenarios are the healthiest.

The healthiest approach that one can take is simply let loose, be yourself and try to find your way on your own with the knowledge that there are countless others who are in exactly the same position that you are.

 

7. Baggage:-

This is one of the tougher ones and can really hit a person where it hurts.

When you’ve been married and you’ve got kids, there are many people out there who will consider you to be a person that’s carrying too much baggage.

However, it’s a similar situation to when going through a standard divorce, with the only difference is that you’re now dealing with a lot of issues and thoughts regarding your own sexuality and invariably it’s a lot of stuff happening at once. If you hear this said to you, it’s going to hurt. But just find comfort and solace in the idea that it’s certainly not an isolated occurrence and that you’re but one in a pool of people trying to find their way. Just like older people going through a divorce, you may find comfort in the idea of not necessarily embarking on looking for a relationship with someone that doesn’t have baggage of their own, but rather looking for someone that also wants to be serious and might be coming with their own baggage.

 

training wheel

 

8. Training Wheels:-

You’ve spent the last x amount of years subscribing to a particular lifestyle, and now you have to change that.

Sex is going to be a major component of that, and it can be quite emasculating to discover that you’re considered to be absolutely clueless around sex.

You’re not alone, there’s no manual on having sex or gay relationships, and chances are that when you’re looking for someone else that’s also single they haven’t managed to understand the idea of relationships either!

 

9. Love:-

Mature people will often feel that they can’t be loved.

They’re often in an already vulnerable state having to deal with all of the above problems, and rather than playing the field and determining who they are attracted to, they’ll often find comfort in the idea of settling down with the first person that shows any interest in them. Monogamous relationships form their primary focus and whilst there’s no harm in this – if you’re specifically looking to form a monogamous relationship then there’s a chance that it can actually stop you from getting into a relationship. The best advice in this regard, play the field.

 

10. Life Stressors:-

This is often the most difficult, and can directly impact all of the previous issues when it comes to coming out when you’re older.

The fact is, that there might simply be too much going on at once.

You might be dealing with a divorce, you might be dealing and trying to do the best for your kids, you might be trying to find a new place to live, and you might also be trying to work out the intricacies of gay life, sex, and relationships.

That can be a lot of pressure and stress all at once. Take a step back, breathe and deal with the things as they come.

You might not have all the experience of a gay male, but you have a variety of different experiences and challenges that you have overcome just to make it to this point in your life and, surely, that’s worth something.

 

mature gay couple

 

I myself am a late bloomer. I am now happier through coming out. I have written these challenges both as a result of what I myself have experienced, and what others in my support network have experienced.

Coming out is not easy at whatever stage of life that you’re in and I absolutely subscribe to the words of Comedian Todd Glass when he states that “everyone comes out at exactly the same time…when they’re ready.”.

I first had an idea that I was gay in my late teens, and this was during the start of the HIV Epidemic.

I didn’t stay closeted for fear of the HIV scare, I attempted to embark on a lifestyle of heterosexual living because I felt guilty, because of fear, and due to a need to please others, like my family.

I don’t believe or view that decision as a mistake, from that choice I feel I was gifted with a beautiful and wonderful relationship with an amazing and patient woman, who gave me two daughters who I love to the ends of the world and who have certainly made my life worth living.

My family has been able to provide me with the strength that I needed to develop the emotional maturity that would later form the foundations of my confidence and acceptance.

Despite coming out when I was older, I have since found myself, I am now true to myself and I could never ask for anything more.

Swinging versus Cheating – u decide?


To someone with no knowledge of the swingers lifestyle, swinging and cheating may seem like the same thing. This could not be further from the truth.

To answer the question we must first define what swinging and cheating each are.

Cheating is defined as a betrayal of trust between two individuals where one partner has a sexual encounter without the others knowledge, while swinging is a collective decision made by partners in a committed relationship to engage in sexual activities with others.download (14)

It is well known in lifestyle circles that swinging can strengthen a marriage, especially for couples who have been together for many years where the sex life may have become somewhat “boring”.  Cheating on the other hand can, and most likely will destroy a marriage once the other partner discovers the infidelity.

Swinging became popular
Swingers tend to be couples who are, or have been sexually adventurous at some point in their marriage. This can be role playing, toys in the bedroom etc. Even though a couple may be adventurous, role play and toys will only be exciting for so long. This is one of the reasons swinging has become so popular over the last decade with an explosion of websites dedicated to swingers.love triangle

There is also no end to websites that promote cheating on your spouse. There is something very wrong with this concept because it helps to promote the destruction of marriages. Swinger’s websites, on the other hand, promote a sense of community. Swinger websites bring couples together both online and in the real world. The lifestyle is all about respecting and caring for your partner and trust is the core foundation.

There is no sneaking around behind your partners back looking for sexual gratification.  Swingers don’t participate in the lifestyle to find someone to replace their partner, they are looking to enhance the relationship the already have. That is the appeal of the lifestyle, sexual experiences are shared together creating a stronger bond between the couple.  As with any relationship, communication is the key so remember to keep an open line of dialogue with your partner.images (45)

Moments with Reflection


My moment was being very present and a little bit angry more at myself.. you are responsible for your own actions and beliefs and of course your own limitations in life.

You hope those that you spend your life with many years of talking, loving, helping each other and at times yes both have been at each other for many reasons however, that is marriage.. lack of understanding and most of all fears and vulnerability we tend to act out loudly because of many reasons.

However, if you map out each others lives what was it that lacked or perhaps stumbled with communication and why didn’t both of us or married couples, stop and perhaps make sure that we where both okay..

Takes a lot of understanding and unfortunately, perhaps that little bit of hesitancy was the killer or the moment that became broken and suddenly, “bang”, all over, red rover..

We are not perfect and perhaps we think or put ourselves at a high level of understanding forgetting to stop and smell that beautiful roses that should have been put in the ground with gratitude and appreciation to each other..

This is just a blurb of emotions, loving memories of moments of love and massive respect that I have and always will… I cannot explain something to you when I don’t understand it completely that is a crack of limitations of trust that both should have stopped a little bit before the massive titanic wave that hits with a savagely that even I wont express on a post..

Be respectful and love each other more and that spark that once put you both together..

I loved my life and will always respect it with love, honesty and most of all my entire heart and soul…

You only know what you only know… be kind, it is the only fair way to living life..

 

It’s Not What You Know, It’s How You Think


How we think affects everything from our ability to solve problems to how we understand meaning, value, and purpose.

There are many trends and patterns to be found in the past, and the Durants do a commendable job of highlighting them. The essence of their view, however, can be summarized by the following sentence from their short book:

The only real revolution is in the enlightenment of the mind and the improvement of character, the only real emancipation is individual, and the only real revolutionists are philosophers and saints.

The Durants believed that despite all that has and continues to change in our external environment, the real battle is still internal. Real change doesn’t happen until we face our minds and our thoughts.

There is a fair degree of nuance that needs to be accounted for with a statement like that, and it ties into larger questions of what progress is and how subjects relate to objects, but the fact that our thoughts — and their ability to change our minds — play a pivotal role in our experience of reality is self-evident in ways that are common sense. How we think affects everything from our ability to solve problems to how we understand meaning, value, and purpose. The Durants made it their life’s work to improve this ability in the average person by disseminating information — mostly history and philosophy.

But information alone doesn’t make our thinking better. We also have to understand and update the way our minds process this information.

Our Minds Get Stuck in Habit Loops – if you wish Mindsets

Based on popular psychology literature, some thinkers have codified the way we form habits into a simple loop: a trigger, a routine, and a reward. We see something in our environment that sets off the trigger; the trigger leads to a routine we’ve internalized based on our past interactions in such an environment; finally, a reward at the end reinforces said routine.

If you observe this in your daily life, you’ll see that it’s roughly right. Our brain is a pattern-seeking survival machine, and habits are how it ensures that we don’t have to think too hard about what to do when familiar situations arise, letting us conserve energy.

With time, we start to recognize patterns around us, and we internalize these patterns so that we can reuse them in the future.

When it comes to the human mind, there are still no concrete theories of how thought emerges. We know, however, that thought plays a pivotal role in facilitating how we interact with the information that the Durants, for example, were trying to impart on us.

In the same way that we form habits of action relating to our environment, we also form habits of thought when it comes to how we think about the world. We are all born into a reality in which — at first, at least — we can’t even distinguish between our own separateness from the world. With time, however, we start to recognize patterns around us, and we internalize these patterns — like we do habits — so that we can reuse them in the future. Usually, if a pattern persists in our mental habits, it means that it is valuable in some sense. But this is only the case if we apply that pattern to the right information.

