Normally, I love Friday’s but, today I felt a little off and then I felt a lot off!!
The doctor yesterday said that I would have these up’s, downs, sideways, he then said which internally I thought “oh Shit”, that this is only the beginning!!
Fuck, that pissed me off, I was a little confused how I got here so damn quickly!!
I still cannot believe that I will be 50, trust me it isn’t the age, it’s that feeling of NOOOOOOO, this is so unkind I am only just starting to understand and that Is the Hot tipper, that is the upsetting part!!
I have been feeling very raw with my total sense of being, it’s like the Earth wants to swallow me up and I want to go (not a bad thing) its more of a grounded or like my senses are all so tender and my eyes are so damn open a little bit of me wants to squint them shut!
Everything, seems so cereal, like I have said, many times I felt like Movie, where he is the STAR and discovers that everything was fake!
“THE TRUMAN SHOW”
I recall his last words, even though he used humour to try and covered it up however, his eyes gave the hurt and that feeling of betrayal staring right at you!
When you start to enjoy your journey, your strength starts to open up like a flower on a hot Summers day, it seems like “perfect”, then sometimes as my hormones have been chaotic with my brain (some would say she isn’t so different) but, I am, my feelings are more pure, without fear, judgement, but, then with this feeling I can also feel the people around me and I went from smiling to frowning deep inside myself.
A part of me was worried and a little of me feared that “once again” I have to do my shorter journey on my own.. and that just upset me and made me feel very insecure let me tell you that feeling of being open to feel that emotion isn’t fun!
I told my sister-in-law that it took me such a long time to build those walls, it wasn’t that I want them up it was that they where not up and that made me scared that those who I had thought was walking with me.. kind of stopped still and I was still walking looking up happy, then suddenly I looked back and saw their faces of fright or that there feet were stuck to the floor like they could not walk or in fact that they didn’t want too!!
Being Single isn’t the scary part for me.. that is the easiest part
However, Walking a Journey SOLO, now that is like you might as well slit my wrists and check me into the next cemetery vacancy.. CUZ, I am not going down this path again by myself
Alone is fine… for example sitting alone reading a book…
Not walking a beautiful path solo with no one to share it with. NOW??
I have always walked solo, and for the first time in my entire life as a person I had others walking with me and I felt amazing, I still do but, today I did have these “cold moments that perhaps I was wrong and I was walking alone once again”.
Insecurity, doesn’t work well with me, at all, in my past it was like everyday of my young life, I had to work at altering my entire personality to be someone that I was not born to be and that was HARD!!
I literately, created or invented a separate person that had strength and this emptiness that I cannot even describe to you who this girl “thing” was!
With each hurting experience I changed, I became harsh, harder, until “nothing” !!
I have this ability (sounds really stupid) If I allow myself to bond with another its like I can see their soul, it’s weird, I get these feelings of chilled moments, then I will see something not so good in someone, and that isn’t something easy to witness.
There is a lot of reasons for people to be who and how they walked their path and I try not to judge because I have seen this within me, the best way I can describe this picture is kind people will always be kind people.
Those traits that kind people have are never erased from their selves, then for a moment in their body language, or speech or even a turning glance I go “there, OH, No”. It takes my breath away sometimes, because that “PURE PAIN”, that is “PURE AGONY” that appears so quickly like the wind because they have created this part of them down to a perfect tea of their own Protection!!
These people are beautiful souls, but, some, will NEVER LET YOU IN!!!!!
I get that feeling of self hate, of never wanting to trust someone with your heart again because you know that they will cut it up and put it in a wheelie bin…
They are my people, I am their people, however, it is the most hardest journey in the WORLD for us to believe each other not because we don’t like one another but, because we are the SAME as one another..
Hurt, beautiful, kind, Nasty, patient, cruel, selfless, selfish, do you see or understand that you, me, us are exactly the same… Why keep hurting each other and STOP for 1 damn moment and STOP for a minute!!
Stop for a minute!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP FOR A BLOODY MINUTE SO I CAN TELL YOU WE ARE ALL THE SAME LIKE MINDED BEAUTIFUL SOULS..
Who need to give one another a break and allow ourselves that chance to live… and have a happy life open, to a endless possibility of being happy, laughing loudly and live your life free from stress, fear, all those revolting anchors that hold us all down and say to us on a constant basis YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH
I say BULLSHIT, we ARE…. and we WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are not those people who hurt others… stop going forward to them.. and start loving yourself and those that love you…
This is a very short life we are alive…. Please, don’t make it even shorter… cuz, that to me isnt living that is something entirely different.. its called being BLIND
If you understand what I said above I would love to hear from you.. both if you wish or others that have felt that above…