One of the reasons it’s so hard to change our minds about things is that our brains are stuck in these mental habit loops, which tend to look at information from a singular point of view. Our brains have learned something in one context, so they mistakenly apply it to others, mixing up the triggers that lead to routine thoughts.

We’re all capable of overpowering these habit loops, of course, but it’s very easy and productive to have them operating as the default mode. To think well, we must be aware of their limitations and to not let them restrict us.

Diversifying Thinking Patterns Changes Us

Each of us faces different challenges at different times in different ways based both on our biology and our unique cultural upbringing. No two people think exactly the same way because no two people have lived exactly the same life.

In fact, these different thinking patterns (mostly produced from our mental habit loops) are, in large part, what makes you, you and me, me. Our identities are borne from the convergence of these patterns. They create our subjective experience.

The more diverse our trained thinking patterns are, the more accurately we will be able to interact with information around us.

The Durants are getting at the idea that although we’ve seen so much external change throughout history, none of it truly makes a difference unless we calibrate our internal, subjective experience with that objective, external environment. Our subjective experience is limited, and using it — and the thinking patterns that create it — as a baseline for understanding the world is a limited way to go through life. It biases us in the wrong direction.

At its core, a thinking pattern is an implicit rule of thumb for the way we connect aspects of our reality. Given the complexity of this reality, the more diverse our trained thinking patterns are — and the better refined the associated triggers are — the more accurately we will be able to interact with information around us.

Because thinking patterns emerge from the mental habit loops we form as a response to experience, the only way to diversify them is to seek out new and conflicting encounters. We can do this through books, unfamiliar environments, or even hypothetical thought games.

Outside of extreme external circumstances, any time we’re struggling to solve a problem or lacking a sense of satisfaction and meaning, it’s due to the fact that our current thinking patterns are not adequately suited for the job. Instead, we have to remodel the form and shape of these patterns so they better fit the form and shape of the issue at hand.

How We Think Is What Matters

We’re born with a set of biological machinery, but we’re not born knowing how to use it.

In fact we only know what we only know until we learn something that teaches us something that we didnt realise and this is called a new thought or learnings..

As time goes on, however, we begin to make sense of our reality. We realize what kinds of food are good for us, we learn to avoid things that are painful, and we begin to get attached to those who can take care of us. With even more time, we develop fully concrete distinctions between the different objects around us and how we, as subjects, are to interact with them.

What keeps this process going is our pattern-seeking brain. It forms both habits of action and habits of thought that it embeds into our conscious and subconscious memories to reduce cognitive load.

One of the problems with this, however, is that it’s really easy for us to become stuck in mental habit loops that don’t accurately assess the situation at hand, leading to both problems of comprehension and satisfaction. To counteract this, we have to be intentional in diversifying our thinking patterns. We have to learn to recognize when we’re falling into a mismatched pattern of thought, and we have to then use that information to update how we make connections between the objects in our environment.

To say that all issues can be solved with a shift in thinking patterns ignores the larger picture, but there is a truth to what the Durants learned from history — how we think about what is happening around us is arguably more important than what is actually happening around us.

Remember, we can process what we think and once we experience something or do something or even have those moments that opens up our mind and makes us go.. oh shit, I think it relates to this experience.. then my lovelies the mind becomes clearer and your understanding is taught something new and it retains it for your next chapter.

This is all about growing and learning and changing your brain until it is re-wired to relate and understand other new patterns and hopefully more positive wiring and that will open up moments of bliss.

Good luck and Enjoy it.. because change is something we all do everyday and sometimes we do it when we dont realise that we are doing just that changing for a better more understanding future.

Repeat and Repeat and remember to pat yourself on the back…. because that is amazing…

Franny

Remember ladies – One life live it and love your inner wild self…


Growth and having a little bit of fun with a splash of realisation is the best experience and also understanding about who you are as a person especially when you tell a story and even you have a few areas of your story you say, this is how I see it but, I do not know how to explain in simply.th (1)

I am a very happy, loving outgoing girl who had a few areas in my upbringing that should have hindered me but, because I came from such a strong dominating family Irish/Italian background I guess I had to brush of the bullshit and get on with the real shit of life.

And that is how I lived my life you see we have a choice are you a victim of what someone does to you or do you take it back and say, sorry try bloody harder because you didn’t kill my wild and free spirit.

The only way a person can do this to you is if you allow them to take it off you .. okay, yes some people can and some people can’t and to be honest don’t think for one moment that I didn’t think of not brushing off someones shit that contaminated a bit of my inner spirit and to be honest those many weeks of sadness and I did have them I knew deep down that I was worth more than some shit head that decided to do something without asking.download (7)

So, my point to this post is… always remember we are only human and we can do what we can do however, please set yourself a goal and say, okay enough wallowing, enough of the I don’t think I am worthy, enough of the self-pity and say, Fran, this person isn’t worth my life time of regret.

The results will come later trust me… we are a product of our environment and never ever be disempowered by another because frankly your body and your mind is your’s and it will never be theirs..

Many years past and many times I did have events in my life that most people would go is she insane.. however my strength and my resilience was very silent, it was very private and I never allowed it to destroy myself I did notice my choices changed and this is okay they change because you change this took me a very long time to understand it because of my nature of a bit crazy, zany, a little bit odd, and flippant nature.27458882_10155276106887361_5939194159146142791_n.jpg

I seem to reinvent myself but learning a few lessons.. never take something that is not yours to begin with, always be honest because if you lie it is trying and it deplete you, if they or others don’t get you then they are not for you..

Yes, I felt if I allowed my mind to go there in the pits of misery if I wanted a few times, to be honest hated that feeling of yup, so I did what I knew brushed off that bullshit and said, I am worth more than that feeling which I hated.

That empowered me more it also made me a very determined women who was a single mother busy working full-time and I had to be strong for my son I had to be selfish and very matter of fact..because he was my world and he was my priority in my world.

I wasnt the super mother I never fit that mould, I had no net work it was me and him and a few gay mates that got me and that was okay.. as I got stronger I wanted more had a few areas again that I don’t need to discuss here but, again it made me feel a little low however, before I met my husband I did promise myself one thing..

He better be good in bed… because all those other fuckwits that took without asking wasnt and to my surprise he was.. thank god for that.. and the rest has been history..

Of course being strong, stubborn, open-minded with a bit of a twisted back ground I did dive in the deep end a little and perhaps I liked it…

images (2)Why?

Well, that is something that you need to experience and work out.. I already understand me and what I like and why I like it…

Go figure.. Live your life with as much love and strength and you too will get to understand that your life is just as important as anyone elses..

Love and hugs Franny xxxdownload (1)

What…………. triggers Me?


It is a double edge sword talking and typing about the above…”Triggers”, because potentially I could actually trigger myself by putting down these points which I am and will show you…. what triggers trigger me…

th.jpg

So, let’s explain what this means for someone who has passed trauma….. let’s start off with explaining this below

What are Triggers.. well they are simply…

A trigger is anything that causes your PTSD symptoms to occur. Triggers are detected by your senses (sight, sound, touch, taste and smell). A trigger may involve only one sense or it may involve many of your senses. Triggers can remind you directly or indirectly of some aspect of the trauma.

My Triggers are based on my past which means simply – even though things that “did” occurs doesn’t matter “now” (notice I am using a different language by saying .. did and now?)  they can potentially depending on my mood presently “could trigger a subconscious thought”, does that make sense?

 

My triggers that seem to do this are below

  • Silence is a NO, NO, with me! 
  • Anger by another or even myself!
  • Drugs that alter my thoughts 
  • Sadness – despair is a trigger that can bring me down
  • Abusive behaviour
  • Yelling, screaming, anger, hostility
  • argument with a loved one
  • Fear of being taken advantage of
  • Fear of betrayal
  • Secrets that people keep that I care about – it makes me feel that I am not important to them so I decline very quickly
  • Being Ignored by someone I care about – this makes me feel like I have done something wrong.. which makes me want to fix it..by being a little over baring…
  • Hostile – if someone acts angry towards me I tend to go into my own protective shield by either going quite which only lasts a few moments to hostile anger… which can potentially be sole destroying for me.
  • Isolation is good and bad for me…. it makes me feel like I am worthless to anyone so I can isolate myself by being busy…
  • Lying… people who lie

Never try and hurt those that have already been there as it is a possibility for that person (me) to take longer to return back to a normal reasoning…

That was difficult to type those things above with time and more understanding about me I will share with you that could help those that have the same as what I suffer from…

What helps me recover or calms me?

  • kindness
  • calmness
  • being loved which makes me love and understand better
  • never use anger towards me
  • laughing a lot, I love to laugh, hard…. just do…hehehe
  • Joking I adore it
  • People that make me smile I loveeeeee so much
  • Tell me how much you life me or love me.. or hate me.. if you wish
  • DON’T lie

 

Just be a kind person and you will have me for a life time… sounds a bit selfish of me..

But, that is a new feeling so please don’t think I am doing this to be selfish..it’s an emotion that is rather new to me to understand..

Lying reminds me of my childhood.. so please we all lie to a point… just try to be kinder to one another.. because when you add too much to something it really isn’t being authentic.. is it???

Later gater… Franny xxx

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What are your TRIGGERS?

Why do they Trigger you?

Do you agree with what I said about about triggers?

Let’s Embrace what is Coming


I seem to blog a lot these days maybe I find it therapeutic and I find it relaxing without the heaviness of people’s voices telling me how to breathe, how to live, how to love, what to do, what not to do, when to do it, don’t do it like that, you’re not doing it right, why does anyone have such an opinion on what others do when their own existence is full of drama, stresses, they seem to critic you and never themselves?

Is it because we allow them to do this or is it a granule sneaky thing that those that are louder, smarter or perhaps word smiths that they have worked you out?

If so that to me is sad that you have found a place to take all your stresses out on those that give you more than what you spend, I don’t get it… is it okay, to take someones love and then figure out just how to destroy the best part of another person because you know they will put up with it?

Okay, or is it that the person is so selfish that they have everything that want and want you too?wpid-369

I could never take something from someone if they don’t benefit themselves – this would be made up of love, a mutual respect for each other and a life that is full of respect, communication, endless adventures and a pure belief of what is next that “we can enjoy and laugh, love and experience these wonderful things our planet has with others that we love as well”.

That to me is living a life full of love respect and most of all abundance of beautiful kind friends that enjoy your company and visa versa..

I have all this love to give and I feel so sad that I cannot share it with people who get it??

I could cry my eyes out right now just so everyone could understand that living now in the moment is all and everything anyone should want to do with one another..,.499442a018bc0cc244dbb0fed3eede48-past-present-future-quotes-life-lesson-quotes-e1511020340433.jpg

So, enough of the what could be…. I now am more focused on what I should do… and with that I am happy because to be honest the past has passed and the future is not here yet.. and that is exciting don’t you think?

Why do I Blog …What is the reason?


Well, to be honest I do blogs to get to understand those that are on here and this is for many reasons I have a very interesting past and I believe everything happens for a reason.

We tend to take our lives for granted and we never believe our lives are worth much which is sad because I myself have thought that many times in my own life.

I am not on here to be perfect nor am I on here to preach anything that isn’t the truth however, we do tend to have a bit of fun and poke fun at myself mostly or how I actually feel.

But, to be perfectly honest I do this to understand myself express how I feel about my eccentric life which really isn’t however, I have had life that most people would not be aware of and because I so want to complete my studying this may take me sometime as it can be difficult even for me to do.

It means I have to be present, honest, true to myself, those who read some of my piffle but, when I do write about my past sometimes it is easy and sometimes I will write it and I will delete it mainly because it scares the shit out of me for many reasons.

I don’t believe in wanting to dwell on my past but, what I do believe is our paths in our lives is very important and I so want to help those that have similar understandings and most of all help those that I know I can understand those that have walked a simular path as I have.

You see if it wasnt for some wonderful persons that need I say have helped me open my eyes to a lot of things which I thank them even though they may not think I have … So, thank you and I do love you all very much there may not be many that do know about my path but, I do wish for them to know that I do love them and I hold them very close to my heart and soul.. So, to my closest, dearest, imaginary, invisibly, visible and gorgeous souls always know that without those that held my hand and hugged my soul when I wept I thank you so very much with all of my heart and soul…

So, this is why I do this and want to help those that have been hurt through loosing a child through either divorce or wrongly accused for disgraceful ruling due to unfairly being accused or losing their child to suicide, death, tragic and even to those moms that had to let go of children due to rape, drugs, being hurt my others that should never occurred, have nearly hurt themselves due to their own despair and many other reasons that I wish to hold on further for my own growth and understanding.

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So, this is a little to why I want to be here and do what I do because I truly care for others that have been treated unfairly, truly hurtful and devastating occurrences that only those will understand inside themselves…

It is never easy nor is it something that anyone can do.. but, for me I have to do this because I want too and it is inside my own soul, self and most of all my heart cannot .. Not do it.. if that makes any sense..

So, yes, that is why I get on here rant and rave, do funny things and some really odd things it is never difficult it is frustrating because it can be hard to understand myself..

We all learn differently none of us are stupid nor are we psycho nor do we do this because someone else wants us too.. I do it because that is what I want to do… so as I grow and understand myself more I will share with you more as I grow..

Thank you, Franny xxx

Spent time, Open your heart, and think!!!


This song is beautiful its like finding a place you finally can be “you”, we search our lives for the upmost rewarding experiences  ..only if we trust…. at the end of our lives don’t say… I wish I did more…. do it now..for fcuks sakes… what do you want a Flag that says “Ready, Set, Go… ok… Ready, Set, Stop..

Why Stop cuz, this journey is very dey jau vu

Mr Invisable is just that Invisable… but, has a twin..is called dey jau vu 2..

Sorry personal joke hehehehehhehe

 

What do you think that is?

I think it’s about many things love, friendships that truly matter, trust within your heart and your soul and to try and do your best as a person to others.

How about this to be loved and acepted for who you are good, bad and darn right a tad curious and to find out people are just like you…

This means to accept is to be brave, to search deeply to see if a person is good or not worth your time… why?  Because it’s the right way of doing … we should never judge others but, alas we do.. or our subconcious does.. and it does for many reasons… why, well that is a very long and lengthy story to tell.. which I will tell in time to understand that savy pestering subconcious mind of yours…

When something is lacking in your life you tend to end up seeing a pattern when your ounger and notably you see in in your relationships and most of all it is easiest to see in other couples.. example.. who puts more effort into that relationship….

Giver and a Taker…… 

I lacked alot of love or you could say the spoken word of just saying I truly love you and will never leave you… well, it’s like the search for extracting oil out of a oil pit… easy rigtht not at all… we are all like Krips some and some are not…

With all the knowledge and insight you might have you may still require further evidence to the fact.. why do you think that is

Well, its logical, everything requires further data.. TO BE LOOKED INTO FURTHER…. why do you think that is….Again that Darn subconcious mind that likes to protect you from anything other than …safe… that is great but, it also can be a right Bitch.. and go… Nope it is a Conspriracy you will be disappointed, you will be hurt, you will be betrayed…

What a load of shit

Never think that you know someone until you really communicate with them see how they interact with others and of course their family and listen to their heart felt joys, sadness, disappointments from watching learning and understanding you find out some people are lovely right down to their bone and others well they lack a few good kind items that seem to be missing and then you meet those that are totally broken but, cannot see it.

Here are two scenario’s of possible people both are broken both have never got help both perhaps dont even know they are suffering.. oh yes, both are also made up scenarios.

Imagine a husband and wife the wife is a great mother, wife, she tells her family she loves them does pretty much every mortal thing for each one of them.. especially her hasband… she tries to overly please him even she doesnt even see that she is doing this and she is tired…

What does he do for her…..

He ignored her and barely put too much effort into his children why do you think that is?

Because a long time ago he loved his parents he loved them so much he would do anything for them but the key thing that damaged him was that those parents didnt know how to love.

So, the motto of this story is that “In some families a husband will try so hard to show his wife that he loves her by changing himself by helping her with everything and by supporting her with every possible moment of his exisitance…. Why because he was born with a decent kind heart that is why..

His wife was hurt and something happened to her to loose her way… time passed and people change because a trauma occurred during her childhood.. she never really dealt with it.. what she did was .. said I am fine, or she fibbed and said, that she has already dealt with my past… its not that…. denial of understanding any trauma will end up hindering your family, yourself and those around you..

You see Communication, love, understanding, honesty, trust, a little bit of ego, self worth and a bit of pride and humanity, empathy, sympathy all these wonderful beatiful words means something why?

Because to Live a beautiful life full of experiences you MUST exercise every word, every emotion, every loving moment with time and patience to those that understand that the person they do this too is the same like minded people.

We are just too hard on ourselves, we doubt the spoken word and our hearts speak out by the love that embers out of each one of those people … so Next time when you recognise one of these good people.. stop and give them time, because you never know if you didnt take that time to spend with them and understand how they are deep down then you may possibly missed the best beautiful heart who would love you just the way you are… without judgement, without spite, just pure and simple love.

Just thoughts I was thinking in the last 2 days… enjoy your long weekend… regards and best wishes Candii xxx

 

 

You will love the lyrics……….enjoy and bless… xxx

 

 

Being Present in someones Life, Are you?


How present are you?!?!?

Have you given up and just went stuff it?!?!

or is it this…“Out of mind out of sight?”

So, let’s talk about what most people do not like to even whisper these words…… “Mental illness”, “Crazy Dazy”, “Loony toones”, that person has lost the plot!, sound familiar? you get the picture, right?!

Well, I have to say at what level would you call someone who has any of the above?

I would say “hand on heart”, many people, however, in saying “many people”, well, most who have felt a little off, or perhaps you could say, I have lost the plot and your coming with me!!

Giggle, no seriously, speaking, we are only human and as humans are we do the best we can, right?

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I believe there is a thought I have that some and if not many of us all have a level of a bit of “Crazy Dazey”, if you wish to put that in a sentence.

In most cases I think once you have done a few courses or at least been around good people who understand a level of what that really means we all have a part in our life that either will challenge us, or perhaps we recognise that our past and our experiences could potentially send you a bit on the “Dazey stage”, of life!

Being Present – what does that mean?

We must remember to be present in people’s lives is not being in their life as in face on face it just means if that person has a few strange and weird questions perhaps ask how they are going, or maybe say, whats been happening, we are “all” not therapists and those that are well .

Some are not what I would call natural at their skill, however, absent attitude of not understanding themselves and most of all you as a person!

PS. No PUN intended!!!

Remember there is not box to put us in, there is not label to stamp us with and also be mindful of what you say or don’t say to another, that is if you suspect that a person is reaching out to ask you a question it is because they trust you and do value your answers.

By the way that is especially a nice and beautiful thing, so please be mindful when someone is asking you a question, or perhaps sending you a message or your on the phone to them, “take the time to think before you state what you may possibly regret later”.

None of us on this Earth is “perfectly grafted”, so please, please, we should be mindful to those that are gracefully labelled so, imperfectly!

Old saying, People who live in glass houses, should really know better, don’t you think????

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Sharing and Caring – by Franny…


Hello Cindii here,

I have amended this to include a very private bit of one story that occurred to me.. so you have an idea what happens.. so please read.. comments would be lovely if you wish… if you don’t all good.. this is all about understanding…and sharing a story of hope….

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I wanted to share with you a few truths about my journey to date, I have experienced many chapters that often can be beautiful, make you smile, love, desire, trust, cherish, those words that you don’t often see in posts.

We are more likely to see words like, I had a terrible day because, I didn’t get out of bed because, I feel sad, I can’t stop feeling like I am a bad person, Why am I worthless, What did I do to you, How come I feel so ashamed, I want to kill myself!

Now those above are definately HUGE…… WARNING SIGNS, and to be perfectly honest, I have used everyone of them and more, only to me and only in my head I use them unless I am speaking to someone I trust enough to tell them too. (it took me years and years to understand why I felt so low for so long)

So, how to stop your little “minions” in your head?!?

Well, you have to forse yourself to say things nice about YOU… easy? is it?

It is yes 🙂

Well, the first step is reading my post, so thank you if you are suffering any of those emotional words and I want to say something to you, “You will be okay, if you allow yourself “this”, take those steps to help “YOU”, because I felt all of those words and more my dear reader and it hurt my soul, deeply, I felt like I was worth nothing, and it was distroying everything I was, and wanted to live for and that isn’t fair to live a life having those emotional words in your head, right!

So, I guess my journey perhaps a little off center you could say how I ended up getting help – long story personal story.. perhaps for a book that may come out later when all are dead… (that was a joke)

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Life is about learning, And, yes look above, “Don’t be so hard on yourself”, we all do it, we all think that we are not good enough, so I am here to tell you, Boulderdash, and Bees wax, you SO, ARE!!!!

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This picture is me a little enhanced at Easter however, still it is me, smiling, happy, I don’t look at all sad now do I?

WRONG!!!

Well, I was, I was so down, and battelling with me it was taking my life away within an instant, “my flashbacks where so bad, that I thought that I was dying, I recall, pleading over the telephone, to my husband, saying I had been raped too many times I don’t and still wont put that number down here”!!!

My heart sank, I was in such shock my entire body was trembling under me, I was home alone, and I felt empty, humiliated, I felt that my life was over, and there was nothing within that moment of time that you could say, do or even give me to make me feel better once I acknowedged that horrid number!!

I cried my eyes out, and then shock hit me.. I went white, my body was trembling, swet was dripping off me like a tap and my breath was just about “done”!

I wanted out!!!!

I wanted to die, I wanted nothing else but, to end my life because I felt like I was worthless!!

I had enough energy to get up I walked into my spare room and I forsed myself to do my timeline to see exactly that number…. and I was right!

Then suddenly it hit me, I felt better, I have no idea what it was, I think it was finding out that 1 person had hurt me multiple times and for some stupid reason I was relieved to read that… well, at least I felt morbidly better..

Seriously, how does that sound? 

I felt better because 1 person raped me multiple times?? WTF???

So, now what?  Well, as we all do we live, and that is exactly what I wanted to do, I wanted to live happier, love those that I care about, and live a life that I really feel passionate about because my life looking back was shit!!

And, frankly, I don’t care how other perseve me, I really could give a hoot about anyones rude behaviour because I am me, and I am strong enough, to get through all that has been done to me.

Why because I am worth it!!

And so are you!!!

So here is my suggestions to living a life worth living and loving yourself because you deserve to live it !!!!

“Never ever, allow another to take something off you without your approval, without your, acknowledgement, without your concent”

So, here I am after 3 years or take a few months if you wish, happier, getting healthier, and definately doing what I want to do and that is helping others that have suffered the same as I have suffered.

I also want to help couples, love better, kinder, sexier, hotter, push themselves to a point of understanding why they are attracted to one another… or push our own boundaries because we are worth every moment from the day we are born…

My motto is ………….. for gods sakes life is too short lick the bloody spoon, will you!!

Look for your warning signs like I did….. below I had more than those, let me give you the hot tip!!!

I used this term, “Ground hog day”, The never-ending Story and I use, “The Trueman Show”, those titles are about reflecting on a part of your life that hurt your soul and it was brushed under the carpet so no one knew it was that messy.

The only solution for erasing or at least diminishing those titles is about learning and listening and understanding a new yet odd language of life, this takes devotions, a wanting to let it go, a strength within yourself to understand neglect, harm, trauma, all those words and more I wanted to set yourself FREE.

Okay, how do you do that?

Well, it takes time, it takes patience, it takes trust, respect yourself and those around you to help you evolved into the beautiful human you can be..

Firstly, you need to find someone who has the background that can help you move forward, then you need to trust that you’re not going to be harmed by the person you chose to help you.

What do you look for in a counselor or therapist or even a trust friend, partner or family member:

However, I would recommend the first two suggestions Counsellor or therapist mainly because they will give you the tools to help you going forward.

Here are some suggestions that I would say to you to do:

Make sure your ready to do this each persons experience can and will affect you and you have to make sure that you understand this before you even go down this path.

If your trauma is sexual, abusive, harmful experience that you went through you must seek a professional as they will help you cope with using tools that will help you cope with these epoxides.

First steps:

  • So make sure you feel ready for this new journey of letting go of your past!
  • Make sure you have plenty of rest, you eat well and are exercising or at least physically fine before you do any sessions with anyone.
  • No DRUGS!!!!!!
  • No alcohol on an ongoing basis this will distort your thoughts and run you down
  • Remember it isn’t your fault and you must understand what may have occurred will not harm you going forward by talking about it with a professional.
  • Drink Water it will hydrate you 

These first steps are set because I understand on all the above as I myself have suffered from drinking too much, having drugs to numb me and health and hygiene is a MUST, with depression and sadness, any trauma, you will become a sloth!! Sorry, you WILL time will not heal you with isolation, depression, anxiety, sadness, it will kill you.. so please understand I am trying to give you sound advice…

How did I feel about me: “I hated me, I hated them, I hated everything about ME, and then some!!

Second Steps:

After you have managed to set yourself free of those nastier, you then decide who should I use as good counsellors..theraphist or even a psychologist,  I will help you with some by adding them to the bottom of this post.

Okay, so your ready to find a good counsellor or therapist!!

  • Find a therapist that has the tools with your trauma, sadness, depression or anxiety that you’re experiencing
  • Ask questions…. it is your right to ask them to your chosen person that you will be telling your trauma too!!
  • Understand your rights… they have a duty of care to report anyone they feel will harm you or perhaps you will harm another.. this is just the set rules of any type of professional and they should inform you on the first session.
  • Remember they are not your BEST friend, they are a sounding board for you to talk to, cry to, understand yourself and help you move forward in your journey of life!

So, if you wanted to invite them to a BBQ, they will decline as they are only there to help you find those tools in moving forward to a better life.

Now remember it is all up to you… you will experience episodes of joy, happiness, and most of all if it was trauma or abuse, you could possibly in fact WILL have flashbacks of that time in your life … relax, it will get better…

Trust your journey Like I have it is about understanding yourself and allowing you to live a better happier and for for filling life going forward.

Now, just so you know, we are only human, we do cry, we get angry we will yell, scream, get confused and have times of sorrow.

However, with the right help you will discover that life can and will be better if you allow yourself to be Open and most of all keep your pride and ego at the door when you enter because that my friends, is everyone’s Achilles!!

The time it took me is over 3 years this all depends on your personal experiences in your life.. so understand it isnt a quick fix.. however, it is a life better lived if you are brave enough to allow yourself to do this..

My suggestion is do it!! For YOU!!

Counselling Support is below:

Mens Health Help contacts:

Child Help for parents:

A Girl that will end up with Cats… Meow!!!


Let’s talk about “Responsibilities”, “Being Real (Authentic)”, “Bit off more than you could chew”, all these things and more come from people who find something facinating to finding it too much or perhaps too little too late?

Who really knows this is what occurrs when communication is somewhat limited to your understanding, many of us or far and few of us, perhaps understands more about those “words” than you really know or even could understand yourself.

People go into commitments like finding your life partner, or perhaps, girlfriend status, or maybe just seeing someone, then you have kinks, so many too many to list, however, I wonder if those who like or are attracted to a life style which most are feel a little bit like a “fish out of water”.

We all look at things different and some of us look at the “Real big picture”, like me!

I am a realist, this means I can understand more than you think!
I can see people sneak off by thinking that have not been noticed, and those who are so closed up that they forget to open their hearts, so they are so tightly clenched they will endevour to vomit out “bullshit”, crap that isnt even on the radar!

Stress, over thinking, drama made up because of your own thoughts not the whole picture painted in real colour and real contence.

We give a little, take alot, never really being present, authentic people never hind, they flood out there feelings like it is luke warm honey oozing from the gods!!  They talk like it is nothing and to me it is a whole lot of something, I never ever, look at life with rose coloured glasses, unfortunately, never have that luxury to do this really!

I had felt all those wonderful feelings once, where I would have expectations of running through rainbows, playing like a crazy chick, now ” I live for the moment” , never expecting anything and that is okay I guess.. However, my rainbows stopped a very long time ago so expectations tend to never occurr, when this happens to a little girl well, you could say your life becomes pretty real and this isnt a bad thing trust me..

I guess I like my way of thinking because I really have no expectations on others.. perhaps my thoughts are “out there” perhaps they are not.. who really understands a girl that will end up with cats… hehehe

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MEOW…

Adults are like a kid in the Candy Store!


Hey Candii here,

Finding that perfect fit!!

Peoples Journey in life weather your single or married we all are drawn to each other for the greater good which is made up of many reasons this could be, companionship, love, friendships, desire, lust, sex, whatever, it maybe that we want others to be part of us.

Marriage, after years of being together, wanting to reconnect that spark in our eyes, hearts, body, whatever it maybe it is all about connecting with another or others that have the same like as we do in life.

I have noticed as you get older your thoughts, feelings, understand, knowledge does refine with time so you discover that friends come and go or they stay or they either go and come back, you get my drift we are all moving individuals that love our privacy sometimes, then we change our minds and want friendships again we are all different and we all want change.

Get that we all want change!?  How funny!

Many of us never think and stop and go oh, I get it, now , woops!

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We are a funny mob of people I am not sure that your aware our likes are very simular to our likes when we are younger I guess we become less aware of this and more aware of what is lacking within ourselves or others that you expect to love us regardless of time or age.

What we forget so quickly is our behaviour of more is like a child in a Candy store, funny I say it like that, but, it is true our eyes widen, our smiles are brighter, and when  you see new and beautiful flavours well, it’s a kid you need to hold back cuz, they are going to get to it before anyone else does!!

Living and Loving are simple beautiful and rewarding emotions right!  So, I think if you try something new on something old like yourself or those you love and care about don’t you think that is a better idea than trying something that could possibly hurt you or those you love?

I have researched a few dating sites and let me tell you not so easy being single let alone married, being married even makes you look more popular?? Go Figure!

tumblr_nedx4rc4mo1s0jihho1_400  I did think why and now I understand a little better how we all look for that added spice and I get it… I would even do it myself with of course my hubby however, even I have limitations to my heart, soul and most of all my head space.  I am too much in love with people and how they tick and why and when I guess we all have our own idea of what spice is best to add to our dishes…

Remember couples, singles, my motto is “if it doesnt fit, don’t try and make it fit”

 

I guess the trick is be true to yourself just because Wendy, Alley, Fred is doing it, doesn’t mean you should or if you like it try it and another one if you want to hear it…. Always try before you buy that is my motto…

Each to their own.. not my business…. so enjoy your life and take the time to work it out, it’s not easy but, for some well, it’s like I said, the Candy store is full of wonderous things if you look for them!

What are your values?


A friend asked me once “what are your values?”

I had forgotten what that really means and I had them all along!!!

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Oh, wow, this is something I have had within me since time began, however, how did I forget about them?! 

Did I forget what my self-worth was once?

Did it slip my mind?

I wonder sometimes how on earth something so embedded deep inside you ends up “missing for action”?

My values, are to be kind to myself and others to understand what the difference between what is right and what is definitely wrong?

I guess we sometimes lose ourselves or our voices not sure which goes first?

I had misplaced it but, did I?

My values are what I stand for as a person, what I believe to be the difference between right, wrong, and just darn horrid?!?!

We end up so busy minded or is it that we just plain forget or do we have so much going on that we forgot about what we held so dearly to us?

I would say it’s everything above and more… we do forget, misplace, our minds with time and other people who could potentially distract you from what you think is right and wrong or perhaps it’s about letting your once good intentions go to see if another or others could potentially be right?!?! (not sure if that makes any sense)

They say in a schoolyard that we can get bullied into saying, doing and acting differently, that is true, or do we get lazy? or are we distracted by negative thoughts that cloud your judgment from time to time??

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We do tend to grow in a different direction hoping that direction does not mean the death of your own soul, or perhaps we hope for those we love to see the light of the day and show you something that you have not yet understood?!?

I guess we all have choices and we all tend to forget our voices, own thoughts, even values that once was so held tight that you could taste it on your lips!

Old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but, if it wishes not to drink you cannot make it drink”

Human nature is all about living a life and that also means making good, bad, and somewhat mind-numbing decisions that once you would go, NO, Way!

And sometimes when that light disappears for a while, potentially when you least expect it will beam through like a light so brightly you can taste it!!

I believe in being true as in real, being real and honest, never lie about something that even if it isn’t right at least you honest enough to say it, do it or even try it!

The best part of values and beliefs is about how well, you rise from the deep shit you get yourself into lol, we are on this earth to live and learn and that is a human ability or in some cases disability if you wish.

But, in all cases, it is about being true to yourself and holding your head up high without any type of significance in return..

Let your ego and your pride relax and let yourself be free… that is what we are all about kindness, silliness, craziness, call it what you will but, always treat yourself with respect and others with the same certainty and life will glide by lovely and a little bumpy but, at least your honest to be who you really are..

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YOU!!!!!!

An old friend has visited me again!


 

The Sound of Silence what that means to me… is this

Nothing in the world is more isolating that lonliness within your soul which I have known this feeling and it seems to love to creep up on me when I least expect it too.

The tears that I have wept so many times in my past that would make yourself want to cry it’s a feeling that most of those who have lost so much and never seem to have enough air to breath in themselves.

It’s when you just want to let go of yourself and jump off something very high and savour that feeling of freedom as you drop to your death.

It’s when you revisit places that you never thought you would go back too and that to me was the last thing I ever wanted to do again..

You see my past is where I would like it to stay and to go back was the last thing I wanted to do.. but, for some reason to grow you have to?

I don’t get it…

When I say my friend has come to visit me again .. that isnt a good thing.. that is the end of a good thing for me…

Remember sometimes we cannot fix everyone… I said that to a friend once I wish he listened to me… I wish I listened to me…

Life is about living not about going backwards and visiting the devil that made you cry we live in such a materialistic world of proving the whys, the hows, the what ifs, and still we want more from each other…

Just be you, that is all you can be… you see, why would you want others to go through what some of us went through?

For me it was like meeting the devil and him holding me down and never letting me go… so, let me go, why do you not believe those precious things I told you.. why didn’t you love me the way I loved you…

That is what this song means to me……

If I could erase you all from my mind I would … Eternal Sunchine of the Spotless Mind…

 

And if you have watched this movie you will know that even if I had my memory erased there are some I could never erase from my heart… 

 

When In Rome….. we shall do what others do… RIGHT!!!!


Hi Candii here,

Now, this is talking my language, however, a fish out of water perhaps but, would I attend these amazing places.. Absolutely, and I would wear something HOT and Rediculously Slutty, with a touch of Classiness…

I think it would be the best fun ever … a bit like diving into the DEEP end first but, hey why not.. “When they say, When in Rome”!

I would wear appropriately, latex corset with heels up to my fanny, and fishnets, false eye lashes, may even get a tattoo, oh and fake boobs would be just right up my ALLEY….

However, let’s not get too over board… oh sugar, why not…. stuff it and I would take two men.. dressed beautifully, and we would play very well together..

Okay, that is my fantasy that GOD…. please before I die.. heheheh anyhoo, check out the below and see if any of this ticks your box.. like mine…

Enjoy Franny (aka Candii)

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Be naughty in Le Boudoir

Second only to Berlin in its kinkiness, you’ll never be short of a sex party in London. Le Boudoir offers a playful yet elegant venue for international swingers. Discover, meet and have sex with plenty of naughty people from all over the world, and add a few stamps to your sexual passport in the process. Register an application online and get ready for a non-judgemental and stylish event that promises to push the societal norms and excite every attendee.

austin icom.pngBDSM London, Greater London, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

 

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Not your everyday Playgrounds

Want to go to one of the best swingers parties in London? Adults want to have fun too, right? The Playgrounds organise parties where you can have all the kinky fun you want. A sex party in London that is far from boring – these organisers mix it up and switch from venue to venue. Their motto is “for people who just get it” and, believe us if you attend these insane events, you’re most likely to get it.

austin icom.pngBDSM Bedfordshire, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

 

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Discover a new level of Arousal

One of the amazing venues to find swingers in London is the famous Arousal. Home to a kinky array of parties that cater for every taste. It’s enormous, complete with 13 communal play areas and six lockable playrooms. For the kinksters, there’s a dungeon, cages and glory holes galore. Arousal hosts the previously mentioned Playgrounds’ ‘Swingles Party’, ‘Naughty Bi Nature’ (the biggest bisexual swingers party in London), and the Blackman’s Fanclub. Talking of which…

austin icom.pngBDSM Bedfordshire, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

 

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Are you part of the Blackmans Fanclub?

The name says it all – this is not your average swingers party in London. There’s nothing quite like a sex party in London purely dedicated to gorgeous, open-minded black men and their many admirers. That said, BMFC events are open to all swingers in London, regardless of the colour of their skin. Let’s just say this – if you haven’t tried it already, well, you’ve heard the rumours. Why not see if they’re true?

austin icom.pngBDSM London, Greater London, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

 

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Succumb to Subversion

Subversion is the ultimate destination for kinksters wanting to attend a swingers party in London. It’s organised by fetishists, for fetishists alike. But if it’s your first time… don’t fret. Everybody’s welcome, and it’s a vanilla-friendly fetish clubbing event. For something naughtier, check out their Noir events – the ultimate BDSM-themed sex party in London.

austin icom.pngBDSM London, Greater London, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

 

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Indulge yourself in Killing Kittens

Ladies, worried about being a bit overwhelmed by all the ungentlemanly men? Killing Kittens is a night made to make you feel sexually empowered. Their events happen all over the world, with sex parties in London, New York, Melbourne, Venice and more. And they’ve earned quite a reputation. KK events are said to be the most exclusive, hedonistic and down right naughtiest happenings in the world – purposefully planned with the pursuit of female pleasure in mind.

austin icom.pngBDSM London, Greater London, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

 

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Ready to Mingles?

Set up by a beautiful pair of Essex swingers, Mingles was established with classy couples in mind. Think of an elegant wine bar (but bring your own!) mixed with a sexy adult lifestyle destination. You can have a few drinks, let your hair down and if you feel adventurous, have an intimate encounter with new like-minded friends. If you live just east of the UK’s kinky capital, this is the perfect alternative to a Swingers party in London city centre.

austin icom.pngBDSM Essex, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

 

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Let yourself be set on Hellfire

The Hellfire is home to countless Swingers parties in London catering to every sexuality and gender. There are events every week including ‘Secret Sunday’, masquerade balls and our all- time favourite ‘Swish’ – the ultimate sex party in London for swingers and members of the fetish community. Think it can’t get any better? Like most swingers in London will find, you’re allowed to bring your own alcohol, but at Hellfire, soft drinks are also completely FREE – all night long.

austin icom.pngBDSM Surrey, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

 

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Show off your Legs 800

Swingers in London craving for a venue in which you can really be your true self? Legs 800 is a very special place dedicated to members of the transgender and crossdresser community (and their admirers!). You can dress up, get a makeover, dance all night and have a cheeky fumble in the private rooms with someone who appreciates you at your most beautiful. More of a celebratory escape than a mere Swingers party in London, Legs 800 is as unique as it is fun.

austin icom.pngBDSM London, Greater London, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

 

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Best Swinger Clubs in London: Meet the South London Swingers

Last but not least, let us introduce you to South London Swingers. How long has it been since you went wild at a friends house when their parents were away? This is for those who are now all grown-up, and know exactly what they want – to meet other swingers in London in a comfortable and very, very naughty house-party environment. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to revel in delicious decadence, with that taboo feeling that feels oh so familiar.

BDSM Sutton, Bedfordshire, UK – Swingers Clubs, Fetish Clubs, Dungeons and More!

Beliefs are Magical, Mystical and most of all it is Freedom of living


 

Imagine a life of beliefs, Imagine a life of wonderment, imagination, magical events, and Empowerment of ones self…

When we are young we imagine so easily, to be a Astranaut, Nurse, Doctor, Priest, getting married, having children, climbing that mountain, running a race …

We all have beliefs sometimes we have those anchors that hold us back but, we rise above the harsh experiences and we learn and we grow…

We change… did you know that we Change and you dont even see youself doing it..

The hardest thing in this world is to change… but, we do.. we learn something new.. and we go okay lets do it.. or grab an empty suit case and we run down to the airport and we close our eyes and we pick there..

Why is it that we find life so hard, so difficult to believe, if a person is a good person why on earth would you hurt them, you would embrase their courage, hug them and say you are so brave and you did so well and they appreciate those small little words but, it means more to them then breathing this air we take for granted.

We are all unique and beautiful we just need like minded people to listen to us, believe us and just like us for being just that different.

That to me is strength, truth, love, all those beautiful words we all are so lazy by taking those who we trust and love for granted .. let me tell you I do not take anyone that I feel has a soul that loves… as week.. it is the strength that most of us don’t have..

Move your ass off that couch and do something spectacular…. and enjoy it…. love it and pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to try… and that is living a life…

And if those that you are around don’t understand you move to another area and they will gravitate towards you because you are so true.. and truth is Empowerment..

And it is Beautiful…. that is all we can do.. in this small amount of time… so make sure you change every day do something you dont normally do… sing, dance, live, drink, eat, whatever you want to do…. just do it with humility…

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Everything Happens for a Reason…


This feeling of walking into YOUR own house at 11pm 6 months after you get married and after finishing a 11 long hours at a hotel at the age of 21 years of age. (Just turned)

This feeling of walking into YOUR own house at 11pm 6 months after you get married and after finishing a 11 long hours at a hotel at the age of 21 years of age. (Just turned)

This isnt a good start to any relationship at any age and after doing a long day/night at work.

Right!

We either deal with or we either ignore it or divorce it or allow it.

Sad but it does happen to some of us.

Life is as tough as you want it to be.

Or as beautiful as you want it to be.

So the motto of this story is to be honest, loving, truthful, and to love those who deserve your love and to remember just because he/she didn’t the first time it will happen one day.

So, enjoy your life because your worth it.

Just sharing mine with you xxx

What has changed for me?


I am the one on the left in Black I think I believe I was 18 years old

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Since discovering alot about myself and who I am now I believe I have changed or you could say I am changing within how I feel about alot of things.

I feel very delicate to the point of “those days of me standing up for myself”, I am tired of doing now, I really don’t want to argue or even hear someone shouting and that scares the shit out of me to be perfectly honest!

I have and cannot tell you how many years I have been around people who yell, scream, shout, tell others how disappointed they are in them, and how disappointed they are of you as a person.

I feel like I am walking on ice, it’s quite strange to be honest, and as I was in my own world when my husband came home tonight, I switched off, didn’t mean it I guess, it is because I am trying to search for my own place in this world.

Sounds morbid, sorry I really don’t mean to sound that way I am typing this as I am feeling it so don’t be surprised if you re-read it or not!  That it might change again! and stupid enough again!

I seem to type stuff and sometimes I think I have got it, then I find that I have lost it again, is this ever going to STOP?

That is my question .. can and when is my life going to mean something?  Am I ever going to feel like I mean something to someone?

I know my husband loves me however, why do I feel so like I never seem to come up to someones standards, which in fact is something I have come to understand that is what my life was and hopefully not will be continueing going forward..

It is like he will never allow me close to him, it is like he has his own scares that I had hoped he would share but, the more I grow the more he retracts  and denies himself of trusting me..

What do I have to do to help him know I am here for him.. just like he has been for me..

 

 

https://thecandiiclub.com/2018/05/30/what-has-changed-for-me/comment-page-1/

So, if anyone that wishes to comment or help me understand that I am not the only one out there that feels this way.. I would love to hear your comments… please

#MeToo Movement…


I personally think this is potentially a problem that we could have with our young generation going foward that they seem to lack how to communicate with each other.

 

https://metoomvmt.org/

In the wake of the #MeToo movement and a rash of sexual-harassment scandals, software companies are creating digital ways for people to give their consent to have sex.

Apps such as uConsent allow potential sexual partners to tell each other what level of physical intimacy they are comfortable with and record their eventual agreement so there is no misunderstanding.

The apps are aimed at young people, particularly college students, who are comfortable using technology to communicate, surrounded by an array of potential sexual partners (and often ­alcohol), and relatively new to the nuances of sex.

Sexual-assault ­allegations aren’t uncommon on campuses:

  • one in five women say they have been assaulted while in college, according to the Campus Sexual Assault Study, funded by the US Department of Justice.

One in 16 men say they have. Often, those who are accused of sexual assault claim the sex was consensual, while those who say they were assaulted said they never agreed to the encounter.

  • The problem has prompted at least four US states — California, New York, Connecticut and Illinois — to pass laws in the past four years that require schools to teach students about affirmative consent, stressing that the message should be “yes means yes”, rather than the old “no means no”, according to the Affirmative Consent Project, a non-profit based in Florida that works to stop sexual assault in colleges and high schools.

MORE ON THIS TOPIC – CLICK HERE

How to have a conversation about sexual consent

Decide what you want in advance. Be honest with yourself about what you are looking for;

  • it could be the type of sex or whether you want it to be casual or part of a continuing relationship.

It’s important to know what you want before you can tell someone else.

Make talking a priority. You probably shouldn’t be having sex with someone you can’t talk to openly about the experience. And you’re probably not going to have good sex, if you do. “If someone can’t talk to you about what they want or feel, they won’t be particularly subtle in expressing themselves physically,” says Paul Reynolds, a reader in sociology and social philosophy at Edge Hill University in England.

Start early. If you have a date but don’t want to have sex that night, tell the person beforehand. And give a reason. “I am eager to go out with you tonight but have to get home early.” This will make sure everyone is on the same page.

Be unambiguous. If you don’t want to have sex, don’t just say “no”. “Some men interpret ‘no’ as a play on modesty,” Reynolds says. He suggests saying: “I do not want to have sex with you tonight.” If you do want to have sex, talk about what you do and do not agree to do.

Listen for yes. “Anything other than yes is a no,” says Alison Morano, founder of the Affirmative Consent Project, a non-profit based in Florida.

Send clear signals. Men don’t always read sexual signals well, says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who studies the brains of people in love. “They aren’t good at reading posture, gesture or tone of voice,” she says. “You have to be much clearer than you realise.” If you don’t want to have sex, she says, be mindful of all the signals you are sending.

Remember that you can say no at any time — even after sex has begun.

Consent is ongoing.

You can say yes one moment and no the next.

You don’t need an app for that.

Be nice.

Saying no to sex doesn’t mean you have to hurt someone’s feelings.

If the person is someone you might be interested in down the road, say so.

If you like that person I suggests saying: “I like you, but I am not doing it tonight.”

 

Harvey Weinstein’s ???


 There are not many voices speaking up in Harvey Weinstein’s defence.

I personally, think he is a really Ugly Dick!

 

Yet one of Britain’s leading novelists has voiced concern about the dangers of “mob” justice.

Ian McEwan said that he intended to maintain a “degree of scepticism” about the charges against the disgraced Hollywood producer until the evidence was set out at trial.

The Atonement author said that Weinstein appeared to be a “moral monster” but added that he was cautious about any accusations that emerge when a “whole mob is in full cry”.

A what did they say he appeared to be??? Nothing Moral about the MORON!!

Sorry I will be taking out a bit of rubbish the NEWS said today, about this asshole, so instead of me deleting I have created a new way of removing crap!!

A line through the typing – btw that is me    

McEwan’s comments were condemned as disturbing by equality campaigners, who pointed out that dozens of actors had gone on the record with allegations against the film mogul despite the risk to their careers. However, his views touch on a question that will be central to the criminal case against Weinstein: whether it is possible for the man who gave rise to the #MeToo movement to get a fair trial.

The producer has been charged with two rapes and a criminal sexual act for alleged incidents involving two separate women. Mr Weinstein, 66, handed himself in to police in New York on Friday. He has repeatedly denied non-consensual sex and intends to plead not guilty.

Asked about the case on BBC Radio 4’s Today program, McEwan, 69, said: “It seems a kind of circus to me. There is the media stuff, which we have to penetrate. We don’t know what actually happened; it seems he is a moral monster who has had his comeuppance but I always like to encourage in myself just a degree of scepticism once the whole mob is in full cry, so I am going to withhold judgments until I have heard the arguments in court.”

The novelist’s defence of due process drew criticism on social media as activists accused him of marginalising the experiences of women. Catherine Mayer, author and co-founder of the Women’s Equality Party (WEP), said that men such as McEwan “cry rough justice” about the treatment of alleged offenders while querying the testimony of their young victims.

“He’s seeing multiple women speaking about these things as a mob, when it is actually evidence of the crime at scale,” she told The Times. “I’m so sick of these supposedly great men of literature who are posited as great public thinkers but are not nearly as interesting as they think they are.”

The author Stella Duffy, also a founding member of the WEP, said that it was “seriously disturbing” for “comfortable white privileged men” to dismiss the #MeToo movement as a mob.

In New York yesterday, Mr Weinstein’s lawyer said that he had serious doubts about whether his client could obtain a fair trial. “One of my concerns is that by virtue of some of the publicity that has occurred … the ability for people to keep an open mind is of concern to me,” Ben Brafman said after a private hearing with a judge and prosecutors.

“I also think that the pressure that is being brought to bear on the district attorney’s office demanding that an indictment or prosecution of Mr Weinstein proceed is inappropriate.”

Mr Weinstein posted a $1 million cash bail and will wear an electronic monitor that tracks his movements.

What’s your thoughts on this Character??

Why did it take so long?

 

 

TODAY’S HOROSCOPE


 

Mystic Fran here with today’s Horoscope

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BTW see above that is ME I do believe I was crimped by a friend (Lara) it was the 80’s and those eye brows.. (wow) don’t laugh Katie Kate…hehehe

I think I may have been 15 years old… with terrible hair and and aweful eye brows like Brooke Shields… I do believe she was the ‘it” girl back then!

Anyway, here is todays Horoscope signs… (still giggling horrible, picture)

Moon Alert

We have the “all clear” today to shop and do business. The Full Moon is in Sagittarius.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Be careful because today’s Full Moon could create an accident-prone influence for you. This might be due to distractions of others (drivers talking or texting on cell phones) or yourself? Therefore, be mindful! And avoid controversial subjects.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Today’s Full Moon focus is about money. Perhaps this means a financial discussion will come to a head? Or you might finally learn the cost for something? (Ouch.) Something to do with earnings or expenditures will catch your eye.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Today the only Full Moon opposite your sign all year is taking place, which is why relations with partners and close friends might be prickly. When the Moon is full it means the energy of the Sun and the Moon are in opposition to each other. This includes male/female energy. Be nice.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Because the Moon is your ruler, you generally feel (in varying degrees) every Full Moon, which is why you might be a bit impatient with co-workers today. Or perhaps they are impatient with you? Either way, demonstrate grace under pressure at work and at home.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Today’s Full Moon makes relations with kids more challenging. (Yes, even the family dog feels the Full Moon energy.) It can also create a bit of aggro in romantic relationships. Who needs this? Not you! Your best recourse is to smile and be patient with everyone. (“Dammit Jim, I’m an actor not a doctor.”)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Relations with bosses, parents and VIPs might be strained today because of the Full Moon energy. Be particularly patient with female family members, especially Mom. (When Mom’s unhappy, everyone feels it.) You’re keen to work hard. Relations with friends are warm. Bosses will listen to you. All is well.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Be mindful of everything you say and do because the Full Moon makes this is an accident-prone day for you. Pay attention to everything you say and do. Think before you speak. Fortunately, relations with bosses are smooth and supportive.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Discussions about inheritances, financial matters, taxes, debt, insurance and anything that you share jointly with someone else will come to a head today because of the Full Moon. Probably this is a good thing. Put your cards on the table.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Today the only Full Moon in your sign all year is taking place. This could make you overreact or be too emotional about things. Conversely, you might see something more clearly, especially in a relationship. Good luck.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

The Full Moon today could encourage tension or friction with co-workers. Just be aware of this. If you feel it, then you realize you don’t have to react. This is the only day in the year this occurs. Hey, you can be big about things! Rise above them. Be cool.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Friendships are important to you. In fact, the words “Aquarius” and “friendship” are synonymous in astrology. Today the only Full Moon all year is taking place in your House of Friendships. This means you might have some stress dealing with a friend or a group. Stay chill. This tension is short-lived.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Relations with authority figures — parents, bosses, teachers and VIPs — might be strained today because this is the only Full Moon taking place at the top of your chart all year. Don’t make a big deal about anything. Why bother?

If Your Birthday Is Today

Actress Annette Bening (1958) shares your birthday today. You are eloquent, intelligent and persuasive. You are also open, honest and always spontaneous. This is a time of completions and taking inventory. Review past triumphs and failures as you finish this nine-year cycle. You might let go of people, jobs and places to move on to something new. You are moving away from heavy burdens to something new and lighter!

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And tomorrow will be Angel Cards by Me…… cannot wait for angel cards….. so excited

 

Good Will Hunting.. the Famous Robin Williams.. did this role beautifully!


Like I said, this tells a tail of alot of us and per say some of us, in all if we where subjected to abuse, trauma, etc, and recovered (when I say recovered i say this tongue in cheek) I will also say, with anything in life a CHILD who does survive such hideous, depending on this scale will and no doubt have a distorted outcome on their adult life.

This will vary in each of us and that level of abuse a child is subjected to.. we must understand sometimes, we unaware of our biggest Friend or Foe, the SUBCONSCIOUS MIND, this area of how we adapt is questionable!

Which means depending on what the abuse is.. if it is sexual then who can tell until the are older how they look at life sexually!!

For me well, As that famous commercial that sold alot of chicken.

“I like it like that”, Finger licking good!” ha!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/compassion-matters/201805/it-s-not-your-fault-overcoming-trauma#=_

I do agree with the above and here is the link that states it very well.. have a read

There is a famous scene in the film Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams, playing a therapist, compassionately repeats the line “It’s not your fault” to Will, a troubled young man with self-destructive tendencies, who happens to be a genius.

The line is a response to the revelation of abuse Will endured as a child.

At first, Will is dismissive of the statement, but as his therapist steadily repeats “It’s not your fault,” he becomes increasingly agitated.

Finally, he erupts into emotion, tearfully allowing the meaning of the words to sink in. This scene is a powerful signification of what trauma can do to a human being.

It is also a testament to the importance of anyone who has experienced trauma embracing the irrefutable reality that it is not their fault.

The character Will may have been a victim of what’s often referred to as “big T trauma,” which can include serious abuse or a life-threatening event.

However, a person does not have to have experienced an explicitly existential event to experience trauma. “Little t trauma” comprises events that may not sound as dramatic as that of war, devastation, or extreme violence, but that significantly impact individuals by causing them distress, fear, or pain and, therefore, change the way they see themselves, other people, and the world around them.

Too often, people seek excuses to dismiss, bury, or overlook both big and little t trauma. They may tell themselves “it was not that bad,” “others had it worse,” or “remembering won’t do any good anyway.” Or they even say things like, “I deserved it,” “I was a bad/difficult kid,” “or “yes, it was hard at the time, but it made me the strong independent person I am today.”

sneeky peeky – As the Beautiful PINK says it so well, Beautiful Trauma,

They’re resistant to facing what they endured and what it’s done to them.

Whether we try to bury or ignore it or not, the impact of a person’s trauma remains. The American Psychological Association wrote that “traumaticevents challenge an individual’s view of the world as a just, safe and predictable place.”

Back to my thoughts see my link about my own life… https://thecandiiclub.com/2018/05/29/can-you-identify-who-is-more-driven-to-suicide/https://thecandiiclub.com/2018/05/29/can-you-identify-who-is-more-driven-to-suicide/

This shake-up to a person’s very worldview changes the course of their life.

“The effects of unresolved trauma can be devastating,” wrote Dr. Peter Levine, author of Healing Trauma.

Like I said, in my previous link on this page….. https://thecandiiclub.com/2018/05/29/can-you-identify-who-is-more-driven-to-suicide/

“It can affect our habits and outlook on life, leading to addictions and poor decision-making.

It can take a toll on our family life and interpersonal relationships. It can trigger real physical pain, symptoms, and disease. And it can lead to a range of self-destructive behaviors.”

The emotional or physical abuse and the pain people have experienced early in life bends them out of shape in many ways, most of which the person is unaware. The mistreatment of an individual within a family is something my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone(link is external), has described as a “human rights violation(link is external).” He’s written extensively about the toll interpersonal pain and traumatic childhood conditions can have on a person’s freedom and expression of individuality, including that they lead to the formation of powerful psychological defenses(link is external).

“No child is born bad or sinful; rather, the psychological defenses that children form early in life are appropriate to actual situations that threaten the emerging self,” wrote(link is external) Firestone.

“These defenses attempt to cope with and minimize painful experiences and emotions suffered in one’s developmental years; however, as noted, the defensive adaptation tends to become increasingly dysfunctional.”

People who have experienced trauma may form these defensive adaptations to protect themselves early in life, but these very adaptations can go on to limit them when danger is no longer present.

Young children who’ve experienced trauma tend to internalize much of their pain, blaming themselves for their suffering and struggling with feelings of guilt and shame.

This is especially true of trauma experienced at the hands of parents and trusted family members, as young children often find it too threatening to see the faults of their parents fully.

When a child is born, trusting their parents is a matter of survival, and seeing their parent as neglectful, uncaring, or even abusive can feel like a threat to that survival.

As a result, the child forms defenses to cope with painful circumstances, and they internalize their suffering, seeing it as a reflection of some deficiency in their own personality.

They distort their image of themselves to make sense of their maltreatment and believe themselves deserving of the pain they endure. It never fails to surprise me when children as young as 5-years-old reveal their “critical inner voice(link is external)s,” harsh, self-hating attacks that they think about themselves.

Where did these ideas come from and how do they influence the child’s formation of their self?

My Captain, My Captain

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